Hello everyone. I’m Feather Book and recently I’ve been helping several writers here on FimFiction to improve their writing. One common issue I’ve found that they suffer from is that they are not adhering to the age-old phrase “show, don’t tell.”

But what does it actually mean? And, how can you easily show rather than tell? In this brief guide, I’ll attempt to sum up how best to apply this to your story. Please note that I am in no ways an expert on such things and many of the points I provide could be debated. These are just my observations and I hope that you can learn from them.

First, let’s take a look at this short story snippet:

Twilight curiously followed the cupcakes to the barn where she opened the door and saw Pinkie Pie inside. Pinkie Pie was sitting in the middle of the dark barn. She was swaying back and forth, surrounded by cupcakes and her mane was down.

Twilight was scared and she knew that something was wrong. “Pinkie Pie, are you okay?” she asked.

Pinkie Pie slowly smiled at Twilight. “I am super-doper-okey-dokey!” she said happily. Pinkie Pie suddenly jumped up and ran to Twilight.

Twilight screamed.

Pinkie Pie’s mane proofed up as she hugged Twilight. A light suddenly turned on revealing all her friends. “Surprise!” they all cheered.

Twilight was surprised and happy.

Now, it is a bit of an extreme example, but what’s wrong with the above? It conveys what is happening well enough, but that’s all it does. There’s no details describing what things really look like. There’s no real emotion in the characters. There’s no sense of the fear, suspense and then happiness Twilight experiences. This is telling at it’s worse.

So, how do we fix it? Here are a few ways to do so:

1. Remove adverbs. Describe the adverb instead.

Adverbs are useful words; they let you precisely say how something is being done. How “Twilight curiously followed the cupcakes,” and how Pinkie Pie “happily” spoke. But these are also a curse. Many adverbs are just telling something that could be shown.

The sentence, “’I am super-doper-okey-dokey!’ Pinkie Pie said happily,” could be changed to show that Pinkie Pie is saying her words happily.

Pinkie Pie took in a deep gasp and then with a squeal of delight proclaimed, “I am super-doper-okey-dokey!”

Imagine how Pinkie Pie would say this in the show. Describe to us how she is saying it. She often takes deep gasps and then squeals her words out at high speed. We know that she’s happy and joyful when she does this, so by describing that way of speaking shows us the same thing.

2. Do not use words like is, has, am, are, was, etc.

By this I do not mean you should never use these words, they are very important words after all. What I mean is that when describing something it is often better to show the reader what those words are being used to say.

Twilight was scared and she knew that something was wrong.

In this sentence, we are being told that Twilight was scared. But how can we show that she’s was scared? Again, think back to how people or ponies act when they are scared. Describe to us the actions of being scared.

Twilight stood frozen in the doorway. She didn’t dare to get any closer. Her hooves trembled as her eyes remained fixated on Pinkie Pie’s own two cold, unblinking orbs. She gulped and with a shiver in her voice asked, “Pinkie Pie, are you okay?”

It’s not brilliant, but it does get the job done. We can see that she was scared because of how she trembles in place and focuses on the preserved danger.

3. Don’t say that they “know” or “remember” something. Show us!

This one is a bit more of a stretch. When a character knows or remembers something it’s often better to show us how they knew or remember that thing rather than just saying that did.

Twilight was scared and she knew that something was wrong.

Same sentence again. This time let’s focused on the last part. How did Twilight know that there was something wrong?

Pinkie Pie’s smile seemed forced and almost too unnatural, even for her. But it was her mane that unnerved Twilight the most. Pinkie Pie only let her mane down when she was upset, but Twilight had never seen her mane as dull and lifeless as it was now. If she’s that upset then why is she smiling like that? Twilight thought. A lone blue eye glinted in the moonlight as the other hid behind the lifeless pink strands. Twilight’s gaze was pulled deep within it as she attempted to discern any sense of emotion. All she saw was a cold yet hungry desire for something.

We never say that Twilight knew something is wrong. But we get a sense of wrongness from the paragraph. Twilight’s own thoughts reinforce that this is also go through her mind.

I also suggest expanding this to other words such as “loved,” and “hated.” Both can also be expressed in the same way as the above.

4. Use all 4 senses.

Despite being called showing, it is not all about showing a scene like a picture or a movie. Books can also engage all the other senses, so tell us not only how things look and sound but also how they feel, smell and even taste. Providing, of course, that it makes sense to do so. You don’t have to have your characters lick everything!

Pinkie Pie was sitting in the middle of the dark barn.

Let’s expand that a bit with extra senses:

The barn door squeaked loudly as the hefty lump of wood slowly swung open. The stench of dust and musty old hay assaulted Twilight’s nose. She reared back and held her breath for a moment before peeking into the darkness.

A single beam of moonlight shone down through a high up window, illuminating a lone figure against the engulfing darkness.

Here we describe the sound and the weight (touch) of the door opening. Then we describe the smell of the barn and show Twilight’s reaction to it. Finally, we describe what can be seen in the barn. All of this comes to paint a better picture of what is around Twilight.

5. Describe, describe, describe.

Perhaps you’ve already noticed it, but the above roles can be summarised as describe more. Describing specific, concrete details can help set the scene in a reader’s mind. It helps to draw them in and see more of the story.

In the short story above, Twilight travels to a barn. What kind of barn are you picturing in your head? Perhaps it’s a large red wooden barn, or maybe it’s smaller and made of metal. Either way, you can picture that one barn in whatever way your mind desires because there’s no details saying that you are wrong.

But by adding details you can cement the image in the reader’s mind:

The barn creaked in the gentle breeze that rustled the nearby apple trees. The red paint was flaking away to reveal the aged oak underneath. The structure towered over Twilight, blotting out the moon. Its large doors had warped with time, leaving the one on the right stuck in the ground and overlapping with the other. A thick rope was tied around a hook on the stuck door, but it fell to the damp dirt as the left door stood slightly ajar.

Not the best of paragraphs, but it does help to cement the barn in your mind. However, it is important to remember that you can describe too many details. I could have gone on to describe every inch of the barn and its surroundings, but I didn’t because the reader already had enough information to picture it in their mind. Too many details, especially unimportant ones, can bog down the story.

In conclusion

Take a sentence that tells. Expand out the telling part of it and describe the details that make up the sentence. Remember to set the scene in the reader’s head with a few concrete details, engage all the senses when possible and try not to take shortcuts.

But remember there are times when telling is the only way to say something, and these are okay when used correctly. Only through practice will you get better at showing and knowing when to tell.

Also, don’t take the above as concrete rules. This is merely a guide of suggestions that you can use to improve your writing.

If anyone else has any hits or suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Homework

If you want, you can take the above story segment, or any other part of a story that tells, and then rewrite it below in a way that shows. I’ll try my best to give feedback on it.

I hope you found this useful. Enjoy your writing!

6057959
Really, the adage should be "show AND tell." The trick is using each where appropriate. Too much showing and the story gets bogged down by excessive unnecessary detail which distracts the reader from the narrative. Too much telling and the story is bland and emotionless. One example of when it's okay and even better to tell than show is traveling long distances (so long as you've already described the scenery) because showing in this case will make things drag on. Telling is also good in places where you're going back and forth between locations. If you've already recently described what the place looks like, then get right to the meat of why the character(s) is(are) there!

Something to note about showing: through the senses of the PoV character. Do not give us the thoughts of other characters because that's a pov jump and it's very jarring (this is workable if the current pov character is psychic, but that's a technical aspect for another day). Show other characters with expressions and body language. (If you must change pov to a different character, that's best done with scene breaks, and it needs to be a full and completely separate scene than the one you left)

Another note: dialogue is showing! If you're having trouble showing something with exposition, try restructuring the paragraph so that the character will have a line or two to speak.

Shoot for a balance of showing and telling and learning where each is appropriate. Happy writing!

6057998
Thanks for mentioning those points. I should have mentioned them, but it was getting a bit long as it was.

As for your comment on PoV characters, yes PoV jumping is very jarring and shouldn't be done. But if you do change PoV with a scene brake, make sure it's into a different scene otherwise it can be just as jarring.

Alternatively, if you want to show the inner thoughts of multiple characters at the same time, then write in the third-person omniscient viewpoint. But that's a whole other guide for another time.

6058040
Personally I try to keep meta with a character's thoughts to just the current pov, as too many in the same scene might be overwhelming and hard to follow who's thinking what, but that's just me.

6058087
Sure. Which one? If it's in the under review folder, I'll review it too. But you'll have to wait a bit until I do so.

6058125
I've started looking at your story Xanthippe and Silga's Adventures. I'll get the review finished tomorrow along with my thoughts about the story. But can you do something for me in the meantime? Take the first two paragraphs of the story and using what I've written here try to rewrite it showing the same information rather then telling. Either PM it to me or post it here and I'll let you know what I think in a few hours.

Here's some hints: How do we know she is relaxing? How do we know it's her home without saying it is? How do we know she just moved there annd why without being told?

Hi my name is ArtistFire and I what to learn how to become a better writer .

6103329, I know you do. I've gave you some tips for one of your stories in the past. Can you recognise what you're doing wrong?

6111829
I can't recognize what I'm doing wrong.

6118944
Are you sure? I ask because I've seen the comments your stories get, including one of mine (although my own comment wasn't the best written one I've done) and many of them point out where you are going wrong, or at least the general area where you should improve on. You even reply to many with words like "ok" which suggest.

Here are the suggestions I made when I first commented on one of your stories:

1. Learn the difference between Showing and Telling.
2. Put detail into describing what is going on and how characters are acting.
3. Think of how the characters would realistically talk and react.
4. Remember the promises you've made and keep to them.
5. Most important of all. Read stories, recognise what they are doing and how they are doing it.

Have you attempted to do any of these?

6119058
No, I haven't tried what you suggested

6119803
Okay, so form thread is a guide on "show; don't tell" and I can tell you from what I have read of your stories you really need to work on improving that.

Here's the first two paragraphs of one of your stories:

It was a nice summer evening in Ponyville. A blue filly with a white mane and grey eyes was sitting on a couch she was afraid to get down from the couch by herself, Cumulus was born blind.

"Mom I need your help" the filly called from the living room. Rainbow Dash was cooking dinner in the kitchen. She could smell the food that was cooking on the stove in the kitchen, Rainbow Dsah is a simple mom so Cumulus has no father.

This one sentence is full of telling. You tell us the time and weather, you tell us what the filly looks like, you tell us that she was afraid to get down, and you tell us she was born blind. It's all tell. It's boring and it doesn't do anything to draw in a reader.

Here's a quick rewrite I did:

Cumulus lay in the gentle warmth of the evening sunlight. At least, she thought it was evening. The sun only shines on the couch as it is setting and she could hear her mother in the kitchen. Her ears twitched at the sound of clanging of pots and pans as the smell of roasting carrots wafted by her nose. She smiled as her stomach rumbled.

Carefully, she slid a hoof out over the plush surface. When it reached the edge she paused before pulling herself back into a tight ball, pressed up against the protective grove at the back of the couch. "M-Mom?" she called "I need your help."

It's not that good, but can you see the difference? Refer to what I have written up above if you need help. Let me know what differences you can see, then I want you to give it a go with any other part of any of your stories.

If you want to learn how to be a better writer, you have to work for it.

6120029
I understand what you mean

6120033
I've giving you some time to think it over, so have you now done what I suggested? Do you have some answers? It doesn't matter if they're bad nor not, it is all helping you understand how to be a better writer.

6126901
Yeah I have some answers

6126902
Do you want to share them, perhaps?

6126909
No thanks

6057959
Huh. I'm the group leader and even I'm guilty of some of this. I'll keep this stuff in mind if I ever start writing again. Thanks.

6131183
It's fine. Even I'm still guilty of this at times.