TTHE SAVAGE SWORD

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Adventure

A band of mercenaries, composed of griffons and bat ponies and led by a one winged griffon are on a quest for cold hard cash, killing whatever gets in their way.

• Gore
• Violence
• Death
• Profanity
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Bat Pony
• Griffons

anarchywolf18 · 13k words  ·  20  3 · 779 views

I read: Completed as of this review, 9,954 words, 3 chapters
Rating: 4/10
Recommendation: Skip

Well, I liked the cover art.

Can’t really say the same for the story though, what story there is here. Basically, a group of mercenaries wander through Equestria killing/maiming/eating everything that stands in their way. My question is, why would I want to read this?

For the first chapter, no characters are named. Until the third chapter, few characters have any real personality past simple tropes. You’ve got the leader with the sword. You’ve got the love interest with the knives. You’ve got the psycho who eats people. And now, this might be fun if played for laughs - it isn’t. This is played straight and the characters, in my opinion, lack the charisma to pull off this kind of vignette without the reader saying the fatal statement, “I don’t care about these people.” Also, if the mercenaries are like this, why should I root for them at all?

Furthermore, the writing here is not excellent. It is serviceable, but that’s where my praises end. It’s okay. The problem is, okay doesn’t cut it for high octane action. The whole first chapter is basically a series of fights - alas, said fights aren’t paced properly. Combat is either too fast or too slow and I never had the feeling that our protagonists might ever lose a fight. And that’s okay, if you pull a One Punch Man and play it for laughs. Again, this is serious. So what you’re left with is a series of uninteresting action scenes with unlikeable characters.

That all brings me to the idea of a Mary Sue; a perfect character, flawless and beloved by all who succeeds in all she does. And its subsequent inversion: the Anti-Sue. A jerkass character who does evil and hates stuff. I’d say the characters here border on that; they’re extremely cruel and lack the charisma to back it up. Yet they always win and are seemingly untouchable. Now, this can work, hypothetically, but it doesn’t here because it is all so darn serious.

My last gripe is the rating. If you are attentive, dear reader, you’ll notice that this story is rated “Teen.” As far as I can tell, explicit gore (like cannibalism) warrants a “Mature” rating. Now, this didn’t really bug me too much but I know it will disturb others and I’m not recommending this as is partly because of this.

Plot: 3/5. Vignettes of banal mercenary mayhem
Characters: 1/5. I cut myself on their edge.
Style: 2/5. Boring.
Execution: 2/5. Not doing the trick here.
Overall Rating: 8/20 = 4/10

To anarchywolf18: My advice would be to see how successful actions scenes are done. Reading something by Lee Child, author of the Jack Reacher series, or Stieg Larsson, author of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, might be quite inspiring. Furthermore, remember to give your characters personality. I know you can do it because you did do it in TALES OF THE DESERT RAT.

For something like this, albeit better:

1. Just read Berserk.
2. Crazy, Mad, Insane executes a similar concept, albeit with Shining Armor instead of griffins.

As always, if you enjoyed reading this, check out more of my work here.