The Hero Club by Mind Jack

Pros:

1. Well written introducion of Boomer.
2. The first dinner talk raise some interest.
3. Hugs!
4. The characters themselves are displayed and describted in an interesting way.

Cons:

1. The punctation and wordchoice could need some improving.
2. Minty, really? How original...
3. The scenes are extendet too much here and there, I admit I got bored after a while whenever the focus was not on the characters.

Summary:
Alright, this story does some things right, there are good moments and the characters are interesting to read about.

Though, the overall story is average so far, a filly with bad background meets two others and it seems they get in trouble together. Nothing really catchy about that.

My personal problem with this story is that the focus is not really clear and there is a lack of things that catch my interest. The story does follow a 'red-line' from what I can tell by the way it is written and how the scenes are connected, but some scenes just don't blent in so well. I mean the tags are adventure, drama and mystery. Two tags of that I actually like a lot, but the mystery part is very limited so far, though it has it moments and the adventure part is not there yet, it is more slice of life, just that the main character is a bit more the wildfang type.

This may be because there are only two chapters yet.

So in general spoken, the only average main story (at least what is displayed so far) doesn't really do much to keep one reading or entertains, but, the characters do. While we follow the main character, we read about some interesting ponies she meets during her way and how they react and how they deal with her, is entertaining. Also I can see a few approaches for a good plot devlopment and upcomming mystery, but the slow main pacing holds them down sadly.

My opinion is that this story could benefit a lot by increasing the pace in matter of mentioning the surroundings, scene description and therelike.

At the end of the summary I would like to say that Daffodil's behaviour points in a certain direction that the rating of the story (E) not supports. So this character is quite mysterious at the moment, though, she leaves a bad taste on my tongue at some spots of the story.

Rating:
Idea: 3.5/10 I only can judge what is there yet and it is not that catchy.
Characters 8/10 Like I said, they are good descripted and interesting.
Entertainment factor 4/10 It points with drama and a little bit with mystery
(in matter of mystery, drama and Adventure)

15.5/30 = 5.2/10

Can't say any of your criticisms weren't fair. Though I must ask, what do you mean about punctuation and word choice? The story has gone through multiple rounds of editing every chapter, so I'd like to tell my editors what to look out for in the future.
Also the Minty thing was a one time joke. Won't come up again.

6766363
Stuff like this:

pulling it shot her a dirty look. With a wince, she complied and hopped out. She barely got to pull out her dark-green saddlebags before the stallion took off, pulling into the air and left Gusty in the dust

The story just started and you already have a version of 'pull' three times in your first paragraph. it is a question of wordchoice and varity. It is not wrong by the rules of the english language of course, but that stuff can get the read a bit less entertaining real quick.

About the punctation, while I read your story, I found some commas missing or to much when I read stuff out loud. I admit here, that I am not capable of judging the english rules for them,and your editors may very well be right to place or not to place them, but from how it sounds, it felt a bit edgy here and there.

6766363

Also the Minty thing was a one time joke. Won't come up again.

The con section shows stuff that I consider negative while reading, so even it was a one time joke, it was so worn out I placed it there because it made me roll my eyes. I like Snake Eyes though.

6766376
Thank you. I'll go over it and see if I can change some things up to fix that.
Are there rules for resubmitting stories? Maybe once the story has progressed and improved I can give it another shot. I think I may have submitted too early. I was a little too eager to get feedback. Maybe, if it's allowed, I'll resubmit when the first couple of arcs are done.
EDIT: Sorry for deleting this same comment moments ago. I forgot to post it as a reply to your previous comment.

6766386
That is a part of what this group is fore, to give you Reviews and FEEDBACK

You can add your story a second time of course, though, according to the rules I made, it gets less priority for the second run. People who haven't got a review will be considered first. Otherwise I think it would be unfair and people would have to wait very long for even a first review.

I plan to take your advice to heart. Especially about the pacing. I think I will up the story back to T rating as well. Sorry if I seem a bit monotone. This was kinda my first major negative criticism, and I'm a little disappointed in myself for not doing better.

6766396
Well it was not only negative, you did some parts quite good like I said.

my first major negative criticism

Did you applied for a neutral review somewhere else before?

6766424
I've applied for reviews elsewhere, but haven't received any so far other than this one. I haven't gotten many comments either. I was overeager to increase my readership, so I just tried to get it into every group I could think of that might fit it.

6766429
Than this could be the reason, your 'normal' readers chose your story by their interest and read for their liking only. If they like it, good, if not they just stop and leave. I however got the job to make a review by you and therefore may bit a bit more nitpicky about the overall impression and details in matter of entertainment.

6766437
Yeah. That's perfectly understandable. Thanks.
Great job on the review. Not overly harsh, and it just lit a fire under me to want to get better. ^^

6766440
I am glad you liked it

6766441
Oh! One more thing I'd like some clarification on. (Sorry. I just really really want to make my story as good as it can be.)
You mentioned some scenes are a little overextended and you got bored when focus wasn't on the characters. Which scenes were those?

6766446
Mhh, here we have to look at the bigger picture a bit. Whenever the overall story progress is slow and nothing entertaining happens so the focus drifts of, the scenes get that way in my opinion.
To look a little bit closer:
Your story starts with a slow pacing for example, a scene I read/saw/heard very often in various ways, so it is not catchy anymore. There is the highlight missing, something that makes your story unique or memorable. If you remember the Harry Potter movie for example, it doesn't start with his life at the Dursleys in the movie, it starts with the dark street and mysterious wizards.

Then, after a interesting scene with the trophy room, we have the common 'show me around' part in the town shortly after which drags the pace down again. It gets better and entertainign when Snake Eyes show up of course, though, the entertainment curve was low for a moment.

Also there is the scene like the 'interrogation' , first this feels very off for a E rated story also it sets the whole atmosphere in a different direction. (that was one of the scenes I mean that doesn't blent in well) It follows the main line of your story but brakes the actuall flow.

And finnaly we have them go to scool, you used that to show Snake Eyes steal and the Icy nurse, but the main point was so predictable that it got boring a bit.

6766468
Alright. I think I see your point. Thank you very much for your time and advice. It means a lot, and I hope it will help me do better in the future.