How to write a Clopfic. (A bit NSFW, natch). · 3:24am Jul 31st, 2018
"Oh Tumbleweed!" you cry.
(But not in that way you pervos).
"Seeing as of how you are BEST AT PONIES, tell us how to write sexy clopfic stories so that we can inflict our alarmingly specific fetishes upon the featured box! Surely you know how to do this on account of your secret side-account that's like nothing but LyraBon smut or something."
WELL LET ME TELL YOU.
(Even though I don't want to).
Step 1: Drink drinks. SEXY drinks. Which is, like ... red wine, I guess? Or maybe some kind of Imperial Stout. 14 percent Alcohol by volume is sexy, right? They both go good with chocolate, is what I'm saying.
Step 2: Watch this (obviously NSFW, but not in the way you're thinking, you pervo).
Twilight is the one doing the sexy science.
Pinkie made a pie.
Step 3: So, uh, pretend that writing porny porns about a children's magical horse cartoon isn't weird, I guess? At least try to make it tasteful. And consensual. Because if you're gonna write about butt-touching, it should be mature, sex-positive butt-touching done between consenting adults. And stuff. Basically try not to get thrown in jail, is what I'm saying.
Or, y'know, you could just tastefully fade to black instead.
But then you probably wouldn't make it into the featured box.
THAT'S HOW INTERNET WORKS.
I have Mature stories turned off for a reason dammit. Why would you go and make me question my dedication to this by making me curious about what actually lies behind the link for This is a Clopfic? Why? That can't possibly end well!
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To be honest, that's a good call.
But if there's ever an exception to be made, it's for me. Because I'm that rad.
</shameless plug>
THIS IS GOOD ADVICE
1) I WILL FOLLOW STEPS
2)I AM PROBABLY FUCKING RIGHT NOW
3)THE FEATURE BOX WILL HINCEFORTH BE MY BITCH(BUT NOT IN THAT WAY)
I've tried to write pony smut. I can't do it. Something in my brain short-circuits when it's time to get to the not-fade-tastefully-to-black part.
(It's not the non-human characters, or that it's for a children's TV series. It's ponies, specifically, that thwart me for some reason.)
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You get used to it. Trust me. Try not thinking of the Pones as...well, pones, but instead as humans that just happen to look like pones. And go take a peek around porn art sites for stuff relating to quadrupeds, just to get a feel for how they should look when describing the scene.
So, just as a curiosity, if you did have a second account that was dedicated to Lyra-BonBon smut what would the name of the account, that you surely don't actually have, be?
Shows what you know.
Oh Tumbleweed!
I cry.
(Of course not in that way, duh)
But only because you encourage others to write horrifying smut.
People say that karma is a bitch, that chaos is fun but creativity is definitely the weirdest one of the bunch.