EThe Vision of Equestria

• MLP: FiM
• Equestria Girls
• Drama

Sunburst is in shock. Another world out there? Of ponies and rainbows? What is even real anymore?

• Human
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Starlight Glimmer
• Sunburst

BradyBunch · 3.3k words  ·  10  10 · 561 views

I read: Completed at 3,348 words, 1 chapter
I rate: 4/10
I recommend: Skip.

So, your old friend turns up at your place one night wearing a trenchcoat and claiming he can do magic. He says he had a vision of an alternate reality and is now into some really edgy philosophy. Yeah, I wouldn’t believe him either. In fact, I might actually turn him away and read something else entirely.

However, Crystal Hue - the man who visits a human Sunburst to explain his magical vision and dream of Equestria - isn’t actually lying or on a stupendous amount of bath salts. He has the edgy red OC lightning magic to prove he's serious too. And that’s the plot, really. Hue is a jackass who nobody trusts because he’s a jackass and Sunburst doesn’t really have too much in the way of an actual personality. They play off each-other until Hue snaps and starts getting genocidal.

Much of this problem - the lack of interest this story generates - stems from the dialogue. Its clunky and what are intended to be highly emotional scenes aren’t because the characters don’t talk realistically. A lot of it sounds unedited and that, along with what is fairly mediocre narration, cuts the tension in half. The mysterious visitor has the proverbial wind taken out of his sails when he acts so stereotypically evil. Crystal Hue isn’t a threat or mystery when we’ve all seen the trenchcoat-wearing villain with unexplainable powers before. And again, if this well-written, that wouldn’t be a problem. But the story doesn’t flow particularly well and the pacing isn’t fantastic either.

However, apart from a lackluster cast, the actual idea of a human wanting to get Equestria and being amoral enough to try and burn the world to do so is a fairly innovative idea - at least, it is to me. 

My final criticism would be the use of an OC in the first place. As this doesn’t appear to be part of any sort of continuity, why simply use Starlight - a character both Sunburst and the audience already know and one who is already established as a disturbingly dangerous idealist? Why bring an OC into this when an actual character could work just as well, especially when said OC is quite underwhelming?

Plot: 2/5. Although the idea itself is good, the poor pacing, dud cast, and abrupt ending let it down.
Characters: 1/5. Sunburst feels bland and Crystal Hue is unlikeable and too poorly written to be threatening.
Style: 2/5. Functional but totally unremarkable.
Execution: 2/5. The idea isn’t done justice by BradyBunch’s writing here and, apart from the basic conflict, there really isn’t an effective hook to keep a reader interested.
Overall Rating: 7/20 = 4/10

To BradyBunch: My advice would be to rewrite this and put greater focus on the character’s emotions and reactions. You could possibly expand it into a multiple chapter story and give Crystal Hue some character development - or you could use Starlight for a more recognizable name because you’ve tagged her in the description already. In terms of dialogue itself, I’d advise that you have a look at an author like PG Wodehouse to see a more well-executed back and forth argument as well as carrying over some of the snark Sunburst showed shades of.

For something like this: Anthropology tackles a similar idea, albeit from Lyra's perspective looking into the human world.

As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this review, why not check out more of my writing here?