The first time and the last · 10:58am May 13th, 2019
About a year or two ago, I got out of a semi-abusive relationship with a girl that convinced me that she loved me. We got along great, we always hung out and laughed together, and I was happy at last to share my innermost self with someone I cared about.
However, I was stupid enough to let love tangle me in its toxic web of deceit. At times and out of nowhere, she would yell at me and I don't know why. She was always so very arrogant and unappreciative, but I was so busy being in love with her to notice. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that my first committed relationship was going to end, but, in some ways, it was for the better.
She convinced me that she loved me, I gave my thoughts to her, I cared enough about her to give her my first kiss with her, the very first time that I kissed any girl, and I just enjoyed her company. We were two insane people being ridiculous together, but the real ridiculous part of the relationship was that I was stupid enough to let her in.
I even remember the first that time we kissed - 11th May 2016, about two in the afternoon. Exactly two days after someone I cared about and considered my second dad died. I found out when I was at her grandmother's house.
I cared enough about that special moment to remember it, but I can guarantee you that she likely doesn't remember it. If she does, I'll seriously eat my guitar, neck and strings, too. I honestly have no clue what goes on in that girl's head half the time, but arrogance and selfishness prevail above all else.
As you might imagine, I was torn to shreds about it, and the odd thing about it? On the bus ride back home, my conscience was blabbering on at me, ''You idiot! Why did you kiss her?! What's wrong with you? You shouldn't have done that!''
It was only maybe a month later that we broke up, which ties to the night that I was so set on self-destruction that I nearly died from downing spirits. Since April, I've been alcohol free and sober for a year. I could have so easily have been dead, and I would be just like the person I cared about. Pain would disappear, I'd no longer feel heartache, and that would be it for me. Finished.
So, by the end, I don't know if it really was me that was the problem in the relationship with my girlfriend. I'm only just starting to convince myself that it was my fault, but I know that I didn't do anything wrong. Even now, it makes me feel miserable inside. I remember being on the phone with her, and just before she hung up, she said, ''Hey,'' and I waited for her to continue and she said, ''I love you.''
It gave me the Fuzzies. But I don't know if I believed her, even if I want to, because I believe that she did to an extent. She told me she loved me. She loved me, and it was the best feeling in the world, and now I'm understanding just what I'm missing from my life.
Although I really don't feel anything for her anymore, apart from petty, bitter spite, I kinda want it back. You know, the love and the rapport of having a mutual partner to be myself with. Being me isn't even possible on my own, I've found. When I'm with someone, I'm different and non-caring, switched on and constantly joking, living life and being sociable. Most people look at me like I belong in a straight jacket, but, to me, they just want me to join them.
I don't even know what to do anymore about it. My heart is literally throbbing painfully right now, heartache that I know I'm going to be burdened with for a long time, and likely forever. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me, if it's me at all.
I am so sorry about that man but hey you're doing better at the love life then me because All of my girlfriends have either cheated or broke up with me just to go out with one of my friends. Love is a cruel mistress sometimes. My advice is never give up on love and let hate into your life because then you will only be a shadow of your former self.
I know how it feels to really want to be with someone, but not the pain you went through. I hope someone out there will appreciate you properly
5058037
Jesus, dude. I honestly don't understand how girls can do that to guys and then say that they are the problem! It's immature and stupid, to be frank. Hope you find the notorious One in the future, whenever that may be, brother. 💛