[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

Read: Completed at 2151 words, 1 chapter
Rating: 4/10
Recommendation: Skip

Sometimes, you have a good idea for a story and, against all odds, you write it out well. This is not one of those times. As charming as the idea of Rainbow Dash and Applejack attempting to introduce alcohol into their rivalry is, Nailah’s clumsy prose lets it down significantly.

That’s basically all there is to the story here; Dash wants an excuse to drink cider out of season and manages to incense Applejack into a “drinking competition of cider” with Twilight as the judge in order to do so. They spend the rest of the fic getting sloshed and flirting with each-other, while Twilight gets more and more mortified in the background.

So far so good, right? Well, no. The quote I used earlier is a direct quote. Applejack says that without a hint of sarcasm. That isn’t just fumbling the proverbial ball of dialogue - its dropping it off a cliff. Nobody talks like that - certainly not everyone’s favourite background character. It isn’t exclusive to her though either, Twilight and Dash both sound at worst completely out of character and at best disinterested and insincere.

Otherwise, the actual narration is passable, apart from a few syntax and grammar errors, but  it is nothing special. The plot also manages to hold up decently. There are, however, some issues - I understand that the characters are ponies, that is to say small horses, but then again ponies don’t drink. I have great doubts that Applejack can drink forty mugs of alcoholic cider without feeling somewhat under the table. I’m also unsure that Twilight would be so willing to judge such a contest in the first place at all, when she said herself that she doesn’t think it is a good idea and when she also mentioned that she had work to do.

Plot: 3/5. Passable
Characters: 2/5. Flat
Style: 2/5. Hard to read
Execution: 1/5. Did I mention this was tagged “comedy”
Overall Rating: 8/20 = 4/10

To Nailah: My recommendation to you would be do some revision of grammar and syntax - honestly, that never hurts and reaffirming your grasp of how to make writing flow can really help. I’d also advise you to take another look at the show itself and see how the characters talk and, also, how dialogue is written in other literature. You can clearly come up with good ideas just fine but your execution thereof needs a hand.

As always (whenever I remember to add this bit) thank for reading this review. If you enjoyed it, feel free to check out my other work here and here.