Fog on the Window by TheMajorTechie

This was an interesting story to read. I personally haven't read the source material for this story yet but it seems like a good prequel to the main story. The fact that the MLP universe [from what I'm figuring] was the result of an imaginative child that helped make a VR game. It was also nice to read that the child is so broken up over what had happened to her that she resorts to using the game as a coping mechanism to either avoid the real world or remember better days.

While the story was good I did have my problems with it. For one, the story progresses a little too fast for a one shot. While one chapter stories can work at the number of words this one has, the number of things that the author tries to convey in the story is too much to properly be covered in the 2.5k words this story is. To give you context, The author wants you to; 1) care about everyone introduced, 2) feel sad when things go bad, and 3) become invested in the world they have set up. While it does accomplish 3), it is for the wrong reasons. I became interested due to the premise being an interesting one and due to being totally confused as to what the heck just happened and what any of this means. It serves as a decent prequel for the Pony-Me™ but mostly for those who are already invested in the story. Second, one of the big things I love to read is sad/dark stories, so when I heard this was a sad story I immediately jumped on it. The sad thing is, the story is too short to have the tragedy have any impact. Since we are only given around 500 words to care about the individual characters before things do go sideways, it has the emotional impact of seeing a cat kill a mouse, sad, but it's just some mouse. If the author wants the reader to really feel the emotional impact of the tragedy there needs to be a reason for them to care other than the individuals simply being related to the protagonist. Finally, the constant jumping between Twilight and the main character is a little jarring. It helps to convey that the two are connected but it happens too often and the Twilight sections could be taken out without hurting the story.

Pros:
Interesting premise.
Sadness makes me happy.

Cons:
There wasn't enough set up for the sadness to have a great deal of impact.
The construction jumps around a little too much for my taste.

Rating:
Sadness; 3/10
Premise: 7/10
Construction; 5/10

As an intro to the wider universe; 4/10, I would not recommend starting with this.
As a side story to the main one; 7/10, while this might explain some things in the main story the problems still stand that this is too short and sporadic in its construction to really serve as a decent expansion to the main story, especially if the goal was to elicit a sympathetic/sorrowful response.

6699839
Ah, it seems that the ol' too-short-of-a-chapter has come back to bite me.

The original story, Pony-Me, used to have that problem as well but was even worse with many, many early chapters being well below the 1,000-word mark. That's largely been resolved with later chapters, however, but I don't currently plan on returning to add more material to early chapters anytime soon, as it'd be an absolute mess to manage the new content as it carries over into later chapters.

6699839
Nice review, just keep in mind you have to move the story to your folder when you have done one.