About Friendship and Love and something in between · 1:29am Apr 29th, 2019
This blog entry is something very personal. If you aren't interested in that, you know where to not read.
I am merely writing this entry, because I need to unload this somewhere. Today, my friend and I broke up with each other. No, more precisely, she broke up with me. Even more precisely than that, our friendship just crumbled away until she didn't have the strength to endure it all anymore.
I won't tell you who my friend is and, if you happen to know who she is or can somehow guess who she is, ask you to not mention her name in the comments or place any hints for who she is or make any guesses there (well, unless you want me to remove your comment, then you can go on and do that), because I don't want that she gets pestered by someone. This is a public blog entry that anyone can read and I don't want that someone who reads this and thinks of her as the wrongdoer gives her a hard time. She doesn't deserve this and carries enough baggage with her.
The relationship I had with her was, to put it into one word, lovely. And unique. We weren't exactly lovers or a couple, yet it was more than just friendship. Early on after we met, we discovered that we have everything in common. And I mean everything. We thought the same way about literally everything. We had the same world views. We liked the same things. We had the same tastes. We had the same interests. Even a similar past, similar demons to haunt us.
You wouldn't believe it until it happens to you. We were the same, completely and 100%. So much, that we said that destiny has meant for us to be together, that it wasn't a coincidence that we met. We were so much more than friends. We were true soulmates.
So, what happened? How could we break away from each other, if everything was so lovely and perfect?
Explaining this is a very long story, but I will keep it short, because it pains a lot to talk about the things that transpired for us.
When I met her in September 2016, I was at a point where I didn't accept any friends, period. She sought contact to me, because she saw that I am interested in background ponies just like her. She asked if I could work together with her on something. And I said yes.
I wasn't seeing her as a friend there. I wouldn't have wanted her as a friend there, because during my entire life before I met her, all so-called "friends" I ever had were either careless or just pricks who abused me to give them attention and then dropped me when they didn't need me anymore.
About a year before I met her, I finally had enough and just said that friendship is nothing for me and that I will accept only loose relationship with other people anymore, but not letting anyone near me enough to call them "a friend".
And it was the same with her, at first. I did not see her as a friend, did not want her as a friend. I said I can work together with her, but that we will just be partners and nothing more.
That changed a few months later. In December, only a few days before Hearth's Warming Eve, a circumstance, related to something financial, arose that would have meant we can't be in contact anymore. Namely, that her only computer broke. Already prior to that event, I realized that I, for some reason, really like her. And was kind of glad that she was here. When that computer broke and she came online and told me that she can't contact me anymore, the floodgates of feelings suddenly opened. I suddenly felt that I don't want her to disappear from my life. So what I did was that I checked my savings and actually bought her a new computer for 200$.
From that moment on, we grew together tight. I told her what she means to me and that I don't want to lose her and that this why I am going to buy her a computer, so we can stay together. She was overjoyed and exceptionally grateful.
From there it went. We talked about everything. We felt so close to each other. She confided in me about everything. We realized what I described in the last paragraph and that we are soulmates. And it stayed like this for a little more than a month, before fate stroke me and brought us onto a painful path we could never fully leave again.
It was on January 27th, 2017 that things started to go slowly downhill. Up until this day, everything was fine. We have made it a habit to create Skype logs with everything we talked about. If you look at this excerpt, you can get a pretty good idea for it how close we were and how harmonic everything was between us:
[27.01.2017 06:19:13] Me: Good morning, my sweetheart. :) Still awake?^^
[27.01.2017 06:19:17] Me boops ***.
[27.01.2017 06:20:57] ***: Yep.^^
[27.01.2017 06:21:16] Me: YAY!^^ So happy you're still here.^^
[27.01.2017 06:21:20] ***: Was going to call you right now acually to see if your up. XD
[27.01.2017 06:21:20] Me hugs ***.
[27.01.2017 06:21:27] ***: ^^
[27.01.2017 06:21:28] Me: :)
[27.01.2017 06:21:42] *** kisses my cheek.
[27.01.2017 06:21:53 | Edited 06:21:59] Me: I'm glad the magic of timezones lets me talk with you right after getting up. :)
[27.01.2017 06:22:09] ***: Im glad your here too.^^
[27.01.2017 06:24:38] ***: So is my filly prepared for there day at the blood donation place?^^
[27.01.2017 06:25:57] Me: Hehe, not yet.^^ Just taking a shower now, feeding my birds, then big and epic breakfast, then heading outside. :)
[27.01.2017 06:26:31] ***: So you have pet birds? Pics filly! :D
[27.01.2017 06:31:48] Me: Later.^^ So, you're into birds?^^
This kind of harmonic tone and exuberance was present every time we talked. And on that day, a shadow got cast over that.
On that day, a person infringed on something that was mine. Namely, an art piece I had created. It was all part of a collaborative effort, work on a much bigger project, yet, that person did not understand the tiniest bit about artist community etiquette and that, even in a collaborative effort, you don't override another artist with your ideas and that you don't force your personal vision on something that you didn't create.
I didn't take lightly to it. I fought a battle against that person and lost. Losing this battle, it shattered me. I already felt shattered because that person was touching my creation in the first place, altering it without my consent. But I felt more shattered after I lost this battle. And still even more shattered because I was the one who got placed under consequences for not obeying to have my creation altered. And she, she was completely on my side and understood that I got treated wrongly. She supported me, comforted me.
That event changed everything. This one moment created an avalanche that I never thought would be possible.
I felt infringed. So much, that my mind was affected by this occurence heavily. And it began to show to my friend and to drag her into it. First it started with small things. Me saying something clumsy that accidentally hurt her. Or, she saying something that hurt me, because she was saying something that I associated with something from my past she didn't know about yet, and I reacted more extreme on it than it would have been necessary, because my mind was already weakened.
Then it got worse. This unintentional pain we brought each other continued, I accidentally hurt her, she accidentally hurt me. We both felt guilty for it every time it happened. Slowly, this put a stain on our relationship. The harmony was gone. It suddenly was strained and we both became a bit wary of each other.
Then it got worse. The event that happened to me festered inside me. I couldn't get over it. I felt cheated and infringed and had an anger inside of me that just didn't want to disappear. And guilt got added to this, guilt over accidentally hurting her, because my jumbled mind made me say or do dumb, clumsy things that triggered stuff for her.
This all piled up on my mind. I thought it would get better. It didn't. It kept piling up, until the moment came that I snapped and yelled at my friend. For completely undeserved reasons, of course, because she didn't do anything wrong. The stress, the nervousness, the guilt, it just became too much for me and then broke out of me. And she didn't take lightly to this. She was always anxious and easy to scare, very timid, because of abuse experiences from her past.
Me yelling at her made her feel indifferent. She distanced herself from me for a little while, then came back. I apologized and we moved on.
Now, that was nothing that broke our friendship. Not yet. But from there on out, the downwards spiral accelerated faster and faster. Because these outbursts kept happening to me. The first outburst added more guilt and this made the second outburst easier. And then another followed. And another. Even the intervals between them became shorter.
I was trapped in a spiral of these flashes of anger that got aimed at her, every time my pain grew too big and I needed an outlet. At first, I thought it would pass by quickly. That it only happened a few times, unfortunate, unfair. But it would stop and we would grow past it. It didn't stop.
I tried to make them stop. I tried different strategies to calm down and to stop unloading that pain I felt on her. She even tried to help me with it, after I explained her why it's happening. She comforted me and tried to relax me. It barely worked and the outbursts kept continuing, despite her and mine best efforts.
About eight months after the event that started it all, it had come so far that I left Skype completely for two days, because I was afraid we would hurt each other again and thought a break for both of us for just two days could help and would be the better option. At that time, she was under huge stress because of something, something she needed my assistance and support with. That stress was in addition to the stress she already felt because of my outbursts.
And she didn't take lightly to this either. She felt abandoned by me and started to fear I would leave her. Which was partially, because the consequences of my outbursts and my general, shattered mind at that time made me interpret a certain panicked reaction to something by her wrong and I started to falsely believe that she maybe isn't as good a person as I thought, a few months prior to the two day break I forced on us, which resulted in it that I told her flat-out that I have to think about if I want to stay. I realized later that my mind had been playing tricks on me and tried to calm her down, but the damage was done (I still hear her shout in terror "No, please don't leave me!" and have to imagine her teared-up face she must have had when she said that).
That reaction of mine and the two days I left her to give us a break, caused it that she developed a gigantic fear that I could leave her alone.
And it became worse. At this time, we already had to push on to stay together despite all that happened. But my outbursts continued frequently.
It eventually came so far that she reacted fearful when I ranted and yelled, even when my yelling wasn't even aimed at her.
And at first, she was only worried about me, because while the outbursts scared her, she knew that I only had them because I was mentally affected by something.
But, about a year after the event, she began to call me out for the outbursts. She began to blame me for them, because she had reached a point where she couldn't take them anymore without doing so. Slowly, her perception about me began to change. She began to see me as abusive. Which is something she already said months before, that my behavior with these outbursts was abusive. But she didn't think of me as an abuser.
But about a year after that fateful event that kicked it all off, she began to seriously think I could be an abuser. Like actual abusers she met in her past before she met me.
And slowly, there were periods where she didn't come online anymore. First for days, then for weeks. I could go for weeks writing messages into Skype that she didn't read. I had to persistently ask her to come online and talk with me to get any responses from her. And she only responded half-heartedly and not even on everything I sent to her. She began to distance herself from me.
The way she talked with me also had also become changed severely. We also fought with each other pretty regularly, something that was unprecented and never happened to us before. You can compare this excerpt with the one from above and see for yourself how colder the tone of our conversations had become and how such a fight looked:
[22.6.2018 03:02:33] ***: I wanna spend more money on Steam......... '-'
[22.6.2018 03:18:16] Me: o.o
[22.6.2018 03:18:27] Me: You have bought enough games for now. Play what you have first.
[22.6.2018 03:19:23] ***: Okay.^^
[22.6.2018 03:19:46] ***: Surgeon Simulator is fun.^^
[22.6.2018 03:20:50] ***: But does dlc count as getting new games?
[22.6.2018 03:23:38] ***: I like jabbing needles into kidneys, and throwing shattered rib cage bones at their face as they loose bloid fast with me giving them a middle finger up.^^
[22.6.2018 03:24:07] ***: I swear I know what I am doing in that game.^^
[22.6.2018 03:25:45] Me: o.o There's a hidden psychopath in you, filly.^^
[22.6.2018 03:27:59] ***: Is there?^^
[22.6.2018 03:51:39] Me: Yes. I'll have to put you on a leash like a dog whem we're among humans.
[22.6.2018 03:52:07] ***: Teehee.^^
[22.6.2018 03:57:08] Me: So, what do you think about the computers?^^ Which one should it be, the one found or the one *** showed you?^^
[22.6.2018 04:26:00] ***: 600 dollar computer it is.
[22.6.2018 04:26:41] ***: I want and need no lag or crap holding me back.
[22.6.2018 04:27:52] ***: *** was making my laptop struggle and hardly anything detailed was in it.
[22.6.2018 04:34:46] Me: Then you need 82 dollars. And that before the price goes up again, because it's a reduced offer, so probably not permanent.
[22.6.2018 04:35:51] Me: And no puppy dog eyes while asking me if I give you the 82$. undefined I just recently got my minimum savings restored and can finally spend money on nice stuff myself again, so I wanna do that too.
[22.6.2018 04:38:52] ***: Oh, I was not even gonna think that. Because clearly you only gave me money to by pointless overpriced crap even though I realized my mistake and told you to cancel the order. And now you wont ever give or recive money from me again. I understand perfectly.
[22.6.2018 04:41:22] Me: I normally wouldn't mind giving you something, but since I just came out of more than half a year where I had to save my entire money to be able to move and then save again to get my emergency savings back, I just can't do this right now. I finally want to buy some stuff for myself again in the next few months, without having to invest it elsewhere.
If it would only be something that costs a few dollars, it would be fine, but not almost 100$. I really need to afford myself something again after those months.
[22.6.2018 04:43:33] ***: Still your fault not canceling the order. (Note: She was referring to the computer I bought her at the end of 2016.)
[22.6.2018 04:47:32] ***: My autistic fault for not realizing I picked the wrong one.
[22.6.2018 04:48:22 Me: Though, I finally want to equip that HD I have left with nice stuff and send it your way next month.^^ Will still cost shipping, but shouldn't be that much.^^
And you didn't even say it's the wrong one, you just said you are unsure over ordering it, sounding like you hesitate to take my money. So I pushed for it.
Besides, as I already said, I couldn't afford giving you more money there. It would have either been this computer or none.
Also, back then, you never told me you're using Skype from your phone. I was thinking you can only use it from your computer that might break soon, cause you never told me it's on your phone, so I was afraid you would be gone soon and that was another reason why I pushed for buying you that computer.
Don't act like you don't remember that anymore.
[22.6.2018 04:50:27] ***: Ah, so if you knew I could use the phone......... I wouldn't have a expensive paper weight in the first place. I rather be in that timeline.
[22.6.2018 04:52:24] ***: Andno I knew it was the wrong one, but you kept pushing........... We could of waited for more money if that was the case.
[22.6.2018 04:57:41] I hate this "laptop" you gave me with a passion. It's comepletly worthless as it is just a bloody chrome browser. A 200 dollar chrome browser internet not included. It's comepletly worthless and all it is doing is being a dumb stupid paperweight........... It's exactly what I am, and my worth. Overpriced trash............ You see value in this? Have it, Austria has actual good internet and all you do important is write. This has more use to you then to me. Just like me, golly we are pretty much the same but I hate myself ergo I hate the expensive browser you gave me.
[22.6.2018 05:00:24] ***: So technically this scrap heap is yours........ So you never gave me any money, or laptop.......... You gave me something to borrow, but no you did not get me any laptop or lend me any money.
[22.6.2018 05:01:05] ***: Never. Why is my retarded brain expecting you to now?
[22.6.2018 05:02:17] ***: The laptop is yours. I am disowning it.
[22.6.2018 05:02:57] ***: Night.
[22.6.2018 05:05:48] ***: Also, if ya really wanted to spend money for yourself. You would of taken mine I offered countless times. The offer is always up.
[22.6.2018 05:11:36] Me: "I hate this 'laptop' you gave me with a passion." *** [22.6.2018 04:57:43]
Really? Fine..... I bought this computer for you because I thought that there's no way to see you and talk with you anymore if your own computer breaks and because I was afraid to lose you.
I did this in the belief you would be gone forever if I don't. I did this for us, so we can stay together.
That is why it means something to me that I bought you this computer, but apparently, that I did so much that we can stay together doesn't mean anything to you anymore.
No goodnight. Just go and fuck yourself to sleep, ***. Our friendship doesn't mean anything to you.
You can see here how we started out with a rather relaxed conversation, then how the tone became gradually colder, until we seamlessly slipped into a fight and said awful things. At that time, it had become so easy for us to slip into a fight. This is only one example.
At this time, she also developed heavy depressions and started with self-loathing, as well as suicide thoughts, as a result of our relationship deteriorating more and more. You can already see the self-loathing a little in this excerpt. She also began to tell me directly how my outbursts scared her. And began to retreat further.
At this point, our relationship was pretty much broken. But we kept clinging to each other regardless. Then, things got better, surprisingly. I became more relaxed, as the pain of what happened to me at the start of 2017 finally left me. I finally recognized at least a little shred of that good old harmony that used to exist between us during the rare moments she still came online to talk to me.
But one last outburst happened, on December 25st of all days even. She came to me and vented her depressions on me. She needed me. And I suggested to do something fun together for the holidays. But I think it was disappointment that she was gone for so long, then only came back on the holidays to vent her depressions on me instead of us doing something fun together. So I reacted impatient and too forceful and scared her away.
I managed to get her to come back and we wanted to celebrate into the New Year together. But my guilt over treating her like that on the holiday ate away at me and made me weak. I did not yell at her again, but I fell asleep. I remember one message from her in that night. It just said "New year". She had sent it 24 hours after her midnight. While I was fast asleep. She sat there and waited for me, to celebrate into the new year with her, despite how bad our relationship had become, like the loyal friend she always was.
And I wasn't there, because I was dumb and fell asleep and this disappointed her of me even more.
I tried to mend fences with her further and when she came back online on a day in January, she said she gives me one last chance. Only one.
I was relieved. I was still thinking we could fix everything between us. I finally had my outbursts under control, they didn't happen anymore, so it was a sure bet that everything could become the same between us again. And how wrong I was with that.
She didn't come back online for weeks again, even though she said she gives me another chance. I already knew what it meant, that she was still scared of me and didn't dare to come online. But I was determined. Determined to fix our friendship. I gave her space and carefully arranged meetings with her in Skype. We talked a little and it went good.
Then the day before Season 9 started came. I managed to convince her to come online and we had a surprisingly long talk. I addressed something stupid I said when I didn't feel mentally well and cleared up that I wasn't right with that and it got her to open up. She talked normally to me, almost like she always used to before that trying time began for us. She said she will have a better Internet connection and we talked about watching streams and playing games together, something we always wanted, but never could, because of her bad connection.
But by this point, our relationship had become so fragile, that every tiny spark could ignite a fire. I said something and she understood it wrong, thought I was trying to force something onto her. She left rather angry, with a cold "Night".
I kind of felt I had lost her there already. She didn't come online for weeks again. And I wanted to write her there, but somehow didn't dare to. I was already feeling that something was wrong even more than usual.
Then in the middle of this week, I noticed changes. On Tuesday, I got notified that she changed her Steam password, which she had shared with me so I could play her games. Art pieces by her vanished from Derpibooru, DNP list addition, something that wasn't alike her. Her Twitter account was deleted. And she had changed passwords for several other accounts that we shared together.
Today, she came online one last time. In Discord, because Skype doesn't let her log in anymore for some months now for some reason. She spoke clearly and told me how she is scared of me and that her trust in me is gone.
Said how she used to trust me, but that I scare her, that I traumatized her more and that I wasn't there when she needed me. Told me that she wants nothing to do with me anymore and that the trust is dead.
I responded, tried to come up with different words to make it up to her, to explain myself, but all was in vain. I couldn't settle on something, sent her message after message in Discord, only to delete them again and start anew. Until I eventually figured that it's of no use, that she wouldn't even read what I write, because she is way too furious about me and doesn't trust me anymore. So I just said that I won't bother her anymore, that she is right with what she said and that I am sorry for failing her and said goodbye.
This is the last thing she said to me before I did that:
...... She was rude, but I am leaving it there for now. You scare her, truamatized her when she thought she could trust again. At the moment she needed someone the most...... You weren't there, but she managed to survive. And now a war inside her head has been had because of you and this world. If she should be alone or not. She really wants nothing to do with you. And now that trust is dead. It won't come back. You are toxic for her, dangerous, dispite you speak of tolerance that word just means the bare minimum to accepting a part of life. You hurt people unessesarily meaninglessly. You re a short fuse she has to watch herself with.
Your emotionally and mentally unstable. You went off over something light as a color change on a team project. She understands that, but, wants nothing to do with those mental issues due to her own and that mixture, leads to abuse.
That is why she is scared. She already dealt with a short fused monster. She cannot do it again even a better handled one, like yourself.
we understand...... Not having control since being on this planet. So when someone does try to control us, we freak. Though we understand that control is something only to identity of are own. Not of other life near or off universe.
It is for the best to leave us on our own timeline. And you go your own way. That is how it's going to be in the end and forcing it diffrent........ None of us will allow harm to her.
Goodnight and if you read with undertanding and so called tolerance, then foreverbye.
And yes, she was talking about herself in third person. That's how bad her condition became because of everything the last two years put us through.
These two years, they changed her and made her so different from what I knew. And while I constantly tried to fix myself and our friendship, it was in vain at the end.
Due to my own distrust in people, I always figured that she would leave me one day, like others have done it for all the wrong reasons before her.
And for two years, ever since the event happened, I feared she would say something like this to me. Now she did. I sent her phone messages, which she ignored and only a little later, I found myself blocked by her in Discord.
I don't know what I can say or should say. But this is a testament to it how fragile even the best friendship can be and how the actions of one toxic person affecting another person can ruin a third person and break even the best and most tight of friendships.
And for me, this is evidence that friendship really isn't for me. That friendship isn't meant for me. Because I was sick of this concept called "friendship", that never works in this world and never works with humanity, and yet, I found a true friend anyway, opened myself up to her and, for what? To enjoy her company for 2+ years, most of which was stained by the person who threw her and me into this spiral, only to lose her after that time, unable to hold her and to save our friendship.
How could this happen, if not for it that something just doesn't want that I can have a true friendship? Friendship isn't for me.
I don't blame her for leaving me. I don't see her as evil or as a wrongdoer. I couldn't, because she has done nothing wrong. But I can't blame myself either, because I had to deal with my own mental stuff and I never hurt her by intention or on purpose and I tried to keep myself together for her, even though I ended up failing with that.
It simply was a bad stroke of fate that slowly and steady teared our friendship apart at the seams and didn't leave it any real chance. The only one really to blame for this is that person that brought me into the mindset and bad mental condition that caused all of this to unfold.
A person with a heart blacker than night, who doesn't know what she caused and wouldn't care if she were knowing it.
There, Fluttercheer's depressing life story is over. Story updates, as well as the newest episode review, might be a while or not come at all this week. We shall see. Fluttercheer is out.
My condulences. I'll be with you.
Such a Moment is always hard to Take.
Yet, the future is unpredictable. Who knows, Maybe your Friend comes Back One day
5050981
It's harder to take. This isn't a simple "It just didn't work anymore" break-up. This is harder to take, because this break-up ultimately happened because of the consequences of the actions of one very toxic person who has zero consciousness for it that treating someone else badly can result in a friendship getting ruined.
We didn't grow apart, we got forced apart by a horrible, toxic person who affected us and damaged our friendship in a way that can't be reversed or undone anymore. A person who shook us both so much to the core with her reckless and unthoughtful behavior that we could never recover from it again.
Before that person came down on us, we had a happy, joyful and carefree friendship like you rarely, if ever, see it. And that person took this from us by kickstarting a chain reaction that was impossible to stop.
There is no way to take this.
5051091
I understand you in every respect. I'm just Optimstic. In any Case, i'll be There for you.
Hey man, if you'd like to talk I'd be down for it. My girlfriend and I recently put a temporary stop on our relationship as far as more than friends is concerned, but I realize that it was mainly my fault. We're still talking, but I can still empathize with what you're going through/went through. If you want to just hang out and talk about whatever, hit me up sometime through PM, or on Discord. My username is "PewDashiePie (SpyroTechnic)" user #7977
Oh my goodness.
Wait!
Please, hear me out on this?
Despite the corniness of this statement, I too have experienced something like this, but within the family.
Please, I implore you to continue venting to us and others in the manner or some other form.
Supressed emotions fester, they are toxins that accumulate.
And as we all know, toxins concentrated to such a degree either cannot be survived or mended, right?
WRONG!
Please, hear me out?
There is a way, a method of healing I myself have undergone.
I beg you, Fluttercheer, do not think there is no hope!
Please, I am at the very moment, sending you a private message in your Mail.
Please consider the messages, and please Reply at your convenience. Please...
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