Fic Name: Love, and Other Felonies by PatchworkPoltergeist

Summary of Fic:
Within the alternate universe in which Nightmare Moon won, Night Chamberlain Rarity ends up falling head over heels for Night Guard Moonbow Dash. The only problem? Devoting one's love entirely to someone not Nightmare Moon is a crime, and the punishment is death.

Scores:
Spelling, Grammar, and Flow: 3.5/5 (7/10)
Reasoning:
The work, while usually grammatically correct, does run into issues with how it constructs sentences, and its use of parenthesis. The author has an unfortunate habit of separating descriptions from the introduction of the thing being identified, leaving them hanging, as well as placing entire sentences in parenthesis. The proper use of parenthesis is to provide an afterthought or addendum to an existing sentence, and the use to provide internalized thoughts would be more appropriately marked by italics. These issues may jar the reader from their immersion. However, the readability is still strong, and overall the grammar and spelling is immaculate through the work.

Concept: 5/5 (10/10)
Reasoning:
The concept is inherently unique, in that while taking an aspect directly from the show, it is an aspect relatively unexplored in terms of fiction, and the way in which it is explored allows use of elements not common in other fics. Additionally, the idea is interesting, and has an inherent draw to readers of a certain genre.

Execution: 4/5 (8/10)
Reasoning:
While the concept is strong, the execution falters under a few issues. Rainbow tends to fall a bit flat as a character, as she seems to show little to no emotion or real impact to events that occur. Additionally, the tone has a habit of not blending well during certain scenes, which is understandable, since the positive emotion of romance does not always mesh well with the fear of death, but does mean scenes that might be tense can be undermined by a more positive tone. However, this does not detract heavily from the narrative provided, and while some things are glossed over in terms of reaction, Rarity's character is genuinely interesting, if a touch one note.

Engagement: 3.5/5 (7/10)
Reasoning: This is partially on me, I didn't check the tags fully. I'm usually not the biggest fan of sexual works, and so the second chapter hitched a couple times, which does impact this score. While the overall story was good, and I found myself reading the majority of it, there were some scenes, particularly a party scene in the first chapter, that tended to drag a bit. Also, I found myself skipping some paragraphs that seemed to just give an emphasis to existing details without expanding on them or introducing new aspects or plot elements.

Positive Aspects:
Overall, a good portrayal of an interesting main character.
A unique concept with high potential.
Good use of integrated descriptions of world history.
Well paced in most areas
Strong spacial descriptions.
Exceptional use of simile and metaphor, especially when accentuating the brutality of certain scenes.

Negative Aspects:
Small personal details of Rarity's past tend to be described without being tied in to the story, giving them a very "telling instead of showing" feel.
The perspective through most of the work is third person focused, with the focus being Rarity. However, there are some descriptions that seemingly shift perspective and give direct explanation to other character's actions.
The author tends to leave a number of movements without detail, letting the basic concept stand alone. This led me to question the reason for a lack of flair at parts.
Rarity tends to gloss over some significant realizations, including the collapse of a excuse she'd been internalizing. This tends to result in feeling like some scenes are missing impact, since I was waiting for this particular realization to come about, only for the result to be underwhelming.

I'd like to note the last point is very much nitpicking. This is not something I think will affect most people's enjoyment of the work, but it is something the author could have handled a bit better.

Recommendations to the Author:
- I'd advise having someone pick up the story and check the grammar and flow, as it could be jarring.
- When writing, think about the consequences of events. While some scenes were treated with appropriate gravitas, there were some scenes that just skipped over the emotions that would accompany the events unfolding.
- If a sentence is fewer than five to seven words, it might be a fragment of an existing sentence you've cut off, or it might be missing some details. Give a bit of character to descriptions of actions, and tie details back into a sentence using commas so you don't have fragments lying about.
- KEEP WRITING! I can't stress this enough: the best way I can recommend to improve your skills is keep trying!

Final Notes:
Just a note: I stopped after chapter two, not because I couldn't continue, but due to me not checking all the tags and realizing I might devalue the work's actual merits if I continued once I did.

I honestly enjoyed reading this, up until a rather graphic detail in the second chapter caused me to recheck the tags for the story. I'd missed the sexual tag, one which unfortunately I tend to struggle to connect with. However, the sexuality was very tame up till that point, and I quite enjoyed both the concept, the author's dark approach to this alternate timeline, and the bonding of the various characters. Rarity plays well as our protagonist, trying to conform her personal emotions with the harsh societal rules she finds herself in. Moonbow I found I cared little for, but still valued because Rarity cared for her. Moondancer can bounce between a mentor figure and a representation of society itself, leading to a harsh parental figure in the story. The use of language was inconsistent, but was used immaculately in some sections, which really brought the world to life for a few minutes Honestly, the story holds a lot of potential, especially considering the twist at the end of chapter two. It struggles a bit with grammar and sentence flow, and the pacing isn't consistently strong, but overall this is a work I think most people can engage with and enjoy, providing they like dark stories with an illicit romance and sexual overtones.

Final grade: 80%

6808154

...as well as placing entire sentences in parenthesis. The proper use of parenthesis is to provide an afterthought or addendum to an existing sentence...

Can you cite a source that it's "wrong" to make an entire sentence a parenthetical? I've never heard this claim before.

I'd also be curious to get an example of some of the "issues with how it constructs sentences"; I was one of several people who proofed this for Patchwork, and I'd like to know what you think we missed.

6808608
Alright, going through your points:
Perhaps "it's totally wrong" was an improper way of putting it, as it is not technically incorrect to do so. You can have a entire sentence be a continuation of thought separate from the topic, and thus have an entire sentence in parenthesis. However, I would argue that it's more traditional use is to provide an addendum, so I still would say that it was jarring, at the very least in term of sentence flow. I'd recommend switching to a direct thought style for those sections, as it tends to be less jarring.

As for your second comment, I have some examples:

He shifted on his hooves. Bored.

Based on how the two sentences are directly following each other, I'd assume a direct relationship between the two. However, the period seperates it into two statements, so it feels like two separate events, more like "He shifted on his hooves. He was bored." than "He shifted on his hooves, as he was bored."

Please. Please, please know that I am trying my best

Separation of first please via period creates a jarring and confusing effect.
Note that these are sentence flow errors, not strict grammatical errors. That means that some aspect of their construction is unclear, confusing, or otherwise breaks me directly from immersion.

Overall, keep in mind this is MY perspective. If there are parts of this review you or the author disagree with, there's nothing saying you have to accept it in full. In fact, I encourage you to use your discretion here, as I'm still new to reviewing and may occasionally make mistakes. This is one stance on the story, not the definitive conclusion on it's quality.

I understand that you're new to reviewing--new to writing as well, it seems--and I understand that you're learning. This, I feel, is a learning experience, because what concerns me here is not that you disagree on the quality of my story, but that you seem to have entirely missed a basic and common form of diction and common literary technique. I'm surprised to see someone unfamiliar with it, to be honest.

When sentences are clipped and short, they're used that way for a reason. Long flowing sentences carry you along like a river, short ones act as a brick wall. Short sentences, such as the one you cited above, have a reason to be short. In this instance, it's to create tension.

He shifted on his hooves. Bored.

Perhaps fashion had been a poor choice of subject matter. “General Windrider has far better things to do, I’m sure.” In the corner of Rarity’s eye, a familiar shade of creamy yellow cut through a crowd of commoners. Headed her way.

Rarity is desperate to keep Gladmane talking because she doesn't want Moondancer to talk to her and find out what she's been doing in the pantry. The realization that he's bored is sudden--it's supposed to be jarring. "He shifted on his hooves, as he was bored." only tells us that Gladmane is bored, while the pair of short sentences implies that Rarity has noticed that he's bored, and also implies that this observation is important. Short sentences like this are for emphasis. It disrupts because the mood has been disrupted.

Additional sources for use at your discretion:
https://writology.com/blog/writing-effective-sentences-long-vs-short-sentences.html
https://www.smekenseducation.com/Convey-Tone-and-Mood-with-Sentence-Length.html

I'm not concerned about my own review when I point this out. I say this because the rules for fiction are different than rules for structured nonfiction. As the adage goes, one should know the rules before you can break them. (Most of the time, those rules are often broken for the sake of style, tone, or emphasis, as with the case here).

I didn't check the tags fully. I'm usually not the biggest fan of sexual works, and so the second chapter hitched a couple times, which does impact this score.

I stopped after chapter two, not because I couldn't continue, but due to me not checking all the tags and realizing I might devalue the work's actual merits if I continued once I did.

I'm perplexed at where you saw sexual stuff in the second chapter, though. The only two sex scenes are in chapter one and chapter four, with mild allusions scattered through the rest of it. (By the by, when sentences are contained in parentheses like this, it's an aside. It's not directly related to the rest of the paragraph, but a side observation; that's why the sentence isn't integrated with the rest of the paragraph.)

Rainbow tends to fall a bit flat as a character, as she seems to show little to no emotion or real impact to events that occur.

That's what chapters three through five are for. Also, Rainbow's not only a guard and expected not to show much emotion anyway, but Heartcrime will literally get you executed. It's a good idea to keep your feelings to yourself. If you notice, the majority of Rarity's emotions are expressed in the narrative text or in the written devotionals, while she's mostly aloof or neutral in dialogue.

However, it also seems that this wasn't your type of story, to begin with. It's the custom here to match reviewers with their preferred wheelhouses, right?
Would it at all be possible to request a second opinion from another reviewer who's more comfortable with the content, or perhaps has more experience with review and critique?

Thank you for taking the time to review it anyway; even if I didn't find it particularly helpful I still appreciate it.

6809198
Alright, going through.
1. Good to know. I honestly can't say I've seen that before, in any fiction I've read. It jumped out to me as disruptive to the flow, so I marked it as an issue. If the intent was to disrupt, then obviously it's meeting its purpose. I am familiar with sentence length, but to separate two sentences so directly linked seemed off to me. Mistake on my part, apologies. I'll keep it in mind for the future.

2. The sexual note was just a single line, but was explicit enough to shock me into checking the tags. While there was sex in the first chapter, it was understated enough it slipped by as a "oh, maybe I'm reading too much into this" moment.

3. As for Rainbow's character, I only reviewed what I read. If the next few chapters fleshed her out, then it's not something I would have noticed.

4. I'm sorry if you felt this wasn't helpful to you. Please, do feel free to request it for another review. I'd personally recommend Shattendrache, it seems somewhat more up his alley with darker tones and themes. Of course, check his post to make sure you don't have tags he won't consider.

Overall, I'm sorry my inexperience ended up being an issue, but this is funnily enough the exact reason I decided to review: to learn. Some stuff went over my head this time, next time I'll keep an eye out for it. I feel some of my comments still apply to your work, but completely understand if the mistakes make you distrustful of the entirety. Hope you find more luck in finding what you're looking for in a review.

6808608 6808850 6809198
https://www.dailywritingtips.com/15-purposes-for-parentheses/ this site is linked directly on the writing guide on this site. Naitoshadou is correct in his assertion that Italics are the ideal form of internal monolog in these cases. Parentheses used in this manner is a practice best saved for non-formal, non-creative writing.

He shifted on his hooves. Bored.

I, as an editor, would have corrected this to 'He shifted on his hooves, bored.' as this is less jarring and flows a bit better.

If you want, I could look over the story for a second review.

As for how this group works, it's more similar to a combination of Reviewers Cafe, in that we have a folder that reviewers of the group personally chose the story they would like to review, and The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group, as authors can apply to have their story reviewed by a specific reviewer.

6809622
All of the examples given in that link are from professional/nonfiction/governmental/journalism sources, not fiction prose. Below the examples, it explains how to correctly punctuate a complete sentence set off as an aside within parentheses, without passing judgement on where or when such a usage is inappropriate. I'm not sure what in that article makes you think such a usage is unacceptable in fiction.

You are correct that italics are used for internal monologue when it's a direct transcription of a character's inner thought, such that if the character had voiced that thought, it would be enclosed in quotation marks. However, that isn't what Patchwork was doing, so the criticism is misapplied. She was having the character of narrative focus (Rarity) deeply influence the narration itself, without actually falling into direct first-person perspective or transcribed inner thoughts. This idea of having the character influence the narration, rather than having the narrator be a purely objective reporter of facts and events, is widely considered to be an excellent, effective way to immerse your reader in your world, to show your reader how your character is feeling and reacting without telling them.

You could perhaps argue that Patchwork's choice to take this idea to its logical extreme by allowing Rarity's influence over the narrative to result in extended parenthetical asides wasn't as effective as she'd hoped. You could acknowledge that you personally don't enjoy this stylistic choice, but you can see what the author is attempting. But to say that using parentheses in this way is incorrect is, well, incorrect.

The same issue applies to the other cited passages, just writ smaller. The fragmentary sentences are Rarity's inner turmoil bleeding over into the narration. I'm surprised that presumably well-read reviewers haven't encountered this before, in well-written fanfic and published fiction.

6809645
The use of parentheses is more of a personal thing as I have never to my knowledge seen a piece of fiction, published or otherwise, use them.
(This sentiment seems to be shared by several people too)
https://astheheroflies.wordpress.com/2016/06/03/using-parentheses-in-fiction-writing/
https://theeditorsblog.net/2015/09/02/dealing-with-interruptions/
https://writing.stackexchange.com/questions/11113/parenthesis-types-in-fiction
These were literally the first three results I got from searching parentheses in fiction writing. Here is my exact search where I found these so you can see that I was not trying to be biased. I will admit that the use of parentheses is in no way grammatically incorrect (but I would like to say that their use in fiction, at least from what the consensus seems to be, is deleterious to reader immersion and should be avoided as an unwritten rule. At 4:47 in this video, the creator begins to describe how genre mixing can work but why you don't mix some genres together as it requires a level of understanding of the two that most people don't have. I feel that using parentheses in fiction falls under this description and should be avoided as a general rule, but I am entirely open to being proven wrong) As for my inclusion of the site in question, that was the one on the writing guide, so I wanted to cite internally before bringing in outside sources.

As I have not read the story, I can only go off of what was placed in this thread as to what was done in the story. I will need to read it so I can understand the full context as to how the parentheses were used and make an informed decision as to how they affect the story. From how it was phrased in the review, it sounded as if the parentheses were being used to substitute italics in the denotation of an internal monolog.

I can't fully parse what you are trying to say in the last paragraph but here is my response to what I think you are saying. I understand this, which is why I only made a comment in regards to 'He shifted on his hooves, bored.' as you and Patchwork are correct in the use of shorter sentences being useful and good practice for specific situations. I have read stories that have used shortened sentences and fragments to great effect. But again, I have yet to read the story, so my ability to judge their use here is non-existent.