TThe Burden of Hope

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Mystery
• Tragedy

Finding his conscious after what could be years of rest, a lone pony is left to learn about the fate of his home.

• Violence
• Death
• Alt. Universe
• OC

Mykola · 35k words  ·  11  1 · 259 views

Hoo boy, where do I begin? This is one of the first long fics I’ve reviewed for this group, and… it definitely felt like it. The author alludes to an amazing world with a diverse cast of characters, filled with its own lore and stories. However, most of the mystery and wonder isn’t really explored, and the story feels to me like it’s part one to something bigger. And if it is I’m totally on board, but on it’s own I can’t help but feel a bit lost and confused after reading. So let’s dive right on in. 

First things first: this is a slow burn story. This is not a high octane adventure like Seriff Pilcrow’s Spectrum of Lightning and it’s not a traditional mystery like PonyJosiah13’s Ponyville Noire either (which is what I’ve been reading lately). This is a story that is meant to take its time, building on intrigue and mystery as it slowly introduces you into this strange new world. 

Now, do slow burns work? Absolutely. And I applaud the author for taking this approach in a genre that’s come to be almost defined by quick, fast paced stories with colorful heroes and villains.

The plot itself follows a pony who mysteriously wakes up in a snow covered field, alone, with no recollection of their previous life. From the start it’s clear that this pony is important, as the author goes into quite a bit of detail describing things like his hooves:

“He saw the stars and the infinite. The stallion didn’t understand, this made no sense. Why would the stars be painted on the bottom of his hooves?

The stallion stared at the strange energy that gathered and swirled around his hooves. Had he walked upon the night sky?

The stallion is then recovered by a patrol and brought to the city of Grad, a settlement made in the middle of a wasteland. From here the pony is given the name Void Walker, and he learns of the settlement’s struggle against an entity called ‘The Dark.’ The town is then attacked by unidentified beings, and Void leads the fight against them.

There’s a lot of lore that is teased at, and it's clear the author has quite a lot of ideas. We learn of characters like the Lord General, Proud Defender, and how he built Grad from scratch. We learn of the General Prosecutor who governs the Grad, and the Iron Order which protects it. 

We also find out that Void Walker, like many others in Grad, has died. He has no memories of his past and who he was, and he doesn’t know why his body is the way it is. There are so many questions here that I really, really want to give it high marks for plot.

But… here’s where I have a problem. The author raises so many intriguing questions throughout the story. Who is Void Walker? Why do ponies who die end up here? What is The Dark? Who is the mysterious pony that only Void seems to see? Who is the voice inside of Void’s head? Who is the character that corrupts Lost Light? How the Elements, who were mentioned in the description, play out in this story?

Yet none of these questions are given an answer. So much is left unfulfilled that after forty thousand words I feel like I’m still missing half of the story. This is going back to my previous note: I really do feel like the author has more planned, but the story itself is feeling rather incomplete. So much is teased and yet so little is shown.

Next, I want to talk about some of the action sequences. These scenes are very solid and I applaud the author for their work here. But, and you know there’s a but, I just wish there was more.

I know this story is a slow burner. But I was expecting an explosion. Instead, the fuse just kind of burned short. I was expecting a massive, drawn out body featuring all of the characters that the author has introduced with Void leading the charge. Instead, the final battle is between him and Lost Light, not even between Void and the giant bladed flower that is threatening the city.

In fact, I don’t know if Void has any impact at all as to the overarching threat. He does take down Lost Light and I will give him credit for that, but I fail to see how this turns the tide of the battle. 

A note that I made while reading is that, for the first few chapters at least, the story seems to fall into a bit of a repetitive hole. The plot line seems to stay at ‘Void meets new pony, new pony says ‘you have to talk to this other pony,’ and Void is amazed by the city. Then the new pony says ‘you have to meet this other pony,’ and we start again. 

I understand that meeting characters seems to be a driving point of this story. On top of that, the author also breaks up the chapters nicely by inserting strange cryptic scenes alluding to some sort of storm on the horizon. My worry here is twofold: one, that the repetitive nature of the first few chapters becomes boring and dull to readers, and two that the cryptic scenes again don’t seem to get answers to the questions they raise.

So to sum things up: I love this world, and I want to know more about it. Unfortunately, the author doesn’t seem to provide much information, leaving me a bit bummed out and slightly confused. 

There are oh so many characters in this story. Lost Light, Void, Proud Defender, Forge, Skyrunner, First Flight… the list goes on. And don’t get me wrong, I myself am guilty for using tons of characters when I write. The trick becomes balancing out their importance.

I have to admit that I lost track of the characters. Because of this, I don’t think I felt the emotional impacts that the author was trying to achieve. Linebreaker for example is introduced in one chapter and quickly fades away in the next. I actually confused First Flight for Skyrunner and forgot who he was for a second.

Again, characters are a driving point of this story and I don’t have a problem with that. But I would caution the author to keep track of who they name and who they want the reader to associate and form bonds with. Because as it stands I feel a bit overwhelmed and can’t really identify with anyone.

I think characterization wise, the author does a fine job of differentiating between speakers. Each character seems to have a unique enough indicator to make them slightly different from everyone else. Some of the accents however are hard to place, but I think this is just because I’m an American and am trying to read these voices in an American accent. 

The author makes several frequent errors involving colons when commas suffice. I don’t want to go full on technical mode so I’ll just link a post talking about that here.

Besides that, there were a few apostrophe errors, capitalization errors, and a few semantics things (using ‘people’ rather than ‘ponies’ or ‘creatures.’) I pointed these out in my reader’s notes should the author wish to see them. I would also recommend that you consult an editor if you haven’t already to help out with some of these tiny things.

I guess one thing I can bring up is that the author uses quite a bit of double descriptions. For example things like “details and imprints,” “long and unsettling,” “nopony and nothing,” “walkways and barracks,” “banners and flags…” the list goes on. Grammatically this is sound, but there are times when the two words chosen mean practically the same thing and it becomes unnecessary to describe the subject twice.

Also, I would like to recognize that from what I can tell the author is not a speaker of American English. This didn’t affect my reading experience negatively, but there were a few strange quirks that I couldn’t quite place. This is mostly a dialectical issue, and nothing can really be done about it. The story still functions fine. 

I’m a bit torn with this story. On one hand, I applaud the author again for their marvelous world building and lore hints, imbedding information on this strange fantastical world without the use of the dreaded infodump. On the other hand, I feel empty after finishing the story because so many of my questions are still unanswered.

I do think that the author is incredibly skilled with worldbuilding and would love to know more about this strange land. I only wish they could answer all of the mysteries that they pose. So is it an adventure? Yes. Is it a mystery? Most definitely. A tragedy? I suppose. But does it give me the answers I’m looking for? I sadly can’t say that it does.

If you’re a fan of slow burns and have the time and grit to tackle a fairly long work, or if you’re interested in lore and worldbuilding, I would recommend you give this work a shot despite everything I’ve said.

I really do think you are onto something wonderful with the world you’ve set up. I don’t know if you have any future plans to continue with this story, but I am most definitely intrigued with the mysteries you’ve introduced. I’m not saying that you MUST provide an answer to every single question, but I do think you’d benefit from answering at least a few.

I do have my reading notes for your fic, if you would like to see them let me know.

Plot: 6/10
Characterization: 5/10
Grammar: 6/10 

Average: 5.67

I would like to thank you for the informative and critical view of my story, it is greatly appreciated! It is great to have a series of criticisms raised that I can add to the notes of things I need to address for the upcoming sequel to this story. Admittedly this story suffered a great deal from setting up the pieces to what is to become a larger narrative, doing little in the way of setting up essential characters but not exploring in-depth who specifically they were.

The slow burn was an attempt on my part to set up enough to understand the basics at the conflict at hand, though I am not sure if I specifically achieved that effect, and from what I have been told it does indeed just fizzle out toward the end. Again, hopefully, the plans I have now will help address this for the future narrative.

No need to worry about not awarding high marks where it is not deserved, it helps me significantly. After all, a slab of marble becomes no statue without being chiseled!

7184955
Glad to be of service! Looking forward to whatever you do next!

7184955

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I have my notes for your story where I point out grammar tidbits and things. If you'd like to see them let me know!

Of course! If you would like to send it over, I would appreciate having a look!