Read It Now Reviews #111 – A Series of Egotistical Events, Don’t Want Perfection, Behind Closed Doors, Sum of Their Parts, Drunk Little Ponies · 11:26pm Oct 25th, 2017
Hello folks! Writing from my location in the dungeon of a rental, I have been very remiss in my reading and writing. But for now, remodeling is in the hands of a contractor, so it is time to do some catchup – and not the kind that you put on fries.
Today’s stories:
A Series of Egotistical Events by Estee
Don’t Want Perfection by Shortmane
Behind Closed Doors by Cynewulf
Sum of Their Parts by Flipwix
Drunk Little Ponies by Estee
A Series of Egotistical Events
by Estee
Slice of Life
19,226 wordsJust because Rainbow's living alone for the first time...
Just because it's her first real job...
Just because she's never really dealt with ground and all that comes with it...
...that doesn't mean anything is going to go wrong.
Seriously. She's totally got this.
Why I added it: Estee is a good writer.
Review
Estee has been gradually filling in his own ideas about how the Mane 6 came to be the people they are, and what it was like for them moving into Ponyville/coming into their own.
This is Rainbow Dash’s story. And it is quite lovely in its own way.
As with many of Estee’s stories, this one is heavy on world-building, but it does so in a manner that weaves it into the tale being told. We get to learn about how pegasus cloud-home making works, and how it is that particular ponies can make clouds theirs and keep them stable for a long time. We get to hear about how magical fire alarms work, as well as how pegasi make magic items.
And we get to see Rainbow Dash being her cocky and confident self, as well as the fact that that confidence is not absolute, and that she is aware of the possibility of failure and nerves.
The story is ostensibly about Rainbow Dash building her first real cloud-house, and trying to figure out how to make a magical fire alarm, but it is also about Rainbow Dash learning about her place in the world, and that in Ponyville, there are other ponies who will catch her if she falls, and just how nice the locals really are. It is a surprisingly uncynical and uplifting story, and it is quite lovely.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
Don't Want Perfection
by Shortmane
Romance, Drama
4,491 wordsRarity just had a perfect date with a perfect colt! But something isn’t right.
She goes to her old childhood journal for inspiration. As she reads she notices a trend.
Hmm, she sure did write about Applejack a lot…
Why I added it: It was featured, and it has RariJack, and the description reminded me of an idea for a story I never wrote and I wanted to see what someone else did with the idea.
Review
Rarity went on a date with a pretty ideal stallion in Canterlot. There’s just one problem – for all that he was allegedly perfect, he just doesn’t quite click with what Rarity wants.
Fluttershy doesn’t think that Rarity should make too much out of it, but when Applejack comes by, Rarity finds herself going back to her old diary, and just how much she seemed to focus on Applejack when she was a little filly, before she decided she wanted a prince.
While the idea that Rarity is in denial is not a bad one, I feel like this story ended up feeling a bit off to me. I think the biggest problem is that “characters remembering how they felt” is kind of a weird trope; I’ve seen it before in stories, and it often doesn’t quite click with me, because memory doesn’t really work that way. It just feels kind of contrived. While the idea of setting up some past event that Rarity was in denial about is a good one, and the idea of her noticing that she talked a lot about Applejack in her diary is fine, I have to say that the overall delivery just didn’t come together for me.
I love me some RariJack, and the idea that filly Rarity went totally into denial about Applejack is an amusing one, but the story here didn’t really end up doing the idea justice; the delivery didn’t have the power I would have liked.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Behind Closed Doors
by Cynewulf
Dark, Drama
7,224 wordsWhere does Cadance go the fifteenth night of every month? Shining wishes he knew. She claims that she's having trouble sleeping, or that she's attending some sort of meeting with her aunts, but he can tell something is different when she comes home. He'll stop at nothing to find out what's going on.
And he'll regret knowing.
Why I added it: It was featured.
Review
Shining Armor is worried about his wife, and keeps getting little hints that something is wrong. And you know, this is a solid premise – the idea of someone’s spouse not being quite what they seem to be is an ancient trope, going back to mythology. And the idea of one’s spouse sneaking off to do something which you don’t approve of, and keeping it a secret from you, is definitely something that can unsettle people.
This is one of those stories that I feel like I’ve read already. I suspected what was going on from the very beginning, and then, 7,000 words later, it was exactly what I suspected it was from the beginning. And unfortunately, it didn’t put any new twist on the idea; in fact, despite clocking in just north of 7,000 words, the idea was the horrible reveal, and there wasn’t anything more to it.
If this was the first such story I read, maybe it would have hit home better for me, but at this point, I’ve read double digit numbers of stories with something very close to this idea in them, and while the idea can still work as a punchline sometimes, without something more to it, it feels kind of weak as a dramatic reveal, doubly so given that it isn’t so shocking a reveal for the audience, who are much more familiar with the payoff.
A week after reading this story, however, I had to return to this review and ask myself this: is this really the problem? After all, we have no doubt that Mario will save the princess at the end of one of his games. Why can’t the journey outweigh the destination?
I suspect that my real issue here is actually something more complicated. Knowing the ending ahead of time can spoil things… but it doesn’t necessarily, and I’m pretty sure I’ve read some other stories about the premise of this story where it was in the title of the story and I enjoyed them. But perhaps that is exactly why: this story uses something that, to the audience, is actually pretty mundane as a payoff. The other stories I’ve seen that used this particular idea as a climactic ending actually did it as an anti-climax – that is to say, the ending was deliberately not something with a lot of payoff for the audience, which made it funny given the tension that had been building up to that point. Other stories have just used it as their premise, and gone from there, or used it for world-building purposes.
And I think that’s really why – the core idea that finishes this story off is not that dramatic of a reveal to a human audience. This means you are left either with an anti-climax, or you have to show us how this hurts the characters much more directly, rather than simply ending with the not-so-climactic reveal. Parasprite’s Listen and Learn was a story that made Rainbow Dash coming out deeply painful for the audience to read about, and we see why it was so painful because of the reactions of the other characters.
If this story had ended with a proper feeling of horror from Shining Armor – showing us how badly this story’s particular twist hurt him, or building up his denial more strongly, understanding why it would be such a problem – the tension might have worked, as we would have seen the pain, and understood why it was that Cadance was keeping the secret from him. But without that pain – without the reveal – all we’re left with is the anticlimactic feeling that some comedy fics exploit for the amusement of the fans. As this is ultimately a dramatic piece, it doesn’t quite work, as the tension is suited for a story where the climax is rather worse than the one we actually get.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Sum of Their Parts
by Flipwix
Drama, Sad
7,102 wordsWith an age-old monster set to return and intent on spreading destruction, the Princesses gather to use a spell left behind by the great Star Swirl the Bearded in order to ensure their victory - but they do not fully grasp the effects of the spell until it is too late.
Now all four have become an entirely new being, with her own thoughts and feelings, and she must face the reality of her situation: in order for the Princesses to return, she will have to die.
Why I added it: It was featured and it featured an interesting premise from a first-time writer.
Review
This story summarized itself in its story summary. What I did not realize, going into it, was the extent to which it had summarized itself – the story is more than three quarters of the way done by the time we get through the story summary, and for a story clocking in at 7,000 words, that’s a bit of an issue.
The core problem with this story is that it is too straightforward. What is the central conflict of the piece? It isn’t the monster, despite that being the focus of the first half of the piece – the monster is dispatched with little fanfare. Thus, it should have been what the story summary promised – the moral dilemma of the gestalt alicorn dissolving herself back down to her constituent parts. But not only does this not come in until well after the midpoint of the piece, but the conflict is very cursory – we don’t get any sort of deep examination of the gestalt’s thoughts during this critical point in the story, there’s very little dialogue about it, and by the time we do see inside the gestalt’s head, she has already made up her mind about what to do. And while the gestalt’s decision makes sense, the whole thing feels remarkably low-key for what it is – we know from the start that the monster isn’t the major conflict of the piece, and the rest is not treated in any sort of high-tension manner, resulting in the piece not feeling nearly as dramatic as it should have.
I think the core idea of this piece – that the princesses merged into some sort of super princess in order to fight some monster, but said super-princess now has to dissolve herself back into her constituent parts, which will mean the end of her own existence as an independent entity, is good. In fact, it is why I read the story. But it didn’t really deliver on really grappling with the issue.
That said, this is a solid beginning to a career here – making the featured story box with your first piece is a real achievement, and I hope to see more stuff from this writer in the future.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Drunk Little Ponies
by Estee
Slice of Life
10,827 wordsEvery three years, Ponyville holds a festival celebrating beer and wine, which means this particular townwide party is going to be Spike and Twilight's first. As such, the mayor would truly appreciate it if they took an active claw and hoof in the proceedings.
Because when you're having an alcohol festival in a town populated by magically-capable individuals with dubious judgment skills, there's no possible way anything could go wrong.
...well, more wrong than usual. Or perhaps even wrong by design...
Why I added it: Estee is a good writer
Review
Every three years, Ponyville has a drinking festival. Set before Twilight became an alicorn, this story features Mayor Mare asking Spike to be a judge for the contest (as, due to his physiology as a dragon, he is immune to alcohol), and Twilight to act as a surrogate police officer for the day – because, as it turns out, the town needs some rather heavy firepower to keep order.
But why would you even hold a festival like this if it leads to a bunch of drunk ponies being dumb?
This story feels very meandering and not particularly fresh. The scene with the police at the start is funny, and I enjoyed it, but a lot of the rest of the story feels like Standard Drunk Tropes 101 (except for the bit with Daisy, which was a conspiracy theory joke instead).
The ponies not naming her her, despite many references throughout the story, also felt kind of weird, and while I got that it was a running joke, I wasn’t sure who her her was until the end… and while it was a mildly amusing brick joke, I’m not sure if it was worth the confusion of not naming her.
I think, however, my largest issue is that the moral of the story – something which the description hints at – does not appear as a very obvious theme throughout the piece. Indeed, there’s no real hint that what the mayor says in the denouement about the purpose (which seems to be embracing the same idea as The Purge, except with alcohol instead of violent crime) is true, even within the context of the story. We’re not given any real evidence of it serving such a function, just the Mayor saying so. Beyond the moral being just plain old incorrect, the story doesn’t support it – but the story doesn’t seem to be dedicated to proving her wrong, either. As such, I’m left wondering whether that moral is indeed the point, or what; it was delivered in a serious scene, rather than in a funny manner, which makes me think it was sincere, but if so, it doesn’t really work.
All of this left me feeling a little cold. There were the odd funny bits, and some attempts at feels, and the scene between drunk Applejack and Rarity towards the end felt mostly sincere, but a lot of the scenes didn’t really amuse me all that much, but didn’t really feel like they did much to advance the plot, either. It wasn’t bad, but it just felt unfocused, and never really excelled.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Summary
A Series of Egotistical Events by Estee
Worth Reading
Don’t Want Perfection by Shortmane
Not Recommended
Behind Closed Doors by Cynewulf
Not Recommended
Sum of Their Parts by Flipwix
Not Recommended
Drunk Little Ponies by Estee
Not Recommended
I’m already two stories into my next review set, so hopefully I’ll have more reviews to share later this week.
And don't forget, the FlutterDash contest is ending next Tuesday (October 31st) at midnight Pacific Time, so you've seven more days to get your stories done.
Number of stories still listed as Read It Sooner: 213
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later: 636
Number of stories listed as Read It Eventually: 2169
thank you for the review! the points you make about my first fic are very valid and are things i would certainly fix if i could do it over; while the fic was intended to be more of a simple exploration of a concept and was never intended to be seen by so many people, that doesn't excuse poor planning or composition. it came off much too rushed and showed a lack of foresight in writing and planning it that i've been quite ashamed of in retrospect. that said, i appreciate your thorough review and will definitely keep the things you've pointed out in mind in future fics! have a great day!
When you gonna read my Rarijack :V
Drunk Little Ponies
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
...
Drunk Little Ponies by Estee
Worth Reading
Welp. Color me confused.
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Whoops! Fixed.
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AKLhilghheithegioheg I completely forgot that was even a thing I'm sorry. I started reading it a bit, then my brain fell out of my head for unrelated reasons and I've been working on scooping it back up. Could you PM me a link to it again? D:
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Hehe. It's alright. Good concepts go a long way towards pulling eyes towards stories. Good luck with your future stuff. You have the best pony as an avatar so you can't go too far wrong
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Bribe him with a shirt.
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It's the newest story in my gallery now. :B
TD, when did you start hating me? Do my fics smell bad? Did I start doing noisy yard work next door to you early on a Saturday morning? Did I kick the puppy you wanted to kick before you got to it? Is it because you were insulted when I insulted your mane?
Oh wow, my first real critique on this site, nice!!
Thanks for the review, although shame it wasn't up to snuff.
I do think it was a bit of a interpretation issue (which, fair enough, means I didn't get it across in writing) but it wasn't so much she was remembering how she was feeling, but putting together clues that had always been there and she'd been too blind to see it. Forest for the trees, that sort of thing. Still, totally valid critique.
Appreciate it!
(PS- gonna go wallow in self-pity for a bit before getting back to writing my new horror fic)
(PPS- I'm curious what story you were thinking of writing, because you write some damn good stuff!)
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No. No. Maybe. Yes. No.
Actually, the real reason is more prosaic:
"Hm. Bookplayer published another story! I should read that!"
"Wait, I said I would read Lost Time. I want to read that story. I should read that first."
"Hm, Lost Time is 60,000 words long. I'll set some time aside tomorrow to read that, then I'll get on this."
[THE NEXT DAY]
"Hey, look, something shiny!"
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Aw, you don't need to wallow. I've been called the final boss of FIMFiction and told that me not recommending a story is "just another day in the coal mind waiting for the black lung to set in." Really, I seem a lot scarier than I really am.
Don't feel discouraged. After all, how else am I going to get more RariJack? Write it myself?
(Cleverpun is the optional, much harder boss that you have to beat to get the real ending of the game)
All the way back in August of 2013, back before I even posted Crepes, I made a blog post about some stories I had outlined. I uh...
Finished two of them.
BUT ONE OF THEM WAS THE PERFECT DATE, which was about Rarity landing her DREAM BOYFRIEND, Sterling Silver, a very nice stallion from Canterlot who was basically 100% perfect dream stallion guy. Sure, he's only like, a duke, but being a duchess is good enough, right? She goes out on several dates and is LIVING THE DREAM. He's everything she wants. He's everything she needs. He's a respected silversmith who is a fellow creative person and who is well respected! He says all the right things at exactly the right times!
The story would basically be going through a last, perfect date with him, and Rarity bringing herself to kiss him at the end of it, to prove to herself that no, she really does love him! TRUE LOVE'S FIRST KISS!
And he means nothing to her and she doesn't know why.
The reason I never wrote the story as it was originally outlined was because the story, as originally outlined, started out focused on showing Rarity on the date, and was really focused on basically showing Rarity's dream dash turn to ash in her mouth as she realized that it seemed like everything she wanted, what she really wanted wasn't the same thing she wanted when she decided she wanted to be a princess at age 11. And I wasn't really sure I could make it interesting, plus I needed to do some research on people who realized that they were gay in adulthood to try and make it convincing. I've heard some of them just sort of... went through the motions because that was what they were supposed to do, and that made the most sense to me for Rarity (remember, this was back before Rarity had her crush on Trenderhoof) - basically, she had come up with this idea of who she was supposed to be, and it wasn't that anyone was forcing her into it so much as that, well, clearly that was the way she was! Obviously as a trend-setting fashionista, she would land some amazing dream husband who was perfect to her in every way and an utter gentleman, because that is what a LADY has.
Of course, this is Rarity, whose impulse on confronting a manticore is to jump-kick it, who karate kicks changelings, and who escaped the Diamond Dogs on her own. Her idea of the PERFECT STALLION might require a bit of updating considering that someone who actually treated her super gallantly all the time would absolutely drive her crazy because she's actually a tough, stubborn, determined mare who isn't afraid of anything and who has confronted horrible monsters personally. So maybe the dream she came up with when she was 11 years old might have deserved a bit of an update. But Rarity is nothing if not stubborn.
The thing was, the date sounded like a good idea... but that could only really constitute the setup for the story, and I wasn't really sure at that point how to write a lot of introspection. I had ideas about her asking Rainbow Dash for advice and upsetting Rainbow Dash in the process, because Rainbow Dash isn't gay (in that story), why would Rarity ask her what it was like to be gay? D< And I wanted to have it eventually come around to Applejack being shanghaied into helping Rarity somehow (possibly by Rainbow Dash realizing what was really going on (i.e. it wasn't about her!) and "volunteering" Applejack to help), but I never could really work out the rest of the story very well because bringing in Applejack like that would deny Rarity agency (funny as the idea of Rainbow Dash noping out and pushing Applejack in in her place), and the entire point of the story was Rarity having agency.
Thus, no part of it really came together in my mind, so I never actually got around to writing it, and then Trenderhoof happened and I felt like it was a lot harder to justify the premise that Rarity was stuck on that particular dream. And so I never got around to writing my "Rarity is actually gay" story, which I wasn't even sure would be a RariJack story because it was really supposed to be more about Rarity finding herself than Rarity finding Applejack, because apparently I really love writing stories where ponies don't kiss, despite how much I want them to kiss.
Another one, incidentally, was:
Which is a story idea I really loved so I was totally glad when Bookplayer wrote a story with a similar premise with Rainbow Dash and Applejack and was like "Man, I want to read that. I'm gonna be on that like white on a prissy unicorn." and then uh
Well, I've totally read it, really.
I mean, it is like exactly the perfect idea for a story I'd want to read, because I only write stories I want to read, and if someone else writes exactly the story I want to read, clearly that would mean I'd read it right away and not put it off for like, a year, right?
My decisions totally make sense.
It's okay, though. I'm totally going to read Lost Time tomorrow.
Four Not Recommendeds! You're back in the saddle, TD!
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You're a dragon. You probably have a whole hoard of shiny things. I'll believe it when you
hate itwrite a review.