I'm so damn lost... · 8:57am Feb 12th, 2020
I'm starting to think that there's just no fucking point anymore. My fathers condition has gotten worse. Now apparently my mother has cancer? What the fuck. Just, what the actual fuck is this bullshit?! I'm starting to lose my fucking mind over here, and that was just when I was dealing with my father. Now I gotta worry about my mother too?
My father and I never really got along. Now that he's dying, I hate myself. I hate him. It's complicated and I honestly don't know how to feel. But with my mother? I can't lose her... I just fucking can't.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Just need to vent I guess. There's been a pain in my chest that just won't go away. Sadness, depression, anger, whatever. It's a jumble of emotions, and I fucking want them to stop. I'm just so numb to everything now. Everything feels cold. Looks grey. I'm not even joking when I say this, but it visibly appears as though the world is less vibrant. Like, bright colours are kinda just dull now. They don't pop as much, if that makes sense at all.
Anyway, I just needed to post this here. Needed to vent.
I can't imagine what it must be like to be in that position. To be one that has to shoulder a burden such as that, it's unfathomable to even begin to understand. Venting is more than fine, honestly it's poison to keep those feelings inside, letting them eat away at your insides as you fall deeper and deeper downwards. Especially when it's about something so close to your heart, the thing that brought you into this world and really some of the deepest connections to any person in this world.
It's heart shattering.
It's my best advice to seek professional mental health care in this kind of situation, even if it's just being able to sit down and just talk to someone who can help even just a little bit. Being alone in this world isn't going to work well, it just lets your self doubts build and build while the world crumbles around you.
Seek someone to listen, and hopefully they can point you towards a better direction. Your world might seem dark now, and honestly it might be for a long time, but there's people out there who care for you as well. Never stop fighting, never give up. That's not what Rainbow Dash would do, so neither should you. As I've always said, we haven't talked in quite some time, but I'm always around in case you need to just talk to someone. About anything.
Stay safe, keep fighting, and remember that your friends are out there.
~Synesisbassist