First off, apologies for taking so long with the review. Been sick and harvest has been a real struggle this year. I finished reading what I wanted to for the review before I took an afternoon/evening nap and thought I’d get this out before heading back out to pull more sugarbeets out of the ground.

Name of Story: A Nightmare in Eidolon (5 chapters), by FolkloreBrony

Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 8

Not much wrong in this. See below.

Pros (list three pros):

1. I really liked Nyx’s characterization. She really seems like a stereotypical, fictional teenager, complete with eating cereal made with coffee in a daze, for starters.

2. Changes in “scenery” are done well. These flow well and I had a fairly easy time following them. It’s amazing to me how often I read something and suddenly realize I’m “not where I thought I was” because I missed a subtle transition.

3. When the pacing was good it was great. I don’t mind something that takes a little time to get through and to get into when it rewards you. Writers are too often in a hurry to give the care and attention to this.

Cons (list three cons):

1. The misuse of commas was jarring when it occurred to use a strong word and stood out enough to make a point of it. I’m bad with comma-usage but can still point out some errors. I don’t need great and complete perfection in comma-usage but missing them where they need to go and putting them where they’re not needed can really mess with the flow. I think it got better as the story went on; it was more notable earlier. Also, I read the first chapters much earlier than Chapters 2, 3, and 4 and haven’t gone back to look, but think the author must have gone back to do some editing (always good to improve on things when possible; I’m working on fixing a story now).

2. Some details were unnecessary. I know Spike can cook, for an early example, but the highly detailed account of him cooking breakfast was overkill. Some events in the story are very well-detailed—in a good way—while others suffer a lack of detail. I don’t think I’m the best to give advice on the subject, but it’s best to be detailed to the point one isn’t pulled off on a tangent. Some descriptions are so wordy they distract from the events happening. Use a level of detail indicative of the importance of something. If one wants readers to focus on something, pull them in. If not, give us a glance.

3. Some passages and events lack a certain poetry. By that I mean things are stated too plainly and they lack an off-handed, Dadaistic flare. Considering the setting of the story and its zany possibilities, going for some hyperbole is absolutely needed.

You don’t need to go for extremes, but I oftentimes do, personally.

To use a couple examples I often cite…

Instead of saying “he threw up”, say “he executed the Technicolor® yawn”.

Instead of saying “he had bad breath”, say “his breath stunk, as if he’d eaten a bowl of maggots”.

But don’t listen to me on the matter, especially. This is Wonderland, not an army barracks where we use air-slingshots to launch egg-farts into each other’s faces from 30 feet away.

You need a balance of “plainly stated” and “…what…?!”.

Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section):

Apologies for shorter explanations in the “pros” section compared with the “cons” section. There’s just less to say when things go swimmingly.

The site’s robot voice is awful, but it’s how I check my own work before I submit. If the author doesn’t, it’s a good idea to either listen with the audio or do the old “reading out loud” thing. We pick up on things when we voice or hear words better than when reading them silently. The brain makes little jumps and connections to bridge gaps we don’t even realize exist; it’s just how the brain is wired, so it’s easy to miss things that are awkward or incorrect. Pre-readers and editors are great, but I like to do this step myself, personally.

Only reading through Chapter 4 (“fifth” chapter), I feel like I don’t really know Nyx. I know she’s a teenager with friends and concerns of that age, but I don’t know what makes her tick. Based on what I’ve heard and glanced off others, we learn a lot more just past this.

I don’t understand the world of Wonderland well. But I’ve also never been interested in Lewis Carrol material; I’m sure I’m missing things. Some things could be better explained for those of us not well versed in his work. This ties in with my issue about details.

I was interested in this story from the time Nyx first had her questionable breakfast in the prelude. I wish I’d waited for the audiobook so I could read along with that instead of that God-awful robot voice. Think it’ll be fun as I continue the story. I may even wait for Chapters 5 and later before continuing to read. I do spend a lot of time behind the wheel of a tractor so I might re-listen with the audiobook chapters. I’ve already cycled through my iPod one-and-a-half times.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: The Virgin Company (four or five chapters, perhaps)