For Want of a Horseshoe Ch 5 Original Draft

This chapter was a real hairball, and I had an entire two thousand word first draft, most of which I had to junk. You can find it below:

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The beginning of the chapter was mostly the same--Nightmare standing on the balcony before entering her room and opening the portal to Celestia.

Still bound in chains that disappeared into formless mist, her sister appeared no different than when Nightmare had peered into Twilight Sparkle's portal on the moon. This time, however, she was lying with her head pillowed on forehooves, facing the portal with her eyes closed. As the portal finished resolving, her eyes opened, and Nightmare found her gaze riveted once more.

For a long time, neither spoke. Celestia seemed content merely to stare. Then, with no further warning, her eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. "I feared I had imagined it," she murmured. "Luna? Is it really you?"

Nightmare scowled. "I am Nightmare Moon, and you will refer to me as such."

Celestia smiled, and let out a choked, breathless laugh. "I believe you have answered my question. Very well, Nightmare Moon," she said, her features settling into a serene mask, face settling into grooves worn by the centuries.

Nightmare could see the cracks; the edges of her smile were trembling, and her eyes were a fraction too wide, too desperate. She kept her own face impassive.

Celestia glanced away before continuing. "How are things in Equestria? I cannot even measure the passing of time, so I cannot even speculate. It has not been terribly long... has it?" A measure of desperation entered Celestia's voice as she asked her question.

Her sister was afraid. Afraid that she had been banished for centuries, and all those she loved and remembered had vanished, faded to dust in a subjective instant. For a moment, Nightmare entertained the notion of lying to her, of telling her that all her dear ones had been consumed by the fires of time while she slumbered. It would only be fair after all—had not the same been done to her?

But no, she had not contacted her sister in order to gloat. Instead she had...

She had...

During the long silence, Celestia's eyes had grown slowly wider, the trembling at the edges of her smile grown more violent. "No," Nightmare finally answered. "Several years, no more."

Celestia let out a relieved breath that held more than a hint of a sob. "Thank you," she whispered. "Little sister…" Celestia paused for a long moment before drawing in and releasing a deep breath. "Whatever has happened between us… I want you to know that I forgive you."

What? "What?"

"I forgive you your crimes. By my reckoning, the slate between us is clean."

Nightmare's expression went blank. "You forgive me." She inhaled a single sharp breath through her nose. "No," she hissed. "I have done nothing to require your forgiveness." She lit her horn. "This conversation was a mistake."

Celestia locked eyes with Nightmare. "Did it work?" she asked softly.

Nightmare paused, eyes narrowed. "What?"

"Do our little ponies love your night?"

Nightmare stared at her sister for a long moment before wordlessly terminating the communication spell. It pulsed, rippled, then scattered apart into multicolored wisps of magic before fading into nothing. Nightmare stared at wall for several long moments, breathing hard. She stalked to her balcony doors, threw them open, and dispelled the magical soundproofing with a pop! before escaping from her bedchamber.

Twilight Sparkle was waiting for her.

Nightmare ground her teeth together and ignored the other alicorn, moving to stand at the balustrade. Twilight Sparkle looked at her, and said nothing, before turning back to look across the landscape. Nightmare stared outward, and focused on taking deep, even breaths. She was a queen, and a queen exuded poise and control. A queen did not start scream at intruding alicorns just because they were somewhere did not belong.

Well. Not twice, anyway.

After she had brought her breathing under some semblance of control, Nightmare spoke. "Out with it. My patience has run dry."

"Um. Well, I've been doing some reading lately. A lot of reading. I learned something interesting about," the tiniest hesitation, "your name. I learned that at the beginning of your and Celestia's reign, you were known as the Night Mare. And that that's actually where the modern word 'nightmare' comes from—you would inflict terrible dreams upon Equestria's enemies, and those dreams came to be known as 'visits from the Night Mare'."

"The point, Sparkle. Either reach it with your next sentence, or I will fling you off this balcony," Nightmare growled.

"Well… I thought 'Nightmare Moon' was just some frightening-sounding name. A part of your mystique, something to make you sound fearsome. But is isn't, is it? You're just… readopting your old title, aren’t you? The Night Mare, Lady of the Moon."

Nightmare granted herself the luxury of a single, long-suffering breath. "Did you truly twist the laws of time and space just to ask me inane questions about my past?"

"Well," Twilight Sparkle said, leaning against the balustrade next to Nightmare and nervously tapping her forehooves together, "I thought I should try to get to know you a little better. That's what a friend does, after all." She turned to Nightmare. "Tell me, is there anyone in your court, or even outside of it, that would be interested in you for you? Someone who you would trust to watch your back?"

Nightmare scoffed. "A mighty queen has no reliance on such weakness."

"Maybe not," Twilight Sparkle replied, undeterred, "but you rebelled because you wanted ponies to love your night, didn't you?"

Nightmare said nothing, and winced.

"It's been several years since you took power. Your little ponies must love the night now, right?"

Nightmare looked away.

"Come with me," Twilight Sparkle said suddenly turning.

"Why?" Nightmare groaned. "I should just fling you into the forest and inflict you upon the timberwolves."

"Because," Twilight Sparkle replied from inside the bedchamber, opening the door, "there's a pony in the castle that you should talk to."

Nightmare found her curiosity stirring, despite herself.

Well, she thought, it certainly couldn't hurt for my subjects—or enemies, for that matter—to see me allied with a mysterious third alicorn.

Nightmare joined Twilight Sparkle, careful to ensure that she was walking half a step ahead of the younger alicorn. "To what end do we seek out this mysterious oracle of yours?"

Twilight Sparkle smiled. "Well, one of the things I've learned from your sister is that when you're an absolute ruler, ponies aren't usually very honest to your face." They entered the spiral staircase linking Nightmare's tower to the castle's main floor and descended together. "So," Twilight Sparkle continued, "we're going to go talk to somepony who will be tell you how they really feel. I'll bet everyone in the castle has told you all about how beautiful your night is, right?"

"Do our little ponies love your night?" Nightmare shook her head, willing away the phantom of her sister's voice. "Of course. Any sensible pony can see the truth of such a thing."

Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow but didn't press the issue. Instead, she changed the subject. "Have you taken a look at the other scroll I left you?"

Nightmare nodded. "Several agents of the crown are verifying that your information is correct. If this Chrysalis exists, and her 'changeling swarm' does indeed have a hive in the badlands, I will know shortly."

Twilight Sparkle nodded. "I appreciate you taking this seriously. It wouldn't be unusual for a leader to completely ignore information from a source like me. I'm hardly peer-reviewed, after all!"

Nightmare swept aside the curtain leading from the hall to the throne room, and they emerged behind her now-repaired throne. "I would be a poor queen if I ignored intelligence, no matter how questionable the source. I do not trust you, Twilight Sparkle, but there is no reason not to verify your claims."

The guards posted at the foot of the throne sprang to attention as their queen passed them by. Nightmare ignored them, but Twilight Sparkle stared at them openly, eyes roving over them from head to hoof. For their part, the guards displayed remarkable discipline, and maintained their rigid postures, but their eyes returned her gaze curiously.

"That's a clever enchantment on the helmets," Twilight Sparkle said. "The wing ornaments look a little impractical though. Don't get they get in the way of the pegasi's natural wings?"

Nightmare rolled her eyes. "Of course not. Armor for pegasi lacks the ornaments entirely. What you see is an illusion enchantment. When a pegasus' wings are at rest, the illusion orients itself vertically. Otherwise, it follows their natural wing position." Nightmare led their little parade down to the entrance of the throne room before stopping and turning to face the other alicorn. "Now, I have indulged your little game enough. Where is this oracle of yours?"

Twilight Sparkle's face reddened slightly. "Right! So, I mmmay have been snooping around your castle a little bit recently, and I just might have heard that you're holding a pony accused of attempted assassination in your dungeons. So, I was thinking, who better to tell you how they really feel?"

Nightmare stared at Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle smiled back, undeterred. "Unless I do this, you will be a thorn in my side for the remainder of tonight, won't you?"

"Unrepentantly."

"And if I just tried to blast you out of my castle?"

"You'd find the experience disappointing!" Twilight Sparkle's bright grin was undimmed.

Nightmare sighed.

Twilight Sparkle's smile fell. "It won't take more than a few minutes, I promise."

Nightmare rolled her eyes. "I am not some foal to be condescended to, whelp," she sighed, without heat. "Come, that we may put an end to this farce." And Nightmare turned and strode away, leaving the shorter alicorn to scramble to follow.

As they passed through the castle, moving into the deeper, darker and danker

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...and that was as far as I got before junking all of it.

The primary issues with it were pacing and tone.

In the original draft of Chapter 4, Nightmare actually talked to Celestia, and that's reflected here. I cut that entirely, and I think Celestia works much better in the final draft as a sort of emotional millstone around Nightmare's neck.

Twilight showed up too early in the chapter, and was too buddy-buddy with Nightmare; I was originally going to have them both go down to the dungeon together, where Twilight would learn everything from Sunburst, and then we'd have the subsequent emotional blowup. It all felt too rushed, and made following up on the Chrysalis plot thread feel awkward.

I am a bit sad I had to drop the 'Night Mare' thing. Maybe I can still work it in somewhere.

Comments

[PaintedPony]

While I can see why you scrapped it, it did have potential. I liked the Nightmare thing and I also liked that Nightmare visited and talked to Celestia. Hopefully you can work both into the story in the future. I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter, though.