In Which I Suffer Through New Moon: Chapter 15 -- Pressure · 3:32pm Mar 31st, 2018
Bella’s still alive by spring break. She’s settled into a comfortable routine of visiting Jacob on weekends, talking with him whenever he has the time. During a dinner at La Push on the first day of spring break, she and Jacob slip out early for some alone time.
He reached over and took my hand. His skin was blazing on mine.
“Is that one of those wolf things?” I asked him. “The heat, I mean.”
“Yeah. We run a little warmer than the normal people. About one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine. I never get cold anymore. I could stand like this” — he gestured to his bare torso — “in a snowstorm and it wouldn’t bother me. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood.”
I’m not sure body temperature works that way, but oh well. The body heat is part of the reason Jacob’s worried about Quil, because his body temperature is rising. It’s only a matter of time before Quil wolfs out, too. According to Jacob, the first change is particularly terrifying, since you feel so helpless and you don’t know what’s going on; he almost ripped Billy’s face off when it happened.
“The hardest part is feeling… out of control,” he said slowly. “Feeling like I can’t be sure of myself — like maybe you shouldn’t be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I’m a monster who might hurt somebody. You’ve seen Emily. Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she was standing too close. And now there’s nothing he can ever do to put it right again.
“Who wants to be a nightmare, a monster?
“And then, the way it comes so easily to me, the way I’m better at it than the rest of them — does that make me even less human than Embry or Sam? Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m losing myself.”
The ability to turn into a wolf is hereditary, Jacob says, and all of the current werewolves had an ancestor — typically a great-grandfather — who was part of the last pack.
Jacob changes the subject to the Cullens. Bella says it didn’t creep her out, being around vampires, which is slightly baffling to Jacob. He asks about the extra powers the Cullens have. Bella hesitates a bit — it’d feel like a betrayal of their trust — but decides that they’re gone, so it doesn’t matter. She explains their powers and we get this suspiciously specific line:
“Jasper could… sort of control the emotions of the people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calm someone down, that kind of thing.”
I feel like that line’s there specifically to deny emotional manipulation is creepy.
However, Jacob notices that Bella seems to be having a hard time talking about the Cullens and questions her about it.
“It hurts to think about them,” I whispered. “It’s like I can’t breathe… like I’m breaking into pieces…”
CM + 1
Between the two of them, they agree that they’re one messed-up pair, which I can’t deny.
But over the week, Jacob frequently has to take off to look for Victoria, leaving Bella alone. She tries staying at Billy’s and studying, but she doesn’t like taking up space there and can’t keep her mind on calculus. She tries staying at Emily’s, which is fine when it’s just Emily — she’s a cheerful, busy person — but can’t stand it when Sam stops by.
The aura of love and contentment that surrounded them was harder to take in concentrated doses, with no one else around to dilute it.
It’s not direct, but the implication is there. CM + 1
Jacob notices that Bella has a hard time staying occupied and suggests they do something fun. Bella wanted to go cliff diving, so he’ll take her cliff diving. Bella examines the cliffs.
The dark water did not look inviting, and, from this angle, the cliffs looked even higher than before.
But it had been days since I’d heard Edward’s voice. That was probably part of the problem. I was addicted to the sound of my delusions. It made things worse if I went too long without them. Jumping off a cliff was certain to remedy that situation.
“Sure, I’m up for it. Fun.”
“It’s a date,” he said, and draped his arm around my shoulders.
CM + 1. Also, Bella’s blatantly manipulating her best friend so she can hallucinate about her boyfriend who left her… probably five or six months ago, now. Headdesk. Headdesk. Headdesk.
Bella heads over to La Push early the next morning, only to find that Jacob and the others had to leave. They found a fresh trail and think Victoria may have made a mistake, allowing them to corner her. Bella’s scared for them, even though A) they outnumber her five-to-one, B) werewolves are “meant” to kill vampires, according to Jacob, and C) they’ve already killed one vampire easily. I think they can handle it.
Bella goes for a walk to work off her stress. Unfortunately, that doesn’t quite work; the land is unusually quiet, so she’s just left with her thoughts of Jacob possibly dying and her not going cliff diving that day.
No. Nothing would happen to Jacob. I had to believe that or I wouldn’t be able to function.
CM + 1
I’d really been counting on hearing Edward this morning. It seemed like that was the one thing that might make it bearable to live through this day. The hole had been festering lately, like it was getting revenge for the times that Jacob’s presence had tamed it. The edges burned.
CM + 1
I imagined the utter freedom of the fall… I imagined the way Edward’s voice would have sounded in my head — furious, velvet, perfect… The burning in my chest flared agonizingly.
CM + 1
So Bella decides to go alone. Just diving for the first time with no one to help her and not telling anyone where she’s going. Great idea.
I knew that this was the stupidest, most reckless thing I had done yet. The thought made me smile. The pain was already easing, as if my body knew that Edward’s voice was just seconds away…
CM + 1
Once Bella reaches the top of the cliff, she hears Edward’s voice, begging her not to jump. She got what she wanted, so she’s going to turn away, right? Nope. She jumps anyway. What the fuck. Seriously. Predictably, soon after she hits the water, the current catches her and batters around. Egged on by Edward, she struggles against the current. But as her air runs out and Edward’s voice gets stronger, she gives up.
My ears were flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. I ignored his words and concentrated on the sound of his voice. Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I’d forgotten what real happiness felt like.
Holy shit. Increasing the multiplier again. CM + 1
And as the current grabs her and drags her down, Bella loses consciousness. (checks Table of Contents) Sadly, she doesn’t drown.
Clinginess Meter: 54 x 4
That girl needs therapy.
Curse you, Table of Contents! This is all your fault! D:
This girl needs SO MUCH therapy.
Ten degrees is not "a little warmer." 108ºF is enough to cause brain damage just from the heat... which may explain some things about werewolf social dynamics.
Any time you find yourself thinking "Jumping off a cliff was certain to remedy that situation," seek help.
It's psychosomatic.