I'm Okay · 12:01am Sep 18th, 2018
Sorry for the scare. I've been dealing with severe depression and something exacerbated it, and I overreacted a little. I went through another ketamine treatment today and I'm feeling a bit better.
But something else perhaps equally important happened. I just saw the kirin episode.
The story really spoke to me. Now, my problem isn't anger, it's depression... but I do have a habit of burning my bridges, primarily by running permanently away from somewhere whenever I feel like I've made a social misstep. I've done this many times online, leaving community after community when I feel I don't deserve to be there anymore.
It might help to understand my upbringing. My parents moved from place to place, so I was in a new school almost every year. I also had terrible social skills. I ended up learning two things from the experiences in my youth:
There's something wrong with me I cannot fix.
The solution to a hard problem is moving away forever.
I know for certain that these statements are both false, but the difference between knowing and feeling is legion (at least in my brain).
Anyway, I realize the right thing to do is to stay here and deal. I'll put my homepage back up soon. I should probably go back to the Writeoffs as well, but I don't know if I can do that. I guess I'll find out this weekend. I'm definitely staying off the Writeoff server and probably off Discord altogether for a while.
That's all for now. 
Happy to see you again, now the feeling of burning bridges out of despair like that, and always regretted it.
You are always welcome here, Trick. If you move, we'll just go with you so you may as well stay.
Because we care about you and love you. You take care of you. And if you need us, we are here!
*hugs*
Glad to see you back!
Glad to hear you're feeling somewhat better. Thanks for letting us know.
If nothing else, we can still give you virtual hugs and moral support.
Glad you're still with us.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
That's very good to hear
On nitpicky notice: it's 10 "sorry"-s more than were completely necessary
I hope things improve. I was worried when I saw the homepage down.
So long as you're okay, that's what matters.
Take your time, we all need a break every once in a while. Whenever you get back to us, be sure to say so and we will eagerly welcome you back.
Besides, run as you might, but we will find you. Then proceed to hug you until you're better. Because hugs make everything better.
You are human. I am human. We both fuck up.
No need to for shame.
*hug*
I appear to have missed the scare, but I'm glad you're doing better than that now.
*Hugs*
Some people are the type that just aren't meant to be as socially normal as society wants/forces them to. No fault of their own, as long as they can find something that can make them whole and happy, and feel like they're not alone. We're all here for you.
Having up and downs is a part of what lets us know we are alive
Every misstep is a chance to grow, and every emotion is a chance to learn more about what's important to you. There's a lot to learn, and not just from the things that make you happy.
You scared the crap out of me, but I'm just relieved you're still around.
I thought you made a good addition to the Optimalverse server.
Glad to see it was not a permanent problem.
At the risk of coming across as trite (or whatever the word is), there are ways around that. If you're so inclined, try making a habit of visualising things daily: holding a yellow ball, focusing on its weight, doing the 'ice glove' exercise, recalling tastes on command...
It's from magic and New Age practice, but you don't need to adopt the whole background for it to help. What it ends up doing is instilling the feeling that you have control over how you feel and how you think. It's hard to explain, it's like a mind-click. It worked for some body image issues I had, still a good fallback when things get too much. I dunno. Do what you think will help, whether that's taking it easy or going full throttle on what you enjoy or doing something new.
A relatable problem. Good to have you back!
Glad to see your okay.
Didnt actually watch the episode yet, but omg what a cutie. :3
You don't have to should probably do anything. You do what you're comfortable doing. It is rather difficult at times feeling that you have to participate/be involved in things...well I know that too, but eventually it comes down to your comfort level, and just what you can do versus what you cannot, or are not willing to.
I know more than enough to avoid stating something as fact when I can't wheel out factual or empirical evidence that it is, but I will state a personal belief that I have tested repeatedly and have yet been unable to find fault with:
Maybe depression is anger. Well, rage, more specifically, but the difference is not important.
You see, there are more or less two major responses to life events: anger and sadness. Anger is for refusing things we don't want and sadness is for adapting to things we can't change. Beneath every depressive person I've gotten to know is a deep well of anger about how they have been treated that is expressed as sadness because anger would have made things worse. The biggest problem that comes out of that is when appropriate anger is not expressed not because others simply do not want to accept its validity. Anger gets pushed down to avoid additional backlash, leading to a saturating sadness – a loss of self.
Every person I've spent time with, rooting out the cause of their depression, has had a great deal to be justifiably angry about that not only have they not been able to express but in many cases, could not even see was justified. Showing people how they were trivialised, ignored, disrespected, or abused (frequently in ways that had been invisible to them before) is often a powerful way of getting them back on a healthy path.
When I meet sad people who say they aren't angry, I usually always start looking for the anger they hide immediately. I have rarely failed to find it, but then I'm just some shmo on the internet.
Anyway, just my two pence.
Glad to have you back!
I didn't even know something was wrong.
I thought that blank blog was a bit odd.
I continue to be surprised at how often the simple, preachy messages of a show aimed at pre-teens turn out to be something grown-ups still needs to hear.
I was without internet Sept 7-17, so I missed whatever went down here.
FWIW, Trix, I think that you're in the more mature and mentally-balanced half of the brony fandom.
4939464 I noticed recently that the climaxes to 3 of my stories are hugs.
I'm not around all the time anymore, so I miss a lot. I'm glad you're okay. FWIW, you seem, to me at least, to be one of the more thoughtful, better-adjusted people I know. I know that's really not worth a lot - one of Findra's other boyfriends once told me how emotionally stable he perceived me to be, so what people are seeing from the outside isn't always what's there. He believed that about me, though, and with him, at least, I could take credit for that, and kind of grow into it, to some extent. Most people that I know think highly of you, and while that doesn't fix what you perceive to be wrong, it should give you some assurance that you're skilled in showing the outward behaviours that people respond to. You know what you want to be, even if you're not yet there. You've got enough goodwill that people will give you room to work with, as well. You're not the sort of marginal personality with which people lose patience as being not worth their time.