Sorry about being absent for so long. The next story is called "Eleven" by lord_steak.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/287922/eleven

This story has good details in it good enough to mention anyway. There are some problems regarding how some of the details are given in the inner monologues but I'll get to that later. When reading the first chapter I found myself smiling a bit when reading about Lyra and Bon-Bon feeling comfortable with each other. This scene was done pretty well but more should have been done in my opinion. This does come with a few problems. Despite smiling earlier, I found myself not really feeling their sadness and bitterness in the first chapter. I actually kinda didn't care when either of them were crying. I SHOULD care, some time was taken to get me to like them, but I don't think it was done as well as it could have been.

This is because some of the parts showing they cared for each other were sloppily done. I am referring to the inner monologue that the characters show. The inner monologues are a bit much. They feel a bit preachy, like they were partly used to give exposition rather than convey their thoughts. This makes them seem a little impersonal and dulls what you've been building up.

One part of the story also seems a tad too convenient. We start on the very close to Lyra's and Bon-Bon's friendiversary and she's called in hours before it happens making it so she can't enjoy it. This timing is a bit too much, like the friendiversary was put in JUST so it could be interrupted and attempt to pull on out heartstrings. This also makes it harder to feel the emotions put in.

One other thing I noticed is that you bring up past events that quote unquote, "happened" rather frequently. You do this a lot and I feel the way you do it could be done better or less frequently. The thing is we hear these events happened but don't see them so they don't leave any impact. Would you like to hear me tell you I killed a bear or would you like to actually get the full story? It's the same here. Some of the things talked about really aren't relevant, or even interesting no offense. This wouldn't be a problem but this happens a lot.

Moving past all that the story is kinda good but I wasn't terribly interested. Maybe it's just my taste in stories. The story is good but there's nothing I see that would be regarded as great. I think it takes too long to get to the good stuff. Reading the first two chapters I was amused but not interested. Keep in mind a lot of readers tend to be pretty dismissive of stories on the first and second chapter. You have to make them good enough to keep them reading.

Eleven: 65/100
If you like spy stuff maybe you'll get into this.