Reviewed How to Annoy an Apple Farmer

Rejected

Whilst the story is innocent enough, I think it has two major problems that keep me from properly enjoying the story. The first one is that there isn't that much to take away from the story. It's light hearted, certainly, and I think I was smiling the whole way through, but it didn't manage to make itself funny and the ending was very abrupt. The epilogue didn't do much for the story either other than drag out another joke that I didn't find very funny (mostly because we already know the outcome).

The other problem ties into the first a bit. It has some very clunky phrasing and capitalization errors:

Even though Rainbow is Technically Scootaloo's mother

After much explanation about how they were sisters and Pinkie still held the spot of best friend and of course a party was thrown for some unknown reason but it was enjoyable anyway.

Rainbow had taken to getting Scootaloo’s stunted wings to grow so she could fly and Scootaloo provided so much raw determination she actually did fly.

However despite all the things Rainbow has done with Scootaloo there was one thing she had forgotten, Something she had treasured doing over the past years.

This Special talent of hers was obviously annoying AppleJack.

Scoots you remember when, A long time ago I always used to sleep in her orchard?

“Yeah AppleJack used to get really mad at you!” Replied the ever enthusiastic Scootaloo.

Rainbow sai her mouth slowly curling into an evil yet stylish grin.

Scootaloo couldn't help a small smile latch onto her face.

the apple family

AppleBloom

“To slow there appleseed” She said

After Em!

“Ah com’re! everyone” Said AppleJack

Translation?

The pegasi could easily outrun the pony’s and AppleJack found them pretending to be asleep on trees because they were so slow.The

And a lot of them. I was practically copy-pasting the mistakes from the story to this review every paragraph at times, and I left a few out. Not only does this contribute to making the jokes fail (since a lot of jokes are dependant on timing and not being taken out of the story by mistakes), meaning that the story was less funny because of these errors, which is a shame.

There were other small details in there too that I had issues with, but it comes down to clumsy writing and beyond that, not much that can be taken away from the story. Which is a shame, because anyone who likes fluffy little friendship stories (as I do) was probably champing at the bit to like this story. It needed to capitalize on it's strengths more to give itself more substance. Play to the sister relationship between Scoots and Rainbow in this story, include more misadventures between AJ and RD aside from a simple chase.

And less mistakes! The first few didn't help, but it became more a spot-the-mistake game than properly enjoying the story.

I'd like the story to get a proof-reader and maybe expand on some of it's scenes, give itself a bit more weight. As it is, I had to half-heartedly reject this one.

Review: Actually, I'm Dead

Trixie awakens within Ponyville General hospital after removing the Alicorn Amulet... but she has changed. Her coat and mane have changed color; the amulet itself is scarred into her skin. Her body has wasted away, almosta s if she were a corpse... which she might very well be. When Trixie wore the Amulet, it claimed her for it's own, replacing her heart; removing the amulet will kill her. With no other choice, Celestia fixes a retraining ring to her horn, preventing Trixie for performing any of the magic that the amulet would use to corrupt her.
With no other options left, Trixie joins Twilight in Ponyville, trying to start a new life while being haunted by what has happened to her old one... and though Twilight and Celestia swear to find a way to fix what has happened, might Celestia know more about the amulet than anypony knows...?

My description of the story doesn't really do it justice, so I'd recommend that anyone intrigued by the above check out the story itself. The concept is a fairly simple one -what if the Alicorn Amulet did more than it seemed to- but it's an effective one. The Alicorn Amulet is one of those artifacts that we don't know anything about in canon, making it perfect grist for fan fiction. Normally, a story with a Dark tag means you can expect horrible things to happen, and for the pastel serenity of the setting to be mercilessly cut down for a grimdark hellhole; however, while there is darkness in this story- most obviously in Trixie's lich-like existance, and an Interlude that reads lifted straight out of the Exorcist- the Dark tag is used sparingly, and effectively, here.

The writing, it must be said, starts a little... choppy. For example:

Twilight has grown to hate hospitals.

No, that wasn't fair. She didn't hate hospitals. She always found comforting the idea of having a place where the ill and injured could find aid. In that sense, Twilight loved hospitals. What she really hated was the reasons of being in a hospital. And right now, she and her friends were in the waiting room of Ponyville's Hospital for a very grim reason.

It might just be my own disinterest with the present tense- but the transition between paragraphs feels a little uncomfortable to me. It creates an effective opener- but it felt a little off to me. Similarly, there are also a few sentences which seem incomplete, or which need a bit of an editorial sweep over:

The clock was about to mark the fourth hour when the doors opened. Both, Nurse Redheart and Dr. Stable walked together to them.

There are also a number of flourishes which, while they might be effective in a visual medium, don't translate particularly well into a written one, namely the flashbacks. The interlude chapter was done well; as mentioned above, it does a great job of depicting a scene I'd expect from a horror movie, with my only complaint being that I found it a little head scratching that neither Doctor Stable or Nurse Redheart mentioned it to mane six... not to mention the Mane Six apparently not realising it had even happened.
However, in other places, it isn't quite as effective: when Dash is explaining the reasoning for her racist outburst, for instance, it brekas up the flow of the story a little. Similarly, the first chapter has this scene:

"Sss... Sparkle?" Trixie softly called for her. "Why is... whys is so... c-cold?" She was getting pale, very pale. The azure of her coat was quickly leaving and being replaced by a very light blue. "Wha... what's happening to me?" Fear was clear in her voice and her eyes only showed fright.

"I-I don't-- I don't know." Twilight was panicking. True to her words, Trixie was already cold. "Help! Somepony help!" She called desperately.

"Sparkle, my enemy," Trixie continued. "Don-- Do not-- forget--Trixie..." she rode that last 'e' with her last breath. Both air and life escaping from her body.

I can appreciate the present tense being used in the flashback scenes; it does a good job of conveying the immediacy of them, and creating the illusion that we have been transported back. In the Trixie example, it helps to show just how badly things have spiraled, and make us sympathetic with her... but I feel as if the dialogue is a little... over dramatic
Then again, we are talking about Trixie, so that might be a very valid point of characterization.

Besides this, however, the writing is, at worst, fine. It's a very functional prose; while there are occasionally lines which I feel could be rewritten or made "punchier", there's nothing bad about it. The only point which might stand out a little is that it can seem a a little dry, particularly during the "Ponyville arc"... however, I feel like that is intentional. By that point of the story, Trixie has become the main character and, while she resolves to not fall into depression, she is somewhat listless, and the narration reflects that.
It certainly isn't a problem with Wave Blaster or nightwalker's writing styles, since (even ignoring the emotive exorcism scene), they can create good imagery; the descriptions of Trixie's physical appearance after her encounter with the amulet -particularly her branch-like foreleg, and hair like a spider-web- are particularly memorable, as is the description of the grease-like ichor which has replaced her blood and organs. Similarly, whenever a different character is the PoV -particularly Rarity following Trixie's visit- or Trixie begins storytelling, there is a spark of enthusiasm and creativity which wasn't there before.

If ther is a problem with the writing style, it might be that some features can appear to be used inconsistently. The flashbacks appeared in the first chapter, then were dropped until the interlude, then not used again until the Rainbow moment. The first chapter ends with a sequence that appears to told told in (Trixie's version of) the first person, but the majority of the story is told in the third person. The most recent chapter has been posted piecemeal, detailing each individual meeting of Trixie and the mane six, and concluding with a chapter told out of order.
These might be somewhat jarring for readers who expect a more traditional and consistent writing style, but personally, I didn't mind overly much; while I do think the elements might need to be spaced out a little more (or given more reason to be experimental for the sake of experimenting) so as to better service the story.

Saying that, however, I do admit to liking the first chapter's ending much more in hindsight. At the time, I felt like it was a little forced with how many "Trixie's" were involved; after all, Trixie does use pronouns on occassion. However, it creates an effective contrast with the opening of the next chapter; after her incessant "Trixie!" comments, the narrator looks in a mirror and ask's who she is... and the next chapter changes the pronoun to "the once-Trixie". It's an effective method of highlighting just how changed Trixie has been since the incident, even before we get to her physical differences... and, as well as servicing the story, it helps highlight one of the main themes.

Identity is a theme that kind of get's associated with Trixie a lot, considering her personality; in the show, she is constantly carving out an identity for herself by refering to herself in the third person, and by presenting herself as "Great and Powerful"; even her stint as the "all-powerful" Trixie with the alicorn amulet can be seen as her trying to carve out an identity, by besting Twilight Sparkle or, at least, by being her nemesis. There's also significant fan fiction dealing with the theme, such as Alex Warworln's PoV series, which posits Trixie as the "middle child" trying to stand out.
While Wave Blaster and nightwalker draw on this work -her stint in 'Neigh Orleans' reminds me of the Lunaverses background for Trixie- they add their own element to the mix. In Actually, I'm Dead, Trixie is Roani, the equestrian equivalent of Romani.
It's a development that I can see as very plausible for the character, one which certainly add's pathos to her background and claims that she has been "laughed at and ostracized". More than that, however, it add's another layer to explain why Trixie is the way she is; in one of my favourite lines of the whole story, when faced with depression, Trixie decides:

"I am roani! We do not lie down for anypony!"

Later, when Rainbow Dash has thrown a number of (uncomfortably real-world) slurs at Trixie for her heritage, Rainbow admits that she did it because she learned that one thing you do not do is insult roani of their culture. It's great to see a character drawing strength and inspiration from their background and heritage; in fact, as much as I enjoy the Seven Masters -and their cameo guessing game- I would love to see more focus on this side of Trixie's character and background; while Rainbow is ultimately faking her disdain for Roani, it is an element which would cause distrust amongst people, and I would like to see more of that examined... particularly since, now that Trixie is wraithlike and skulking around town, she might be seen to fit some of the evil stereotypes Rainbow accused her of.

(And incidently, I felt it was a nice touch on the writer's parts comparing Trixie to Zecora; there is the obvious face that they both wear concealing cloaks, but it also hints at similar feared-to-friend arcs both have, and underlines a subtle point about racism of 'the Other'- Roani in Trixie's case, Zebra's in Zecora's.)

This feeds in somewhat to the second main theme of the story- agency. While Trixie draws strength from her heritage, and resolves not to fall into the abyss of depression, the story doesn't present it as an easy journey, but as one with a lot of set-backs and stumbling reminders, both of why Trixie is depressed in the first place and of her resolution to not fall into it. As someone who has gone through a period similar to that - though, as a warning to readers, not to the same extent nor even clinical depression- that part rang true to me.
While Trixie draws strength from her culture - both by calling upon it to resolve to fight back in the hospital room and when confronted by Rainbow's slurs- the fiction also has moments where the consequences of agency are shown, and scenes where it is taken away... both involving the Alicorn Amulet.

In most Trixie redemption stories, we see why Trixie acted the way she did, though external forces -like the Amulet- are used to explain away the worst of her excesses. To an extent, that's true here; there was a corrupting influence at work. However, more than anything, the fact that Trixie chose to use the Amulet is stressed; when she put it on, she made the concious choice to accept it's power. In fact, we see the moment where she accepts it in another effective flashback; she is repeatedly given the option of throwing it away, or turning away from it's promises... and she, willfully and knowingly (at least of it's malign aspects), decides to keep it. It replaces her heart, literally and metaphorically. Trixie is more of a villain than she usually is in this type of fiction, a fact which makes what happens to her even more tragic (because she brought it on herself) and her remorse, and refusal to accept that she isn't responsible, more poignant.

And, while Trixie's embracing of her culture gives her the strength to fight on despite what has happened to her, we get a glimpse at what the Amulet wants- it attempts to claim her, body and soul. Even when that attempt is repulsed by Celestia, the Amulet hasn't been defeated; it has been forestalled. It has still tied itself to Trixie's body; it has robbed her of the chance to do the thing that gave her life meaning and purpose, because performing magic will mean it can control her. On the one hand, we have Trixie drawing on her inner strength to pull herself out of the pit; on the other, we have the Amulet, constantly threatening to drag her down and subjugate her to it's will. The scene when it manages to do just that, temporarily seizing control of Trixie's body in the hospital and making her fight Celestia is terrifying.

The characters are well-drawn, at least for the most part. Trixie and twilight gain the most from it of course, being the main point of views for the story; the story pulls the old fandom trick of explicitly comparing the two, either by inverse life experiences (Twilight's single master compared to Trixie's Seven) or by parrallel events (the order Trixie meets the mane six in Ponyville is the same order Twilight met them in the pilot).
Rarity get's a surprisingly well-developed role in later chapters, one which directly addresses her problematic (and shallow) fainting spell in the beginning. In fact, Rarity's insight to Trixie, and her notes on her costume, were one of my favorite parts of the whole thing.
There have been some concerns in the comments with regards Applejack's treatment of Trixie in a recent chapter; similarly, I do have some concerns about Rainbow using real-life slurs and stereotypes to "force" Trixie into action. However, the former does come around and admit to being wrong in her actions at the dinner table, while Wave Blaster's notes make it clear that the only reason why Rainbow's taunts worked was because it's Trixie, and her and Rainbow have similar personalities (an insight which is interesting in itself). Even so, those portrayals may/ be uncomfortable for fans of the characters... though I don't feel that any of the characters have been singled out as "villains" to make Trixie's redemption more plausible, which is something I appreciate. The "Ron the Deatheater" trope is something this fandom could use less of.

Is it a perfect story? No. As I say, at times the sentences don't flow "quite right" to my ears. However, on the whole, I do think is a very effective story, one which I'm definitely adding to my library and keeping a track on.

I really struggled with what to give this story. Initally, I thought I would reject it, simply because I didn't feel like the story has progressed enough; while we have hints of a larger conflict with the Amulet, we've mostly been dealing with Trixie's acceptance by the Mane Six.
...But then, this is a slice of life story; coming to terms with her situation is a part of the story. And even if it wasn't, I did get enough enjoyment out of it that, even if I said to reject it for lack of plot, I'd recommend adding it in later anyway.

So... I say Approve. Yes, there are things that could maybe be changed or fixed or improved; however, on the whole, I think it's a pretty strong piece, one which has been getting stronger as it goes along, so I have no issue with saying 'Yes' to it.

Okay, sorry for the delay on reviews. I was busy elsewhere. I said I finished reading Luna's Turn and was just waiting to review it. Here it is now:

Accepted

My major gripe with this story is it's length. In terms of content, it's frankly lacking. It's under 2K words and consists mostly of dialogue and jokes. I'd have liked for these jokes to build up on themselves a lot more, rather like in Daring Done, where each problem builds on top of the other. It feels like had more effort and time been spent on these joked, it would have made them much funnier.

Still, I feel that the jokes were set up correctly and were certainly quite funny. The absurd situation of Celestia and Luna arguing how long they should send Celestia to the sun was a funny idea in of itself, and the nonsense about the ensuing war was a very nice farce that definitely made me smile.

It's paced quickly... perhaps too quickly, but not overwhelmingly so. The story ends abruptly, without much to segue into it's last joke. It's more like a surprise joke that don't tend to work well on paper. But aside from that, there wasn't really anything for me to get annoyed at. The characters were themselves, if a little cartoonish (which I have no issue with, MLP being a cartoon) and even the OC's were entertaining enough.

Whilst I wish the story did more, I think that for what it is, it's a worthwhile skit a lot of people can enjoy.

Hey, has anyone claimed The Apple Doesn't Fall Far?

I've noticed it has had an Under Editing note in it's title for a while that's gone now. It's half the length of Discord's apprentice, so i figure I could get it read pretty quickly... and it's the very last (first?) story in the pile, so maybe it would be a good idea to finally get it answered one way or the other...

4530240 I haven't claimed it. Go ahead.

Okie-dokie-lokie!

I'll try and get a review for The Apple Doesn't Fall Far up by this weekend then. It pushes Discord Apprentice back a little; but considering the latter is the same length as Actually I'm Dead that's not so unexpected. I'm gonna try and pick off some of the shorter self-submission stories, thin the herd a little bit.

Reading through Guessing Games, or How Many Changelings Fit in a Lunchbox

Looking promising so far, but with some aggravating problems. I'll make a decision on it soon, I think.

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Sorry for my lateness! I'll be livestreaming my reviews for a change! Will post my thoughts here as well in case the authors miss it!

4530743 So long as something concrete lands here, it's all good. I can't really take responsibility or nothing for anything that's not here on the group, though.

Good luck! I may pop in and see what a livestream looks like one day.

Reviewed Guessing Games

Conditionally Accepting

This story was very entertaining, and for more reasons than one. It's a story about a changeling, named Edward, and his interrogator, discussing the invasion of Canterlot.

Considering their back-and-forth is done well, there isn't much to say. It's entertaining to say the least, with neither character really gaining an advantage over the other. Not to mention there's some proper wit here, not just dialogue that's trying to be smart or referencing other media (a welcome change). The jokes certainly don't flow from the situation, either, and the story never tries to make that happen, which is also good.

That said, the story takes a distinctly more serious note later on as the story progresses, which I think it manages appropriately. We learn more about the characters and they're driven to increasingly desperate extremes. This also serves to keep tension high and the reader interested: I had no problem reading it to the end in one sitting (and I read only slightly slower than molasses).

So really, with interesting characters, a pretty interesting set-up that is done justice here (the dialogue is key, and like I said, done well) the only thing that really really annoys is technical stuff. Namely how the story handles dialogue formatting. It'll do things like this:

"You are an awesome story approver, and I want to buy you drinks."

The guy said.

"Why of course, citizen! I am magnificent. I am partial to amber ales and lagers if it's a sunny day."

HapHazred replied.

This is a recurring problem, especially in earlier chapters. It goes beyond just being incorrect, though: since the speaker is detailed on the following line, it makes me stop-and-start reading as I think I have the appropriate information, only to have new information delivered to me after I've processed it. This is incredibly jarring. The phrasing of several phrases throughout the story can be clumsy too, and doesn't hit the ear well, but it's really the dialogue formatting that baffles me.

In short, I'm accepting this, but only on the condition that at least the dialogue formatting gets fixed, There should be none of this:

“It is very presumptuous to assume all Changelings speak equestrian.”

He states, simply.

Or this:

“Dragon eggs, over easy, with salt and vinegar.”

The Changeling replies, snidely.

This is because other than this single recurring error, it was an enjoyable mystery that we can puzzle through. If you look through the comments, you can see people try and figure the story out ahead of time, which is in my opinion exactly what a mystery should do.

PM me when the dialogue gets fixed. I'll add the story as soon as that's done.

4534390 THANK YOU. I saw this exact problem when I tried to read it, but didn't say anything because my opinion had no weight. I'll finally be able to read it after it's fixed.

4538314 My opinion has weight?

Funny, 'cause I don't. I'm just over 62 kilos. And I'm 19. I should be heavier.

(A little rushed, sorry)

It's been twelve years since we last saw the ponies, and life has moved on. At Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack is alone, Granny Smith having died, Bloom studying potion making, and Big Mac spending more time with Cheerilee. After an accident causes her to hurt a leg, AJ's friends rally around her to give her support- but more than anypony else, Applejack finds herself especially grateful for the ministrations of Spike...

Romance. It's one of the most popular genre's on FiMFiction, but also one of the most contentious, even without getting into shipping wars.

Spike shipping, in particular, is it's own kind of minefield; Spike is one of the most divisive characters on the show, even among the writing staff (who at times can't seem to agree whether he is a competent assistant, or the punchline to every joke the universe has to tell). His age also make's it difficult to write a shipping story with him (what with him being explicitly a "baby dragon" in show, and seemingly the same age as the Crusaders)... and even when those obstacles are overcome, the main ships for the little guy seem to involve Rarity, Twilight or Sweetie Belle.

On this note, I have to give Man on the Moon credit for trying something different; I haven't seen an AppleSpike story before. However, while I can give him props for the concept, I have to admit that I think the execution of the story itself is somewhat flawed, partly because of his desire to push the pairing.

The story open's with AJ waking in her room, thinking about the fact that she doesn't have a special somepony, Spike arriving and then asking him what he thinks of her looks. Ignoring the fact that Spike walked all the way to AJ's bedroom to ask her a question -which is a tad unusual, but considering they have been friends for twelve years at this point, not necessarily infringing on privacy- this scenes foregrounds the stories romance too much for my liking; rather than building up the feelings between the two, the first chapter puts them in the same room almost from the first line. Even if they aren't romantically involved yet, putting them together, with some many romantic points (like the comment about Fluttershy being married) is akin to pointing at the pair and saying "They will get together". That can be effective, but in a story which is designed to be about AJ and Spike's romance and relationship, tipping your hand so early as to what the conclusion will be is a mistake, in my opinion.

There are some other (in my mind) cliché romantic contrivances, such as Spike appearing at the end of the chapter when AJ thinks she is in danger to rescue her. It's not a decision I particularly like, since it places one of the show's heroines in the "damsel of distress" role, a role which A Dog and Pony Show was built around dismissing.
That being said, however, the scenes at Sweet Apple Acre's following the accident do flow somewhat more naturally to me. It may be a romantic cliche for the heroes to take up the heroine's duties if they are injured -I don't have enough experience with the genre to say for sure- but in any case, Spike helping to buck apple tree's is something which fit's with his presentation on the show, while serving a deeper symbolic value:

Spike had just bucked a tree when he saw an orange figure rushing towards him. “Applejack?” she skidded to a halt in front of him. “Applejack why are you out here?”

She paid him no mind, the only thing that she was focused on was how in the world did he get every apple down in one kick without damaging the tree.

“How did you buck this tree perfectly?” she asked in amazement.

Where the scene from the opening chapter was a bit ham-fisted in pushing the two as a couple, this feel's more appropriate. The Apple family have always (obviously) been tied to the farm life and the apple orchard. Presenting Spike as being skilled at bucking apple's -"perfect" in fact- the narrative hints that this could be a place for him to fit in and ind a purpose at; becoming a member of the Apple, which would obviously be the result if he became romantically involved with Applejack. It's the kind of scene which works much better at establishing Spikes (possible) place in AJ's life than her earlier musings about special someponies do, because now we see how Spike would fit into AJ's life beyond being a special somedragon.

For that matter, the characterization of this story may be an issue to some. After twelve years, the mane six have changed somewhat; Rarity has pursued a career in Manehatten, Fluttershy is married, Rainbow has come to embrace her feminine side. However, there is a problem in that many of these changes may appear somewhat superficial; that, while we have been told they have changed physically, we don't really see how the characters themselves have grown or changed over the years... though part of this may be because the story focuses on Applejack and Spike rather than them. Even so, I have to admit that the fact that

Rainbow Dash had embraced her more feminine side, wearing dresses regularly, dismissing anything that tied her to her tomboyish past

and AJ spends time thinking about how she looks made me somewhat uncomfortable.

There is another casualty of characterization however, in the form of Big Mac, who is shirking his farm duties to spend time with Cheerilee- time that, the first chapter informs us, involves the "Pony Sutra". In the comments, Man on the Moon admits that Big Mac is somewhat OoC as a result of his plans for the story, but it's still a disconcerting change (and one which may annoy fans of that character).

However, since the story focuses on Applejack and Spike, those two do receive more characterisation, and... I will admit that it can be sweet. Spike taking his own initiative to buck tree's, for instance, is a perfectly 'Spike' moment. I also loved the motivation that AJ has; the early chapters make a point of emphasizing how empty the house is, now that Granny Smith has died, Apple Bloom is away and Big Mac is spending time with Cheerilee. For a character so defined by family, stripping that from her is a powerful motivator, and an interesting position to place the character in... though it comes with the downside that, because the romance with Spike is emphasized so much in the beginning, it can seem as though she finds him attractive because her biological clock is ticking and she wants family, rather than genuine love for him.

However... the big problem with this story is the writing itself.
For a start, chapter one to five begin in rather similar ways, with Applejack waking up, or the reader being told that it is morning. Chapter six bucks the trend- and the second chapter does begin with dialogue rather than text- but it is a little tiring to see similar set-up's for each chapter. Granted, the story isn't yet finished -so it might be a case of this being a stylistic approach which hasn't paid off yet- but it was something which didn't appeal to me.

There is also a certain problem with tense. For the most part, the story is written in the past tense... but now and again, the present appears instead. For example, the first chapter begins:

It's just another regular, calm Ponyville morning. Celestia's sun began to stir all living things from their slumber, including a familiar green-eyed mare.

There are also a few phrases which can seem... off. For instance:

Her sleep came to an abrupt halt as she woke slowly

Applejack's breaths became shallower as Spike closed in on her. “He's big.” reverberated through her head as he stood up in his hind legs and got down on his knees.

(There ar also a few unusual choices of imagery, as seen in the quotes below, which feel as if they come from a viewer of the show, rather than from within the text.)

There are also a number of confusing grammatical errors, especially in the early chapters dialogue:

“—Hey Spike”. Applejack asked from behind her mane like Fluttershy.

“Applejack, are you okay?!” he exclaimed in worry.

“Now for today I just want to see how long you can stand on at least three of your legs.” Spike ordered like royal guard captain.

There is also a rather confusing moment early on, when Spike switches abruptly from thought to speech, with neither labelled as such in the text:

Spike was caught off guard highly by the question. “Why is she asking me this?” “Well, you're strong, a hard worker smart, honest of course, pretty, and just a great all around mare.”

It may also be important to note that there are a few such moments; while the story is mainly told from AJ's point of view, now and again we see it from Spike's; Spikes thoughts on something, or Spike deciding to do something. Personally, I feel the story would be better if those moments were removed and we were retrained to AJ's point of view, since she is our main character for the far vaster majority of the story.

Ultimately... I have to say I didn't really enjoy this story. Part of that is because the various technical hang-ups stopped me from really being able to appreciate it; part of it is because I'm just not that into romance, and I don't feel like this story really did a great job of selling me on the Applespike dynamic. However, having said that, the story itself does have a not-too-shabby number of upvotes, and the majority of the comments are positive. There is an audience for this kind of story- but I'm not it.

I feel kind of bad saying this, since the story was at the bottom of the pending review pile so long... but Reject. I... just didn't really like it very much, I'm afraid.

Finished reading Discords Apprentice, review should be up in a few days.
And just finished Burning Sirens, so that's been added to the pile.
Also 'Come Little Children'.
And now River dream at Sunset: A Manuscript is read, too.

(I can't upload reviews for a few days, so taking advantage to read as many stories as possible in the interim)

Now reading: Seashell

Reviewed: Riverdream at Sunset

This... is a very unusual story. As such, I hope that it's not too out of line for me to be a little unusual with my own form, and give my thoughts here rather than at the end:
This is one of my shortest reviews. I find it difficult to comment on this objectively, or to say precisely why it works... because this is one of the best stories I've seen on this site. If you haven't read it yet, stop the review and go do so. It is more than worth your time.

Following the directions of an old woman and her cat, Lord Dunsany sails down the river Thames and passes into a sleep. When he does, he dreams of gods; of the white horse that pulled Helios' chariot asking her master for a boon, to seek her own place in the cosmos. Helios grants his steed a clod of earth, Dunsany dreams of her tending to it.
He awakens to find himself in a strange land, filled with colourful ponies and strange customs. befriending one of the locals (a pegasus by the name of Eocharis), Dunsany explores this strange land... until he is forced to leave by the impending sunrise. He eventually awakens in his boat on the Thames, and muses that, whatever path there was to this strange land has been barred forevermore.

Let me start with a confession; I have never read (or even heard) of Lord Dunsany. This is something of a problem given that the fiction (presumably) tries to emulate his style, meaning I can't measure how well it succeeds on that point. On the other hand, this story has inspired me to look up some of his books and stories, because if they are as good as this, then I shan't be disappointed by what I find.

Measuring the narrative style on it's own merits... it is very "old-fashioned"? The sentences, for example, are longer than a "modern" work might feature, with an emphasis on description; aside from the "dream" he has of Celestia and Helios, the manuscript features next to no dialogue. In a "normal"or modern story, this might get frustrating... but here, it it used to great effect, mirroring the style of the period Dunsany was writing in.

This means that the story is being carried, in many respects, by it's description... and in this case, that description is very strong. Even before the riverdream begins, Groaning captures a surreal, fantastical dreamlike imagery:

And when I had heard the song of the thrush seven times in succession, I then performed certain actions that the cat had suggested in a dry mocking tone, then closed my eyes and rowed three times widdershins, and when I looked again a fork in the river was apparent where none had been before, and I turned my boat down this course.

The logic of dreams is apparent right from the beginning in the form of the talking cat and it's instructions, which Dunsany follows "most especially".

This kind of dreamlogic continues into Equestria, where Dunsany's arrival is treated with no alarm, instead being greeted and welcomed warmly. In fact, when dialogue does appear in this section - such as Eocharis asking to see his cufflinks, or excusing away Dunsany's costume as being because he's going bald- it's to address more mundane matters.

Keeping to the description becomes more powerful as the story progresses. As viewers of the show, the idea of a "cloud sled" isn't particularly novel or unique, but seeing it delivered through the medium and langauge of Lord Dunsany (as well as his reaction to the cloud-walking spell) reminds us of just how unusual such a thing would truly be for a human. It also helps prepare the reader for the (even more bizarre) spectacle of the earthpony stampede turning the world, an intriguing piece of world and cultural building on GroaningGreyAgony's part, and something which is wholly new and unexpected for readers.

The final stage of their journey is to the city of Nephelia, the source of all weather for the land (which we recognize as "Cloudsdale")... which is actually a rather itneresting choice of venue for the group. After all, when Dunsany returns to the "real" world, it is to the

the world of groaning, shrieking machines

.
Nephelia is presented in more romantic terms, of course- there is no "Pegasus Device" waiting in the wings- but the parallel is implicit, particularly when paired with Celestia's (at least imagined) rage at Dunsany's presence, It ties back to the earlier dream sequance, to Helios' warning that Celestia's subjects might one day turn against her and the faith the way their human followers had.

It isn't overt enough to turn this into a tragedy; what we see of Equestria paints it as a (very classical) pastoral utopia. It's more hinted at, wit the reader's being left to make their own conclusions... though the (rather beautiful) ending words of

The river turned and changed even as I drifted, and I knew that even should I dare to return this way, the journey could never be repeated. For a river wriggles over the land as the years pass, even as the Fates scribe the curves of a brief human life. But it effaces with its newer script the traces of the old, and shall never, never write thus again.

carries with it the implication that the world of Equestria is one which will not repeat the human world's advances, for good or ill.

Though speaking of the gods, I also want to give credit for the creation myth that GroaningGreyAgony has constructed. It feels very epic is nature; while Celestia is identified as being one of Helios steeds (and therefore, Greek), I also got something of an Egyptian vibe from her; the image of her curled around the clod of earth and crying (and life implicitly springing at least in part from he tears) rather reminded me of Nu from Ancient Egypt. I think this speaks to the strength of the moment though; it has the same universality to it that suffuses many creation myths, helping to raise this to the status of epic. Even Dunsany's musings of a sister bringing a white pebble for a moon, strikes a chord as something that might be found in real-life folklore or tales.

I must also give the author credit for sticking to the chosen form so well; the Introduction, Afterword and Glossary (as well as the "disclaimer" that the manuscript is still being verified) helps to contribute to the appearance that this fiction is trying to cultivate, and helps the reader become immersed in it.

ACCEPT. SWEET CELESTIA, ACCEPT THIS STORY.

4554445 Eesh, finally got around to moving stories to the appropriate folders.

On that note, I'm dreadfully sorry for the delays in my own reviews. Through no fault of my own, I was trapped without warning in the Gascogne region of France without internet, condemned against my will to suffer eating fois gras and duck confit.

Oh, the humanity.

I'm back now, though. Sorry for the wait.

Reading Fallout: Equestria - In need of a Doctor

I picked this one because I've been getting pestered to read Fallout Equestria, which is a horribly long story and long stories are difficult.

But hey, this one is a short one! Perfect for someone with the attention span of a two year old!

4562459 Seriously Hap, read the original.

If you don't have the time, make the time.

4562476 Yes, but this one is in my submissions folder.

I'll have the review up by tomorrow. Now, however, is time for sleep, and I need to ponder what I'm going to say about this one.

4562496

Well, here's the review for In Need of a Doctor

Rejected

Well, aside from the story barely being past it's first plot point, it does suffer a lot past the prologue. The prologue itself doesn't strike me as bad... but like most prologues, not much happens in it that relates to the immediate story. The prisoners in this big complex escape, but it's unclear how that relates to the story just yet.

Chapters one and two go downhill quickly. I suspect this is because the story tries to set itself up in the canon of another fic, a doc' Whooves fic to be precise. I don't know who Symphony is and I have very little context as to why she's there. This makes her feel pretty redundant as a character. She just exists, just 'cause, and I wish I was able to justify her presence with more than 'the doctor needs a companion'.

Speaking of, I don't think the doctor is really done justice. Where's the whimsical excitement and puzzled amazement? There's a bit of it near the beginning, but he ends up stopping to explain a lot rather blandly and pedantically. Even the first doctor ('cause yes, I watched a few of those) was kooky and confusing when he did his explanations. The Doctor isn't the worst thing in this story, admittedly, but even though I never kept up with the show, I've always been amazed with the Doctor since I was a kid, back when the Ninth was still around.

Terrified the living daylights out of me, though.

Anyway... the situation goes bad pretty quickly, and the story pulls the old 'TARDIS crashlands' trick. The doc' did manage a nice line with 'make sure my furniture doesn't get rearranged', but he went back to his explanations pretty quickly. This evolves very quickly. I'd have loved it if the story went into who the characters were a lot more, and more importantly, what they were doing. I don't know why either of those two are in the same Police Box, and it takes away from the first chapter.

This fast pace doesn't let up as they get shot at as soon as they step out the box. This in particular felt jarring: I feel more time should have been spent setting up where they were, instead of just expecting me to get that they were in the wasteland. Then this batpony comes out of nowhere, and again, I feel more time should have been taken before everything gets thrown at me so quickly.

There are elements of spelling and grammar that simply grate on my nerves. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't care where you come from, you should know enough to capitalize your 'I's and end your sentences with a full stop. Capitals do not happen in the middle of a sentence for no reason. There are simply some things in there that a reread could fix.

At the end of the day, whilst being far from the worst story imaginable, the pacing and errors make it unsuitable in my opinion. I could look past the rather bland Doctor if everything felt more fluid, although I'd love for him to be more explosive as well.

Review: Come Little Children

In a library in Canterlot, a pegasus named Shadewing summons the foals for a story, from before the banishment...
Luna, despairing that her Night goes unappreciated by the ponies, comes up with a plan to correct the situation. With the aid of Starswirl the Bearded, Luna find's a spell which will causes ponies to follow the user. With it, she spirit's foal's from their beds, intending to show them the beauty of the night sky.
However, while Luna and the children are playing, celestia learn's of her sister's act, and confronts Starswirl about it. He admits to giving Luna the spell -a dangerous spell, used by an Equestrian criminal- as part of a plan to forestall a prophecy about Nightmare Moon, and because he loves her as his own child.
Celestia and the captain of Luna's guards, Black Night, find and confront Luna, eventually forcing her to return the children... though her own bitterness at the situation is obvious.
Back in the present, Shadewing finishes her story, sending the children away, and leaving Luna to consider Shadewing and her family.

Come Little Children is based upon the animation of the same name, though the motivations for Luna's actions are different; in the animation, the children Luna whisk's away with her are those who have suffered following the reign of Discord, orphans and homeless. The story changes this to being Luna's attempt at fostering a love of the night onto her subjects, and it is one which work's better, in my opinion. The animation is slightly unnerving, because there is something of an "abduction" vibe to it. This concern is addressed in the story -by the parents, and by the spell's origin with "the Piebald Piper"- but, by making it a night-time excursion rather than an attempt at starting a new colony, Luna's retains some more sympathy here.

However... I must hasten to add that it is only some more sympathy. Her plan remain's morally dubious, as is Starswirl's participation in it. To it's credit, the story is aware of this; Starswirl feel's some unease in presenting the spell to Luna, and the parent's concern's are especially valid. However...
To be frank, the connection just didn't work for me. While I can relate to Luna's bitterness -and can even accept her actions as a last-ditch solution - the story present's her as somewhat eager to take this solution to my mind:

“I have it!” She exclaims as her idea takes form. “If I am to show them the wonders of the night, I must lead them out into it, and that’s exactly what I’ll do! And I know just the pony to help me!” She says and flies off to a tower in the corner of the kingdom, after her task of ushering in the night is finished.

However, I do like her bitterness towards the end of the story. While I think the "dark grin and nearly villainous tone" she addres Black Night with is a bit much, her preceeding line is rather beautiful:

"You win once more, Sister.”

The contempt that follow's is extraneous, but this sentance is a perfect summary as to what would drive Luan to become Nightmare Moon and overthrow Celestia, summarizing decades -if not centuries- of bitterness into five words.

I have to admit, while I take some issue with Luna's actions, I rather liked Starswirl's characterization. While his giving the Song to Luna may be misguided, his situation is sympathetic; as he say's, he regards Luna like his own daughter, and is desperate to improve her lot in life. The added danger of the prophecy of "Nightmare Moon" add's more impetus to his actions. While they are irresponsible- and I do feel that the text maybe tries a little hard to defend them- he is sympathetic, as a weary old man trying to do the best for both his children and for the world at large.
Furthermore, I rather like the idea that Starswirl became attached to the Nightmare Moon legend. It goes someway towards explaining why he is so obscure in modern Equestria, fits his "Merlin" vibe by attaching him to events of import, and it introduces the prophecy related to the star's which -while seen in season one- I haven't seen much of since. the idea that astronomy is related to fortune telling in Equestria is interesting to me, and I quite like it.

While Celestia appears -and has a minor role- I don't feel the story add's much to her characterization. It doesn't drag her through the mud to make Luna sympathetic, which immediately make's me somewhat better inclined towards this story. While Starswirl does accuse Celestia of thinking herself more perfect than she is, this is the younger Celestia, from before the Nightmare Moon incident and her thousand-year reign of Equestria, both of which are major events that shaped her irrevocably. I appreciate that the story didn't present Celestia as being actively against Luna; when she hears what she has done, she first think's it is impossible, then interrogates Starswirl about it, with the tone indicating she hold's him more responsible for it than Luna.
It isn't a perfect characterization - I would prefer if Celestia had more of a role in the finale, for instance- but Celestia as an Enforcer of the Peace rather than a Mediator isn't an egregiously out of character interpretation of a Young Celestia... and, frankly, anytime Celestia appears in a Luna-focused story and does more than rub her hooves together menacingly is a win for me.

With Celestia and Luna's growing distance, and Starswirl too inform, the mediation in the climax falls upon Black Night and...
He's fine.
I'm... afraid there isn't really very much more for me to say than that. To be frank, the character didn't stand out very much to me. he was a guard pony. He loved Luna. His role in the climax is fitting -with Celestia and Luna's relationship deteriorating, it take's one of her personal guards to get through to her; his plea's that they will "reclaim the Night" take on a haunting meaning when one consider's Nightmare Moon- but the character himself... didn't really stand out to me. For much of the story, it felt like he was there, either as a romantic option for Luna -borne out by the ending, and by her pining for him after a thousand years- or as the everypony observer to ask questions. He fit's that role well- the audience is likely to be sympathetic towards Luna to begin with- but... as I say, he just didn't stand out to me. Personally, I feel like the story would have been stronger if his romance angle had been removed, focusing more on the tragedy of watching one's beloved Princess falling to pieces.
(Not to mention it add's a shade of nepotism to Shadewing's story, considering her relationship to him.)

I'll be blunt; my main contention with this story is the prose. It's written in the present tense -and I must take a moment of bewilderment that the tense I dislike the most is the one I seem to review most often- but the tense is maintained throughout, and there was no points which particularly stood out to me for breaking tense.
The description itself is also, largely, fine, though in my mind a little sparse -at least in the sections surrounding the song. I feel like there is a little too much emphasis placed on pony appearances -the coat and mane colors seem to be mentioned rather often- but during the flight sequence, the description does a good job of capturing the wonder and magic of the moment. Similarly, the opening scene captures the magic of the candle's flame and it story-telling quite well.

However... the narration feel's off for some reason. Despite the present tense, I don't feel immersed in the action; it feel's oddly detached, with an emphasis on telling, rather than showing. Small line's such as this:

“No, I shall not falter, this is my task.” She says, dropping the royal we, since she’s addressing only herself.

“I just… need to remind them of why the night should be celebrated…” She muses to herself her mind going through all the possibilities of what she could do to remind the ponies to love the night, and that is when inspiration strikes.

take me out of the story; it's unnecessary to be told, as we can clearly see it; at the very least, the sentences could be rewritten or re-worded It's also a recurring grammatical error when it comes to dialogue:

“Oh, Oh yes my princess. I am here as I always am!” says the voice of an older male unicorn

“Yes! Yes, that is exactly what I want!” She says

“A-Are you sure Ce… er… Princess Celestia?” He asks

Given that there is a significant amount of dialogue in this story, the persistent issue with capitalization for "he said, she said" type things is a little distracting- as is the emphasis on "asking", "exclaiming", and so forth rather than merely saying something.

The voice is also another thing which can be a little... odd. While I did like the characterization and presentation of Starswirl, I felt it was somewhat inconsistent in other places. For instance; despite being set a thousand years ago, the character speak with (largely) modern speech patterns, occasionally dropping "thou" into things. On the other hand, at one point, one of the foal's describes the flight as being "so groovy".
While I like that the royals and the peasant's have different vernacular's... the difference between 12th century nobility and 60's hippie seem's a tad extreme. Had the story been rendered in full "modern" speech, I would have accepted it as just a translation being made for the foals... but the peppering of "Royal" words distracts me from that.

The pacing also strike's me as a little strange, almost rushing through the points of the story (though I admit, this might be a personal bias).

Finally... the story frame. By and large, I don't mind that kind of framing device; as I said, I rather liked the description of the candle-lit storytelling, and the shadows dancing on the walls. However...
I don't feel it is a frame which work's for this story. The meat of the tale -the Luna/Celestia stuff- read's as being told in-universe, rather than a storyteller's interpretation. While Shadewing may be changing things -she is shown to have sympathetic ties to Luna, after all- that really wasn't the impression I got from the piece. As a result, whenever the foal's interrupted to question something, it took me out of the story as well. The closing sentiment with Luna is fine -in fact, Luna herself suggests that what we just read isn't *quite* the truth- but I don't think that sentiment was borne out in the story itself. I think it would be more effective if the story was told entirely from Shade's point of view and bias, or else solely as an in-universe tale- either way, the amount of foal interruptions should be reduced.

I have to admit, I have some conflicting thoughts on this story. It has potential, and some interesting idea's... but I also found it a little rough around the edges.

So... I just found the story a little too rough and unpolished as it is, so...
Reject

4530743 Just reminding you that I can't really do anything with a livestream review, 'cause I missed it, and I really rather want at least 24% of a review here.

So this would be what the internet folk call a 'poke', is it? I wouldn't know. My mother does this all the time, and I just call it 'nagging'.

Reviewed Field of Ashes

Rejecting

I actually got more entertainment out of this one than I thought I would. There I am, looking at another 'end of the world' story, which frankly I've never cared for. There's only so many times I can see the world end and people act suitably horrified before it becomes a bit passée. The question I feel they make me ask myself is almost invariably the same: what would you do if the world was about to end? Unfortunately, the answer is generally the same too.

Piss my pants.

Apocalypse scenarios vary, but I get tired of them pretty quickly once the novelty wears off. When I played Fallout 3, the entertainment I got from it was more because I felt I was playing a western cowboy, and less because I was in a nuclear wasteland. Stories that contain the end of the world are only chilling for about five minutes for me.

This is relevant to the story because there are a lot of stories regarding the end of the world, and this story is going to be competing with some pretty big contenders, like Fallout Equestria (which I have never read, much to BikerPon3's disappointment). I was originally looking for any great originality in how Fields of Ashes presented the end of the world... and in hindsight, that was the wrong thing to do, because like I said, the end of the world has become a bit old hat.

This story tried something that I found a bit more interesting, though, which is how the story is told. It's told anachronistically, meaning that events don't happen within chronological order, for those of you who don't word much. Some of the story is in the present day, with the main character trudging through a field of ashes (hence the title, I guess) and the rest of it has him in the past, engaging in the events leading up to the calamity. Anachronism isn't something I see a lot, and when I finished what the story had to offer, I have to admit it impressed me a little. We get to see things we know and love, like the mane six and Equestria, and it does keep the sting of losing it fresh for at least three chapters.

Although I did start to lose interest after that point.

This is because the story also has some technical failings that make it difficult for me to keep myself interested in the characters. How the world ends is still a mystery I wouldn't mind seeing solved, but the characters themselves are presented in a far too rapid manner for me to get any traction with them. Shear (the protagonist) arrives in Ponyville for his mother's funeral. He ticks pretty much every single box for a cliché OC introduction. Sudden arrival in Ponyville? Check. Meet all the mane six, plus CMC? Check. Pinkie throws a party? Check. I was bored very quickly. The story doesn't even really pace these events very well, an they all happen within such a short time of each other, it's a pain to read. If it took more time, it'd be cookie-cutter, but technically sound.

The characters themselves are not at their best. Most of them are cut-outs of themselves and only say the appropriate things, like 'party' and 'study' and 'Cutie Mark Crusaders yada yada'. If the characters have nothing of interest to say, trust me when I tell you they shouldn't be there. Their cameos were just there to tick the box of 'Shear meets character'.

Discord and Applejack get the worst treatment, though. Discord is not himself. He's far more serious and his voice isn't even close to the normal Discord I've come to enjoy. Applejack is aggressive, and the story takes every opportunity to have her overreact to any mention of her parents. I understand that the matter of her parents would be a sensitive issue, but the all-caps screaming as soon as he mentions them does not feel like Applejack at all. At the very least, this needs to be presented better, so her anger feels more justified. A line about her trying to bottle her feelings, actually seeing her expressions... that'd be a great start towards better presentation. The story is very tell-y, and needs to not be tell-y in order for these emotions to work. Otherwise they just feel cheap.

The story does not take it's time, either. From Shear arriving, we get to him having changed Equestria not two chapters later, and working on resurrecting the dead in that same chapter. These are not long chapters either: they're about 0.5-2K words each, give or take. The pacing is far too fast: I would have wanted the story to ease me into such concepts as raising the dead, thank you very much.

Which is a shame, because I personally liked the idea. It reminded me of Army of Ghosts in Doctor Who, which scared me shitless as a kid. The idea itself felt eerily creepy: technology bringing back the dead. See, this is why I keep a bottle of water close: in case I need to short-circuit an undead robot thing.

But the idea itself doesn't really carry the story, especially considering that's when the chapters run out.

In the end, the story feels like it has some promising ideas in an overused premise, with excessive telling and super-fast pacing. The best thing about the story is what it tries to do: anachronistic storytelling and a creepy undertone, something that helps considering 'end of the world' is very, very boring to me and a good few other readers at this point. I feel the story needs to be a lot more polished and slow down a bit before it's ideas shine through.

I always check here to see if my story has been reviewed. *Sigh* Day 3,000...
4570181 Nice review like usual.

4570187 Yeah, we're pretty slow, I'm afraid. As you'll have noticed, we have big folders.

We will get to it eventually, though. We're regular, at least. Just ponderous.

4570181 Thank you for the review. When I wrote it, it was the first story I had really tried to write well and doing this helped improve my writing as time went on. I admit that I still have a good bit of trouble with pacing but i'm improving. As for Discord I honestly had no clue how to write him in ways. Thank you for the review once again Haphazard.

Reviewing The Light of the Four

It may seem like I’m abandoning you in these perilous times, I would not blame you for believing it, do not be disheartened, I assure you I have read every book in every ruined, frozen, burnt out library and sought out the wisest of creatures

Jeezus, Spike, haven't you ever heard of the full stop?

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. This is a story about Spike. The princesses (and, I assume, the mane six) are gone, and nobody knows why. Since the world essentially runs on magic, this ends up being quite the catastrophe. The sun sits still, and half of Equestria gets scorched to bits while the other half freezes. It's not fun for anyone.

My first problem with the story is that this is glanced over. I'd have loved to see Spike maybe walk through the streets of Canterlot, witness some of the calamity that came to pass, instead of just telling me the general situation. It was quick and not very engaging.

For that matter, we don't know much about Shining or Spike, either, just that they're 'in charge'. We don't see them do much other than get told they're in charge, which irks me. It's quite tell-y and it could have done a lot better.

The dialogue, in particular, was very wooden, and some phrasing comes off as 'wrong'. Have some examples:

"If Discord was going to tell me anyway why wait till now? It would of been easier to piece together and fix this mess early on, he would of know that and it's not in his character to wallow in self-pity let alone for twenty-five years, oh that slippery!"

"I am so old now and I've seen so much, I have seen enough, my wish to survive or to save the princesses is not selfish, it is for the future of Equestria and all that dwell within, admittedly the new found friendships I have built I beg to retain, but I do this if not for them but for every pony else, it is as you would say my duty as an ancient.

"I don't think she knew what it was, it was so long ago, Pandemonium had almost passed beyond memory, we're not perfect, I also never had the chance to tell her my suspicions before we closed the portal, something I regret now, as for what I have been doing, believe it or not I have been devising a plan, I know, me, a plan!"

The full stop becomes a casualty in the great calamity that befell Equestria, and like the Princesses, it was never to be seen again. The dialogue is, in my opinion, the worst about this story. Everything that's said seems stilted and contrived, and I can barely hear the voices of the characters (especially Discord, who rarely sounds like himself) because they never finish a sentence until it's ran on for ages. There is only one character who can almost get away with run-on-sentences, and unfortunately, she's one of the characters who disappeared.

All this makes it hard to appreciate the adventure that's happening, which might I add, goes by at a breakneck pace. From the prologue to chapter two Spike has gone from deciding to leave the safety bubble to revealling the amulet thing Discord was given to finding Discord and learning what happened. Just slow down, already! The story doesn't give me enough time to be attached to any one scene, meaning it's so very difficult to care for the adventure at all.

Because maybe the adventure is good, and has a lot of promise. The mystery strikes me as fun, after all. Maybe. If the dialogue wasn't off and it took it's time. The story needs a fair bit of work to become decent, because right now, I can't recommend this.

Reviewed As Time Moves On

Rejecting

I had mixed feelings about this one going in, but honestly I was pleasantly surprised with the tone and maturity the story had to offer. There are a few stories that tackle characters dying, and they're often there to manipulate me into feeling sad. I honestly don't like being manipulated, and I was worried this story would be the same.

Thankfully, it isn't. Whilst it is sad, it treats death more like, well, moving on. There aren't any characters breaking down and the story doesn't feel like it's forcing sadness down my throat, which I'm very glad for. In fact, even though the idea certainly isn't new, based on how pleasantly it treats the matter at hand, I was sorely tempted to accept it.

Unfortunately, there are other aspects of the story that just make it less effective. One of these is how the story transitions from past to present:

Back in the present

Honestly, a horizontal rule would have done the trick. Typically, readers are intelligent enough to figure out when something is a flashback or not, and the transitions felt quite clumsy and jarring. This takes me out of the story when I should be discovering what the characters are going through. It's one of those cases of 'less is more'.

The other big problem I had was the beginning. The first paragraph, to be exact:

Twilight sat quietly in her castle with a book in front of her. She was an old mare now, one with wisdom that finally matched her years. She had spent her entire life studying and reading, researching and discovering. Now, she was old. Time had finally caught up to the alicorn princess – her friends had all passed away, save for one. It was down to her and Rainbow Dash now. She was running through the checklist in her mind, wondering if there was anything she needed to do for that evening. Her thoughts were interrupted though, whenever her fully-matured number one assistant flew through the door.

It's all exposition, it's highly tell-y, and if this segment were replaced with some of Twilight living her life as an old mare, it would have been ten times as effective. Seeing her have difficulty cast a spell, for example, or Spike helping her around would have driven the point home (if the story allows Twilight to be aged). Otherwise, subtle changes in her behaviour would have been great to see. Alternatively, very little changes at all would still have worked better: the story is more about dealing with friends passing away instead of seeing Twilight older, after all. It would have still been more pleasant to see than a paragraphs worth of 'time has passed, Twilight is older, and only Rainbow Dash is left alive', which is more or less what the paragraph can be summed up as.

Finally, the conversation between Spike and Rainbow, whilst not bad, sometimes did stray into somewhat clumsy and repetitive territory, which could have been made a bit smoother, maybe by having Spike and Rainbow do an activity (or try to) before reminiscing. As it is, it comes out of nowhere, and one of the problems with having six main characters is you have to go through each and every one, which does get a bit dull. Something to spice that bit up would have been great.

It's these three things that manage to make the story just a bit less enjoyable. In a longer story, I don't think they'd have mattered as much, since they'd have more words to hide in, but in 2K words, they stand out a fair bit. The story doesn't strike me as bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not living up to it's fullest potential, which is a shame.

I'd very much like to see the author try and polish the story over and send me a PM at a later stage, since I did appreciate the lighter take on Twilight outliving her friends, which is something this type of story needs more of. More people should realize that overwhelming a reader with sadness will only lead to us finding it a bit predictable.

Reviewed The Fall of Cloudsdale

Accepting

I don't really like dark stories. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate them, of course, but having watched the show and having come to appreciate how it can mix light-heartedness with some pretty heavy themes and stories I still somehow take seriously, I've enjoyed stories that had a bit of that whimsical merriment, even if they're rarely quite as colourful as the show itself. Dark stories often seem out of place, and honestly, that's the only bad thing I can say about this story.

A disaster of this scale couldn't happen in the show. It fits neither the tone, nor what the show is trying to achieve. In a lot of dark stories, this can make the thing feel disjointed, and I'd be lying if I said that the story didn't feel a little out of place with it's theme of futility and hopelessness, but it's also a fine example of what you can do with that feeling.

It's short, and I'd say that it's closer to an exploration of what would happen if Cloudsdale fell than an actual story-story, like a lot of stories of it's length. It's creative, though. It spares us no detail. It shows us what happened to the streets, what they looked like before, what happened to every single pony and how it happened. And always, the feeling of hopelessness is felt through the entire thing, which works wonderfully for this little story.

The writing itself is excellent. It uses a vast range of vocabulary and probably a few tricks an engineering student like myself wouldn't be able to name, but the way the words come together is very pretty to look at. Where most stories write in a way that draws attention to what's happening without noticing the words themselves, this one makes the act of reading itself enjoyable, which isn't something I've seen very often. A lot of work went into writing this, and I think it paid off.

If I liked darker stories more, I think this would have made my personal favourites. As it is, it simply has my respect, and a spot in the Bin.

Reviewed The Siren Song: Razzle Dazzle

Rejecting

This is the sequel to a story that I honestly believe did not need it. It's predecessor was so flawed that I rejected it without reading it all the way to the end... twice. This is probably why this story has been waiting, review-less, for much longer than it should have. I've been avoiding it.

I should probably take the time to remind everyone that if a story is rejected from the bin, or is not submitted, any spin-off or sequel must be read under the assumption that a reader has not and will not read the original. Otherwise, it's like me saying that in order to enjoy this good story, you have to read this not so good story, which just doesn't sit well with us. So even if I had found it within myself to read the previous story right to the very end, I'd pretend I didn't.

With that said, let's begin.

The first thing I noticed in chapter one is three unsavoury looking characters: Allegro, Fortissimo, and Orchestral. They are also sirens, and are the Dazzlings brothers.

I can only assume they were introduced better in the prequel, because here they are not. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what they are doing:

Fortissimo, Allegro and Orchestral finally touched back down on the stage once the creatures they had summoned were dispersed to all the corners of the world. Their pendants stopped shaking and their wings and added hair returned to whence it came.

This is the very first paragraph of the story. In all fairness, I have no idea how the previous story ended to make this as a beginning feel logical. But this doesn't feel like a sequel... it feels like a continuation of the same story and events that were in the previous story. In which case... why on earth does it have it's own story? Stories should be complete things, have a proper beginning and end. We're starting right in the middle of something, and it is my strong suspicion that this could simply be added to the end of the previous story with no dire consequences.

Of course, since I don't want to read the previous one right to the end, this will only ever remain a hunch.

What doesn't remain a hunch is that this story explains very little, tells the rest, and isn't very intelligent on the side.

It's rare that I find something is outright unintelligent. There are so many stories that have so many things to offer, and even innocent fluff stories often have something to offer me in terms of stimulation. Here, though... The Dazzlings became children (and even if I was to include the prequel, it wouldn't be a good reason) and now live with Sunset (with about the same level of believability) and are now attending high school whilst their brothers are off on one of the most hilariously inconvenient quests of all time.

As in, they teleport to somewhere, and land right in front of Sunset. Honestly, talk about plot convenience. Sunset immediately recognizes them, probably just for the sake of recognizing them, and then they disappear. It's obvious that scene only existed just to get the two to have a talk and the Blasters (that's the brothers names) could drop some stupidly obvious hints about them and the Dazzlings doing whatever nefarious things they're doing... in order to save the world. But still look like villains.

Oh, sweet jeezus, it does not work. It comes off as contrived and silly, not to mention clichéd.

The writing hasn't really made any significant improvements over the previous story either. Maybe it's a bit better, but not enough to salvage the story or hide some of it's flaws.

Shocked by this occurrence, she lost control of the car for a brief moment. She was able to regain control of it however, and she drove it onto the street so that it was out of harm.

It was my belief that all cars were driven on the street. Where was Sunset driving the car? The pavement? Space?

To sum up, there is no way anyone who hasn't read the prequel can follow this without being jarred out of their minds... and even then, I'm pretty certain this'd end the same way. It's contrived, the dialogue and plot is stilted, and this is only the first chapter.

4577083

Where most stories write in a way that draws attention to what's happening without noticing the words themselves, this one makes the act of reading itself enjoyable, which isn't something I've seen very often.

That is one of the most touching compliments that I have ever received. Thank you.

You're on fire, Hap! *runs to fetch a pail of water*

4578226 You should have seen the original self-subs thread. This one time I did seven in one day.

Compared to back then, I've actually slowed down a whole lot. Probably 'cause I'm not at uni right now (summer hols yay), and drink less coffee.

4578388
I think I was watching for that one too. This is just a nice burst compared to recently. I've been watching avidly ever since I submitted my story, and I will continue to afterwards.

4542301 Hey dude, if you're going to review Discord's Apprentice, you should go read the latest chapter (which I posted last night) and reread the first 3 paragraphs of chapter one (above the line break). I tinker with my work on a regular basis, and that opening had been bugging me for a while.

Also, it's been two weeks. This story must be a doozy to review if it takes that long.

Finished reading Sisters are Awful

Accepting

Well, I liked it. I do think it had a few flaws, though, which were mostly to do with what happens in the story and the characters. The story is pretty unassuming: Luna asks Celly a few questions and then tosses her book into the river. She then has to retrieve it, and that's about it. It's not even very difficult a task. I'd say the story is mostly there only to showcase the characters, and if I didn't take issue with those characters, it might have worked better for me.

Celestia feels very unlike herself. I understand that this is before her whole ordeal with Luna's little 'episode', but I think the story would have benefited from having her at least a little more like the Celestia from the show, so that I might recognize her a lot more. Luna feels much more like a little child (and I had much less problems regarding her than her sister in that regard) but I wouldn't have minded, again, her being closer to the show's counterpart, even if it's just a little.

Thankfully, I feel the story makes up for these gripes in other ways, particularly making the sister relationship look and feel like something real and tangible. Kind of like they were really a pair of childish and (in Celestia's case) bratty young ponies. And I thought their exchanges were pleasant and fun to read, and very reminiscent of, I think, anyone's relationship as a young child with a sibling. And it's the story's saving grace.

I don't know about it being a comedy, since I only really smirked at the last line, but on the whole I didn't really laugh or find anything funny at all. It just felt light-hearted instead, which for the record, isn't a bad thing in this case.

I read somewhere in the comments that the story was a bit more telly than it perhaps should have been, and whilst it was, I felt that this in no way detracted from the story, given it's more childish nature. From what I read, the balance between showing and telling felt fine, and the grammar and spelling were in no way jarring or inconvenient. If the characters were a bit closer to the ponies in the show, I think I'd have really liked this one. As it is, it's innocent and enjoyable, and well worth five minutes of your time.

4586917

Review: Burning Sirens

Exiled to our world by Starswirl the Bearded, the Dazzlings have been searching for a way to get home. Centuries of searching, which have turned up nothing. Their journey brings them to a small town during the middle-ages, where a display of their powers leads to them being accused of witchcraft. And in the Middle-Ages, the answer to witchcraft? Is to burn them...

The Dazzling's were an unexpected hit in Rainbow Rocks, helping propell that film's success and making the trio instant fan favorites. They were popular enough that they were included in the Fiendship is Magic comic, which promised to detail their history... and instead gave us one of the worst comic's of the MLP line. I mention this because, by focusing on the Dazzling's past, Lonarion invites comparisons between their story and the comic.
So, to get this out of the way; I much prefer this storys take on the concept. It offer's a wider range of story-telling possibilities, some of which are hinted at in the story itself. We hear a little about the Siren's previous destinations - like Nürnberg- and the story end's with the wide open canvas of them going anywhere. Frankly, I'd love it if this became a series of stories, each set in different time periods with the Dazzling's looking for a way home, or even just taking in the festivals, or foods, or whatever. Almost like an Assassin's Creed-style take on the history of the Equestria Girls Universe... which leaves the possibility open to explore very interesting concepts. There's a hint of that in this story with the cameo of a human Clover.

The story itself is... okay. Personally, I feel like it fall's a little short of the possibiity promised in the concept but then, it's dealing with a very specific event ("The Siren's are burned as witches") rather than a general "Dazzlings through history" idea. It clips along at a brisk pace, and set's up the conflict quickly. It is a little convenient that, of all the bars they go into, they pick the one that has a deaf man who can resist them, but it isn't an especially egregious one. furthermore, it allows Adagio t show off why she is the leader of the team by organizing a jailbreak for the trio.
The second half of the story is a little weaker, as it feel's somewhat repetitive; the Siren's evade the law, Sonata get's arrested, they get her loose. This is the part which strains disbelief a little... but I feel it does work with the characterisation Lonarion provides. Besides which, the two responsible for the back half of the plot are Aria and Sonata and, well...

The prose itself is functional. I thought it was a little dry in the begining -particularly where Aria is concerned- but it got better as the story went on. If I have a complaint, it's that I feel it perhaps could have been streamlined a little... but when it needs to pack a punch, as it does during the Sonata-Aria toy sequence, it lands it square in the feels. However... the prose and narration isn't the main draw here; for me, the main attraction of this fic, and the thing it succeeds on the merit's of, is it's characterization.

Among the problems of Fiendship is Magic, one of them was the fact that the bright, vibrant characters of the movie were present in name only. Not only were their personalities not really reflected in the comic, we didn't get any background on the Siren's themselves, before their invasion of Equestria. Burning Siren's addresses both of these.

The story begins by focusing on Aria, which I felt was a good decision. Of the three, Aria is probably the closest to a blank slate; her only real moment's in the film involved her dismissing Sonata and a Starscream attempt which Adagio quickly stomped down on. As a result, Aria is the kind of person a writer can take in almost any direction and still be largely in canon.
And at first, I have to say- Lonarion disappointed me. Aria's narration felt very dry and detached, not really adding very much of herself to things... honestly, I found it difficult to figure out exactly what Aria's personality was in the first half.
The second half, however, underscores the reason for it. Sonata herself point's out that Aria is unnaturally apathetic to the world around her; that -while the Dazzlings may hate Earthquestria- there is still stuff there that Sonata and Adagio can enjoy, like festivals, food and fashion. Aria's response to it is very telling, as probably the biggest insight into her character:

Aria shook her head and raised her voice. “No, Sonata. I can’t enjoy anything in this world. It’s not just bland; it’s also barbaric. I’ve never liked ponies, but at least they don’t burn other ponies, you know? But above all, what I really liked back at home was swimming and flying. And I can’t do that with this lame body,” she said, knocking her chest, before turning away. “I have nothing to care about here.”

Immediately afterwards, Aria risks their safety by needing to go outside and feed, which is when everything click's together:
Aria Blaze is an addict.
It make's a lot of sense with her characterization; she thinks about the dark hole in her stomach when she doesn't have her pendant, and about how empty it feel's when she has it. The whole plot is kicked off by her and Sonata disregarding Adagio's orders to stay, because Aria wanted to feed. With that realization, the emptiness of her earlier chapters makes a lot more sense.
The apathy is aided by the background we get for her; that, even amongst the Trio, she is an outsider, since she came from a different reef than them. It's an interesting idea, which doesn't get much exploration here. But, after this realization, Aria does become more dynamic as a character, joining Adagio in her rescue attempt, and with the trio deciding to do what she wants to do next.

As I said, Adagio has a chance to prove why she is the boss, with her cunning being responsible for... pretty much everything the Siren's manage to achieve. The fic does soften her character a little -at least in her attitude towards the other two- by expanding upon her guilt at being responsible for the Trio's banishment.
It isn't exactly an Adagio who I like- but it is one which work's for this story, explaining why she hasn't just abandoned the other two over the course of the centuries -and who goes back for Sonata when she has every reason to jump ship with Aria and get out of dodge. the added back story element -of her becoming Sonata's mother-figure-by-proxy- adds to this explanation of her behavior towards the two.

But, to be frank, the shining jewel of characterisation in this story?

Yes, for realzies.
I have a very love-hate towards Sonata Dusk. I love her character in the movie; I hate how she is presented in the fandom, where her innocence and childishness is often used to justify her being the Siren who is "secretly good" or get's redeemed. Neither of those things happen here, and the way Lonarion write's Sonata might be my favorite take of her that I've seen on this site.
This is a Sonata who is still childish and funny, a Sonata whose most valuable possession's are toys, and whose motivation's are child-like. Adagio and Aria needed their cloaks, so that's a good enough justification for her to go outside. This is a Sonata who wants the other Siren's to be happy, and who take's joy in very simple stuff, like bright lights, sounds and eating. It's a Sonata who is exceptionally child-like...
With a child-like vindictive streak. She see's a child playing with toy's, and she wants to steal them.

When she reached the bridge, she encountered a small white dog wandering by the river. She stopped. It was so cute that she got an urge to pet and hug it. After all, Aria wasn’t there to stop her and claim she was wasting time.

Simultaneously, she got an urge to grab the dog by a leg and suspend it over the water, threatening to drop it, just to see its reaction. Wouldn’t that be fun? After all, Adagio wasn’t there to stop her and complain that she could get them in trouble.

One of the most effective juxtapositions in the entire story, it shows that yes, Sonata might be an idiot, and yes, Sonata is "innocent"- but innocent does not mean good, and she has roughly the same morality as a young child (which is to say, none). In fact, the last villainous act of the story is her suggestion, and her reaction to getting the captain giving them passage killed is to feel "warm inside" because Adagio and Aria approve of it.

In fact, this is a running theme with the Trio. They are, very distinctly, not human, and could care less about the people around them. The bond between the Siren's themselves is palpable; whenever Adagio and Aria risk their lives by going back for Sonata, or when Adagio apologizes for what she's done:

“Not about the cards,” Adagio explained. “What I mean is, we've spent all the time we've been here looking for a way back, mostly because that’s what I wanted. I felt I had to make up for bringing us here. As you said, it’s probably futile. It’s time we do things you two want to do.”

it is elevated to the point of heartwarming. But then we immediately see them charm people - or abandon innocent women who will be the next witches to the stake - or want to hurt a kid for tattling on them... and we are reminded that these three are not good people.

It's a strong story which can keep the protagonists sympathetic and complete and utter monsters, and the characterization here really does elevate the piece. The prose is fine -not outstanding nor terrible- and while the plot is okay, it can be a little rickety... but this is mostly a character piece about the three Sirens in a terrible situation, and it pull's that part off perfectly. This is a cut above Fiendship is Magic #3, and I hope we get more stories with this concept.

I say... Accept. Is it the best story ever written? No. As I say, the prose could be a little more polished, or the narrative tweaked a little. But the characterization is wonderful and -while they weren't outstanding- there was nothing wrong with it on a technical level.

Reviewed Broken

Rejecting

There's not much to say about this one. I harbour intense dislike for it, so much so that this is the second iteration of my review, since the first one went a bit overboard. It's the sequel to Snapped, another story I have no positive feeling for. It promises, like it's predecessor, to be a 'psychological thriller full of feels', and succeeds about as well as Snapped too.

It's stories like these that make people wary of the dark tag. Instead of trying to create, dare I say, a story with heavy and grim themes, it throws as much shocking content as it can at me in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I'll take it seriously. Unfortunately, I'm a student: we take nothing seriously.

The story suffers from spending no time to set up how each of the characters feel... or rather, the story suffers from it's prequel spending no time to set up how each of the characters feel. Without treating Snapped as necessary reading (which I can't, because it was rejected), the premise is poorly set up and borderline nonsensical.

It tries to set up a situation where the characters would be driven to extremes, but the environment doesn't have the same detail and grit as, say, The Fall of Cloudsdale. This makes the whole scenario feel disjointed and somewhat hilarious, like someone tried their best to take MLP as seriously as they could without understanding why people took it seriously in the first place. The characters are more like cut-outs designed to spout things like 'I KILLED SPIKE' (note the all-caps), and of course, Discord is OOC (just like he is whenever the story wants to have Discord, but also can't figure out how to actually write Discord).

The second story does benefit from having an actual point, though. Unlike Snapped, this one gives Twilight an objective to achieve, meaning there's an actual reason to keep reading. It's just you'll be damn disappointed near the end. Oh yes, the story doesn't actually bother ending itself. Celestia stops Twilight and says 'we have to talk'... like this story deserves actual continuation. In fact, the first story didn't deserve continuation. I really hate endings like this: these aren't movies, which can only go on for so long before they have to end. These are stories: finish them. This just screams of laziness. If the story isn't finished, don't end it.

There is so much that's wrong here, but I think it comes down to execution. The story cannot be taken seriously. It's unable to deliver all these grandiose, over-the-top acts with any kind of gravitas, and isn't enjoyable in any other regard for me to find merit elsewhere. Other stories approach themes like these effectively. Other stories know how to make a reader connect with characters in torment. This one doesn't: it can only write characters killing themselves and hope the readers buy it. It's a far cry from other dark and sad stories that have been accepted into this group.

At least the spelling and grammar is okay.

Okay. Well, considering that this is the third installment of the Siren Song series, I will keep this very, very brief.

Reviewed The Siren Song: A Siren's Fight

Rejecting

I had actually read the first two chapters a while back for a different group. Whilst I was incredibly unimpressed, I think the main problem was that it was pretty much impossible to understand, given that it relies heavily on it's two previous installments. Since I like shaking things up, I decided that this time around, it'd be nice to show you exactly what I mean.

Six armoured Lyrican Sirens watched in the distance as colossal beasts began assaulting the invaders from Equestria and Earth. With each clash that happened, there were explosions, followed by a mild scarlet drizzle of blood. They then saw some nearby Euphorians and Dystopians closing in on them, so they raised their swords for battle.

The six of them were all duelling on what looked like the back of a dragon, which was soaring through the sky, hunting for targets to kill. They noticed that the dragon had noticed them, so their feet glowed for a brief instance, allowing them to run underneath the dragon and completely change their gravity to continue the fight.

The beasts all landed on the body of the dragon and raised their weapons for conflict. The beasts from Dystopia all had red pendants, whilst the beings from Euphoria wore blue pendants. Both species looked at the six Lyricans and raised their weapons for a conflict of their own.

These are the first three paragraphs. We have no idea who the Euphorians are, who the Dystopians are, what they want, why Equestria has teamed up with Earth for some reason, why they're fighting on the back of a dragon, and what a Lyrican Siren is. Explanations are sort of half given in italics throughout the first chapter, but honestly they raise more questions than they answer.

Despite King Allure's guidance, and his almighty power, the Lyrican Sirens were quickly quelled by the attacking forces from the other two worlds.

A pony named Starswirl the Bearded was hired by the six Euphorian Deities to hunt down and assassinate Lyricans, spiling the Balance of Lyrica into the side of hatred and resulting in an epoch of strife and conflict.

I could go into more detail, but I don't really want to. The story also annoys me a considerable amount by including youtube videos directly in the story. Which is a terrible idea, since it's jarring and lazy.

I'm sorry this is a quick review, but it's two prequels didn't get in, and this one isn't either. One day, a story may introduce it's core concept without needing to rely on prequels... but it is not this day.

This will be another short one, but since I already reviewed it months ago, I already have rather confident feelings about it.

Accepting fallacies of the Elements

My main concern with the story last time around (if my memory isn't playing tricks with me) was that there wasn't quite enough of it to make a strong decision. Thankfully, more has been written, and in a nutshell, it has me convinced.

While nothing spectacularly mind-shattering goes down in the amount I read onwards, it does keep things interesting and evolve in unpredictable ways. Bulk Biceps makes an appearance with a bit of an unexpected point of view, Trixie returns, and shenanigans are afoot in Canterlot. The quality of writing remains the same, but seems to add a bit more depth to some of the characters. Some of it isn't new ideas: Rainbow dealing with Gilda and their argument in season 1 has been approached several times, but all of these things combining together makes for a constantly engaging time.

I'm very convinced that the story will keep being entertaining right until the end: it certainly isn't boring, and I'd be happy to accept it now that I've firmly made up my mind.

Reading A Swordsman's Path to Redemption

Crossover, mature, gore and dark, and anthro to boot. Oh, and herds. And of course the human was sent by Discord. All my favourite things.

Well, first impressions are one thing. Whether it holds up is another entirely. Let's delve into yet another anime crossover I can't wait to examine properly.

4616694 No, it just took me a bit longer to read it. I've almost finished typing up what I have to say about it.

Read first chapter of A Swordsman's Path to Redemption

Rejecting

Well, given that the first chapter alone had so many things that kept drawing me out of the story, I think it'd be safe to reject this one. Pretty much everything that's in there is some variation on 'clumsy'.

It introduced Kenshin clumsily, giving us a quick overview of his life with some quick and dry exposition.

It delivers the first plot point clumsily, too. Discord (of course it'd have to be Discord who sends him to Equestria) pops up without explanation and decides to send old Kenshin to Equestria. This is done without delivering any kind of promise or expectation for an adventure to come. It's just : 'Kenny, old chap, time to head over to ponyland. Off you pop', and that's it.

Bonus points for landing in the Everfree forest, by the way.

The writing is incredibly clumsy, and is rife with run-on sentences and errors (including missing full stops and improper capitalizations) a few of which I have quoted below:

His life was perfect back at the dojo, he had a loving wife Kamiya Kaoru and his son Kenji Himura, but that was the problem, his life was perfect, he believed that he did not deserve such happiness due to the many lives he has taken as the Hitokiri Battōsai.

It had been a while since Kenshin had been in Japan. Kenshin had been traveling for five years now

During his travels through China a fire broke out in a small village that he was traveling through while most managed to make it to safety there was still a young child that was trapped in one of the burning buildings, without thinking kenshin immediately kicked in the door and found the child in the very first room he walked into.

Not only a run-on sentence, but the improper capitalization on Kenshin is particularly aggravating.

He rescued the child without a problem and brought the child to a local doctor, he found it strange that no one bothered to help the child, especially when the child’s house was not even on fire.

Was the house on fire, or wasn't it? What? There's the story contradicting itself, and then there's the paragraph contradicting itself.

“Ahm not so sure we should be venturin in the Everfree forest.” Said

Said the young filly with a heavy southern accent and cherry red mane with a pink bow in her hair as she walked with her hands in the pockets of her jeans.

the entire everfree forest

“WAIT! How do you know about?” Kenshin Asked with wide eyes

Her favorite book series was The Red Swordsman from her neighga collection which was about a red headed swordsman with a crossed shape scar on his left cheek, she loved the series because instead of resorting to violence, the swordsman would do everything he could to avoid confrontation, but at the same time he was not afraid to defend his friends and the innocent and those who could not defend themselves, and when he did he would make sure to never kill his enemies no matter what.

Dear god, man. What did the full stop ever do to you?! There's something particularly irritating when people don't write decent sized sentences, and instead of ending them properly, go on and on beyond what's normal, it's particularly pesky to read and in this story they seem to happen all the time, I wish they didn't happen quite so often, it would be like if I wrote a sentence that I could have split into five different sentences in my review, which would have been much easier to read and understand instead of yammering on like a mad dog, don't you know, yes, it is.

Just to drive the point home, the story also has an image splat bang in the middle, which completely took me out of what I was reading, more so than even the run-on-sentences.

Given how the story has progressed so far, I am unconvinced that the story will be particularly original or intelligent (which it really needs to be to counterbalance the writing) so I'm putting my foot down right now. The writing needs major work before I'd consider giving this one a second look, and please, the image has to be removed. It's lazy and jarring, not to mention completely uneccesary.

4617952 Another crossover bites the dust.

4618118 Haha, I'm still hoping my own crossover, which should be getting reviewed within the next couple weeks, manages to make it into the group. I'm rather confident in it.

Reading Equestria's Strife Online

Well, I got past the first chapter. So far, it's definitely an improvement.

I'll hopefully have a review up today or tomorrow. It's a bit of a longer one and I don't know when I might come to a decision.