TWILIGHT!!! by BradyBunch

Pros:

• The introduction is short and to the point, I really appreciate that. A bit about the set up and surroundings, thats it. No useless waves of paragraphs about nonsense like in so many other stories.
• One half of the writing style feels good, it really fits for the story and what it is about. It's like a good old story telling.
• A good ending in sense of style and humour.

Cons:

• The other half of the writing style is dissapointing and wasn't necassary. Like capitalization of whole sentences to show they are yelled and interpunctation and therelike.
• It feels like there are mixed two writing styles and ways to tell a story that shouldn't be mixed because they don't go along each other smoothly.

Summary:
The story starts quite well, it feels good to read it and it gets the right emotions and amtmosphere across. So the build up is well done. Though, when the content of the story comes into play, there it gets dissapointing. The choosen second writing style doesn't benefit the story at all. While the idea and the sense for humour is to see in middle part of this story, the use of crazy formatting and wordchoice, also behaviour of the second main character feels odd. It is maybe because of the random tag that he acts and speak the way he does, but the story doesn't benefit from it at all in my opinion.

If the author would have stayed with the original style and made the humour a bit more serious I would surely have loved this story. This way however, I can say that the author had a good idea, is able to write nicely and also had made a good entertaining ending, but, had made a bad choice at adding the random tag and content here.

Don't get me wrong, there is use for this kind of randomness and formatting, but not in this story.

Rating:

• Story Idea: 7/10 It is good.
• Writing Style: 1.5/10 + 9.5/10
• Entertainment/Humour: 6/10

Total: 24/40 = 6/10

6700387
I can see where your criticism lies. My thought while writing it is that if I mixed the calm, educated style of Twilight with the chaotic and stuttering style of Firestorm, it would provide two good contrasts of character.

6700395
Mhh, after you explained it, I say you did well on that. It is a heavy contrast and this may be how Firestorm should be characteristed.

Though, I still don't think it benefit your story. The 'Twilight style' feels smooth and welcoming to a reader, or better to a reader like me. It gives the necassary info and also produce a good reading atmosphere. All along the story I enjoyed this style. 'Firestorms style' on the other hoof was jarring, it may fit for him, but for a read it only gets in the way. So my opinion would be to keep the storytell perspective at Twilight and let Firestorms actions speak for himself.