Me: Hmm this group seems to still have a pulse, why not give it a try? I really hope this isn't against FiMfiction's rules...

OK so I'm writing a fanfic series on DeviantArt. It's on DeviantArt instead of FiMfiction because the stories are written in a script format that FiMfiction does not accept, and they're written in such a manner because I plan to adapt them into an animated series on YouTube in the future.

I REPEAT, my story is on dA because FiMfiction doesn't take script formats, and it's in a script format because I want to make this into an animated series in the future.

The latest episode is almost finished, but there's just one part I need help putting the finishing touches on. If you want to know the entire plot, you can message me, but basically in this scene, Applejack has to give Apple Bloom "the talk" after the latter just accidentally walked in on my two OC's having sex, and Granny Smith is upset about them doing so in their barn (in the series, my OC's live with the Apples in exchange for one of them helping with the farm chores) and wants Applejack to kick them out in that stereotypical "old person being against people having sex" kind of way. So if I post what I've got so far, do you guys think you could help me to improve the dialogue in this scene?

4979801

I feel like I've seen this post somewhere before.

Anyway, if you're concerned about site rules, you should consider asking a mod directly in PMs. They're usually happy to answer simple questions like this one.

Here's what I've got so far. Let's see if someone can help me improve it:

SCENE 8

[The setting: In the farmhouse at Sweet Apple Acres. Apple Bloom is up in her bedroom, huddled under the covers in her bed when Applejack enters to check on her.]
APPLEJACK: Apple Bloom? You in here, sugarcube?
A.BLOOM: [Muffled] Uh-huh…!!
APPLEJACK: C’mon out of there, y’hear? Ah wanna talk to you ‘bout somethin’.
A.BLOOM: Am ah in trouble?
APPLEJACK: [Chuckling] Naw sugarcube, you ain’t in trouble…C’mon out of there so we can talk.
A.BLOOM: O-Okay…
[Applejack sits down on the edge of the bed as Apple Bloom crawls out from under her covers.]
APPLEJACK: Now, ah didn’t wanna tell you this ‘til you were a li’l older, but ah reckon that now might be the right time...
A.BLOOM: What do ya mean?
APPLEJACK: Umm, how do ah put this? Umm, well…You see…When a…mare an’ a, uh…stallion…love each other very much—
A.BLOOM: Like you an’ Big Mac?
APPLEJACK: Wha—no no no!!
A.BLOOM: [Gasps] You don’t love Big Mac…?
APPLEJACK: [Flustered] Well yes ah do…B-But that ain’t what ah’m talkin’ ‘bout. Ah meant more like when they’re, uh…IN love, y’know?
A.BLOOM: Ohh…You mean like Decibelle an’ Gingerroot?
APPLEJACK: Uh, yeah, that’s right…When they love each other very much, they…
[Dissolve transition.]
APPLEJACK: …an’ that’s where li’l fillies like you come from.
A.BLOOM: [Confused] Really?
APPLEJACK: [Chuckling] Eeyup, it’s true…
A.BLOOM: But Decibelle an’ Gingerroot weren’t doin’ it like that, though…
APPLEJACK: Really? What do ya mean?
A.BLOOM: Well…Decibelle was standin’ on top of Gingerroot, and Gingerroot was tryin’ to stick his horn inside of her instead of his—
[Suddenly, Granny Smith bursts through the door.]
GRANNY: That’s it, ah’ve heard just enough!! Ah won’t stand fer no lovebirds doin’ that kinda unnatural hanky-panky in mah barn—no way, no how!!
APPLEJACK: Aw, come now, Granny, there ain’t nothin—
GRANNY: Ain’t nothin’ is right!! Ah knew this would happen iffen’ ya put them two ponies up in the same loft!!
[bAPPLEJACK: Ah MEAN that there ain’t nothin’ wrong with what Deci and Ginger was doin...You’re just bein’old-fashioned.
GRANNY: Old- fashioned mah patootie!! Ah want them two ponies outta our barn this instant, dagnabit!!
APPLEJACK: Oh, Granny… [Chuckling]

[Applejack laughs as the scene fades into the next.]
I really want to get this episode finished by the end of this month, but this scene just feels...unfinished. Also, like I said before, the dialogue doesn't feel exactly show-accurate, if you know what I mean...
(FYI: Decibelle and Gingerroot are the names of my two OC's)

Anyone?

4982910
I'd suggest AJ tell AB that the facts of life are not to spread around. And the facts of what Decibelle (nice name, BTW) and Gingerroot were doing, likewise.

4984107 How would I write that?
(and thanks BTW )

4984826

How would I write that?

Well, off the top of my head, here's one way:

"So," Apple Bloom asked brightly. "No yogurt needed?"

Applejack's eyes widened. "Gingeroot and..."

"No," Apple Bloom hurriedly inserted. "But Scootaloo said that Rainbow Dash said..."

Applejack chuckled. "Rainbow Dash was probably just having a little fun." Her lips quirked. "Though that might just be what Rainbow Dash actually believes."

"Can I tell Scootaloo?"

"Nosiree, AB." Applejack shook her head hurriedly. "You can talk about this to me, Grannie, Big Mac, or Miss Cherilee, but not with young 'uns about. And no blabbin' about what Gingerroot and Decibelle were up to with anypony else, got it?""

"Why?" Apple Bloom asked, here innocent eyes wide.

Applejack sputtered helplessly for a second. "It, well, it just ain't proper. Other young 'uns gotta hear it from their own kinfolk, that's all. It's one of them rules, like washin' your hooves before dinner, or bowin' to the princesses." She took note of the doubt in her little sister's eyes, and resorted to the same line she'd hated hearing at that age. "It'll all make sense when you're older."

As you can see in my previous post, I want to just breeze past the part where AJ gives AB "the talk" and not go into much detail, then get right in on Granny Smith being upset about Deci and Ginger having sex in their barn, telling AJ to kick them out, and AJ just laughing it off thinking that Granny is old-fashioned. I trust you've seen this done before at least once on another TV show or movie, do you understand what I'm trying to say? Since this is a group dedicated to Applejack-focused fics, I thought that someone here could help me make the dialogue more show-accurate and finish the scene, like a proofreader, you know? Does that make sense?

4987173

So you mean, you need dialogs about that part when Granny talks or says to AJ to kick those ponies out of the barn, and another for AJ's talk with Apple Bloom? Am I getting to the point? Or either, the descriptions between those lines? Ya know, I just wanna help you out and I want to make things clearer to both of us and the others who are interested to help out as well.

4988531 Fleshing out the part with Granny Smith and refining "the talk" with AJ and AB without adding anything extra. I really want to get this story finished by the end of January, do you think you can help me with that?

4991664

Ooooh. I kinda understand now.

So... Uh, I suggest that, y'all should omit "ah." It's disturbing. I know many people use that thingie to replace "I" and represent the southern accent, but.... it's not right. We all understand that it is spoken as "Ah," and we don't need to write it like that. It is as it is.

About the dialog... You don't actually need to juice it more, it would be a cliché, (in my opinion). The thoughts are already there, and all you need is pacing. I suppose that from the previous "scene," Apple Bloom has somehow pondered her mind about what she's seen. If not, you need to include it there. Every transition/scene should answer the question, "How did this happen? And why?" Oh, and take note that you must include every. Single. Sentence. Of the dialog/s. Pacing is the key.

To make it more interesting, you should include Granny, eavesdropping. You can make her have her thoughts written, while AB and AJ are talking. It would be fun, then she'll burst in, and scold both of her granddaughters.

Somehow, I also feel the last dialogs incomplete. Yet again, pacing. Make Applejack as calm as she is and Apple Bloom curious. Of course Granny is traditional, that's important.

Yep. That's all I can say, as of now. I hope I helped.

4992547 How would I write that?

4993008

How would I write that?

Sorry if I become rude with this, but do I really need to write it for you word by word?

4994370 Why does my reply keep disappearing? I really want to finish this episode by the end of January, or Valentine's Day at the very least. I just want to get this done...

Anyways, this is how my other cowriter on dA would write with me...He'd come up with some dialogue ideas, and I'd give him my feedback and polish it up if need be. But he's swamped with art requests right now, so why can't you help me in the same way?

Also, I made a few updates to the scene posted above. Can you guys do anything with that now?

(ugh, "Snowblind" is going to be so much easier to write; hopefully I won't need any cowriters to help me when I start writing it... )

5002425

Ah. So that's the case. I kinda feel you are.... uhm.... demanding. You can just ask if you wanted a cowriter as soon as you posted, but.... well.... sorry for not understanding sooner. I've been into a hectic schedule as well.

I am willing to help, yes. If you want, we can talk about it through PM's.

But I will warn you earlier..... I am quite busy, and I am not fond òf writing mature things, like.... sex, actually. I am just a.... an... innocent about these kind of stuffs.

5003644 Well you can PM me if you have the time to help. I also have some other scenes that I need help polishing (none with any explicit sexual content). Should I send you the whole episode so you can see what I've got?

5004525

Of course! That's better!