Fixing a Broken Man

Written by

Donnnnn

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/446932/fixing-a-broken-man

Summary: Life had never been fair to Jake Taylor, not since he lost his parents thanks to his negligence. So, it’s pretty safe to say he wasn’t exactly the most friendly person around.

Unfortunately, a freak accident causes him to wake up in a forest...in another world full of ponies who value friendship. Jake, not being one for friends, magic, or well, ponies, freaks out. Too bad one pony in particular won’t let him leave

Analysis: This is a rather interesting story that deals with the ideas about loss, self-acceptance, and adjusting to finding people who care about you. Humans in Equestria have been done before, but there are some traits that make him interesting. From his tragic background to his growing relationship with Twilight. I would recommend any person who likes emotional stories or Twilight shippers.

I do also think that some of the plot feels rushed, and it makes a few interesting writing choices. Let's go through how this can improve.

Writing: 7/10 My main issue with the story is that it keeps going from a first-person perspective to a third-person perspective. To give an example, here is a couple of lines from both perspectives in the story.

I woke up to an obnoxious beeping noise. I opened my eyes, but quickly squinted at the bright lights. Once my eyes adjusted, I saw and felt my arm hooked up to an IV stand. The beeping noise I had heard earlier turned out to be a hart (It should be heart.) monitor, and it was beeping steadily.

Today was no different than most days, and Twilight gave a yawn while walking back to the library from Sugarcube Corner.

The sad this is that I know what the writer is trying to accomplish. It's trying to shift from Jake's perspective to Twilight's perspective. The writer picked a poor method of trying to shift perspectives and needs to pick between first or third perspective. If you chose first-person, then add the perspective at the beginning of the change of perspective in italics.

The plot of the story: 7:10 There are some things that are rather common in human meets Equestria stories, and I'm seeing quite a few of them here in the meeting. The confusion of meeting an alicorn, the disgust when learning about a meat-eater, and the lack of trust. I do have to give extra points for having better reasoning for being a social outcast than most stories give. It adds a lot more life to the story.

Story flow: 7:10 It's fast, namely in the latter chapters. I could try and give leniency for the love story part, but there has been little to no reasoning for the ending. Maybe adding more interest for travel when introducing the character, and maybe even talking more about his curiosity about the history and geography would have given more substance to the ending. There is always a line between too much detail and too little, and I feel like there could have been a lot more detail in this story.

Final score: 21:30 7:10

There is some work to be done, namely in the way the author styles his perspectives. I do also recognize that this is a prequel. It was made to set the foundation of a character that has already been established. I do have to be grateful for that, being willing to go back and lay the stepping stones that a character had to take to arrive to his destination. This is a decent story, and I would like to see the writer improve from here.