TAS chapter revamps for Parts 38 and 39 posted... · 3:41pm Jul 10th, 2018
Though perhaps not in their final form as I'm still waiting for a preread from Silentwoodfire and Denim_Blue. They'll get to it later, but Part 38, you may recall, was the first all-new bonus chapter I wrote back in the day, and it remains one of my favorites for showing what happened the second morning before trial. I didn't think it needed much updating except to correct my violet unicorn syndrome (seriously, all my usages of it are painful to read now!) and also to tone down Phoenix's charm towards Rarity a bit towards the end, since that was at least a minor point of complaint in the comments.
Part 39 underwent more major changes in that I once again took a weed whacker to the shipping in the chapter, most of which was completely overdone and unnecessary, jarring to look at and read. Seriously, I really had no sense of proportion back then and just stuffed it in whenever and wherever I could. I guess it's a mark of my progress as a writer that I can look back on my stuff written four or five years ago and see all the issues I couldn't then, but I still find it cringeworthy at times. Here's the updated opening part that was the worst offender:
It was well past time for court to convene, and Phoenix and Twilight were getting anxious.
The trial should have resumed twenty minutes ago… Twilight noted, reading the clock over an adjacent wall from where she was lounging on one of the low sofas in the defendant waiting area. Why the wait? she wondered, glancing at Phoenix sitting on the other end of the couch.
Phoenix himself was wondering the same as he stared down at his feet over crossed arms, thinking it was not like The Judge to allow such a late start to a scheduled session. Knowing him, he was probably was out late sightseeing or something… he decided, suppressing a grin at the image of The Judge loaded down with tacky souvenirs and wearing an ill-fitting top beneath his robe that read ‘I visited Equestria and all I got was this lousy t-shirt’.
There’s nothing tacky about this place, though… he admonished himself, having experienced firsthand much of what Ponyville had to offer earlier that morning. He even wished he could bring Maya to visit someday, but… if there’s no TV or hamburgers, she might not be happy here…
As the wait dragged on without explanation, their nerves began to grow again and the pair found themselves starting to brood, lost in their own thoughts and worries. Several times, Phoenix found his gaze drifting past the two pegasi security guards to the picture of the odd dark mare on the back wall, his brow furrowing as he studied it.
I swear I’ve seen her before… he couldn’t help but think, but the memory was elusive and he couldn’t pin it down. At other points, he found his eyes falling on Twilight’s sprawled-out form beside him. He found it a little disconcerting to see her laid out on the sofa in an animal-like manner, fighting off a strangely compelling need to know if her cutie mark felt the same as the rest of her fur.
He shook his head at that, imagining how she might take putting a hand on her hip to find out. She could break your fingers with a thought, Phoenix… he reminded himself, though deep down, he didn’t believe she would ever hurt him. Hell, if she didn’t even after what happened with Fluttershy yesterday… he shuddered at the memory of her glowing red eyes.
For her part, Twilight found her thoughts oscillating between worry over the trial to anxiety about what would come after, finding herself glancing at Phoenix repeatedly. She was still a bit jealous over his treatment of Rarity but decided she couldn’t really begrudge it—she certainly earned it, Twilight reluctantly acknowledged, uncertain if Phoenix even understood the significance of a kiss to the hoof or knew just how many of Rarity’s buttons (or her own!) he’d pushed with his display.
Are all human males such… gentlemen? Or is that even the right word? she couldn’t help but wonder, glancing at him again only to find that this time, he was staring back.
I think that's much more appropriate to this point in the story. Thanks (thus far) to AJ_Aficionado for the preread and minor edits, and more will doubtless be coming from Silentwoodfire and Denim Blue in due course. I'm moving right along with the chapter revamps, and more will follow in due course.
