A summary and a gate to the critique of Fallout: Equestria · 12:01pm Oct 12th, 2018
As the title of this article indicates, I will try to summarize here the main arguments of the long review of Fallout: Equestria that I wrote and that you will find in a link in this article. This summary is not meant to elaborate in detail on the different aspects mentioned in the critique but simply to provide an overview so that people who do not have the time to read the critique in its entirety can have access to my thoughts.
So let's start.
I argue that Fallout: Equestria is an extremely mediocre work and that this mediocrity can be seen at every conceivable level of a fiction: characters, construction of the universe, scenarios, action scenes, narration, rhythm of history, etc. Beyond any personal feeling, this fiction is simply not well put together and its amateur character is all the more visible since it can explain many errors and debatable choices throughout its creation.
Fallout: Equestria is a fiction for which one of the problematic roots can be identified as its main character, LittlePip. Beyond the role of this character from a point of view of action and narration, I argue that the entire fiction suffers from an obvious desire of the author to build the story and the universe of Fallout: Equestria with, as the main focus, its protagonist. So, whether it's laziness in the adaptation of firearms or the acquisition of some strangely unique abilities such as lockpicking, everything in the story revolves around the little unicorn of the Equestrian Wasteland.
This is a major problem because this tunnel-vision in the creation of a universe make it so that the main character is unduly favored and it creates more problems than anything else and comes to help make the universe artificial and unstable. LittlePip is not a part of Fallout: Equestria, she is a character created in such a way that the universe is at her service on multiple levels. The world revolves around her.
However, if LittlePip is a major problem in more way than one in the construction of the universe, it is also important to mention that the author's absolute lack of clarity when dealing with the internal mechanics of her universe (like magic, for example) also makes it difficult to immerse in it because it will not be uncommon to see rules, previously firmly established, change completely with little or no explanation and often to save the lives of the protagonists, which makes the story look fake because the world bends at the discretion of the narrative, its rules varying to the advantage of the protagonists to create drama without going to the expected consequences (Example: a weapon that systematically disintegrates simply stops doing it when it touches a hero.)
In a second time, I advance that Fallout: Equestria, beyond having weak bases and an author having obviously no scruple to twist the reality of her universe to create drama inexpensively, also have some incoherent lore and neither the characters involved nor the events we are made to witness or hear about have a minimum of logic or even internal consistency.
Indeed, whether it is the war that led to the creation of the post-apocalyptic world through the Ministries, so essential to the story, or the Littlehorn incident, nothing makes sense. The characters involved, in turn, proving an immeasurable stupidity or simply not acting consistently with what is known of them. The very origins of the world in which the main characters evolve are completely devoid of meaning and interest, which I claim to be an extreme weakness for a fiction where the discovery of the past of the Wastelands is one of the central elements that have made its success. This nonsensical and completely ridiculous lore is another element that makes this fiction something difficult to make sense of.
Contributing to the improbable aspect of this universe, the various factions that compose it are at the same level of lack of internal consistency and / or stupidity, ranging from insignificant factions with poor development to factions being incredibly Manichean in their presentation. This does not help the fiction to become something more subtle and nuanced in its stakes. Moreover, the factions of FO: E suffer, in my opinion, from a crippling lack of exploitation making that they ultimately have only a role-function. Some factions like the Enclave or the Steel Rangers would have deserved a much deeper and nuanced treatment than what we finally had: not much for the first and a Manichean disappointment for the other.
Finally, all the credibility of the Wastelands is again questioned by these factions since the post-apocalyptic world does not seem so devoid of resources, which is however a sine qua none condition of stories like FO: E.
However, beyond all that I have been able to say so far about the basics of the universe, it is the main characters (protagonists and antagonists) and the scenario (or lack thereof) which are the most damning problems of this fiction with, again, LittlePip as a poster child of those issues.
This character is a Mary Sue at every level that the definition implies. It is a character who by her existence and her actions creates a strong and disturbing imbalance in the story. Thus, it is a character having no internal coherence (from the poor little fragile flower that would not have killed to save her life from Chapter 2 to the serial killer killing in cold blood even bandits who flee in Chapter 3), having many undue advantages over her environment (Pip gets rid of half a dozen bandits during her first real solitary adventure, she is the only one to possess the lockpicking skill in the entirety of the Equestrian Wasteland, she finds a legendary revolver as soon as chapter 4, she resists magical energy weapons, etc.), she completely dominates all the opponents she meets (alicorns, dragons, Hellhounds, bandits, Talon mercenaries, etc), she is never punished for her reckless actions (watching a recording in the middle of an area occupied by a crazy ghoul doctor, for example), the few weaknesses she has aren’t really ones (LittlePip knows only telekinesis but it also becomes the most powerful and useful spell out of all of the fiction, etc.), she distorts the logic of the universe at will (weapons disintegrating systematically have no effect on her or only make a targeted part of the body disappear whereas before it was the entirety of the body ; the effects of the Pink Cloud are reduced to a minor inconvenience when they should be lethal or the fact that she gains the capacity to be healed by radiation after failing to be raped by a mutant.), she survives impossible situations (she survives a balefire explosion at close range, resists the throes of the Pink Cloud, destroys half of the base of the main antagonist with a broken leg, a few broken ribs and a perforated lung, etc.) and constrains the entirety of the fiction to her Manichean morality separating the people in very well delimited boxes: Kind saviors or allies, Vile demon persecutors, Poor victims in danger.
This unpleasant character, in addition to being insupportably out of step with the ruthless universe in which she is supposed to evolve in, is surrounded by characters ranging from anecdotal and forgettable characters to unbearable characters closer to the blob than anything coherent. The only exception to this rule is perhaps Steelhooves who is the only one to have a narrative arc and a reason to follow Pip.
In terms of scenario, the fiction suffers from not having one and looks, for a long time, like a small series of adventures without connection between them in the Wastelands. It will only be much later that a semblance of purpose will form and give a reason to follow the adventures of LittlePip and company other than doing Equestrian archeology.
In addition, the first-person narrative suffers from a flagrant lack of control that severely limits the construction of the narrative, forcing Pip to witness scenes that have nothing to do with her. Apart from a narrative trait of brilliance for the plan to assassinate the Goddess, some of the fiction also suffers from this format because the final chapters suddenly change the idea that it is a story in the first person by offering scenes which Pip did not witness.
Finally, on a personal level, the fiction shows a quite pronounced bad taste for all that touches the character of Pip who can be defined blithely as a lesbian in heat seeking to bang all the females that comes into her vicinity, which will give rise to a parody of romance where the most recurrent aspect remains to know that Pip climaxes like a fountain and 31 times in a row.
In conclusion, this fiction suffers from an amateur mastery of the mechanics of a fiction but also from a lack of reflection on the different constituent aspects of the universe in which the action takes place. FO: E is a work of distressing mediocrity that has few scenes that can be described as truly good.
This concludes my summary of the Fallout review: Equestria. The full review can be found by following this link.
Due to the size of the document, I can also provide a pdf version.
Just wanted to thank you for the effort made to produce this. I think you're pretty well on the mark -- it's been so long since I read FoE, I don't remember a lot of the details, to say nothing of the level of detail I myself was analyzing it under -- and now I find myself wondering how you would deal with Project Horizons. <.< It's got a lot more nuance in its factions, for one... but Blackjack's just kind of Littlepip, bigger, longer and uncut, as they say. :B
4952675
Honestly, I don't feel like reading Project Horizons for this very reason. As I stated at the start of my critique, I only read Fallout: Equestria out of curiosity but the world itself is so utterly... incompetently put together that I feel reading a side story of three times the size would only be a chore, regardless of the actual quality of the fiction. A lot of people seems to say that Project Horizons is essentially what FO: E should have been but I have a hard time imagining how a fanfiction of FO: E would be able to compensate for the utter mess that it currently is.
The foundations of FO: E aren't well done and what I heard from many a friend is that the side fictions tries to essentially make sense of the nonsensical lore and story by retconning things that are clearly stated in the source material. For example, I heard that Project Horizons tried to justify the Zebras attacking Equestria because their culture was very war-like and Celestia by disrespecting the leader forced his hoof in making an example of Equestria. However, the story of FO: E itself never talks about such a culture and the whole embargo on coal isn't what I'd call a "warrior-like" response. In any case, unless there's a huge demand for it, I don't think I'll do it, haha.
Thanks for the compliment :)
4952700
I really can't recommend PH, especially if you didn't enjoy FoE. It suffers badly from the author being heavily invested in 'rape as redemption' and an ever-escalating parade of bad shit happening to the main character solely to gain audience sympathy and distract from her own ethical failings.
4954852
Would it be possible for you to tell me a bit more about it ? I'm quite curious to have a discussion about Project Horizons because everyone but a few people sold it to me as "FO:E done right". Besides, I'm completely in awe of the author writing three times the amoung of FO:E if this fiction is really as bad as you seem to depict it.
4954905
I think I can explain it via a quick character sketch of the main character.
Blackjack is a security mare who grew up in a Stable as the daughter of the head of security. She's a drunk and by her own admission 'not a smart pony'. This particular Stable has hereditary jobs, and treats males as non-people who are basically kept as livestock for breeding. She has anxiety because she feels she can't live up to her mother and is a loner because ponies don't want to be too close to the next head of security.
Eventually the Overseer sold out the Stable to some raiders, and the remaining males joined up because anything was better than the life they had, so Blackjack rolls out into the wasteland. Cue the bad shit congo that involves getting mutated, repeatedly almost killed, having to murder ~40 insane pre-war foals who'd been in stasis, saving a town full of slaves only to have them all killed by the guy who was working with her to save them, being crippled by the same guy, multiple suicide attempts, being nailed to a box and effectively raped to death which she spins into a better understanding of why her Stable was wrong, eventually losing most of her body to mutation and having it replaced by cyborg parts, then being turned into a cyber-alicorn, effectively merged with Luna by Discord, and eventually being thrown back into an effectively immortal clone of her original body due to necromancy after Luna dies.
This is not a full summary. To quote the mare herself, as of Chapter 19 of 78:
"Hun, I recently escaped from a rape factory. An emotionally scarred buck who half-wants to kill me is my best friend. We've got a pegasus with us who was booted from the Enclave but still thinks of herself as one of them, and we've got a Reaper who survived getting her head cut off and who may or may not be a psychopath. I've faced monsters, been really annoyed by two hundred year old mysteries, and shot at. A lot."
Basically, PH is FoE only even more pointlessly grimdark and dramatic than even KKat's level of barely pulp-worthy hack writing could manage, with a side of really, really nasty views on sexuality.
4955103
What I found amusing from your description is that, from the get go, it doesn't sound like a bad thing. Blackjack comes from a fucked up Stable and is alone because of her birth ? Well it doesn't sound half bad. It keeps with the idea that Stables are quite the idiotic creations (even though I'd like to know when did the Creators of the Stables, the CMC, decided that raping men like livestock would create a better future.)
Also the list of sufferings you made could possibly be described "Look at how much shit she had to deal with ! She's a survivor." and I couldn't fault them for that. However, where I am utterly lost is the moment you involved "becoming a cyber-alicorn" by merging with Luna because of Discord. There I draw the line : How the fuck is Discord alive in this fiction ? Also... how is Luna alive ? Wasn't her bones the armor of Night Seer in Canterlot ? Did the author make so that the thrown out line about Discord being possibly alive but quite weak was actually the real thing ?
TheApexSovereign, one of the reviewer I personally offered the critique to, was put off by the torture porn that was FO: E and from the sound of it, it's the same thing for PH times 10. I am normally not against making one character suffer through a story, take a look at Gladiator (one of my favorite movie because I'm unoriginal like that) : Maximus loses his rank, his emperor and his family, is betrayed by the ones he thought were his friends and during the course of his revenge, he is cut, bitten, stabbed, another friend of his is killed. At the end of it all, he is alone with his vengeance. So suffering to create empathy is not something I'm against at all.
However, from your description, I get the impression that this is used as a crutch to force sympathy and I have to ask : what does she do in the story to warrant sympathy aside from existing ? I know that for some people, seeing a character suffer is enough to generate it but for me I would need a bit more context about why I should be enjoying following the story of a poor mare being maimed and raped at every turn.
Hell, I'm not even against the idea that her getting raped makes her realize the horror of her Stable and I'm pretty sure not reading the scene is why I'm questioning if it's justified.
If you don't mind me asking that last question : What's the goal of PH ? As in, what's the end objective ? Why is there 1M7K words to read through ? Where does the journey ends and why ?
No idea. I gave up on it well before it got there because it got to the point where it was like watching a Hostel movie: horrible, cringeworthy, hard to watch things constantly happening to a character to the extent that it feels like the author must be getting off on it.
One of the few stories with which I've ever faced a moment where I had to concede that noone was making me read it, and I didn't have to keep doing so.
4955255
I can totally understand it. 1M7K is a damn long commitment and there's no need to force yourself to read it if you don't enjoy it or are curious to see how it might develop. Thanks for sharing your opinion on the work, it does give me a bit more context about the final piece but I really don't think I'll try reading it. I deeply disliked FO: E and from the sound of it, PH sounds like more of the same.
I know some FO: E's stories are far less problematic, like Pink eyes, I believe but PH doesn't seem a good investment of time neither as a reviewer or a casual reader. I would do a disservice to the piece if I tried to force myself to like it when the very basis of it (being a fanfiction of FO: E) is something I have a hard time accepting.
Just a question : is it true that PH's story exists at the same time of FO: E's story ? Like, Pip and Blackjack roams the wasteland in the same time period ?
Yeah. IIRC they meet at one point, because of course they do.
4955265
I see. Well, it's a fan dream I suppose.
Re: PH--suffice to say I wouldn't recommend it if you didn't like FoE, but I think that Whiteout gave a jaundiced view.
Regarding your specific concerns, both Discord and Luna are explained and wrapped up in background that's incorporated into the story's present, with both having been effectively dead prior to it.
As for what Blackjack does to elicit sympathy, I'd start with a quote that informs her whole character arc:
4955705
Is Watcher still Spike in that quote because if so, I do find this incredibly funny for how much hypocritical that all is since we're talking about the dragon that actually didn't do jack shit for 200 years and was upstaged by LittlePip who found 4/6 elements of Harmony in under a month.
However, I do believe you that both Luna and Discord are explained in the story. My more concerning question is : Is the explanation coherent and believable ?
4955768
Yes, it's still Spike. However, it's working within the framework of Spike as established in FoE, with his downsides (notably the hypocrisy which IIRC was also kinda present in his interactions with Littlepip) and the mitigating constraints he faced, so there's some scope for giving a pass there. It's also part of a minor plot thread which develops his motivations to build up to him accepting the risks of being more active.
As to the new question: I believe so, but it could be a matter of taste. Discord was imprisoned in a different manner after the chaos of the war weakened the statue effect, and was ultimately released--though diminished by that point--in the course of PH. Luna was dead, but her soul (note that huge portions of PH are built around how souls work) was trapped by a powerful and malevolent spirit; it was her soul that was ultimately merged with Blackjack through necromancy.
4955773
I don't consider Watcher/Spike a good character of Fallout: Equestria and LittlePip being the moral judge of Spike is something that I only slightly touched on in the review. Spike has been unfortunately made into an incompetent and a literally static character. So the preaching aspect of Spike is all the more jarring for me.
As for Luna and Discord... I am not thrilled by what I just saw. I can accept Discord's part but Luna's definitely sounds like the kind of idea that would immediately makes me cringe. Ressurecting a character that was previously shown as deader than dead just so it can make the character more special by association is something I would advise any author to not do. It feels incredibly forced.
4955784
For Spike, I basically agree, but that's the character you have to work with if you're making a recursive fanfic. It may be morally jarring for a reader who knows the situation, but I think is consistent with him as originally presented--and the point he was making is one that works fine even if he wasn't necessarily applying the principle in his own actions (itself something of a gray area because there were plausibly immense costs to greater activity on his part); hypocrites can still give good advice and serve as valuable development points for other characters. As for him being static, sure that's true from ~S1 to FoE (PH), but not over the course of that story.
For the latter, as I said, matter of taste. Do bear in mind of course that the "forcing" in that case is done gradually over the course of some 30+ chapters, or something like 600-800k words.
4955791
Hypocrites can give good advices certainly but then again, I'm curious why Watcher would be the one to give that lesson. I'm sure there is someone with a far better story than Spike for this. The advice you give is as important as the messenger since I'll assume Watcher doesn't just make a cameo in the story. Unless you're telling me that Spike is a whole other character in PH that is basically a separate entity from the sad joke of one that was Spike in FO: E.
As for the matter of taste, of course. However, my forcing didn't imply any "sudden" aspect to it. You could try to justify over 9M words and I would still think that this is something that would barely be needed. What PH seems to do with FO: E's story is something I call the Diablo 3 effect.
In Diablo 2, you must obliterate three Primordial demons by killing their physical forms and destroying the Soul Gems in which their soul are trapped, effectively eradicating them. In Diablo 3, the game introduce a "black Soul Gem" that basically says "You actually didn't kill them, their soul were absorbed in this one when they died" (which is proven false since you see one of the demon's soul go into the Soul Gem you later destroy.)
Here, FO: E says that Luna is effectively dead, her bones an armor for a one-note villain and PH says "actually her soul is trapped by this über evil spirit." I don't like it because it needs to essentially short-circuit what exists to make sense. Of course, I'm sure the matter of the soul is expanded upon and the spirit is developped but the very basis of this idea is an issue for me and the merging of souls is something I'm not sure I understand.
Perhaps I'll read PH to have the full context and see if it is as bad as I think it is but from how it is presented, it doesn't seem like something that could be pleasant even if well done.
4955791
I admit that you made me curious to check PH out if only to have full context of the subject matter as it is always hard to discuss when having asymmetrical informations.
Thanks for your comment and clarifications.
4956086
All right. If you do go for it, the advice is usually that it's about chapter 6 ("Play") that it starts feeling more like its own thing than an FoE clone, though chapter 1 (and a bit of 2) was substantially rewritten after book 1 was finished and generally plays differently than the original's setup (beyond of course the obvious "inciting incident gets protagonist out of her Stable," which is kind of baked in if that's your class of protagonist). So while "it gets better" is something always worth taking with a grain of salt and often a large ask, if the first chapter seems promising then it may be worth trying to weather it for a bit. And of course, chapters 16, 33, and 62.2 are the best departure points if you enjoy it for a while but stop feeling it and are reasonably close. Otherwise, I'd guess you can pretty easily identify where arcs end if you don't want to leave in the middle of one.
If you have questions or want to talk, I'm fairly active in the comments, and there are some other regulars who will pipe up from time to time to respond.
4956103
If I am to read the whole of Project Horizons, it is very possible that I'll write some chronicles or blogposts to allow for a discussion to actually be saved somewhere. Call me monomaniac but I like to keep a log of discussions because it helps me analyze things. Also, I do appreciate your approach regarding this, you're calm and quite helpful.
I'll definitely ask question if I ever feel the need to ask.
I've been reading through your critique of Fallout : Equestria and have greatly enjoyed it. An amazing objective review of a fiction that is so often muddled by the readers 'feelings' on events. Feelings are important, make no mistake, but they do blind people to the stupidity of certain moments of the story.
I have been using your critique to look over my own writing as to not fall into the pitfalls Fo:E suffers from.
I'm looking forward to reading your slog through PH. It really is a marmite fic, I have friends who love it, and others who loathe it. Myself, I found it at times periodically entertaining, but in others a horrible trudge through tedious action and misery. From what I've heard, I'm glad I stopped reading before the story got even more extreme.
I look forward to reading your feelings as you go through each chapter
4958843
Thanks a lot, it's an honor to hear that you consider my critique so highly. Please never hesitate to ask if you have a question regarding your writing, I thrive on discussing with people. :)
As for PH, well, you'll have fun, I'll post two blogposts for chapter 5 & 6 tonight and I'll make sure to make it worth reading. I try to not make it dull but if I ever am unclear, please ask for more precisions.
See you on the path to crawling through PH !
4958873
I'd love to hear your opinion of it!
I'm nearing the end of writing the first fic in what I hope will be a series, Once it's finished I'll send you a copy if you'd like
This is a review that is only as blunt as its author believes the critiqued story deserves. Even stripped as a summary of closer examination of specific examples of the listed faults, this review sets forward their severity and consequences on the narrative. Perhaps its greatest feat is elucidating how the oft praised lore of the setting is more convoluted than complex.
This blogpost is ancient, yet it contains review to a fanfic I had trouble digesting for a VERY long time.
I actually rad FO:E many years back (but not in time of its peak popularity) and could never finish it. My attempt stopped literally 5 chapters before end, because the amount of convoluted things was simply too high for me... and I read through great number of fanfiction till that point and after.
Main character of the story was great issue for me. From her being ruthless killer that did the unthinkable without remorse and hesitation, to omitting suffering and death of others because they were GenericEnemy#2612 that had no story, personality or importance in the world, but were mere obstacle in her journey.
My breaking point actually was during battle against Enclave where one of Gewd's hatchlings died. That is also where we meet a character from Calmanity's past (Enclave officer) who was spared in the carnage and who had no problem that his friends from unit were all killed.
Anyways, great review, a bit harsh considering it was written by amateur, but considering its popularity now and that it sells as audiobook and hard cover... well justified.