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Chatoyance
Infernity Zero
palaikai
Akashic Brony

First review written for Chatoyance.

Sorry it took so long, but as promised i got around to reading this. Let me open by thanking you for putting this in my group to be read.

So I have occasionally heard of this " Conversion Bureau" in passing before. I have even had the basic premise explained to me, and never really had it spark my interest. I mean, there are tons of 'verses in this fandom, with all kinds of crazy premises. Simply being large and/or popular doesn't a good 'verse make, and even if the 'verse is good, individual stories within it can easily suck. Understandably I think, I went into this story with some reservation, expecting it to be more boring crap much like the Fallout Equestria stories, or more generic HiE drek that floods the place.

So within the first few lines of this story I found myself hooked and interested. Anyone who hasn't read this story yet, please do so and take notes if you're an aspiring author yourself. There is a surprisingly large amount of information that is put on the reader's lap in this story, but it is done the right way. We're given the world of post-collapse earth, and allowed to see it and experience it. Characters don't just tell us stuff for no reason, but the fact that we're there has us learn how this world works, the way people in it live, and we know the basic world situation pretty easily. Other things, like how the conversion serum works, are explained to us as important information without feeling out of place. All in all a rather beautiful piece of worldbuilding.

Another strong point of this story is the cast of characters. Many of them are throw away nobodies that we see briefly, then never hear from again nor care about. People like Robert flare brightly on-screen then are gone. They're interesting for that short time, but don't steal the show. Other characters like Carmen leave you wondering what sort of stories can be told in this world. Still others stick around longer, and you grow to like and care about them. I was genuinely concerned for Alexi's fate. I empathize with Dr. Pastern, the main character. They feel like real people, even if they can be identified after fairly basic stereotypes, they each have their own unique little quirks to them and manage to feel unique and original.

If there were any grammar or technical flaws, I didn't notice them. There are good stories that are hamstrung by such things, and this story is not one of those. Everything was smooth and easy to read, and immersion was not disrupted ever by anything in the text. Though if I were to nitpick slightly, I think the inclusion of the title (especially the large font for the 27) for every chapter could easily be omitted.

There are a few big flaws to the story however. As I mentioned above, Carmen's story sort of leaves off and I'm left off wondering what became of her. In the end, I kept expecting some sort of continuation of her plotline, and it never came. Similarly, a main plotline that was sort of kind of resolved with Alexi feels a bit dropped as well. Alexi's plotline involves his being a marked man by his black market contact due to a deal he made with them. A different plotline results in him becoming converted into a pony and he leaves for Equestria, but the threat of this black market contact is implied that they would attack the clinic with or without him there... so it feels like an unresolved thread

The only remaining issue I have with the story is that I don't really follow Dr. Pastern's reluctance to convert herself. At first it seemed like she wants to do as much good as possible, but but all she really does in terms of "Doctor" duties on a day to day basis is administer anesthetic, which could be done by a PA. Indeed with the increased serum production at the end, I imagine a lot more conversions will be done by assistants, simply overseen by doctors. Only weird cases would need an actual doctor around, like Ryan's case. I'm not really sold that she is all that needed, other than she has convinced herself of it. As far as atoning for her past, again it seems like conversion itself would solve that in the most efficient way possible. It seems like she was left human to facilitate more stories in the verse starring her, rather than real character depth or anything of that sort. It comes across a bit cheap in the end, I feel.

Caprice was a Mary Sue character. Her entire presence from introduction to end felt weird and forced through. I kept expecting her wealthy background to somehow play a part in Alexi's (dropped) plotline, but in the end nothing really came of it. Unlike the others in the story, her background was never explored or explained, and it stood out all the more for it. The story arcs involving Ryan, Logan, and Elijah were far more interesting, indeed even Carmen's was more interesting simply because they had well-developed pasts, relatable motivations, and their conversions made sense. Caprice just sort of...happened, and a lot of other potentially interesting things were forcibly resolved with the Caprice hammer. Baby crying? Caprice shows up and displays motherly instinct and fixes the problem. Little pregnant girl is upset, Caprice soothes her. She wasn't really so much a character as plot-bandaid.

Those aside, the plotlines that were central to this story and seen to full were overall interesting. The dramatic climax of the tale was built up well, and was full of tension in a way many stories lack. Despite the flaws I pointed out, it was still an enjoyable read and served its purpose as entertainment quite well.

Author response

Thank you for a wonderful post and analysis! Thank you for reading 27 Ounces!

The issue of Caprice is bigger than one novel. All the answers you seek, the missing bits about her, are explored completely and thoroughly in the sequel to 27 Ounces, 'The Taste Of Grass, and also in 'Going Pony' - the latter book bringing the story of Caprice full circle to total completion.

My Conversion Bureau novels all interlock into a single, unified mega-work, a self-consistent universe where every book and story references and informs all of the others. I think you would find, if you were to read the sequel Taste Of Grass (and Going Pony), that Caprice is anything but a Mary-Sue. I think you might even be quite surprised by her saga, interwoven through these other two books.

There is, also, more about Alexi in other works, and indeed, Dr. Pastern too, especially in 'Recombinant 63' and 'Euphrosyne Unchained'. Basically, all of your unanswered questions and concerns? The answers do await you.

Except for Carmen. That story does indeed end there. That's a fair cop.

Thank you again for reading 27 Ounces, and for such an extensive statement of your thoughts and feelings about the story!

Interaction was amicable.

Second review written for Chatoyance.

After a bit of a hiatus from attending my reading stockpile, I decided to chip a few out of the overfull folders and gave priority to the self-submit section.

So far my experience with TCB has been strictly the writings of Chatoyance, so I'm not overly familiar, but not entirely clueless. While there is certainly a high amount of detail in this 'verse, it certainly isn't one that I particularly enjoy. It has elements I sort of like, such as the depiction of utter bliss post-conversion recipients have, along with the dream in which they get to meet the princesses that often crops up in the stories. But those little bits of enjoyable involve a whole lot of nastiness, a lot of really uncomfortable morals and ethics, and a depressing and dreary setting.

And that all is just the setting.

So, on to this specific story. As usual, the technical side of things stand out. Chatoyance certainly has an excellent grasp of the language and does a great job of painting imagery and characters. This skill carries over between all the stories I've read of his so far. Even though a whole lot of world-specific information is thrown out, such as names of places, organizations, and objects/technology, we're never really bogged down with exposition. Even if I don't know exactly what plascrete is or where/what the Tacksworn Corporation is, the names are evocative of the setting, and the characters make use of the terms in a way that convinces me that they understand these things and are familiar with them. All in all, it is fairly easy to immerse into the story.

Now, normally I make use of the technical assessment as a sort of transition between the positive things and the negative things I have to say about a story when I review it. In this case I have to reasons for breaking that patterns. The first is that the technical aspects are very much a positive thing to say about this story, and the other is that there are no other positive things to say about the story to transition from.

So another aspect of these stories is that while minor characters are handled well and made generally memorable and feel real and unique, this story, like 27 Ounces, suffers from an overload of characters. We're already following primarily the protagonists, and we're traipsed along through random people and ponies who are used sometimes for only one scene, then never heard from again. Several of them are presented as being important, but end up not mattering hardly at all.

Another parallel to 27 Ounces is that the main protagonist, Ginger, is a human who wants to convert, probably should convert, has ready access to the means to convert, and even has other characters in the story trying to encourage him to convert. Yet, like the Doctor in 27 Ounces, he holds back. at least in this story he does convert at the end.

In contrast, where 27 Ounces presents ponification as a desirable thing in high demand, but supply of conversion potion is limited, this story has conversion potion so common that the protagonists can get a hold of gallons of the stuff. The justification for this is of course that years have gone by, and supply was already being ramped up at the end of 27 Ounces. I'm not bringing this up to say it is not believable, but that it changes the character of the setting substantially.

Which brings us up to what I find actually negative about the story. I'd like to say that I do enjoy dark comedy. I enjoy the likes of Monty Python, and after mulling over the conversation I noticed in the comments section, it took me some time to really identify what the problem really is. I admit there are silly things in this story. I admit that Ginger is a rather silly man. The subject is rather dark, and it is being treated in a lighthearted and even absurd way, so the invocation of Monty Python is a fair one to bring up.

The difference though is that the dark topics Monty Python renders in silly fashion are real things. People die. People suffer poverty. There are plagues and the like. Monty Python doesn't make fun of the suffering of these miserable things, the skits are getting us to smile and look on the brighter side of life. That is what dark comedy is for. When things are too horrible to really properly handle, we laugh and find a way to go on anyway.

Where this story fails is that the "bad stuff" in the story is pretty heavily removed from reality. While the highly competent and immersive writing talent help a lot, it is still a very fictional world, and the actual horror of the acts being done is on the abstract side. Taking away free agency of others and forcing permanent transformation upon them is indeed fairly horrific, but isn't directly relatable. It is somewhat akin to murder except the victims very much live afterwards. It is somewhat akin to rape except for not being sexual, performed in malice, or done as an attempt to assert dominance over others or any of the truly icky things that make rape bad beyond the lack of consent. Indeed, the fact that the transformation is entirely painless, pleasant even, and results in not only happiness in the "victims" but, as the PER believes, grants the "victims" more opportunity at life as a result, the overall "badness" of the activity is really rendered highly abstract and philosophical. Yes it is wrong to remove agency of others like this, but it feels a lot closer to the debate on whether or not people should be forced to vaccinate their kids (they should) or be allowed to refuse.

With that underlying problem festering through the whole story, the comedy just overall falls flat. NoMoreSanity was right, though I think he missed the key point I described. Derpmind seemed to have picked up on it, but was not blunt enough with it.

I think you'd be better off reading anything else at this point. I can't teach you the Relativity of Funny.

This response of yours to NoMoreSanity is really uncalled for. He was right, you are wrong. While some people got a few laughs out of your story, it was badly done comedy. It was mangled dark comedy.

On to the protagonists.

Like most of your minor characters, Ginger and Nutmeg did feel somewhat like real people. Unfortunately we ended up getting to spend just enough time with them for me to notice some odd bits of behavior and such that this stopped being true. Your flat supporting characters are just distinct enough to feel real, then shuffled off out of sight before any scrutiny can really take place. Ginger and Nutmeg though get that scrutiny.

I'm reminded of a horror movie that I thoroughly disliked, Jeepers Creepers. In that movie, our protagonists (a brother and sister) have their back and forth between each other, go through the events of the movie, bad stuff happens, and the movie has it's plot and ending. In both the movie and your story, I found myself unable to relate to the protagonists. A good, gripping, and moving story gets you to sympathize with the protagonist, even if they're seen as a villain by the setting. Even if you don't agree with them, the story will get you to understand and believe their decisions and motivations. Like the siblings in Jeepers Creepers, I not only didn't especially care for Ginger and Nutmeg, I actively disliked them and didn't want to see them succeed/survive.

I can't honestly comment on the plot of the story. I read the first chapter. I scrolled through chapters to see the score at the bottom out of morbid curiosity. I would have just skipped to the end right away, but was mildly intrigued by the sudden jump from single-digit scores to 99 each in the appropriate chapter, so read that one. I then flipped through all the other chapters, noticing that (as predicted in both the comments and by me mentally) that score of 99 stuck until the end. I then read the end, and saw evidence that "shit happened."

While I didn't read the whole thing, I read more of it than I otherwise would have. Normally with a story this abysmal I would not bother past the first chapter. That I did read more confirmed for me that while maybe the plot could be vaguely interesting enough to read the whole story, the characters and attempts at comedy just ruin the entire thing and I'd be better off simply reading something else.

It certainly earned it's downvote.

Author Response

A Short Review of Your Review:

(Done, just a bit, in your own style, for shits and giggles. Enjoy.)

Also - I just had a ball with your 'review' above. I had so much fun reading it, that you win... my personal attention! Congratulations!

"I think you'd be better off reading anything else at this point. I can't teach you the Relativity of Funny."

This response of yours to NoMoreSanity is really uncalled for. He was right, you are wrong. While some people got a few laughs out of your story, it was badly done comedy. It was mangled dark comedy.

It's funny you should invoke Monty Python, as the now classic comedy group was, when new, repeatedly decried as vile, despicable, utterly devoid of humor, disgusting simply for the sake of shock alone, and completely hateful.

Then, you command me to accept that humor is an absolute, and not relative to time, place, situation and audience. You tell me that I am wrong in saying that humor is not absolute nor universal. In the end, the only information you have to offer, though, is that you, personally, did not find the story funny.

I accept that. You didn't find it funny. Just like a hell of a lot of people utterly hated and loathed Monty Python, who they did not find the least bit funny.

In future reviews, you may find that you can retain something akin to credibility if you can refrain from making absolutist statements about things few people ever agree on. It makes you look very incompetent as a critic.

Also, using self-contradicting evidence? Kind of, well, useless, really. Clueless, certainly. But then... you don't actually know the history of Monty Python, do you? No, you don't.

I can't honestly comment on the plot of the story. I read the first chapter. I scrolled through chapters to see the score at the bottom out of morbid curiosity. I would have just skipped to the end right away, but was mildly intrigued by the sudden jump from single-digit scores to 99 each in the appropriate chapter, so read that one.

So, basically, you did not actually read the story. You read the first chapter, skimmed most of it, and read one other chapter. From this bit of aimless flipping about, you present a commentary as if you were knowledgeable, authoritarian, and superior in every respect. You set yourself up as a pundit, but your conclusions are, at best, guesswork, inference and outright invention.

I have found my own comedy, and that comedy is, well, you.

Goodness, but you are a pretentious authoritarian. I hope you don't do your grade-school papers this way... teachers can see through this sort of bull, you know. The only reason you can get away with it is because most teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Oh, and don't think I didn't notice you trying to hide your empty negativity behind the careful appearance of rationality and generosity.

The first is that the technical aspects are very much a positive thing to say about this story, and the other is that there are no other positive things to say about the story to transition from.

That is the oldest trick to childish insults - make sure you toss in something complimentary... anything, even if you have to make it up... before you start lashing out. The notion is that this makes you seem reasonable before shitting all over someone. Funny thing is? Totally transparent. Everybody over the age of 25 knows this trick. It never works after that.

If you are going to insult someone, don't even bother with pretending you aren't. It just makes you look like an ass. Instead, just insult them. That attempt to hide yourself? Pathetic. Truly. Avoid this trap.

Don't try to couch your hate in a fancy review. Stop trying to be clever - you don't have the chops for it. It's clear and obvious that you don't even know why you 'dislike' this story you haven't even read. You just wanted to trash me, to put me down, to tell me you think I suck for no reason at all, just because that is what you have arbitrarily decided. You have no basis... well, now you sort of do, I'm not being nice. Unless you have some capacity for maturity, of course. Then you might realize your mistake. I'm not counting on it.

If you are going to arbitrarily dislike something for no reason, just get straight to the mindless insults.

This pretending to 'review' something... it's pathetic. It truly, deeply is. It makes you look bad. It makes me laugh.

Be true to your own ignorance. Just insult mindlessly, when you have no reason to be insulting! If you are going to shit, shit. Don't pretend intellectuality. Just... shit.

Where this story fails is that the "bad stuff" in the story is pretty heavily removed from reality. While the highly competent and immersive writing talent help a lot, it is still a very fictional world, and the actual horror of the acts being done is on the abstract side.

Yeaaaah. That... sort of happens... in science fiction and fantasy. It's kind of expected, actually. Not a lot of magic spells and dragons in reality, you know. You... do know that, right? You comprehend the difference between fantasy and reality, don't you? Don't you?

I'm starting to feel bad. Maybe you are mentally or emotionally handicapped, in the real world, and not just a sad ridiculous bastard. If that is the case, and I mean this for real - if you are actually someone who suffers from mental illness or retardation, I will retract this response to you and delete your post too. I don't want to cause you any suffering even if that was your intent to me, if you are genuinely damaged. If so, write to my email and say you are sorry, and that this is the case, and it will be done. Are we clear on this? Moving on -

I'm going to leave your post up, because it is easily the worst review of a story of mine I have ever seen. It's fantastic! You didn't read the novel, yet you have utterly absolute opinions as if you were the greatest authority. It truly is a masterclass in failed trashing.

Please don't delete your review - I want to have proof of the sort of truly infantile, idiotic, self absorbed, pretentious and hateful crap I have to put up with regularly. This isn't the best example shoved at me, but it does tick off a lot of the standard boxes of what not to do, and in that way... it is actually instructive.

Most of the cowards who annoyed me in the past deleted their own stuff, to hide what they were doing. Don't be a coward. Leave this utterly magnificent piece of self-immolation up, okay?

Wow. 10/10. Would watch "reviewer" fail again.

Retained quote tags for clarity, but I didn't attempt to recreate italics, bolds, coloring, or other spot formatting Chatoyance used to emphasize or indicate specific things.

Overall interaction was hostile, and resulted in my being blocked so he/she could have the last word.

You honestly don't comprehend that a negative review of something you admit to not even reading is insulting?

Seriously? You don't grasp that you cannot review something you have not read?

And that if you just say awful things, based on ignorance, it is rude and insulting? You don't 'get' that?

I wash my hands.

4152231

You honestly don't comprehend that a negative review of something you admit to not even reading is insulting?

Seriously? You don't grasp that you cannot review something you have not read?

And that if you just say awful things, based on ignorance, it is rude and insulting? You don't 'get' that?

I wash my hands.

Also preserved to safeguard against deletions.

4152231
linky

I truly feel bad now. Cryosite, above, appears to honestly does not understand that negatively reviewing something that he has not actually read is insulting.

He does not comprehend that such a thing is an attack based on ignorance, and that it is inappropriate behavior. He honestly does not grasp this. He can't see that it would hurt anyone. Or even that it makes no logical sense to review something he is ignorant about.

I have torn down someone too stupid to understand why he caused anger or insult. Probably. Maybe.

Or maybe he's autistic, or developmentally disabled. I don't want to point out the deficiencies of someone legitimately compromised!

I have very conflicted feelings about this interaction.

Archived.

So normally when person A blocks person B, it is because the wish to cease communication with person B. Despite having blocked me, Chatoyance appears to not wish that, and I am honestly confused what his/her intentions are. I don't know why he/she felt it necessary to tag me so I'd be notified of another response in the comments of his/her own story when, due to the block, I am not able to respond to them. But it does seem like an invitation to hold a conversation.

Chatoyance, if you are not done discussing this, rejoin the group and post here. Or, in the meantime, you can continue to look incredibly childish. I know I'm not the only one laughing here. By all means, do as you wish. Be an entertainer as long as you like.

On topic, under the assumption that you do wish to continue the conversation despite being an immature little brat about it:

First and foremost, you are acting supremely entitled. You seem to have this idea that I, or anyone for the matter, owes you anything. That we're supposed to read your entire story. Newsflash, no one owes you that. No one owes you even one word read. That I read anything at all is something you need to be thankful for, as you should be for any and all your readers.

Second, you came to my group, put your story in my folder, with the understanding that I would, on my time, read it and possibly give you feedback. You don't get to complain about the quality of the feedback. You don't get to decide that it isn't good enough for your standards. You paid nothing for it, and no promise was made that it would be kind, complete, or objective. No promise was made that you would get any feedback at all for the matter.

I made note of what my understanding level of the story was in the review. I noted my level of familiarity with the setting, with your works, and with the story in particular. You and anyone reading my review can see full well that I did not read the complete story, and weight my opinion on the subject accordingly. I criticized only what I read, and if I assumed anything, I listed it as an assumption.

Your reaction to it is your concern, not mine. You are free to choose to be insulted by anything you want. If you don't want the review I wrote to be on the comments section of your story, feel free to delete it. As you can see, I've kept my own copy for my own use. While I am tempted to edit it slightly, because I notice some spelling errors and other stupid things in it, I'm leaving it as is. It is mine to show to whom I please, and I am perfectly content to let others form whatever opinion they like on the validity of the review, as well as the responses you've made to it publicly.

If, on the other hand, you wish to not continue the conversation, then stop making comments/posts/whatever that give me notifications. Do you wish to grow up and act like someone your age, or do we need to get the teachers involved?

Zero Blogs Criticism
Zero Blogs Plagiarism
Zero Blogs TV Tropes Part 1

>> Cryosite I don't see that happening in the near future. I suggest trying to find a way to mute the feed instead.

Apparently deletes reviews that are not positive.