This art, this life · 9:51pm Nov 18th, 2020
Has...has it been a month already? I suppose it has been. More than that, even. How are you my darling little ponies? I've missed you. And writing. And having a properly functioning laptop that can handle little things like opening up an internet browser and loading writing programs.
This was supposed to be this huge long explanation of the things going on in my life right now, but I'm not sure exactly how much of that I'll be able to get down. My head is a complex jumble of thoughts and emotions, and a great deal of it is incoherent. But I guess I could try.
Of late there are two particular ponies who stand out in my life and they deserve a special shout out. My darling friend and co-writer for one of my stories, "Givingspider." I am not a fan of spiders. Like, at all. Not even a little bit, but, Giving has proven time and time again to be anything but a creepy little arachnid in the corner and a fantastic friend and writer. He is wonderful, and like another pony I shall mention in a moment he's gone above and beyond in the world of friendship.
My dear brother Oldenbronie? (He's a 'G' so he'll always be 'Golden' to me) has been by my side for longer than I care to admit without revealing my age. He wrapped me in warmth and wishes when I was cold, supplied me hope when I'd run out and money when I was broke. He is amazing, not only for these things, but in addition to the fact that both he and Giving has been sending me notes for the last 1000 days.
Yeah. Every. Single. Day.
For 1000 days.
Thats:
- 2 years, 8 months, 26.7 days one way
- 2 years, 8 months, 27 days the other
- 2.74 years
- 32.88 calendar months
- 33.33 30 day months
- 33.86 lunar cycles
- 71.43 fortnights (see, I’m international)
- 142 weeks, 6 days
- 24000 hours
- 1440000 minutes
- 86400000 seconds
They both independently of each other (I assume) started sending me little notes while I was blue to feel better one week and it just never stopped. They're wonderful. Absolutely some of the most wonderful ponies that have ever existed. They committed and dedicated a portion of their day to making sure I was aware that I was loved and cared about and it's just the most wonderful feeling. It almost overshadows the burning hole in my stomach...
You see, years ago, I discovered a small, burning throb in my right side. I ignored it and eventually it went away, but it's returned of late. With a vengeance. I haven't been to a medical professional in years, so I'm quite certain this is nothing 'good.' I'm positive with a myriad of other health issues that this, is in fact, 'bad'. The scary kind of bad that sort of preys on your thoughts and won't leave you alone. I think I'm experiencing something wrong with my kidneys. The problem, of course, is that now I am incapable of seeing a medical professional, as such covid is running rampant. My doctor's office isn't seeing people unless it's through video and I probably need to go in to talk to someone about this. But the way a fractured mind works already has me convinced that I'm dying. That, perhaps I'm unaware of just how close I am everyday to simply plummeting over the edge and that will be that. Who will delete my search history for me when I'm gone? Will it be my heart that gives out first? My overworked Kidneys? My liver? I used to drink so much with the girls...
Does Diamond feel like this? Of course you knew this was going to relate back to her. Of course it is. How on earth could it not? Of course I relate this to my own character sitting continuously on this cusp of death. Even now, my side hurts. I can feel the hidden burn. My kidneys? Is it my appendix perhaps, preparing to burst open under the guise of kidney problems? Extremely high blood pressure? There's a horrible, existential dread that comes along with something like this. Could I put that into words? Imagine looking at a calendar. One of those single sheet tear-away calendars? Imagine looking at one of those and realizing that tomorrow, you were going to die. Knowing, without a doubt, that you were going to die sometime tomorrow. Truth of the matter is, tomorrow never comes, But you're waiting for it. And waiting for it. And waiting for it until you realize one day, that you're going to die today. Diamond, with her terminal illness, decides she's going to get killed while on a mission for Luna because she wants to choose what does her in. She rejects the idea of dying in some hospital bed somewhere because she doesn't want to be a statistic in a book about the number of children who die from her sickness. I don't want to die in some bed either. I want to mean something, somewhere before I go.
Maybe I can write this concept better now. Maybe I can be a better person because of it. Maybe it'll help me stop wasting time. Maybe I can help others stop, too, if I can articulate this well enough.
It feels like everything is going astray these days. I've accrued two friends of recent. The coworkers of mine I've been discussing. Have I not discussed them here? Goodness...lets see...who can I equate them too...Rainbow and Twilight. I adore them. Both of them, dearly. Twilight is wildly intelligent, knows about everything and is always willing to help. She's been texting me to try and help remind me to take my meds. She even offered me a contact for a concept piece I was working on for a while. Said if I could finish it, they'd pass it along and see what came of it. I'm slowly realizing that it might in fact be possible for me to finish a script and actually turn it into something. Wouldn't that be nice? Rainy is impulsive, loyal to a fault, and passionate about everything she does. She's my mental definition of a pegasus. Free spirited and soulful. Heart on her sleeve, sort of situation. Yes, yes, we fit into our respective categories well, and, gah, even after the show is over, I'm still thinking in pony terms. Of recent, our trio has expanded into a quadsome and if I had to classify due to personality, I'd say we inducted Applejack and Pinkiepie. A very down to earth friend of ours and an incredibly bombastic humorous filly who just screams Pinkie. I guess once you've been in the ponylife long enough everything becomes pony. Rainy has been sick. Me too. Twilight, as well. And, Pinkie. The only one of us who hasn't been to the hospital, or won't be visiting soon is Applejack and... Right. Right. Earth ponies don't get sick quite so often. Story checks out. Pinkie has a preexisting condition and...ugh. Seems like we're all going down together, which is strangely comforting in a horrifying sort of way. Maybe we can make it through. The power of Friendship is magic, or so I hear.
Lastly, I can't forget my friend B_25 who has been chugging away at their art work recently and making wide strides while I'm still doodling stick ponies. Do go appreciate their work, they've tossed me the most darling sketch the other day and I'm still (obviously) tickled by it. I'd offer to show it off, but I'm not sure if they'd be okay with it and it is also...more risque than I normally tend to post in my journals. But the point is, B_25 is lovely and you should all go and read his embiggened tales of lustful adventure.
Anyway, to sum up:
-GivingSpider and Goldenbronie are crazy people who wasted time to write me letters for 1000 days consecutively and I love them for it. Let me repeat: Consecutively. Every. Day. 1000. Let that sink in. I still can't believe it.
-B_25 is an awesome artist.
-I might be dying! ...Soon! I'll keep you posted!
-I've cobbled together a weird little friend-family that reminds me of the main six, only there are five of us sans Flutters. They make me happy.
-I badly need a new laptop if I want to start writing again.
I’ve got to say, those symptoms are not inconsistent with appendicitis, which is more of an “go to the emergency room right now” thing than a “go see your doctor” thing
Not that there aren’t a lot of reasons not to go to the emergency room right now but plz consider having it looked at right away.
Welcome back soul sister.
~ Yr. Soul Bro, B
5400577
You know, Appendicitis is the option we're actually hoping for, as it is the least severe of all the aforementioned possibilities. But it's been weeks and not a sharp pain, just a dull irritation. I'm really hoping the pain dies down on its own and a change to my diet is all I need.
Since that's much easier to facilitate than a visit to the emergency room.
I really do hope you start feeling better. Hang in there and maybe get to a doctor somehow.
A yes, the feeling of being on the brink of death. I know that feeling. I sympathize, dear lady. This is a strange world we're living in now, so yes, it might be difficult to find someone to take a look at what's ailing you. But I'm sure someone is around. If nothing else you could video chat with someone that can try and walk you through checking yourself. It's difficult, but feasible.
And yes, (G)Olden certainly does have a heart of gold, doesn't he. He's checked on me from time to time as well. I always appreciate knowing that somebody out there is thinking about me. A virtual hug to you, Olden, because I know you'll be reading this.
And of course, a hug to you, dear lady. You'll pull through this and be back on your hooves in no time.
Maybe a call would be a good idea. You'd be surprised how much a doctor can identify just by word. Also, the ER might be a good idea as well. Covid may be bad, but I'd argue this is reason to go outside and seek treatment.
I'm more than glad to hear from you, dear Lady! And how you make me blush!
It good to know so many ponies care about you. And that we collectively agree that you simply must contact a doctor right away. The majority has spoken, darling.
Please take care, Lady Rarity. You truly are cared about and appreciated.
Glad to hear from you, although I must respectfully disagree with the suggestion that my time was wasted
The only time we waste is the time spent doing nothing, and we're always doing something.
Nobody really starts doing nothing before they expire :P
Here's hoping you feel better soon. Please take care of yourself.
*Internet hugz*
Reading this makes my heart break...
I barely knew anything about you, I didn't know what you were going through. We weren't friends, we've never talked, but when I heard the news of your untimely passing, I was shaken. I didn't want it to be true. I don't want it to be true.
I don't know what to say.
Rest in Peace, RarityEQM.
May God rest your Soul.