Brotherhood and Betrayal by BradyBunch

[I should say that this story has been reviewed at least two times before and I have read these reviews prior to reading this fic for the first time so my critical eye has been compromised.]

This was an interesting story to read. It is perhaps the only story I know of that tackles the topic of the relationship/falling out of Tirek and Scorpan. I liked how Tirek was portrayed as a character (but that's probably because I prefer villains). But the most enjoyable aspect of the story was the fight sequence. While I like my combat and bloodshed a little closer to realism or excessive the level done here was appropriate for a T story. While I would have also preferred Tirek to have more attacks than “punch, use Lazor, repeat” ad Infinitum, the creativity with the fight on the part of Scorpan made up for it.

Now, on to the criticisms. First up, the writing could use some work. It's not that it's bad, far from it, it's just that the structure is one of the strangest I've ever seen. Some good examples are these. Near the beginning of the story, Tirek straight us sais his and Scorpan’s backstory. If this doesn't sound that bad to you imagine it like this, you and your friend play a co-op game and win a match, your friend then proceeds to recount everything about the match instead of just the highlights or good parts. Doesn't that not sound right? When having two characters that both experienced something start talking about that thing, it is best to have them refer to as little as possible and then have one character fill in the reader on the rest in their head. The second example would be the constant use of actual names between the two or saying “my brother”. This might just be a stylistic choice, in which case it would be hard to justify docking points, but doing this just makes the dialog seem… off. The final thing I would like to say about the writing would be that it gets needlessly wordy at times. There are a few times that simmilies and descriptions are employed that just don't serve the story and could be taken out without hurting the quality. Other than the writing style the lead up to the fight was not as good as it could have been. The back and forth between Tirek and Scorpan really didn't delve into the differences between the two’s philosophies other than at a surface level. With a few hundred more words added to that part where is more of an explanation of just why they are like the way they are the fight could have had a bit more oomph to it in terms of emotional impact. Finally, the ending. This ending burst a few blood vessels for me, not because it was bad, but because it is the ultimate example of mitoclorians in action. By this, I am referring to self-fulfilling prophecies. If anyone remembers Star Wars episode 3 this is very reminiscent of that. It tries to depict a charicter as good but stepping back and examining it causes you to realize the true villain wasn’t Tirek. Spoilers: the ending is the ultimate example of a malevolent god according to Epicurus

Just a personal gripe I have (not counted towards score) would be the power levels being used. Scorpan and Tirek keep saying that Tirek is the more powerful one but it really doesn't come across. While this seems to be part of the point this actually brings up a bit of a plot hole. We can see that Tirek has just raw power but Scorpan has enough power to fight off Tirek and also has more tricks to use. We see that he is smarter than his brother by his clever use of these spells so why is Tirek consitered to be stronger and why did Scorpan not instantly win due to equal, if not greater, power and superior tactics.

Final scores:

Characters: 3/10, This was… a story. Something I should say right off the bat is that I’m a sucker for villains. I love the antagonists and morally deprived characters more than I do heroes usually. So making a story about Tirek instantly drew my attention. The problem I have is that in this story he kind of comes across as a just slightly more competent and effectual than the Storm King. Additionally, the dynamic between the brothers was weird. We keep being told the Tirek is the older, more capable brother but we never actually see Scorpan defer to him in this manner, if anything they come across as equals in the story. While this might be what the author was trying to convey it just comes off as odd that Scorpan himself keeps saying he’s weaker despite us seeing that he is a perfect match, if not greater in power, than his brother. Finally, the interactions between them don't feel natural, it feels like the author is trying to force the events to take place. Neither brother really argues their case of fully challenges the other's position, it’s just “I’m right you're wrong” until fists start getting thrown.

Plot: 8/10, the plot progresses rather well. If the character interactions were just a little bit more organic and the progression of the story a little slower this would be an incredible story.

Fight: 7/10, this was well choreographed. If only we had more inspiration in terms of fighting tactics/prowess in terms of Tirek this would have been perfect.

Summary: While this is a good story the big thing holding it back is its charicters. While this might be excusable in more plot/world building stories, when in a story like this one, where the main thing happening is character interaction and exploration, the problem is noticeable and detracts from the experience.

Score: 18/30 or 6/10

I understand your criticisms. It's painful to acknowledge that your work needs improvement, but I think you drove home some pretty good points. Thanks for reviewing, even if you didn't like it as much as I thought you would.

I have noticed my wordiness at times. Mostly because I want to jack up the word count of the story and include detail. I should cut back on that.

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The problem isn't your wordiness, it's that your words are used in the wrong places. In my critique, I said that the lead up to the fight needed more words while in other parts words should be subtracted. A good thing to watch would be videos talking about Chekhov's Gun if you want to increase word count but make sure what you write has impact. I tend to write story chapters longer than yours so if you want some advice PM me and I can run you through how I increase my word counts but prevent needless additions. I won't say I'm perfect, I do have a tendency to go overboard on descriptions and break the rule, but I can help point you in what I think is the right direction.