Slow Burn (Enter the Realm) · 9:12pm Jan 10th, 2018
This happened.
This is an actual conversation that happened. Slightly edited and streamlined to be easier to read, but accurate nonetheless. I am legitimately this fucking dumb. But, shit, might as well be me who tells the story.
Aragón: and then my pharmacist asked my sister if I'm always “like this”
Aragón: which I honestly took as a compliment?
Aragón: but I guess I technically can’t go back to that place anymore
Pearple Prose: Wow
Norm De Plume: Jesus Christ
Norm De Plume: who gave you sugar?
Crystal Wishes: me
Crystal Wishes: it was me
Aragón: YEAH
Aragón: YOU COULD SAY
Aragón: CRYSTAL IS
MrNumbers: Sugar mommy joke
Aragón: THE SUGAR MOMMokay fuck you
Pearple Prose: Wow
Crystal Wishes: 
MrNumbers: Man
MrNumbers: Read you like a FUCKING book
Aragón: oh fuck you
Aragón: it was funny
Pearple Prose: It was not
Norm de Plume: It was kind of a shitty joke
Crystal Wishes: You clearly tried!
Aragón: I hate this fucking chat
MrNumbers: Anyway, talking sugar
MrNumbers: I legitimately just mashed some blueberries in icing sugar after dinner
MrNumbers: And called it dessert
MrNumbers: And it was legit pretty good
Pearple Prose: Blueberries are overrated
MrNumbers: They are!
MrNumbers: They absolutely are
MrNumbers: which is why I mashed them in icing sugar
Pearple Prose: Bilberries are better
Pearple Prose: smaller and tangier
Aragón: bil
Aragón: bilwhat now
MrNumbers: I really like boysenberry better
Pearple Prose: Bilberries
Pearple Prose: they're like blueberries but they actually like
Pearple Prose: taste nice
Pearple Prose: my mum and i sometimes go up to the edge of the moors where they grow
Pearple Prose: not in a long while
Pearple Prose: but we'd pick em and make a pie
Aragón: awwww
Aragón: that's adorable
Aragón: I used to pick these berries with my grandma and my sis as a kid
Aragón: unno how they're called in english
Aragón: These
Pearple Prose: what, blackberries?
Crystal Wishes: blackberries?
Aragón: ...that's a blackberry?
Aragón: wait that is a blackberry
Aragón: I always thought blackberries were something else
Pearple Prose: that looks like a blackberry to me
MrNumbers: You're an idiot
Aragón: I THOUGHT IT MEANT ANOTHER THING
Aragón: IT WAS A TRANSLATION ISSUE
Aragón: I SPEAK THREE LANGUAGES
Aragón: YOU BARELY SPEAK ONE
MrNumbers: You’re such a fucking idiot
Crystal Wishes: um
Crystal Wishes: that’s a blackberry sweetie
Pearple Prose: yeah see
Aragón: yeah so that
Aragón: huh
Aragón: yeah but like
Aragón: what about the red ones
Aragón: these
Crystal Wishes: raspberries?
Aragón: what
Aragón: this is a raspberry?
Pearple Prose: those are raspberries
Crystal Wishes: yes those are raspberries
Aragón: ARE YOU SHITTING ME
Pearple Prose: oh my god
Crystal Wishes: Ara like
Crystal Wishes: how have you reached this point in your life
Crystal Wishes: and are just now having this crisis
Aragón: jesus fucking christ I thought blackberries and raspberries were like
Aragón: completely different things
MrNumbers: Wait, what?
MrNumbers: What do you mean, “you thought”
Octavia Harmony: Are you sure you aren't talking about mulberries?
Crystal Wishes: this is a mulberry:
Pearple Prose: huh i've never seen mulberries before
Undome Tinwe: Mulberries are tasty.
Undome Tinwe: Look weird though
Pearple Prose: yeah they look really weird
Pearple Prose: like droopy old-man blueberries
Aragón: they look like god forgot how to draw a blackberry
Aragón: also why the fuck do you consider blackberries and raspberries different kinds of berry
Aragón: like
Pearple Prose: …because they're different kinds of berry?
Crystal Wishes: they taste totally different
Aragón: in sp-they don't?
Aragón: and they aren’t
Aragón: they're like
Aragón: pretty much the same
MrNumbers: …what?
Pearple Prose: but they're not
Crystal Wishes: they're super different
Crystal Wishes: ara
Crystal Wishes: are you okay
Aragón: taste is slightly sweeter on the black one but dude
Aragón: I just
Aragón: ate them indiscriminately as a kid
Aragón: and now you’re telling me they’re not the same?
Pearple Prose: ara is having a crisis
Crystal Wishes: no what
Crystal Wishes: what are you
Crystal Wishes: their flavor and texture is different
Aragón: LOOK
Aragón: THEY COME
Aragón: FROM THE SAME FUCKING TREE
Pearple Prose: wait
Aragón: SEE
Aragón: I WIN
Pearple Prose: hang on
Pearple Prose: hang on
MrNumbers: No that's...
MrNumbers: Hang on
MrNumbers: Do you
MrNumbers: Do you actually think raspberries are just unripened blackberries
Aragón: WHAT
Aragón: ARE YOU TELLING ME THEY AREN’T
Pearple Prose: oh my jesus
Octavia Harmony: Oh goodness.
Koen: is ara having a moment again
Aragón: ARE YOU SHITTING ME
Crystal Wishes: ara
Pearple Prose: i'm gonna die
Pearple Prose: we went from translation issues to aragon legitimately not knowing how fruit works
MrNumbers: How are you alive
MrNumbers: How did you make it this far
Aragón: wait is that why the red ones weren’t as sweet then
MrNumbers: Aragon y
MrNumbers: You’re not
MrNumbers: You’re not supposed to eat those
MrNumbers: They’re not ripe
MrNumbers: You only eat the black ones
Aragón: HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT
MrNumbers: THE WORD ‘BLACK’ IS LITERALLY IN THE NAME
Aragón: AND HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW -THAT-
Crystal Wishes: Ara
Crystal Wishes: Ara please
Aragón: NO I HAVE BEEN EATING THESE THINGS
Aragón: FOR TWENTY-THREE YEARS
Aragón: I AM SURE THERE’S LIKE AN ACTUAL EXPLANATION FOR THIS BLUNDER
Pearple Prose: aragon did you just fucking go to the plant and feast on the red ones
Pearple Prose: do you honestly think a plant can produce two different berries
Pearple Prose: at the same time
Pearple Prose: didn’t it clue you in that the red ones taste like shit
Aragón: I MEAN I JUST
Aragón: NEVER REALLY STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT IT
Aragón: I THOUGHT THAT’S HOW THE PLANT IS SUPPOSED TO WORK
Pearple Prose: did you also eat the leaves now that we’re at it
Crystal Wishes: Ara can you hold up both hands and close your eyes a moment then open them again
Crystal Wishes: are they still even
Pearple Prose: this is
Pearple Prose: an experience
Pearple Prose: this is a chat mod talking
Pearple Prose: these are the actual words of a chat mod
Pearple Prose: this is how he thinks
Crystal Wishes: do you smell burnt toast
Crystal Wishes: are you drooling out one side of your mouth
Octavia Harmony: is your left arm numb!?
Crystal Wishes: ARA GO TO THE HOSPITAL
Octavia Harmony: His face might be messed up but maybe that's normal?
MrNumbers: You know, he hasn’t said anything in a couple minutes
MrNumbers: Maybe he went to the hospital for real
Aragón: OKAY
Aragón: SO
Aragón: GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKERS
Pearple Prose: no he’s still here
Azure: He’s still here being an idiot
MrNumbers: Right
MrNumbers: I don’t know what I was thinking
MrNumbers: Of course he’s still here being an idiot
MrNumbers: In fact, you know what
Aragón: YOU'RE ALL WRONG
Aragón: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IS WRONG
Aragón: DEWBERRIES
Aragón: TURNS OUT
Aragón: THAT'S THE NAME OF THE BERRY I WAS THINKING ABOUT
Aragón: AND THAT’S NOT ALL
MrNumbers pinned a message to this channel. See all the pins.
Aragón: what the fuck did you pin
MrNumbers: This
MrNumbers: This whole thing
MrNumbers: This is now chat history
MrNumbers: You’re the blackberry guy from this point on
Aragón: okay so first of all
Aragón: suck my dick
MrNumbers: Right
Aragón: second of all, guess what
Aragón: it WAS a translation issue
Aragón: I didn’t know raspberries, and I thought they were just red blackberries/dewberries, because
Aragón: I'm checking wikipedia
Aragón: and raspberries legit don't even have a page in spanish
Aragón: I think they're just
Aragón: not a thing in here
Pearple Prose: huh
Aragón: weirdly enough they do have a page in aragonese?
Aragón: Chordón
Aragón: they apparently only exist super high in the mountains
Aragón: so they're just
Aragón: not a thing here
Aragón: so yeah I always assumed raspberries were literally unrippened blackberries
Aragón: 'cause blackberries are rare enough as it is
Aragón: and if as a kid you just pick'em all, you only see red and black fruits
Aragón: and go oh so they just work like that
Crystal Wishes: oh?
Crystal Wishes: I guess that explains it
Pearple Prose: that is a surprisingly logical explanation for this huge shitstorm
Aragón: call this the POWER OF LANGUAGE
Aragón: the LACK OF A NAME FOR THE FRUIT IN SPANISH
MrNumbers: frambuesa
Aragón: made me ASSUME th-what
Aragón: w
Aragón: what
MrNumbers: The Spanish name is frambuesa
MrNumbers: Five seconds with google translate it took me
Aragón: wait
Aragón: WAIT
Aragón: NO
MrNumbers: I legitimately know more Spanish than you
Aragón: NO
MrNumbers: Yes
Aragón: ARE YOU SHITTING ME
Aragón:THAT’S HOW FRAMBUESAS LOOK LIKE?
MrNumbers: Yes
MrNumbers: Also how raspberries look like
MrNumbers: You massive fucking tool
Crystal Wishes: omg
Crystal Wishes: you were so close ara
Crystal Wishes: you were so close to not looking like a total idiot
Aragón: FUCK
Aragón: I THOUGHT THEY WERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
Aragón: WHY DO I KEEP GETTING SURPRISED AT FRUIT
Pearple Prose: t
Pearple Prose: this person is a mod in this chat
Pearple Prose: we are supposed to respect this person’s authority
Pearple Prose: and trust his judgment
Aragón: I THOUGHT THOSE WERE WAY BIGGER
Crystal Wishes: bigger?
Crystal Wishes: what, raspberries?
Aragón: YEAH
Aragón: I DON’T KNOW, I THOUGHT THEY WERE LIKE CLEMENTINES OR SOMETHING
Pearple Prose: holy shit
Koen: …I leave for ten minutes and I come back to this
Koen: is ara having another moment?
MrNumbers: No, no, the previous one never ended
Koen: ah, I see
Koen: wait that’s actually worse
Aragón: OKAY BUT
Aragón: YOU FUCKS
Aragón: WHY ARE BLUEBERRIES, BLACKBERRIES, AND RASPBERRIES SO FUCKING SIMILAR IN ENGLISH
Pearple Prose: dude they aren’t
Crystal Wishes: ara
Crystal Wishes: ara they are not
Crystal Wishes: ara that’s what we’ve been arguing about for the last twenty minutes
Aragón: I MEAN THE NAME
Aragón: IN SPANISH THEY’RE LIKE
Aragón: FRAMBUESA, ARÁNDANO, MORA
Aragón: BAM
Aragón: IMPOSSIBLE TO MIX THEM UP
MrNumbers: You literally didn’t know that until five minutes ago, when I told you
Aragón: SHUT UP
Azure: I mean they’re all still berries
Azure: so we call them berries
Lumen: ...huh. Now I am looking up the botany of berries. Turns out that strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries are not actually berries in the technical sense.
Aragón: HAH
Crystal Wishes: oh?
Crystal Wishes: we’re learning so much about fruit today
Aragón: SEE
Aragón: SEE
Aragón: FUCKING
Aragón: ARAGÓN VS THE ENTIRETY OF THE ANGLOSAXON CULTURE
Aragón: ARAGÓN - 1
Aragón: YOU FUCKS - 0
Lumen: That one's more like "botany is weird", though.
Aragón: I’M STILL WINNING
MrNumbers: I’m sorry, are we discussing botany now?
MrNumbers: Because I was under the impression we were just discussing your overall
MrNumbers: You know
MrNumbers: Aragonness
Crystal Wishes: ara we were discussing how fruits are a mystery to you
Crystal Wishes: I don’t think there’s any possible way you can win in this
Pearple Prose: I still don’t understand why we allow him to be a mod
MrNumbers: I don’t understand why we allow him to breathe
Aragón: NO
Aragón: SHUT UP I WIN
Aragón: I AM AN EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT INDIVIDUAL
Aragón: WIDELY LAUDED AS A LINGUISTIC GENIUS
Aragón: BECAUSE I TAUGHT MYSELF THREE DIFFERENT LANGUAGES WITH NOTHING BUT THE TV
MrNumbers: Are you sure of that
Aragón: YES
Pearple Prose: I mean I would agree but
Pearple Prose: I think not knowing raspberries transcends the boundaries of language
Crystal Wishes: yeah you didn’t even know the spanish word for it ara
Aragón: I WILL NOT BE RIDICULED JUST BECAUSE OF SOME BERRIES
Aragón: MY MASTERY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Aragón: AND THE WORLD OF BERRIES
Aragón: IS UNDENIABLE
Aragón: JUST BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW ONE WORD DOESN’T MEAN I’M DUMB
Planet Exa: Hey did you know silicon and silicone are two completely different things
Aragón: …
Aragón: …
Aragón:WHAT
Pearple Prose: oh my fucking god
I didn't know if I wanted to blog about this, because not understanding the abstract concept of a fucking raspberry is kind of too dumb even for me -- but then Planet Exa commissioned the blog outta me.
I was told by other people that, shit, seeing how half my blogs are already humiliating enough, and I post those for free, I might as well take the money and post this. And you know what, good point.
And fuck raspberries.
...You people are running a contest judging humor?
I remember this. This was goddamned amazing to watch unfold.
You're the best, Ara.
4770890
I mean, in this particular case it's more like raspberries fucked you. :V
That was a berry entertaining chat log.
Oh Christ, you beautiful idiot. I haven't laughed myself to tears in a while, whoo, thanks. I, I'm bookmarking this, because this is great. Oh, I needed a laugh.
the tragic downfall of a man and his berries
A note: the silicon/silicone distinction was part of a separate incident which has been edited together so it's all in the same place.
that said,
Is a pretty good summary of how that went down.
EDIT: For once I can't believe I'm not the meanest person to you in this blog post
cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0384/2917/products/1_SF-cookiegram-iloveyou_copy_grande_57c5f3b5-1e55-4475-aca6-fc1a2301ae3b.jpg?v=1432150832
This is wonderful.
(If you want to bring regional dialects into it and it helps, you can call blackberries brambles instead.)
Man, my sole contribution to that conversation shows just how much in awe I was of the whole situation.
Also, can confirm mulberries are great.
4770893
It’s okay.
They have the progenitor of the Beanis Cinematic Universe to keep them in line.
God damn it, I am trying to be stealthy about this. I am doing what I can to keep my addiction to this ludicrous horseword site on the down-low while at work. And then you and your freaking berry ignorance come in and make me chortle like I'm Statler and Waldorf's freakish foam-rubber old-man-baby and I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Also, screw all y'all, blueberries are delicious.
The fact that a Spanish guy has never heard of raspberries is particularly amusing to me, given that they're a pretty regular part of my diet, and that the supermarket I buy them from sources their raspberries from... Spain.
4770913
Pure gold, Aragon, pure gold 
This is why I'm glad I have an office with a door. I almost fell out of my chair, I was laughing so hard
4770890
When did you meet up with these people? Because all of them seem to be on this site. If I'm not wrong.
Which is cool. I'm cool with that.
Because it's like the all stars group of writing just hanging out to chat.
Ara... I love you.
Ironically, I'm not sure laudelled is a word, at least in English. Lauded, or laurelled (though I feel the latter's archaic), but not laudelled.
More importantly, this made me laugh till my torso hurt. All of it. Thank you for sharing this with us, and a thank you to the commissioner as well.
I don't think this at all sums up the sheer confusion that the chat was going through. Like, the moment we thought the confusion was explained you'd manage to throw another curve-ball at us.
You know at this point I think I follow you more for your blogs than your stories. There is just something... majestic in your misadventures.
4770890
I felt like I was you through the whole conversation... fuck...
no wait.
fuck botany.
- Sincerely: An Spanish weabo.
Brushing teeth, browsing journals, casually starting to read... i think the whole house is awake by now, that's how hard I laughed (after I finished choking on toothpaste). Simply glorious!
12/10
my fucking sides
4770919
They hang out with me, in my realm, where I am king.
4770890, confirm my royalty to these two tone motherfuckers you call fans.
4770933
all hail king magello
4770933
4770919
It is, indeed, Magello's realm. Hence the name of the blog. He is its rightful owner, and before him we kneel.
4770922
Ah, I missed that typo. Fixed.
4770938
And if you're stuck on writing, King Magello will perform his royal duty and finish it for you. All you must do is ask.
Hell, i legit laughed at the part clementime part...
Although, what kind of land is spain if you can only grow them in the frigging mountains (and "super high" ) when they requier somewhat "high" temperature...
Then again i doubt they can actually grow in such a enviroment and you meant another fruit...
Thank you, Ara. I just fucking cried. Every time I see one of these it makes my day.
...I realize that implies you making yourself look like an idiot makes my day...
Sorry.
Not sorry
4770933
Wow. I have always wanted to be called a two tone fucker.
...What does two tone mean!?
Jesus H Christ this is the greatest thing I have ever read
This is legendary.
This is the best thing I have read all week.
Wow.
Just....yeah.
At least I’m not the only one having linguistic existential crisis.
Oh wow. That was a laugh and a half. Honestly, if you never put out another story again, I'd keep following you just for the blog posts.
i find much humor in this blog post
Jesus, was this is the FimFic chat? I need to spend more time where ever this happened.
4770909 I am pretty impressed. That's like a core part of your identity isn't it?
4770913 Only when cooked, raw they're just kinda bleh.
This was wonderful to read.
In which Aragón is the silliest pony.
This whole
I'm fucking dying
THIS IS YOU
At least you didn't get into the different varieties of raspberries.
THAT being said, grafted plants can have 2 or more varities of plant as long as they are in the same family
Psst, nobody tell him about blue raspberries
Okay I'm running this script through a few re-word replacers so that it can legit be team JNPR and friends having this conversation then sending it off to a comic artist to have it drawn up. Okay? Okay. I've wanted to do something like this with one of your blogs for a while now. THis is just the perfect opportunity.
This is probably the single most hilarious chat I've read ever.
I gave the ugliest, chortling laugh while reading this, so thank you.
Aragon, the funny thing is that if you were a Pokémon trainer, you would have been totally correct. In the latest games, every type of berry comes from the same kind of tree.
One of these days the fact that everyone apparently calls you Ara is going to short-circuit my brain in a fashion which is statistically meaningfully similar to the extant circumstances.