Update about what I'm going through.

Right now, I'm in a weird place. Some symptoms have died down, but a few like the near-constant chest pain and either light-headedness or shortness of breath hits me periodically. Even still, I'm usually drained from dawn to night. Mentally, I'm depressed, working with a professional about it, but most of the time I, ironically, feel empty.

If you read my story, you know a hefty portion of many of the characters' backstories involves the loss of loved ones. I have a hard time keeping track of when I've lost friends, family, or those I've served with. The last two are my surrogate mother and biological father. The first was just before Christmas, and my father less than 2 months ago.

A big reason I wanted to do my writing was to help me process and work through my own issues, but I keep losing people. It's been hard to move on before, but now it's all become numb to me. I can't even process most of what I'm feeling because I've grown so disconnected from dealing with the pain. I haven't even found it in myself to be able to cry about it. Instead, my heart hurts, and I shut down, remembering moments I'll never have again.

More haunting is knowing that months before my father's death, I was plagued with nightmares of 3 people dying horribly in my nightmares. The first was a child I failed to save years ago. Then my father. Then me... Now, given my health, I'm sure you can imagine how much harder everything has been for me.

I don't know why I'm sharing this all here and now. It's hard enough to talk about it in my sessions, but maybe this is another way for me to try and work through it all. Putting out here instead of keeping it bottled up... Maybe it all will help me to be able to write again.

Comments

[Bronycommander]

I hope you get better soon, all the best!

[Black--Soul]

Some in the Community make jokes or are simply confused why i like to comment on every chapter i read, or replay to Blogs if i have the time. As you might guess, it helps keep the spirit up, sometimes i find constructive critics, but more often than not i simply love to simply let the Author of a story know how awesome they did
I even bring back some Authors back after years of inactivity
Motivation is to find in upvotes, comments, pm's and letting other simply know how awe inspiring their work is.
I often regreat finding Gems of writen art only many years after they are finished, in Hiatus or Canceld.

But talking or write is a lot of help. Currently i lost touch with a lot of people because Covid was rather nasty enforced. But going out for a walk in the sun, metting new faces and old once help a lot to brighten once day. Maybe even start dating again.
It helps that we don't longer have to wear mask over the faces anymore. Seriously didn't know or noticed how mutch i missed a polite smile from another, until i did.
My health tanked a bit as well, hope you get better.

My siblings have pets, petting them or even talking to them is my way of coping and therapy of sad days, bad days and boredom. Ever pet a bird with ear cleaning cotton on plastic sticks? Look it up on youtube, it is really that cute ♡

Petting a dog or coaming them with a brush ( birds with a soft toothbrush) are not just a nice bonding experience but can he very relaxing.
Ever tried a pet coffee shop? Or places that let one interact with pets.
Maybe visit a zoo ♡
The pnce with animals instead of suppose to be highly evolved Apes are even entertaining to watch if they chill on the ground

Stay healthy, happy and most importantly:
Have fun

[Black--Soul]

Things i read when i am sad and need some whomesome or funny stuff to lift my mood:
1.- The Boopening https://www.fimfiction.net/story/344262/the-boopening
2.- To Be a Changeling https://www.fimfiction.net/story/429845/to-be-a-changeling
3.- Crossing the Trixie Bridge (Click the pretty picture with Trxie on it ♡)
4.- Twilight Gets a Puppy (Season 1-6, so far)
5.- Starcraft: Queen and Country https://www.fimfiction.net/story/424936/starcraft-queen-and-country (the more humor filled chapters)
6.- Changelings, Love and Lollipops https://www.fimfiction.net/story/195499/changelings-love-and-lollipops
7.- Anon's Deep Tissue Massage (clop with a lot of priceless humor )
8.- Love....SERIOUSLY!? https://www.fimfiction.net/story/248417/loveseriously (I had no idea how fun it could be being Cadance. Very comedy heavy.
9.- first story: Off the Mark https://www.fimfiction.net/story/415985/off-the-mark Second story: Beginning Anew https://www.fimfiction.net/story/501238/beginning-anew
10.- Sparkle's No. 1 Assistant https://www.fimfiction.net/story/184299/sparkles-no-1-assistant
11.- Changeling Courtship Rituals https://www.fimfiction.net/story/299781/changeling-courtship-rituals (love the audiobook on youtube)
12.- My Little Changeling: Friendship is Weird https://www.fimfiction.net/story/42862/my-little-changeling-friendship-is-weird
13.- The Maretian https://www.fimfiction.net/story/396744/the-maretian

I recommend text to speech for all of them.

[Black--Soul]

Don't read them 1 am in the morning...
The laughter is anoying the Neighborhood

[ultspideyfan]

I hope you feel better soon. And if writing on here helps, then by all means keep doing it. We're all here for ya. I pray things get better for you. Stay strong.

[PaintedPony]

I'm very sorry you're going through all that. Losing people is hard. Losing a bunch is even harder. It gets better, but it takes time. The more you loved them the longer it will take to heal. The wounds of the heart heal, but the scars remain. Eventually you can think and talk about them without pain or numbness and remember the good times and not the bad.

I think you're sharing because talking helps and seeing and reading that people care and have gone through similar situations and come through, battered, but not broken on the other side. You can do it and people care. About you. About one another. Take heart.

Also you've been sick. Illness in the body effects attitude and emotions. I hope you feel better soon and your road to recovery is swift and sure.

[EmptyPlotFiller]

5665080
I'm doing my best.

[EmptyPlotFiller]

5665129
I'll look into those stories when I have the time. I have a long road trip ahead of me soon, so probably then.

[EmptyPlotFiller]

5665187
I'm sure I'll get better in due time. Until then, I'm doing all that I can.

[EmptyPlotFiller]

5665565

I'm very sorry you're going through all that. Losing people is hard. Losing a bunch is even harder. It gets better, but it takes time. The more you loved them the longer it will take to heal. The wounds of the heart heal, but the scars remain. Eventually you can think and talk about them without pain or numbness and remember the good times and not the bad.

That was part of the original story. People remembering the good and knowing that with time the pain will subside. Or as Cerb told Benny about digging up graves and picking at the scabs; not to dwell on the painful aspects and regrets of those we've lost. But, at the same time, it's hard to move past it all.

I think you're sharing because talking helps and seeing and reading that people care and have gone through similar situations and come through, battered, but not broken on the other side. You can do it and people care. About you. About one another. Take heart.

I wanted my story to inspire others to be able to realize that they can move past their trauma. Unfortunately for me, new trauma keeps presenting itself... That is the battle I continue to face and struggle to move past.

Also you've been sick. Illness in the body effects attitude and emotions. I hope you feel better soon and your road to recovery is swift and sure.

I'm slowly starting to feel better, but the actual cause of my physical ailments have yet to be discovered... All in due time I suppose.

[Bronycommander]

5665736
we are all here for you