Paul's Thursday Reviews CXX · 10:45pm Jun 21st, 2018
It is an odd tick of mine that I can do so much and yet still fail to meet a goal. My goal for this month was to reach 60k words. I know, that makes some people’s eyes bug out. But in order to do that, I’d have to make 3k a day for the rest of the month starting three days ago. Whelp, I now know there’s no way that’s happening. While I’ve had a 3k day or two in the last week, most of my work has been limited to 1.5k-2k a day, which means my longer goal is not going to happen.
...and this is the point where we say Paul’s too hard on himself. Most people would be thrilled to get as much work done as I do when I fail at my goals. As such, I’m not going to let this bother me. I’ll downgrade my goals slightly and stick to my overarching target of 2k/day. Which, I grant, some people would still consider extreme. But I can do that a heck of a lot easier than 3k.
This has been a week of successes regardless. For one, I’ve written a new story that I hope to release as soon as the artist of my chosen cover art gets back to me with confirmation I can use said art (or goes long enough without answering to make clear they don’t care/ are no longer active). I also finally released another chapter of Life of Pie, which was running late by a few weeks, and finished a short chapter of my OF Fortune. At this rate I’ll catch back up to my schedule in no time. Hay, I’m even close to starting the next book in the Bulletproof Heart trilogy, to my immense pleasure.
Alright, enough of the progress report. I just got blood work done and need to get some food in my system. Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Withdrawal by Raugos
Dawing Do to the Wescue by Wodahseht
Lessons Learned by RoyalBardofCanterlot
If Horses Had Gods by Ponky
The Ties That Bind by Ponydora Prancypants
I'm Lost Without You by FamousLastWords
Song of Thunder by Zodiacspear
Wild Fire by Horse Voice
Tea for Two by Bluespectre
Bards of the Badlands by Novel-Idea
Total Word Count: 284,732
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Withdrawal
85,266 Words
By Raugos
In order to shamelessly pander to fans with an overdone and needless DragonBall-style battle defeat Tirek, Twilight had to take in the power of all the royal alicorns. Now that the power is returned to its rightful owners, however, Twilight is feeling different. Empty. Hungry. She devises a way to fix that, because that’s what Twilight does. Needless to say, it doesn’t go according to plan.
I was really looking forward to this when it first came out. Even if it didn’t go where I expected it to, it didn’t disappoint. The story focuses on Twilight’s battle with an extreme case of magic withdrawal, itself a parallel to real world withdrawal (drug addiction? alcohol?). I expected the obvious, worst case scenario of Twilight becoming the next Tirek. What I got instead was a lot of character building and personal growth as she struggles with her newfound addiction.
Now, I can safely say that I’ve never been addicted to anything (unless you count video games, which apparently the WHO now does). As such, I couldn’t possibly judge the accuracy of Raugos’s interpretation of the problem. From my limited perspective I think they handled it very well, but those with more experience in these matters may disagree. I have no idea, but if Twilight’s experience is anything to go by then I think I’ll be glad for that. An addicted Twilight is scary at times.
A few unexpected elements appear that give the story some nice flavor. The most interesting of these is the arrival of Winder and Tacky. I won’t be stating the nature of their arrival for the sake of spoilers, but I will note that it’s a clever and smart addition by the author. It also provides a spattering of worldbuilding, which I can only approve of in this case.
When it comes down to it, the only thing that people might take issue with (ignoring the addiction comments above) is that the story seems very… meandering, as though Raugos had no overarching plan. This is not surprising, considering that by the author’s own admission the story wasn’t meant to be more than four chapters in length. I feel he did a good job with this, especially compared to how I’ve seen some authors handle it, but others may find fault so it bears mentioning.
Ultimately, this story came out strong to me. I enjoyed the majority and felt Raugos handled the main topic well. The winding nature can leave one miffed at times, but it all comes together well enough to provide for a nice read overall.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Dawing Do to the Wescue
1,489 Words
By Wodahseht
I anticipated fifteen hundred words of Filly Twilight being adorable. In the end it came out to maybe fifty words of Filly Twilight being adorable. But that’s okay if you read it from the beginning with the cover art in mind and use your imagination. Would that be, like, reverse-imagining?
Regardless, this was a fun little tale of childish nonsense and absolutely worth the five minutes it takes to read. I’d say more, but I don’t think I need to. I mean, look at the cover art, people. Look at it.
You already know all you need to.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Lessons Learned
24,601 Words
By RoyalBardofCanterlot
Alternate Title: The Bard Really Likes Writing Spankings
In this story we find the Mane 6, Cadance, Shining Armor, and Princess Luna enjoying a slumber party together (nb4 Shining is one lucky bastard) at Twilight’s. When it comes out that Spike did something wrong and got spanked for it, the ponies begin sharing their stories of things they did as foals that led to them getting a similar treatment.
I should note that, yes, everypony offers a story that leads to a spanking. If you’re the type that can’t tell the difference between a spanking and a beating, you’ll probably want to avoid this one.
I had expected something a little silly given that’s how these stories often go, but in this case we get stories that are, generally speaking, of a more serious nature. Applejack dealing with the loss of her parents, Fluttershy unable to deal with guilt, and Shining Armor using spells too advanced for his age all make for stories worth hearing. Pinkie, Rainbow, and Twilight got some pretty good ones, too. Rarity’s was my favorite, if only because seeing a three year old Rarity behaving like a little monster was highly entertaining. Cadance’s story… I couldn’t really get behind it, mostly because I can’t imagine Celestia whipping anyone. She strikes me as the type who would teach lessons without that, regardless of how well it was earned. Meh, headcanons, amiright?
Then there was Luna’s which I couldn’t take seriously at all. The Bard tried, though. Maybe others will get more out of hers than I did.
Overall, I like the concept, and I think the Bard did a good job of it. The treatment did strike me as a bit odd though. When my parents whipped me, I got maybe four strikes max. That was all I needed to get the message. I guess the Bard’s experience is different, because the spankings of his characters seemed to go on for far longer than was necessary. Which makes me wonder if they didn’t just want to write spankings. 
They sure do linger, and offer quite a lot of detail, which repeat often enough that I began skimming those scenes.
Of course, there’s also the traditional problem with this author, which is a writing style filled with “amateur mistakes.” Take this highly repetitive paragraph:
The first roc recovered from his spin and hurled against the second one's chest. The second one pushed back and the first one sliced his beak against the second one's face. The second one was determined and sank his talons into the first one's leg.
Yeah, that’s a bucketload of confusing. I get that the Bard wanted to make a thrilling action scene where we can see everything that happens, but there are times when generalizations and vagueries are appropriate. I’d say the entire roc battle was one of those times. But even ignoring that, there were too many places where the same words got used two, three, or even four times in close proximity.
Or how about being overly direct, which kills the mood. Here we have Pinkie just before her inevitable punishment:
Pinkie avoided her gaze. Cloudy wrapped her in a hug. Pinkie blinked and hugged back. Cloudy let her go.
Yeeeah, I’m not getting anything out of that, are you? But then we have these short sentences that seem to be trying to cram as much information as they can into a tiny space with awkward results:
As she took a few trembling steps towards the door of the class she felt somepony bump into her causing her to stumble.
There’s some punctuation missing there, methinks, and it wouldn’t help anywhere near as much as turning that into two sentences. Fortunately, this problem in particular didn’t occur too frequently.
So the writing is… meh. But again, that seems to be a Bard staple so far. If you can ignore it, you’ll probably find something worth your while. You’ll also have to deal with old headcanons vs modern canon, but that shouldn’t be a problem provided you accept when the story was written. Speaking of, Bard mentions something about Cadance being caught in a time stream right after her alicornication? Is this canon and I missed it all these years, or is it part of the Bard’s headcanon? I seriously haven’t a clue. (EDIT: Ah, this appears to be a holdover from one of the Bard’s other stories.)
Anyway, lessons abound with each chapter, and they are quite enjoyable (or at least proper). The Bard has pulled off a story strong enough to survive in spite of the writing style.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Care and Raising of Pegasii — Needs Work
Her Shield, His Heart — Incomplete
If Horses Had Gods
7,711 Words
By Ponky
I would like to believe that religious journeys are fascinating things regardless of the faith of the viewer. In this story, we watch one such religious journey, even if it is a brief one.
Twilight has discovered that organized religion more or less isn’t a thing in Equestria. Apart from wondering why, she also begins to wonder what is true and false regarding the nature of God. So, as is typical of “Twilight seeks knowledge and advice” stories, she goes to ask all her friends whether they believe in God and why, all in an effort to determine what her own belief should be. Unfortunately for her, she discovers that each of her friends believes something entirely different from all the rest.
I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I felt that each of the Mane 6’s views (and Celestia’s) worked well for their individual characters. The story is ultimately less about what is right and what is wrong, but rather about the journey of discovery that all people must go through to find their own personal niche of faith – even if that Nietzscheniche is no faith at all. I especially appreciate the open-ended nature of the story, which leaves Twilight, and thus the audience, to contribute their own conclusions.
However, I did find it curiously ominous when Twilight noted that organized religion in Equestria disappeared right when Celestia and Luna took power. I can’t help but think Ponky’s hiding a message in that regarding the nature of ‘enlightened rulers’ and organized religion.
In the end, this was a pleasant little study on the nature of religion and how individuals develop their own unique faiths. It may be kryptonite to the fundamentalists out there, but ignoring them I see no reason not to indulge.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Mantles — Pretty Good
The Sisters Doo — Pretty Good
Through the Looking-glass and What Pinkie Found There — Worth It
The Ties That Bind
78,751 Words
Ponydora Prancypants failed to provide cover art.
Requested by RTStephens
Alternative Title: You Don’t Know Jack About Friendship is Magic
Not so much a request as a recommendation, but I was still trying to figure out where to put Seattle’s Angels stories at the time I put this in my schedule. Written way back in early Season 2, I can only assume Ponydora Prancypants is embarrassed by the existence of this one. I can think of no other reason to not transfer it from the obviously inferior fanfiction.net to fimfiction.net.
In this story, we find that Twilight has received word from one of her old teachers that there is a threat on the princesses, and so decides to investigate the matter personally. For no good reason whatsoever and in a completely out-of-character manner, she decides to bring Rarity along but none of her other friends. Also for no reason whatsoever, she decides to A) not tell anyone where she’s going or why, B) brainwash Spike into forgetting she ever existed as a means of ensuring he “won’t worry about her while she’s gone”, and C) somehow fails to consider that Spike forgetting her very existence is going to alert every single pony in Ponyville that something is horribly, horribly wrong.
Things only go downhill from there, and I’m not just talking in terms of plot.
Somehow, we are expected to believe that a bunch of ponies – who can only get their cutie marks when they discover their special talent – have been led to believe that their cutie marks don’t actually represent anything whatsoever. So did they just not notice that the unicorns controlling their lives had cutie marks matching their special talents? Where they never allowed to do that which they were good at? Then how did they ever get their cutie marks to begin with? And then you expect me to believe that a crowd so thoroughly brainwashed as to fall for that hairbrained bit of manipulation will miraculously become independent the instant they’d been told otherwise, promptly undoing entire lifetimes of indoctrination? Riiiiight.
The main villain is boring. The most he does is stand around making speeches about how amazing he is, having delusions of grandeur, and screaming at underlings when they fail to give him results. Oh, he pulls off a nice “I’m all powerful!” spell or two, but if he really wanted to be a boss he’d be unleashing that shit all the time. Also, he clearly doesn’t know a thing about what is happening in his own country, considering how easily he eats any blatant lie thrown his way.
Add to that a number of obviously incorrect names. P.E.G.A.S.U.S.? Really? It’s Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. This is stated directly in Season 1.
Why is Rainbow Dash ordering around the Wonderbolts as if she were some high-ranking military officer?
But the worst thing about this story? Ponydora Prancypants assumes that you, a fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, who is reading this story, doesn’t know anything whatsoever about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Hey, there’s Twilight! Let’s describe her color-coded appearance, her job, and her history in intricate detail! Because you don’t know anything about Twilight.
Hey, there’s Pinkie Pie! Let’s describe her color-coded appearance, her job, her history, and her Pinkie Sense in intricate detail! Because you don’t know anything about Pinkie Pie.
Hey, I just mentioned events from A Dog and Pony Show! Let’s go into intricate detail regarding everything that happened in that episode in a lengthy tangent, even though it has nothing to do whatsoever with the current events, because you clearly missed that episode.
This happens in every chapter with great regularity. It’s so hideously commonplace that I actually skipped large chunks of narrative and focused purely on the dialogue on several occasions just to get away from it. I don’t know what the author was thinking, but this was an all-around terrible decision that ruins the story all by itself.
Oh, and for some reason every chapter includes… uh… multiple chapters? Not scene breaks, actual, labeled chapters within the chapters. Why? Fanfiction.net may be a lo-tech, inferior product, but it still lets you make multiple chapters, a fact the author is clearly aware of. Why would you cram ten chapters into a single chapter if you never intended them to be separate chapters?
I could go on, but I think the point is made. The good news is that, ignoring the bland villain, the story has some merit. Trixie’s role was interesting from start to finish and Rarity proved her own on multiple occasions. When utilized, Pinkie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Spike all got opportunities to shine. The general concept really isn’t so bad. But there are so many holes in the story, and a great many elements pop up completely out of left field.
Now, Ponydora Prancypants is the same author that gave us The Flight of the Alicorn, a truly amazing story and a titanic improvement over The Ties That Bind. Clearly, this author has developed from back in the day that this was written. I have nothing but praise for this. But this story is certainly not something I could recommend.
On the other hand, I might recommend a rewrite. If Ponydora Prancypants were to rebuild this from scratch with everything they’ve learned in the last few years, I can see a lot of potential in the overall idea.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Flight of the Alicorn — WHYRTY?
Giant Enemy Carb — Worth It
Que Sera, Sera — Needs Work
I'm Lost Without You
5,415 Words
By FamousLastWords
Requested by FamousLastWords
Spike is Equestria’s ambassador. Ambassador to where? Everywhere, apparently. He’s gone and missed an anniversary with Rarity though, and that’s got him all worked up. Rarity will forgive him. Won’t she?
Conceptually? The story isn’t bad at all. It has decent pacing, a nice little twist, and generally good Spike characterization. What it lacks is in the directing.
FamousLastWords had a lot of great opportunities to wow us with atmosphere, descriptive scenes, or memorable dialogue. Nearly all of those opportunities were squandered. For example, we begin the story in the nation of the oxen, and Spike takes some time to explore for an hour. This moment could have been an atmospheric and worldbuilding goldmine, a perfect opportunity to amaze potential readers into wanting to see more. Instead, the author blows it off with a mere 100 words, not a one of which is devoted giving us anything resembling a description. At this point we’re 340 words in and I’m wondering if every scene in the story is going to be like this.
The author only really tries on one occasion: when Spike arrives in Ponyville by train. We get a whole basic visuals of the town, and I can understand the author’s intent here (which I can’t say because spoilers). But if you’re going to devote that much attention to Ponyville, why not to the wedding? Or at least the final scene! These were pivotal moments, moments that could have been emotionally riveting, and instead they’re sort of… blown through.
I suppose this is okay for those readers who just want to get to the point and be done with it. Not all that enthralling, but it gets the job done. But me, I want to get into Spike’s head for things like this. It’s pretty hard to do with FamousLastWords’ writing style being so direct.
Again, the overarching idea and what actually happened? Every scene felt appropriate and good. They just lacked that extra effort necessary to make this story memorable.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Song of Thunder
34,006 Words
By Zodiacspear
Recommended by Pascoite
This story reimagines Lyra Heartstrings as a bumbling, clumsy, awkward mare who is extremely self-conscious. When a chance encounter with weather pegasus Thunderlane leads to romance, she unwittingly finds herself stepping into the territory of her friend Blossomforth.
This story is traditional romance, and that’s about it. Not to say there’s anything wrong with traditional romance, but if you’re interested in anything whatsoever beyond that then you might want to move on. In my case it catches my attention simply for being a ship I’d not seen before, and those are often worth investigating. This one goes through the typical motions: put girl and guy together, add some jealousy-induced drama, make them behave in exactly the right way to strain their relationship, have big confrontation, come to their senses, happily ever after. It’s not original, but it’ll work if you’re into that sort of thing.
So I’m okay with the plot, even if I’ve seen it done before. What strains the appreciation is the writing itself, which is full of what I like to call “amateur mistakes”. There’s repetitive word use all over the place. There are frequent spots where the author used one word, changed his mind, used a different one, then forgot to remove the original. There are punctuation errors, particularly with fragmented sentences. The author uses certain phrases or idioms that don’t mean what they clearly intended. That’s just the issues I can recall offhand. If you have a need for grammatical and literary accuracy in the stories you read, you won’t get past the first chapter.
And then there are weird turns of logic and emotion. Every event that happens mandates crying, such that by around halfway through the story tears no longer hold any emotional value. A character will declare he can’t be angry at someone one moment, and then in the very next paragraph declare that he is angry at them. A character makes a big promise that he has no control over – it requires all of Ponyville being in on the promise, which they aren’t. And then there’s the fact that everypony in town is guilty of frequently doing something wrong, are never held accountable for this, and even have the audacity to act offended by the villain as if they didn’t participate. Way to follow Harmony, Ponyville.
All in all, I’m sorry to say I am not all that impressed. Still, this is only my first story from this author. I aim to read a more recent one at the first available opportunity, and I’ll be looking for improvements. It may just be that I started on the wrong one.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Wild Fire
8,845 Words
By Horse Voice
Recommended by Titanium Dragon
I went into this one blind, and am I glad I did.
Beyond the borders of Equestria sits a small earth pony village. This village has no name, and it mostly survives by hunting whales that migrate past its coastline annually. It is so far removed from civilization that as far as its residents know there is no such thing beyond it. So when a massive vessel crashes on the beach bearing naught but a filly with wings, nopony knows what to think. And so the filly, known by the particularly cringeworthy name of Albatross, is raised in a village of ignorant earth ponies who see her as nothing but the source of every bad event that ever happened to the village since.
This was a powerful tale relating the origins of a somewhat popular background pony that I honestly know next to nothing about. Brimming with emotion, it is the painful tale of a child struggling to survive in a place that does and does not want her, and both for all the worst reasons. Thanks to the elders who manipulate her and to the villagers who hate her for being different, young Albatross is not familiar with the concept of affection.
I loved every moment of it. The culture of the village, the details of Albatross’s life, the desperate misery of a pony wronged, it all delivers an evocative song that makes her final transition to Wild Fire a rewarding, rich experience. If I had anything to complain about, it’s that I would have liked to have seen more details regarding the life of the village and Albatross as she grew up in this place. But that would have made for a much larger story, and I can understand Horse Voice’s desire to keep it simple.
A great story, and one I welcome gladly to my highest bookshelf.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Biblical Monsters — WHYRTY?
Tea for Two
10,747 Words
By Bluespectre
Sequel to Where the Sunflowers Grow
Set shortly after the first defeat of Nightmare Moon (and, if I’m reading between the lines properly, during the events of Where the Sunflowers Grow), Celestia finds herself at a campsight with her mate, Rush. The two are feeling frisky, but Celestia is anxious. She’s never been with a stallion before, and she dreads the possibility of Rush rejecting her after the fact.
As is so often the case, I left this with mixed feelings. There are a lot of problems: frequent LUS, consistently incorrect grammar, the occasional quirky formatting. Then there is, of course, the idea that Celestia is a virgin, something I have a very hard time believing considering her age in this story. On top of that, it’s entirely unclear exactly when this story takes place. There are some hints that it may take place during the events of the prior story, but not enough to be certain, and the description makes no attempt whatsoever to clarify things. A part of the setting is thus missing, and I can see some readers being thrown off by that.
The biggest bite in all of this comes from Celestia’s conversation with Luna. After we spent all that time being shown Nightmare Moon in the story Ice Fall in such a manner as to suggest she and Luna are one, suddenly we are told they never were? What? Maybe it’s just been too long since I read Ice Fall, but there’s something off and potentially self-conflicting about this.
But if you ignore all that (and I’ll acknowledge it’s not easy), the story ends up being a decent… coming of age tale? Maybe? Or perhaps simply “self discovery” fits the bill here. Regardless, the whole thing is an emotional look at Celestia’s relationship with Rush, culminating in the two of them “doing the deed” in graphic detail. I typically don’t think of such details as necessary, but I withhold my criticism in that regard. That entire event is the climax of the story (no pun intended), and is written in such a way as to make it clear how important the moment is. In other words, it’s not clop – there’s too much legitimacy involved.
So I approve of the story in a general sense. But there are far too many mistakes in plot and the writing to let me rate this highly. Which is a shame, as it’s not often I find a story with strong sexual elements that isn’t blatant fap material.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
When The Snow Melts — Pretty Good
Ice Fall — Worth It
Where the Sunflowers Grow — Worth It
Bards of the Badlands
27,904 Words
By Novel-Idea
Sequel to The Alchemy of Chemistry
And we return to Novel’s Wavelengths universe, in which Sunset Shimmer never lost her position as Celestia’s student. In this story, Sunset finds herself home alone when her only friend, Moondancer, has to leave Canterlot for a while and the Princess goes off on a (potentially violent) diplomatic mission. Bummed and still trying to get over her inner demons, she gets a surprise visit from Minuette, Twinkleshine, and Lemon Hearts, the former of whom is under direct orders from both Celestia and Moondancer to keep Sunset occupied all week long.
And that starts with an all-day binge of Ogres & Oubliettes.
This story at last puts Sunset together with her future companions, but it doesn’t happen easily. Lemon Hearts loathes Sunset with a passion, and it’s everything Sunset can do not to go back to her villainous ways and destroy the mare for her impertinence. The result is a fun, emotional story about two mares doing their absolute best to not find anything redeemable in the other.
Oh, and there’s the O&O game, which frequently makes itself known as a side-story that is fun and admittedly pretty interesting, even as it helps to demonstrate the views and feelings each player has for the others. Novel manages a nice little game of keeping the real world (so to speak) interesting with drama and the game world interesting with adventure. I entirely approve.
My only regret is that we don’t really get to know a lot about Twinkleshine. Her part felt… underdeveloped as she was overshadowed by Lemon Heart’s venom and Minuette’s determined joy. But I suppose I’m okay with this; there are enough stories in this franchise that Novel’s got plenty of time to flesh her out.
On the one hand, I don’t think this one is as good as The Alchemy of Chemistry. On the other, it stands on its own with its very different system of storytelling and the use of more fantasy elements than its predecessors. Not a bad entry at all. The only caveat is that it’s not something you can just jump into if you haven’t read the previous story.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Cloudsdale Report — WHYRTY?
Princess Celestia: A Brief History — Pretty Good
The Alchemy of Chemistry — Pretty Good
The Application of Unified Harmony Magics — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
A Canterlot Invasion by Twinkletail
Rise of the Dark Unicorn by Sky McFly
La Petite Mort by PegasusMesa
The Lotus Eaters by horizon
Old Memories, New Traditions by DrakeyC
Little Truths by EbonQuill
Nighthood by Casca
The Sun's Torment by TheAshenKnight
Home by adoptpetz
Bad Therapy by Rathbane
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So, I hate to be one to make excuses especially because I'm the one who chose to submit this story, but the reason the scenes are cut so short is that the story was for a contest with a 5k word limit and I had passed it already and I needed to cut back.
However, that does not take away from the criticisms you made and I'll definitely do more to paint details and add flavor to my writing in the future. Thank you very much for reading.
Twilight's Kingdom is the best episode in the show.
I'll fight anyone who says otherwise.
Oh man, I love Wild Fire. :D Probably the first Horse Voice fic I ever read, and one of the better gritty AUs.
Thanks for the review.
"Which makes me wonder if they didn’t just want to write spankings.:trixieshiftright."
I kind of...do. The whole thing about guilt and atonement and forgiveness after...I probably lingered quite a bit on those scenes. And Celestia used her hoof? Probably a regionalism, but I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea. What was wrong with the Luna chapter? (My personal favorite chapter.)
Last comment, I promise. Cadence must have lived in the Crystal Empire and been pushed through time. How else would the Crystal Ponies have recognized her? Or she bears a strong resemblance to one of her ancestors.
(I'm still mad we get so little information about Second Best Pink Pony)
Ouch, the nostalgia blinders were strong with me when I suggested that story. I re-read parts of it myself and quickly agreed that it was too rough for a recommendation. Still, I do remember liking it way way back in the day. It's one of the early stories that developed my Trixie habit that lingers to this day.
I think I know the answer to this one. The story originally debuted on DeviantArt, not on FanFiction.net. The story structure matches the small chapter limits DeviantArt places on the users. So when Pandora moved the story to FF, he probably grabbed chunks of it at a time to better compile things together. Unfortunately, he neglected to remove the chapter titles.
I read the first couple chapters of "Withdrawal," but I never came back to it. Seemed pretty good, though, and Raugos has written several good stories.
"I'm Lost Without You" was pretty good, but I never bought into the two actually being in love. Spike keeps thinking Rarity's going to be angry but never says why, he never says what significance the day holds, and there's never any evidence shown of their love. I can forgive the story some just for the quality of its writing, and I would recommend it to others, but it never quite builds the ship.
"Song of Thunder." Hm, I recommended that based on just the first 2 chapters seeming promising, but I never read past that. And yeah, there were numerous mechanical problems that kept turning up, and the author never cared to correct any of them when pointed out. This could have been a good story.
Side note about If Horses Had Gods: If the Pinkie Pie chapter didn't put a smile on your face I'll eat my hat.
If you didn’t know, Wild Fire is Sibsy’s OC. Sibsy is one of the show’s storyboarders who fell in love with and married Brony musician MandoPony.
Thank you for such a thoughtful critique! I've honestly been waiting for this one with abated breath, as my own feelings about this story are mixed these days. I wrote it in the same year as Biblical Monsters, when I was in an awful emotional state, and my mind wouldn't stop going to dark places. I don't think I could write something quite so bleak now.
It's something of a happy accident that Albatross is a cringe-worthy name, since it fits her just as poorly as the life she leads. But really, I was just thinking of "Rime of the Ancient Mariner." I'm still not sure if the reference works.
4887016
Thank you! But it couldn't have been the first story of mine you read, because I remember you said Wild Fire was "Beyond the Wall by way of Biblical Monsters". On that note, if I had read the former beforehand, I would probably have written Wild Fire differently, as the similarities, though coincidental, might look suspicious to a casual observer.
4886995
No, no, that's a legitimate reason. And I can certainly understand not wanting to expand upon a story after it's 'complete', even if that 'complete' is for a contest.
4887015
Now I think you're just trying to trigger me by saying things I am directly opposed to.
4887017
This may just be a personal perspective, but when I think of spankings I think of little kids behaving badly or adults behaving... erm... badly *wink wink, nudge nudge*. A full grown adult does not get a spanking when they do something wrong. They get punished in adult ways. Having Luna spanked by her sister as an adult struck me as ridiculous and goofy, and thus I couldn't take it seriously.
You've come to your own conclusion that Cadance went through time. Fair enough. But you can't assume anyone else will conclude that, especially since there is zero evidence of it in the show. So if you're going to reference your headcanon, consider doing so in a way that makes it clear it is headcanon. Or not - I've done the same thing myself once or twice, so I'm hardly in a position to lecture.
4887091
I do recall DA having such pointless limitations, although I don't recall them being that short. So glad I'm not posting my stories there anymore.
4887213
I concur with I'm Lost Without You. That an unstated part of my complaint about things not being fleshed out, particularly the important moments in their relationship.
4887220
Yes, Pinkie's chapter did indeed make me smile. Too bad, I was wondering how you'd find the taste.
4887267
No, I certainly did not know.
4887271
To my knowledge, "Albatross" is a seaman's term for someone who is bad luck or destined for failure. Thus it seemed an appropriate choice, but also unfortunate.
As one with a strange fondness for gritty and dark stories, I must say yours was exceptional. But I can certainly understand that feeling of never meeting or surpassing a work. I've had that about one of mine for a few years now: I will never best it.
4887271
Tells you something about how my memory works. :B
4887358
(If they'd just do an episode with Cadence's origin story already....grr.) I was basing Luna's chapter on the ancient Christian rite of penance. I can understand how it wouldn't appeal to everyone.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that pandering.
Though, Celestia's plan for dumping all that power into Twilight was kinda wonky. I don't recall any apparent follow-up to the initial phase of run and hide. 
Yeah, I got lucky with that. There were times when I felt like I'd written myself into a corner, but thankfully, subsequent ideas just sort of worked out in the end.
Thanks for the review!
Gotta thank you for recommending Nine Days Down, too. Looks like a fun one.
4887358
What story of yours is the one you will never surpass?
4887416
That would be Twilight's Inferno.
4887411
Oh, Nine Days Down is certainly awesome. Highly recommended.
And you're welcome!
I'm thrilled you had fun with Bards! I was really excited about the "parallel-story" concept and I'm glad it worked out for you to develop the characters of the cast both in game and out!
It's ironic that Twinkleshine felt underdeveloped, because she unlocked the story for me. She helped me figure out everypony else. What was really going on. But we'll see her again! You are quite right; there's plenty of time.
I will say that Sunset's trying (not well, but she's trying). However, you are bang on accurate for Lemon! :)
Thank you so much!!!
4887358
Now? There was a before?
I also just noticed your Nietzsche name-drop in one of the reviews. That's what I like to see.
4887015
I don't think I've ever been so excited to see such a deliciously dark episode as then. Shadow Play comes close.
4887852
No doubt. While Twilight's Kingdom is my favorite two-parter, Shadow Play and A Canterlot Wedding are a close second.