Okay, okay, okay. Everyone! Gather around! This is the thread made entirely for the purpose of Critiquing/Reviewing the stories that were put into the 'Stuff you want Read' folder that I put up there for some reason. It's not a requirement, but it's there. If you want to request one, request one. If you want to post one, post one. You know, basic forumy stuff. Let's become a real thing, because it'd be hilarious if we did. Love you all. Hugs and kisses. Mua mua. xoxoxox. Damn, I'm tired.

3001248 Would you review mine? It's in the Stories You Want Read.

3419213

Mate, I'd be honoured to review your story. I'm going to start reading it now. I know you made the request like a week ago, but I haven't been online, and I'm a bit of a lazy bugger, so here we go. Reading... Now.

Finished reading... Now. Right. That wasn't bad. It's not my style, really, but that doesn't make it any less 'not bad' than previously stated.

Your premise wasn't terrible, your execution was competent, and though I had a few issues with some characterisation, I think you captured Scootaloo very well.

Time for some specifics.

First off: Let's have some characterisation flaws. Now, these are all based off of my grasp of the characters, so if my grasp is flawed, then pay it no mind, I'm in no way the be all, end all of ponies. The following examples are just moments which I felt didn't match the characters they were portraying.

“I am so sorry I couldn’t make you a coat this winter, Sweetie, but I’ve just been so busy this season. Is it okay if we buy you a new one from here?”

So, Rarity, the Element of Generosity, didn't find the time to make her sister a present for the pony version of Christmas? This is the mare that found the time to make twelve dresses in like two days for her friends, half of which were things she didn't want to make. I think she would've found the time to make her little filly sister a coat. Even if she didn't find the time, I feel like she would've rather apologised and made her one later than buy one. This is fashion, after all, and Rarity wouldn't give her sister a substandard coat when she could give her a perfect one.

For a moment Rainbow stared at the filly in confusion. She hadn’t known someone could ever get so excited about a present. “Uh…you’re welcome,” Rainbow Dash said after a good long pause.

Rainbow Dash has experienced Scootaloo being overly excited about being around her before, and even if she hadn't, it's Rainbow Dash. She loves that sort of attention. A filly is amazed at the present, and of course she is: Rainbow mother fucking Dash gave it to her, and Rainbow Dash is the best pony in the world (according to Rainbow Dash).

“I…I have to go help clear some clouds. See you later, Scoots,” the pegasus said and lifted into the air. As Rainbow Dash flew away, a part of her wanted to stay, but the awkwardness was so great that she didn’t turn back. Still, she was unhappy as she flew into the winter sky.

The Element of Loyalty shouldn't really abandon a lone filly on the most special day of the year. Let alone a filly she just gave a present to, and is good friends with. In the show, RD is a bit of a slacker with her element, sure, but her heart's usually in the right place with this sort of thing.

Rest of the characterisation? Pretty good. I don't see any major flaws with it. I especially like the way you show Scootaloo. I can't find any specific examples of it, because I like basically all of it, so don't see the lack of examples there to be a quantitative measure of how much good vs bad characterisation there is, or a qualitative measure of how good or bad it is. You did a good thing, so, don't stress.

Next, we can play with one thing that sort of bugged me: the cost of the streamers. Scootaloo mentions, through her thinky words, that they're too expensive for someone to get them for her for Hearth's Warming, and that's fair enough, but Rainbow Dash just buys them for her on the off-chance she'd like them. I suppose it could be implied that Rainbow Dash knew how much she wanted them, and went the extra mile to make her happy, but that doesn't really match with the idea that she's all confused about how excited Scootaloo got, and it also makes the act of her leaving due to awkwardness rather counter productive if she wanted to gift her little buddy with such an extravagant gift. This could be solved rather easily by just saying that it wasn't the price that stopped Scootaloo from getting them, but the fact her parents never listened or something, but that's entirely up to you. Just thought I'd let that little strange nitpick come to your attention.

Right, here's my favourite bit: Grammar. Ironically, the upper case 'G' on 'Grammar' is grammatically incorrect. Hooray. Okay, so let's go through it all and correct every grammar thing, because I'm bored, and that's fun.

The orange pegasus filly walked down the street, filled with families, but she was alone.

This first sentence was fun. I liked it. I liked it because it implies that Scootaloo is the one full of families, not the street. So, it's time to remove to comma:

"The orange pegasus filly walked down the street filled with families, but she was alone."

Her parents were out tonight, at separate Hearth’s Warming Eve parties. Scootaloo had been left home alone.

This is technically correct, but for the sake of flow, it should be one sentence.

"Her parents were out tonight, at separate Hearth’s Warming Eve parties, and Scootaloo had been left home alone."

A chilly wind began to barely blow, but it was so light that Scootaloo could hardly feel it.

One of these things can stay, one has to go. It's a tautology. It just says the same thing twice. I'd recommend keeping the second one and ditching the first.

"A chilly wind began to blow, but it was so light that Scootaloo could hardly feel it."

The nearest building was Jeffrey’s Winter Coats. Scootaloo ducked inside.

This one isn't really a grammar thing, but I forgot to mention it earlier. This is a tidbit, honestly, but it's just rather funny to me that you chose a name like 'Jeffrey' for a pony world. So, yeah, I don't know about the choice of name here, but it did give me a chuckle.

Scootaloo lifted her head as she saw her best friend, Sweetie Belle, and her sister Rarity enter the shop.

You used the commas for 'her best friend, Sweetie Belle,' but not for 'her sister, Rarity,'.

"Scootaloo lifted her head as she saw her best friend, Sweetie Belle, and her sister, Rarity, enter the shop."

“Hey squirt,” Scootaloo’s idol greeted her.

We must add a comma here. Commas are love.

"“Hey, squirt,” Scootaloo’s idol greeted her."

“It’ll take me about two minutes,”

This isn't really grammatically incorrect, but I just feel like in this dialogue, Scootaloo would say 'It'll take me like two minutes'. About seems too formal.

The pegasus would be slightly embarrassed if Scootaloo found her playing with the present she had bought for her little sister to have.

The 'to have' is redundant, and it makes the sentence sound more clunky than it needs to be. Also: the fact she refers to her as her little sister makes the awkward reaction earlier seem even more out of place.

Scootaloo’s eyes lit up, and she smiled in happiness.

The 'in happiness' again isn't technically wrong, but it's another flow thing. I personally feel it makes the sentence seem a bit clunky, and the 'smiling in happiness' idea seems redundant. A smile already implies happiness, so, this could probably be replaced with some sort of enhancer.

"Scootaloo’s eyes lit up, and she smiled so hard her cheeks hurt."

Or something to that effect. I don't know. It's your story.

“Oh, come on! Surely you’ve got better tricks than that?” Rainbow Dash called out from behind her. Scootaloo blushed in embarrassment.

More nitpicking! 'Surely you've got' once again suffers from sounding a bit too formal for dialogue coming from Rainbow Dash. The 'in embarrassment' part is the same as the 'in happiness' thing. It's redundant because blushing already implies embarrassment.

"“Oh, come on! You gotta have better tricks than that!” Rainbow Dash called out from behind the filly, causing Scootaloo to blush."

She had meant to push stronger than that, put fear had kept her from speeding away.

Just a typo there.

"She had meant to push stronger than that, but fear had kept her from speeding away."

With her fear aside Scootaloo gave a much more powerful flap with her wings and sped off. Her wings buzzed faster and faster, the muscles warming up. Clutching the handlebars, she veered away from a lamp post just in time. She allowed herself to do a few laps before beginning to do tricks.

She sped up, going faster and faster. A quick glance at her handlebars showed that the streamers really did look like fire when you were going fast enough.

Just a bit of repetition there that sounds a little overdone when you read it. Also: 'She sped up' already implies that she's going faster, so it's a bit redundant. Not that this is bad, it gives emphasis, but the fact you say it in the previous paragraph too means you should probably replace it with something else.

"With her fear aside Scootaloo gave a much more powerful flap with her wings and sped off. Her wings buzzed faster and faster, the muscles warming up. Clutching the handlebars, she veered away from a lamp post just in time. She allowed herself to do a few laps before beginning to do tricks.

She sped up once again, a quick glance at her handlebars showing that the streamers really did look like fire when you were going fast enough."

Something to that effect. Or not. Just a suggestion.

Rainbow let out a teeny flinch right when they were about to collide.

'Let out' tends to be associated with sound, so it doesn't really match flinching.

"Rainbow couldn't help but flinch right when they were about to collide."

She daringly smiled and, with a few pushes of her leg to gain some extra momentum, went towards it.

'Daringly smiled' sounds a bit clunky.

"She smiled, a spark of determination igniting with in her, and, with a few pushes of her leg to gain some extra momentum, went towards it."

Again, just a suggestion.

Glancing at Rainbow Dash, she saw that the mare had a wide smile on her face and was watching the filly with attentiveness.

The 'with attentiveness' can be replaced with 'attentively'. That sounds a little smoother.

"Glancing at Rainbow Dash, she saw that the mare had a wide smile on her face and was watching the filly attentively."

And that's basically all I have for it, or all I found, that is.

I'll rate your story twice. Once for my own personal enjoyment, and once from an objective perspective, as my opinion is strange and doesn't really reflect the quality of your story.

Personal score: 4/10

Nothing wrong with your story, it's just not really my sort of story. Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo aren't characters I enjoy a great deal, and their dynamic doesn't interest me as much as it interests other people. So, yeah, nothing wrong with it, I just don't read a lot of stories like that.

Objective score: 7/10

Your grammar is overall better than a lot of writers on Fimfiction, and you didn't insert any flaming alicorn OCs, so I have to give you props for that. It was a nice little fic written for 'Everyone', and there's nothing wrong with that. You had your audience in mind, and your audience will likely be satisfied with what you gave them. There were a few grammar errors here and there, and a few characterisation flaws, but overall you did well.

So, there we go. That's my review/critique/thingy of 'A Lonely Hearth's Warming Eve'.

Conclusion: Not bad.

Now, I'm just going to put my favourite bits into a list.

The orange pegasus filly walked down the street, filled with families, but she was alone.

I love the family filled filly. The error made me love this more than I should have.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down,” Rainbow said while pulling the joyous child off of her. “I mean, you don’t even know what it is yet. I could be giving you dirt.”

I don't know why, but the thought of anyone giving anyone dirt as a present was amazing. It was weird that Rainbow Dash's first alternative present that came to mind was: dirt. I love it.

Stupid safety laws. Probably some idiot got it stuck on his tongue and died or something. Anyways, at least it gives me a good excuse to stay with Rainbow.

"Mummy, mummy, my tongue is on fire!" - Last words of little Flitter Wing. R.I.P.

Anyway, yeah. Nice story.

3001248 Well, since you allow for requests; I'm trying my hoof at the Obselescence's contest: The Most Dangerous Game.

There is a lot of competition (66 fics) so I would like to make it as good as possible. Any feedback would be appreciated.

The story: I Ain't Your Sacrifice

On the other hoof, I don't want to jump in line. Maybe some fics were waiting longer than mine was. I'm not sure what system you're using.

3435477

Aww, how cute, you think I use a system? I'm a retard with a keyboard. I have no system.

So, upon reading the rules of 'The Most Dangerous Game' or whatever, I see you're being forced to play with the worst cancer on Fimfiction, so I'll avoid mentioning that.

Okie dokie. Reading... Now.

And... Done. Okay, I liked it more than I thought I would, but I still had a few issues with it.

Now, there aren't as many specific parts as there were in my previous review, as 'Characterisation' is sort of hard to discuss seeing as all of the characters were OCs, but, that being said, I still have an issue with the main character.

The rules, in no way, said you had to make him the quintessential black and red alicorn OC, but you wrote him as that anyway, and I think that was to your detriment, rather than your benefit. I see that you were trying to challenge yourself, and the readers' preconceptions, but it's Poe's Law run amok. Your character was so far to the extreme of the trope, that it seemed like parody.

I liked the premise of the story, and I think you executed it very well. The ending was refreshing, and I was very happy to see a character's cockiness lead to their ultimate downfall, but the beginning is definitely your weakest part.

Firstly: the character's age is not really apparent until he is addressed directly by Killjoy. I was honestly confused whether he was a foal or a fully grown pony until she calls him a foal. The mental image of this big alicorn interacting with a bunch of little fillies was entertaining, but I feel you could've made it a bit clearer what he was. Also: your character is technically a unicorn, as there was no mention of wings. If it wasn't for the cover picture, the reader could be forgiven for thinking the little fella was just a regular black and red special snowflake.

Secondly: the dialogue that was spoken by foals did not, at all, sound like something that a foal would say.

"Are those your parents?"

It's a basic question, but there's just little touches that could be made to make it sound more childlike.

"Is that your mom and dad?"

It sounds a little cliche, but I think you went for a lot of cliches as part of your theme. It's just more 'kiddie'.

Another thing that doesn't quite fit is the language choices for the protagonist in the earlier section as compared to his logic in later parts of the story.

“I believe that I shared a profound relationship with them, but I don’t think they will come. I imagine we were forcefully separated.”

The way you've worded that paints your character as more of a logical thinker. This is also supported by his methods for concealing himself from view of the guards. As I was typing that, I realised I don't honestly understand his motivation for suddenly coming out of hiding on that particular occasion. The conversation he had with the filly could probably be seen as the main influence, but surely he'd talked to them before that, right? Just something to think about.

So, the above quote then makes me question his later confidence and arrogance in the face of his doom. He can either be the sort to hide in the shadows, serving only his own purposes, or he can be the type to rise to every challenge, and face the evil so innocents need not suffer its wrath. Why did that one filly convince him to try and save them all? If he had that sort of heroic incline, why did he sit by and let all the other ones get sacrificed?

I'm possibly overthinking it, seeing as the whole point was to play with the trope, but the character should at least be consistently terrible.

It seems like you starting writing one story, then changed your mind while writing and went in an entirely different direction. Either would be a fine story, but the elements of both just sort of become confusing, and draw away from the quality.

While we're talking about that sort of inconsistency, the name of the fic suits the more cocky, confident characterisation much better than the original, cold, edgy character. So, I'm guessing he's the one you were going with in the end.

Right, I suppose I should point out the few grammar things I saw.

“I don’t know, but I assume that the are.”

Just a small typo.

"I don’t know, but I assume that they are.”

"We had the most productive day when rumor spread through the pony population that you’ve casted your first spell."

The tense there is wrong.

"We had the most productive day when rumor spread through the pony population that you’d cast your first spell."

There weren't many, because you use a very distinct writing style that's very punchy, and use a lot of short sentences that exist as their own paragraphs. So, it eliminates a lot of the inter-sentence interaction errors that frequently occur. Good job.

So, I liked it, honestly. The character was as you would expect him to be (in the second half, anyway), and his comeuppance was fun to read.

The background story was a fun take on things, and provided a nice amount of depth to the events of the story, but do leave it a little open-ended, almost as if it's a prologue to another piece. This does sort of weaken it as a competition story, but if you wanted to write another chapter to it, relating to the amulet if that supposedly had some sort of importance, and what that regular filly would do with it, then that's possible. Would probably be alright, too.

Time for the personal vs objective part.

Personal Rating: 7/10

It held my attention, and I found myself enjoying it for the most part. The plot was interesting, and the ending gave me a genuine surprise. It's not easy to surprise me, and it's even harder to entertain me, so props for that.

Objective Rating (in relation to the contest rules provided): 5/10

I think you missed a few opportunities to create a more impressive story with the pieces you provided. The contest was intended to prove that a good writer can make any concept work. You sort of did this, but you could've done better, in my opinion. You went for the cliche portrayal of the alicorn OC, when you could've just gone with the physical properties, and then completely turn the trope on its head. Your concept really was very good, but it left a few things to be desired when it was all over with a dinner date.

So, I liked it, but I don't think it's the best you could've done in regards to the competition. But, then again, you probably know the people better than I do, so who am I to judge? All of this is just my opinion anyway.

Now for my favourite bits.

“You’re actually volunteering?” she asked.

“Yeah, this cell is boring. I want some action.”

In my head, this exchange is really snappy, and I like the way it sounds. Plus, when I figured out he was a colt, this gets the added effect of: "Kids say the darndest things." That's always nice.

The knife pierced my chest.

The moment when I realised you weren't going to make me feel that reading it wasn't worth it. I like being surprised.

“Killjoy invited me to have lunch with her after you die. I think she likes me.”

"I just killed you, but do you think I have a shot with that mare?" Twisted humour is always great.

So... yeah. Critique/Review/Feedback/Stuff complete. Feel free to disregard everything I've said, or ask me more. Got nothing but time.

3435734 That was so awesome. It was so much more than I hoped for. Your review really opened my eyes on some parts of the story that I was blind to. I agree with everything you said.

I'll try to fix as much as I can before more judges read it.

Thank you.

3435203 First of all, I'd like to say: Thank you so much for the review. This was one of the most constructive, helping reviews I've ever gotten of Lonely Hearth's Warming. You pointed out the good stuff AND the bad stuff, which is rare. Thanks!

Okay, most of the problems you found in characterization were because I didn't explain enough. I've always had problems with explanations.

“I am so sorry I couldn’t make you a coat this winter, Sweetie, but I’ve just been so busy this season. Is it okay if we buy you a new one from here?”

I forgot to tell you that Sweetie Belle had recently gone through a growth spurt. Rarity, overloaded with all the Hearth's Warming orders, saw that Sweetie was growing out of her old coat and bought her a new one from Jeffrey's Winter Coats. Her standards are still high, though, and she won't let Sweetie have any old coat. After the holiday is over, Rarity is going to make Sweetie Belle a coat.

The fix: "I am so sorry I couldn't make you a coat this winter, Sweetie. You've had that recent growth spurt, and I've been so busy with Hearth's Warming Eve orders I haven't had the time to make you one. I'll make you one in a week, but can we just buy one here to tie you over for this cold spell?"

For a moment Rainbow stared at the filly in confusion. She hadn’t known someone could ever get so excited about a present. “Uh…you’re welcome,” Rainbow Dash said after a good long pause.

I'm also going to fix this problem too:

Next, we can play with one thing that sort of bugged me: the cost of the streamers.

Again, this was caused by a lack of communication between me and the reader. I always struggle with this. I make these subconscious assumptions about the world of MLP and expect everyone else to, basically, read my mind.

Okay, in my own headcanon, Rainbow Dash is rich. It's all inherited money from her parents, so that's why, for example, she takes a nap every day. She doesn't need to be working. In this point in time, Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo view each other as sisters, but they aren't really that close. Rainbow Dash didn't feel the need to buy Scootaloo more than one present. So, Rainbow Dash bought the fire streamers last minute. She bought them last minute because she didn't feel the streamers were worth much. In her mind, it didn't cost that much, but to Scootaloo, who is poor, saw it as costing a lot. When Scootaloo started jumping up in down in joy, RD was surprised because she was expecting a moderate reaction. Why she didn't bask in the praise was because, in both Scootaloo and Dash's mind, their relationship is a sister-sister relationship, when in real life they aren't really that close. When Scootaloo is so overjoyed, Rainbow is surprised. That used to be normal before then, when they had more of an idol-worshipper relationship. However, because they think they are sisters, RD thinks they have moved past that. Apple Bloom wouldn't normally start shouting in joy if Applejack gave her a present. Combine the fact that Rainbow doesn't think the present is worth that much and you get her reaction.

The orange pegasus filly walked down the street, filled with families, but she was alone.

I liked it because it implies that Scootaloo is the one full of families, not the street.

...yeah...I'll fix that...

The rest of the grammar errors I will fix right after I finish this reply.

This is a tidbit, honestly, but it's just rather funny to me that you chose a name like 'Jeffrey' for a pony world.

I wrote this story at one in the morning when I was about to collapse onto my computer for lack of sleep. This was written as a Christmas present for my dad, who's also a MLP fan. When I wrote this, I had no intention of publishing it on FimFiction, and when I had to come up with a name, I was like, screw it, and I put Jeffrey. When I did decide to put it on here, I completely overlooked that. How about Fuzzy Jacket's Winter Coat's?

So, yeah, nothing wrong with it, I just don't read a lot of stories like that.

I understand. It would be like, if you asked me to review a Nancy Drew book. I just don't care for mystery novels.

"Mummy, mummy, my tongue is on fire!" - Last words of little Flitter Wing. R.I.P.

I died laughing when I read that.

Thank you for spending your time to review this.