Patricidium

By: StalkerPony

Reviewers Tags: Dark, Rape, Light Gore.

Whew, this one took me a while to get through. Life is catching up with me so I had little time to read stories in detail. Now I have finished! I would first like to apologize to StalkerPony for me taking so long, Now without farther ado, I shall start.

I don't have a commentary, since my reading was far and apart. But I will share my personal thoughts at the end.

Here is the Description:

A lone stallion wakes up in an empty hospital without any recollection of how or why he ended up there. Tied to several medical machines, the stallion cries for help, bu no answer is heard. Something is wrong with the world, and perhaps he will never get out of this new hell he's found himself in..

If that does not get your attention, I don't know what will.

So, let me start with sharing a little of what the story is. There will be light spoilers, but I won't give any major ones... simply because the story is so glorious that I just don't want to ruin the fun for those interested.

You have the main character, its kind of hard to be called a protagonist, but this is who the story revolves around. His name? Lightning Quill.

The story starts off with the pony waking up to what seems to be a hospital, yet something is clearly wrong. He cant see very well, because its dark. Then He soon realizes that everything around him is gross and vile. Just imagine a hospital that is paved with moss and mold; that's what he woke up in.

The story progresses with terror after terror, each more terrible then the last. When we say Lightning is in "Hell" that is an understatement.

The chapters go back and forth between Lightning's current position to events in his past. Now the story says its Rated Mature for Sex. and Gore... but really its not like reading a clop story at all. In fact, the "sex" tag is because of rape. The scene where that happens is so well done, that it literally makes you feel mad, disgusted and sad at the same time. You don't realize what is happening at first because the description is full, but vague; relying on the readers intuition and imagination. I love that.

I really have a hard time finding things to correct or point out in error... the story was that well done.

If you want to find out more, just read the story. It is one of the most dark and gruesome stories I have ever read.

I have one question though, there was a part of the story where Luna was ruling Equestia with a human at her side? Is there another story on that?

Narrative 10/10

Grammar

Let me start off and say the grammar in this story was quite smooth. I found very few errors, and the ones I did find where small and any intelligent reader should be able to tell what was being shared. Those mistakes could be found here and there as incomplete words that don't match the situation. Like a slipped up "he", when it was meant to be a "she" and visa versa. Other then that, punctuation was spot on, and sentence length seemed to be correct.

Grammar is... 9/10

The style of this story is very descriptive, which is good for me because otherwise I would not understand the point of the story. Each word is placed to give you a sense of unease and a dose of fright and sickened stomach. The mood is very dark, and places the reader into the mind of the pony in question- Lightning Quill.

What I loved about this story is that each chapter left you with a question of "What is going on?" and those questions were not sent by means of confusion but of strategic outlay. It was neat to read through a story that got progressively worse but in a smooth and collective manner. The story was also well done in Show VS. Tell.

One of the down sides of this story is that despite with its well written and collective approach... it is not an easy read. It is on the Advance Scale to me, and is so well done that if you are looking for some light reading you will get lost in this story. Do note that it is rated Mature, and is one of the best Mature rated stories I have ever read! Still though, with the initial rating, it is also written in a mature manner; meaning that it was written with skill and not at all an Amateur story. This is where most readers will be lost, though its for the best because this story is not meant for those readers.

Style-) 8/10

Am going to only talk about one character, since this is only a solo story for the most part.

Lightning Quill is a Stallion about 20 years old, and he has a very rough past. So rough, that you would say all his actions are justified. He literally hates himself and blames himself for everything that went wrong. As we get to know his thought process, we get to know Lightning more each chapter. It also makes us think if things like this happen in real life. Any person who suffers from depression or any for of PTSD will be able to relate to Lighting Quill.

Other characters in the story are well done, but are either spoiler level, or not important to discuss here. I will say this though, each character is played out with accurate execution.

Hiving found no Inconsistencies with Character, I give it a 10/10

The story kind of revolves around a looping nightmare that has been done before. Guilt ridden anger... What I would like to address though is how this story was done. A concept is simple, and may have been done before. This story however takes it to another level. Something you do see from time to time... but really don't notice. This story takes that and rubs it in your face. Since I have read stories like this before I would give it a 5/10... however this story was so well done and executed that I have to give it a 7/10

Final

Narrative- 10/10
Grammar- 9/10
Style- 8/10
Character- 10/10
Originality- 7/10

Score- 44/50

My Personal Thoughts:

{SALT}: The biggest issue I had with this story was how it hooked me in. for the first few chapters I had to force myself to read it. Then I started getting into it and wanting more. I don't know if this was because of my ADD or my massive headaches as of late, all I know is that there was a wall I needed to knock down whenever I came acrossed needing to read this story. It might be just me, but that was my largest issue I had with it.

{SUGAR}: What was great about this story was just how in depth everything was. So much detail and just a great read all together. Despite my struggles, I have no regrets reading this story, if anything I have more gratitude that I even had a chance to read it. I will recommend this story to all who love a great dark story about life struggles.

Well done StalkerPony! Well done! Least to say I am looking forward to reading more of your work.

My Rating.

3061317 Just one quick thing before I get to thanking you on my knees:

I have one question though, there was a part of the story where Luna was ruling Equestria with a human at her side? Is there another story on that?

Yes, that would be my first story, Dust to dust. I never put it or any of the other HiE stories in this group because 1: Dust to dust is horribly paragraphed, and 2: the others still aren't completed. The whole HiE arc is my "main" story, with several side stories set in the same universe and time-span, Patricidium included.

So, now... I can't begin to tell you how happy this made me! I've never had anyone say anything quite like this about my work before, nor in such a professional way. You, sir, deserve a hug and another thank you!

3061398
You sir, are very welcome

3061673 PCaRG

Giving great reviews, and receiving hugs from writers since 2014.

lol nice Mr. Flare, I shall update the review counter at once!

I was pleasantly surprised to see this story reviewed, and quite pleased as well, for Among the thousands of writers on this site, StalkerPony is one I consider to be a good friend and an excellent writer.

On a side note, I would like to point out that English is not his first language, where as he's Swedish. This just adds to the awesomeness in my book that his English skills are so well refined.

3061398 At some point, I think we should get together and see about correcting the formatting of Dust to Dust. The story told there is so incredible, that even with the poor formatting, (which, I believe had something to do with the writing program you used if I remember correctly? If I am incorrect, please inform me) it drew me in and did not let go until I got to the end.

You, good Sir, are an INCREDIBLE writer of dark fiction.

3061857 I actually am working as often as I can on the formatting, but it takes a lot of time. Since it was written on a crappy computrons notepad, it spans around 400 pages in Word. As of now, I've edited 69 pages, which has narrowed it all down to just a little over 200 pages overall.. it takes time to do on my own, but I haven't asked anyone else for help because I don't really want to be a burden. Not to mention that everyone seems to work with Google docs or whatever it's called, and for some reason I despise everything about Google, Google+ and all that.. something about it just makes me avoid it, so I haven't been able to work with anyone else.

3061997 And I do just about all my work in Gdocs...

Great review, you make me want to read this now. I have very few mature stories in my favourites.
Just one thing:

Lightning Dust is a Stallion about 20 years old, and he has a very rough past. So rough, that you would say all his actions are justified. He literally hates himself and blames himself for everything that went wrong. As we get to know his thought process, we get to know Lightning more each chapter. It also makes us think if things like this happen in real life. Any person who suffers from depression or any for of PTSD will be able to relate to Lighting Quill.

Lightning Dust is a Stallion about 20 years old, and he has a very rough past.

Lightning Dust is a Stallion about 20 years old

Lightning Dust is a Stallion

Lightning Dust

Whoops?

3064840
Whoops in deed!

OK, fixed