Summary

This is a story about The Blue EM2 transforming into the Equestria Girls Apple Bloom, not by choice.

There are spelling and grammar errors throughout the story. However, these can be summed up as self-correction errors... I'll explain what that is in feedback. Just know it is something every writer and editor does.

The story has an interesting structure, it is written like a journal that was known to be posted and read. Because of this, there are tones of self-aware moments. However, they reach the fine line between self-awareness and fourth-wall-breaking. Of course, there are moments where the fourth-wall is actively broken although that can be seen as normal because it seems to be written on the spot by the protagonist.

I love the amount of self-aware comedy that would rival the fourth wall breaking comedy of Deadpool. It is so well placed and makes sense whenever you think about them.

This story makes so many children show and gaming references that makes me honestly feel normal when I know I'm not.

Ratings

Realism:

10/10

This story is spot on with realistic reactions and characters. With the writing style, there is always going to be a sense of untrustworthiness due to how it is written like a journal. However, every snarky comment, lore addition and transformation detail are realistic with a nice hint of interesting.

Ending & bouns:

8/10

The last two chapters of the story are amazingly emotionally impactful and left the imagination speeding by. This is what most stories hope to have as an ending. However, what prevents this story from its perfect ten is mostly how the change of tone is extremely different from the early chapters.

Comedy & Thriller mix:

4/10

The comedy and tension don't add up well leading heavily on the side of comedy. I understand how in some points the tension would match up with that of a thriller. However, the amount of self-aware comedic tension lifts negate any serious thriller themes. I will give you an award that, The Blue EM2 has been able to mix them much better in later chapters when they dial back the comedy, I suggest rewriting the earlier chapters so you can have that nice mix.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

Within the second chapter, I would suggest only keeping the italics to the ending part of the song to add more effect.

Now what most people are here for, what the hell is a self-correction error?

A self-correction error is an error that is readers make while they read a story or a large piece of text. It happens when the brain automatically corrects a small error and it is a common error to find and have when writing or editing. An easy way to fix these errors is to slowly read the text out loud.

The Blue EM2

The Blue EM2 #2 · Dec 15th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Reply

7082306
Thanks for the review. I partly wrote this story as a response to most displaced stories, which have overpowered characters being sent into MLP, where they don't belong, and promptly become mary sues. I noticed nobody had tried it with Equestria Girls or background characters. Add in the fact that there were no EqG Apple Bloom TFs at the time of writing, and this idea was born.

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