Trying.

The past year and a half or so have been the most trying of my life lost two people very dear one to a heart attack my grandfather and one of my best friends to Murder or Suicide the police didn't have enough evidence to tell. I got a surprise daughter three doctors told us that we would never have a baby, blew my back out and am facing an 80% cut on my disability I'm permanently retired from USMC For Traumatic Spinal cord injuries which are healed (according to the VA) despite debilitating pain, loss of sensation and occasional loss of control of my left leg I mean it is really funny for my family and friends waiting on my leg to cut and watch me topple. My friends are dicks but I would laugh at them too if they randomly shouted oh fuck and fell over. This with all of life's other trials I've been suffering from depression. The real kick in the balls is that I can't get help, I work in the firearms industry, I repair weapons and teach self defense have Two college degrees and over a dozen certifications tied up in it and the minute I tell a Dr yeah I've thought of killing myself I'm a danger to myself and I lose everything I've worked for. I can't talk to my wife, or my parents, or even my friends. That's why I'm on here talking about things that i can't in person.
But i'm trying to make 2018 better i'm trying to improve my health by losing some weight and building my other muscles that i can use. i'm trying to improve my mental attitude by taking some time every day to do something productive that I enjoy. writing, reading, relearning Japanese, wood working just something positive. I'm going to try and stay this side of the dirt a while longer. It's just hard especially alone.

P.s i don't expect any sympathy or responses i don't have many followers. But putting it out there offers some catharsis.