So... It's me... Again... I think...

Hey, it had been months, I think. I uploaded yet another series (even when I said I wouldn't do that), but at least it had four chapters already written, it just need some edition to be up. And, well...

I'm in the last weeks in the school. I'm about to fail a bunch of subjects and probably I would have to do it again on summer. But, well... Oh god...

It had been a tough month, this and the last. I have had a couple of break down lately since I'm at two semesters of getting out of the university and beggan the glamorous life of someone who doesn't know what to do with his life. The thrill of not be prepared for anything, and the excitement of the feeling useless.

The truth is... I really like to write... A lot... Not just about ponies, no. I did find my love for it when I begin with this little creature's world, but I was writing since long before.

But my self confidence has been destroyed over and over again in the past months, enough for me to want to stop life and get down of it. It's just that I had a pretty though times trying to finally start trusting in what I want and what I am that it's just too hard for me not to be affected by those kind of things.

I know I have a lot of work to do. I really want to improve. I want to be better...

I did NEVER had this feeling for something that made me want to improve each day, to do it each day, to learn it, and to share. I want to help other people, to impress them, to make them feel something. To make them cry, make them smile, and make them forget their problems, even if it's just for a short time. I want to show them those worlds I see every time I close my eyes. To make them look into themselves and ask "what would I do" and "what woould happend".

I want to write.

I did try a lot of things in my life. Some of them more appealing than others, but any of them got even close to where I'm when I write without anything else in my mind. Just me, and that other world.

But sometimes... Sometimes I don't think I have what it takes to do it. I had been told by close friends that it has no use. That I should just keep it as a hobby and dedicate full time to my carrer (I'm studying computer engineer). I like programming. But I don't want to be a developer for living. I don't want to work for a corporative doing code in a disposable team. I began to study this to be freelancer. To work in my own videogames that I wrote so long ago.

I have twenty books concept and other ten fanfics concepts. I want to think I can do it. That I can reach that goal if I stretch my arms long enough. That I could write for living. Not to be a huge success, no. Just enough to afford a live... But my conviction dies faster than my own self esteem (And that dies almost instantly, just for the records).

So, yeah...

What was this all about?

I think I just wanted to vent a little. I have been so frustrated lately in so many aspects. It just feels like no matter what I do and no matter what I try, I will just never be able to reach a point where I could say that I did some kind of progress in my life, in a good direction...

I feel trapped in my own life, one that goes straight and with no breaks to nowhere, and the harder I want to change the course, the harder they tell me to keep it straight.

The school didn't allow me to write nearly as much as I want, and the little I could, I wasn't totally into it. I was tired. So tired... I even thought that I was losing my passion for writing...

It's just terrifying for me to think that I might never been able to make my writing anything more than a hobby.

And to lose the only thing that gave some sense to my life after all this years of emptiness, is just too much. I don't have the strenght to bear with that. I know I could have a pretty good life doing SE, there's a lot of work oportunities in almost every company, and the pay is good. But that is not what I want. I know that live from writing is hard...

Ideally I will work for a couple of years in development while writing some books until I could sell them somewhere digitally.

But it just seems so far... And so unreachable...

I... I'm sorry if you read it this far. I have nothing to offer after all.

I just cant thank enough to Sejox and Lee

They both had helping me in ways that they don't even know. In my life and in my drafts. I can't thank them enough, sometimes I think I'm too hanged off from they two that I think I'm a burden... Thankfully they had told me the otherwise, but something in me just can't believe that, hehe... I'm sorry for that.

And yet here I am. trying not to shriek over a selfish request. With no problems besides my mind and body.

I just... I just want a break... I just want to get down of all of this for a while, and, I don't know... Just write. But it's too selfish from me. I can't just live from my parents money after I finished my carrer.

I'm afraid.

Afraid that I will be trapped in my own routine and just fall again in that deep hole I was half a year ago... That I'll become in just an empty vessel again. That I'll be dead again...

I don't want to go back to that. I just don't want to...

I'm sorry, but there is nothing else I could say. And there is nothing you could learn from here. This was just a selfish blog entry I did. If you were looking for some updates or something, well, I'm sorry for dissapoint you, again.

Hopefully I'll see you later, in a week or two, maybe. Maybe in other conditions. My thoughts are storming in and out, and I don't think I could write anything coherent from here.

I'm sorry to waste your time with this. I'm so sorry. But... I had to write this...

And thank you... To all of you who read this. And those who read that things I like to call "stories". Thank you. It's because of all of you that I got that little spark of hope in what I do, and is because of all of you that I started to think that there has to be a better way to live than just a coding machine...

Thank you so much...

See ya.