Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXXXIX · 9:17pm Mar 31st, 2022
It really inspires you to come into the office more when said office suffers multiple blackouts in the same day. Way to boost my confidence, guys.
There’s not much happening this week. Well, at least for me. No announcements, no interesting events, no unusual stories. I wrote more than usual this month, and that’s good, but it’s hardly “news”.
I don’t particularly mind. I’m the kind of boring guy who likes it when nothing happens.
How about some reviews? Only two stories this week.
Stories for This Week:
A Diplomatic Visit by Evilhumour
Thirty Minutes of Fabulosity by Esle Ynopemos
Total Word Count: 127,412
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
A Diplomatic Visit
104,463 Words
Evilhumour failed to provide cover art.
Requested by Evilhumour
Alternative Title: Twilight Begins Her Villain Training
A new alicorn doesn’t come along every century, and Twilight’s ascension has brought about some foreign attention. Equestria’s neighbor, the Packlands, has decided for the first time in a long while to send a diplomat, specifically to meet Twilight. She’s about to be thrust into a world of international diplomacy, and he aims to be her guide.
When this story started, there were a handful of things that bothered me. What makes this wolf so much better at teaching Twilight diplomacy than Celestia, just for example. This may be my own cynicism guiding me, but I also can’t help but feel that all this “training” is going to ruin Twilight’s relationship with the people she best represents in Equestria, i.e. the common pony. I mean, they’re outright teaching her to be dishonest, deceptive, and think like a political figure, which is exactly the opposite of what she needs to be to represent anypony below the rank of Mayor. Add on top of that the fact that “diplomacy” as Celestia, Luna, and the wolves of the Packlands have practiced them has led to such significant relations failure that the alicorns themselves are outright forbidden from visiting the Packlands and one has to wonder if there’s anything good at all about this move.
Evilhumour’s argument against these issues is to simply make Twilight too good to fail. That’s not to say Twilight is a perfect diplomat from the get-go, she certainly faces her fair share of problems. But it’s all there only because she’s new to the practice; she ends up being so much a natural at making creatures get along that by the end of the story she’s performed what Celestia and Luna consider “miracles” in foreign affairs after only two weeks. It’s rather damning that a lot of Twilight’s solutions are nothing short of common sense and practicality that I can’t believe Celestia and Luna failed to think of on their own.
To be fair, the author has crafted an AU in which politics is, apparently, everything to its inhabitants (except for Twilight who somehow failed to notice its very existence until Swift-Pad appeared). They’ve created a wide range of rules and roadblocks that prevent beings perfectly capable of solving the world’s biggest problems from doing so. Some of them are even realistic.
The end result is a story in which Twilight, despite being taught to lie, deceive, and never say what she actually means, uses these tools of evil for good. I’m embellishing a bit (or maybe a lot), but the point is that Twilight quickly proves herself to be a better diplomat than any of the other princesses could ever hope to be. Which makes some sense. ‘Princess of Friendship’ and all that.
Aside from the obvious, the story serves two major purposes: worldbuilding and fixing canon. I’m not sure that Evilhumour intended the latter, but it has such an overwhelming, continuous presence in the story that it became a major factor regardless of intention. I didn’t like that part of it, as it frequently made the story feel less like something to take seriously and more like a wide-ranging fix-fic. This story is set in (or perhaps just before?) Season 4, and with Swift-Pad’s arrival we see so many future topics corrected in this story, including but not limited to Sombra’s return in Season 9, Chrysalis’s return in Season 6, Diamond Tiara’s (possible) reformation, Moondancer’s issues, Tirek’s escape (not fixed, but identified way earlier than normal), Thorax’s ascension, Spike’s molting, Rarity’s future business plans, and so on. It’s not just limited to future problems, as plenty of pre-Season 4 topics come up and are “corrected” by highlighting problems and solutions, such as the Buffalo stampeding grounds topic in Over a Barrel, Garble’s attempts to destroy phoenix eggs, Discord’s reformation, and much more I’m sure I’m forgetting.
I can understand some of these things. For instance, I get that a foreign interpretation of how Appleloosa essentially stole Buffalo lands would factor into the overarching point of the story. But the vast majority of these felt tacked on by the author in a “this is how things should have gone” fashion. It runs the risk of making Swift-Pad look like a fixer character, i.e. that OC authors make just to correct all the perceived wrongs of the show/an episode. It’s not a good look.
Again, I must emphasize that I don’t believe that was the author’s intention. More likely Evilhumour just wanted to detail how the changes in his AU affect and impact what occurred in canon. I just feel like they leaned too heavily on that angle.
On the other hand, the worldbuilding is great! We get to learn a ton about the culture and ways of the Packlands, with some additional spice in the form of interactions with changelings and an encounter or two with some other species. This is the part where Evilhumour shines the brightest and it makes up for the majority of the story. The fact that the rest of the series looks to be more of the same is welcome news.
A few other things did crop up. For instance, there’s not anything in the way of a villain or a great challenge to overcome. Oh, sure, Twilight & co. have some minor hurdles to overcome, but there’s no overarching thread other than “renew relations with the Packlands”. What I’m guessing is meant to be the big climax is anything but; it’s just Twilight standing in front of a bunch of wolves, the author summarizes what she said, badda-bing badda-boom, we have peace! It’s especially bad that the lump sum of any and all negative reactions to her speech are summed up as “There was a sudden uproar at this.” No, seriously, that’s it. The big moment, that point when Twilight has to finally stand up and present herself to not only the Packlands’s representatives but also to the changeling queens, and all the atmosphere and dynamics and drama of her opposition is reduced to “a sudden uproar”.
This is not how you make a scene interesting, author.
It would seem, however, that this is a regular problem for Evilhumour. There were frequently moments that could have been dramatic, nuanced, or insinuating that instead got downgraded by a very telly, nondescript narrative. I was tempted to forgive a lot of it, but that big scene at the Great Burrow really shines a spotlight on it. This is not helped by a number of quirky or bad phrases and word choices, the worst of all being “for lack of a better word.” Evilhumour, do not use this phrase in narrative. The narration never “lacks a better word”. Characters can say this. The narration cannot. It would be different if you were writing the story as if it were being told from a character’s perspective, but you are using third person without a locked perspective. That means the person lacking a better word in this instance is you, and authors always have the right word (especially when they don’t).
I came away from this feeling like the audience needs to come in expecting something other than your traditional story. Don’t go in expecting rising tension, a climax, or even an overarching theme. It’s Twilight and her friends doing things until the author decides they’ve found a good place to stop (for now). Sure, Twilight grows as an individual, but the backbone of this is worldbuilding, not storytelling. This is going to be great news for people looking for an example of that. People hoping for drama, international intrigue, and villains to thwart will be in for disappointment though.
I plan to read the sequel, if only out of curiosity for more of Evilhumour’s worldbuilding. As far as rating goes, I think this one deserves the middle ground. It’s an interesting premise, but some of the author’s decisions hold it back from what I would consider greatness.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Thirty Minutes of Fabulosity
22,494 Words
By Esle Ynopemos
Sister Story to Thirty Days, Thirty Twilights, An Apple A Day, The Thirty Minute Dash, Thirty Minutes Shy, and Party Every Day
Naturally saving Best Pony for last, we have the final part of Esle Ynopemos’s thirty-minutes-a-day prompts. The idea is simple: taking on prompts from the Thirty Minute Ponies Tumblr, Esle Ynopemos spends thirty minutes writing a short story once a day for thirty days. Rarity’s wasn’t the last anthology published (I think that honor went to Twilight), but since the anthologies are unrelated to one another I saw no reason to abide by the publication timing.
As always, this one comes with a wide variety of topics. They range from battles on the high seas to expert social-fu to secret arrangements with superheroes to a surprising number of RariPie ships. And crimes against fashion. Mustn’t neglect those.
I am, as always, entertained. I still think the Fluttershy one was my favorite, but this one gives us plenty of good moments for the marshmallow pony. If you have a love for Best-Pony-Tied-With-Luna, this is something you might not want to miss.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Thirty Minutes Shy — Pretty Good
Party Every Day — Pretty Good
Thirty Days, Thirty Twilights — Pretty Good
An Apple A Day — Pretty Good
The Thirty Minute Dash — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
Past Sins by Pen Stroke
Old Habits by James Pwyll
Simply Rarity by Somber
Sohndar by CTVulpin
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Been long enough since I read Esle Ynopemos’ thirty-minutes-a-day prompt compilations that I cannot say anything about the specifics of them, though I'm sure the Rarity one is one of the best, on the grounds of the pony it features. They're very fun to read, but hard to discuss except in the immediate aftermath of reading each individual entry – I'm starting to see why Present Perfect adopts his "review individual chapters" for minific-themed Fic Recs. I don't have any plans to tackle fics like these myself any time soon, but when I do, I'll have to think about a good plan of attack…
And as for that first fic, I'm as partial to great fantasy worldbuilding as the next phantom (in fact, more so than most), but the negatives you describe are too much baggage to bother with when there's plenty of other longfics that can give me the worldbuilding without a story that frustrating to wade through. That's a pass.
Interesting roundup for next week, though! Past Sins is another of those old fandom classics I'm very unlikely to ever read, but I'm always game to see retrospective looks at such stories in hindsight. Even when, as happened recently with Present Perfect's look at Background Pony, they were overwhelmingly negative. Still fun!
Similarly, Simply Rarity is another classic short story from the early days, and one I've read, though I gather that much like Sunny Skies All Day Long, it has received heavy criticism in later years largely due to being bettered by similarly-themed fics later down the road. But I'll save the specifics there, and my own thoughts, for next week, sure.
And Old Habits looks interesting enough to me that I may have to add it to my own backlog without even waiting for your review…!
Now there's a name to conjure with! I don't think I know many people at all now who haven't read Past Sins, so I'm really intrigued to discover what you made of it.
Past Sins and Simply Rarity, hoh boy! :O
5647571
I haven't. It was before my time. I might at some point, though.
Wow, I guess we are traveling down memory lane to 2011 and 2012, huh?
A very fair review and you pretty much summed up the main thought process behind this story in the end. I was aiming for a story that didn't have a traditional antagonist for them to defeat but more of an external issue to overcome which does hurt this story as a story. It doesn't really have much of a punch and if I ever do decide a rewrite of this story, I plan on changing some stuff. Elaborating more on the explanations of Twilight's lessons, allow stuff to build up, avoid summing things up in short narrative bursts; that general stuff.
Regardless, I thank you for your review and your desire to look at the sequel to see where this story of mine goes. I hope you enjoy it more than this one and if so, you'll take a look at the next few.
5647565
I tried that "review individual stories in the anthology" route once. It wound up being a substantially sized review. I liked the more in-depth nature of said review, but the extra work was killer on top of all my usual reading. It's one thing to read 10,000 words and write a review, it's another to read 10,000 words and write six reviews. You have to make the time for it, and I simply didn't have it. A shame, really.
I wasn't even aware that Simply Rarity was considered a classic until you, 5647581 and 5647626 said something.
5647571
I wasn't aware of the story for a long while. I'd heard of it in passing a few times, but it wasn't until I saw it fly off the shelves at the Bronycon 2019 Bookstore that I came to realize just how big it was. I figured: what kind of reviewer would I be if I didn't review it?
5647646
Having an "external issue to overcome" isn't a default bad thing for a story. Plenty of stories focus on things like this instead of villains and come out beautifully. The real problem is that "not having much of a punch" part. While a few individual elements worked, the main story arc as a whole just didn't resonate, and I think that had to do partially from the writing style and partially because there was never any sense of a focused conflict. The stakes never felt high and the situation never felt personal. The closest you got was that scene where Twilight gets upset at Luna, but even that didn't strike a chord because Twilight's anger seemed to come out of nowhere. I'm not sure if that was due to the writing style or the plot development. Maybe a bit of both.
The worldbuilding definitely worked, though. You've got me coming back with that alone. I find I'm kinda looking forward to Twi's trip.
5647739
Well again, thank you for taking the time to read and review, and I am glad you are interested to continue reading in the series.
5647624
Yeah, there are a few of those very old classics I haven't read either, especially if they're long. I've been in the fandom just over ten years now, but I've still never read Background Pony, to name just one. (Not sure I'm that likely to, if I'm completely honest.)
Ooooh, next week looking good.
Regarding A Diplomatic Visit: As Evilhumour's co-writer for the majority of his MLP projects, including this one, I'll admit to being somewhat biased. And I'll admit that no story is perfect. But to me, a key factor is that the author has to enjoy writing the story. And I had a lot of fun with most of my contributions to this one and its sequels. For instance, Moondancer's early introduction and Celestia's helping her, at Twilight's request once she became aware of the situation, were my doing; I included them simply because she's one of my favorite characters (in part because I see some of myself in her), and because she needed that help desperately. In contrast, Sombra's permanent removal as a threat was also my doing, but that was brought on by a bad experience with another story I read involving him as a truly nasty individual whom I never wanted to see in action ever again.
Also, in regard to this line:
I assure you, fixing everything wrong with the world was never Swift-Pad's intention. He's just a nice guy doing his job and passing on his and his people's way of looking at things in the process (while learning from the people he interacts with at the same time), along with giving the canon characters some information when they specifically asked for it.
Until next time...
Anon e Mouse Jr.
5649041
The Sombra thing I can understand being added even if it did nothing for the overarching story; it's an international incident and thus would warrant sharing in context with the story's themes. The Moondancer bit, though? I get you did it out of personal feelings for the character, but that doesn't make it valuable for the story itself. If you really can't resist doing something with a character, it behooves you to at least try and do it in a way that matters for the overarching plot.
This holds true for all the other things that got 'fixed' by the story. You say he only gave information when asked? Well, why was he asked? What did the asking do to improve upon/move forward the plot? For most of them, the answer is: nothing. Which made these conversations feel like fix-it moments. And since these topics come up so often, that adds to the suggestion of Swift-Pad being a fixer character, regardless of the author's intentions.
I wouldn't be so hard on these things if they'd been worked in a way that advanced the story. Individually, they were each good ideas/material. But after the sixth or seventh time they came up I began questioning why I was reading about corrections to the show instead of, you know, what the story's purportedly about.
5649208
Oh, trust me - her two major scenes in this fic were setup for later on, as she'll be more relevant in fics 3 and 4 of the series. (At least, I felt she was relevant, as another friend who was around to help Twilight learn and grow in new ways, and help her out when she needed it.)
...Let me put it this way: If you were around someone whom you knew knew more about a situation than you did, wouldn't you take the chance to ask them questions and learn? This is a major point of the story, to let the characters learn more from others about how they see the world, and what they know in general, so they can all benefit from the knowledge shared.
Until next time...
Anon e Mouse Jr.
5649233
It's not about "oh, this character knows more about a situation." The only reason these characters know about these situations in the first place is because the authors made it so. The only reasons these characters who know share the fact that they know is because the authors made it so. Would I want to know more if I were in Twilight's and co.'s shoes? Probably. But it's entirely up to you whether or not that information is in the story to begin with. You decide what does and doesn't show up in the story, not the characters.
If you really want ponies to learn how the rest of the world thinks and views things, you don't have to bring up 50 different problems from 50 different episodes to do it. Pick a handful of topics. Make them focal points. Stick with them. Try to connect them to one another and the central point of the story. A Diplomatic Visit kept bringing up whole new topics, to the point that it felt like the fanfiction equivalent of "villain of the week" with show episodes as the villains.
What you wanted, what you claim you were after? That's fine. I just feel like you didn't approach it in a way that works for the story.