Two Worlds, One Planet by tyrannosaurianrex9 is a story that I pulled out from the general folder because of the interesting blurb. I mean, the author is promising the introduction of dinosaurs and even the invasion of the Storm King right at the start!

Before I carry on, please note that, at the time of this review, the author has published only the first three chapters. This review will hence consider the only first three chapters of the story.

Summary

At the start, Twilight was trying to decipher the origins of the Elements of Harmony by consulting her vast reserves of books, at least until Spike distracted her with breakfast. At the same time, Fluttershy discovered a strange, new animal in the Everfree Forest. Of course, there must be someone watching, behind the scenes.

As Twilight was about to consume her breakfast, Princess Celestia suddenly proclaimed the celebration of “Friendship Day,” which stunned Twilight; but what Fluttershy informed Twilight soon after shocked her even more. Ultimately, both headed to Sweet Apple Acres for their own reasons to find, to their horror, the destruction wrought upon the farm, likely executed by the animals described by Fluttershy.

As Twilight continued to head around to fix up the celebrations despite the scene of destruction, meeting Rainbow Dash and Rarity, Princess Celestia requested for Twilight’s presence in Canterlot, allowing her to witness the invasion of the Storm King. This also meant that Spike was left to orchestrate the celebrations, so he left to find the rest of the Mane 6, to no avail, prompting them to rush to hunt for Twilight to assist them. Thanks to this, Twilight was saved by Rainbow Dash at the end from impending doom.

Content/Plot Analysis

Characterization is the subject that always kicks off my content analysis section, so let’s begin, shall we? While Twilight and the rest of the six seem to, in general, be in their character, I would like to point out that some of Fluttershy’s mannerisms were not. I would consider Fluttershy to be a less assertive pony at this point in time, yet some of the descriptions of her body language and her dialogue did not seem to match up with her, such as –

“‘That thing you found is not an animal’, she says.” Fluttershy grumbled, “Oh I’ll show her I’m right!"

Fluttershy scoffed. "Okay, that's just ridiculous!"

To help correct this, the author should consider words of a weaker connotation to show the shyness of Fluttershy.

Now, let’s delve into the plot. The story begins to show the curiosity that Twilight had of the Elements of Harmony, and their existence. Granted, Twilight must have these burning queries since her awareness of the Elements of Harmony which fits in line with her personality, but I felt that there was a need to convince the reader of why Twilight was fixated on this subject, when the story is set at the end of the first season. Perhaps there was a reason why Twilight did not embark on this journey earlier, closer to when she used them to defeat Nightmare Moon?

After Fluttershy’s stint at the Everfree Forest, the story focuses on an unknown individual that was secretly watching Fluttershy’s every move from the depths of the forest. I deduce that this is an attempt at foreshadowing, though in the three chapters, the impact of this is not yet shown. Hopefully, the author can address and refer to this in future chapters of this story, but I am certainly curious of what this would bring to the table, in terms of the development of the plot.

Let’s consider Twilight’s reaction to the damage that Sweet Apple Acres has sustained after a vicious attack by mysterious creatures. The story describes the damage sustained with a decent level of elaboration, yet I could not glean upon any emotion or fear from Twilight, as if Twilight was relatively indifferent to the destruction wrought upon her friend’s farm, which is more than surprising to me. Certainly, Applejack was depicted to have a pretty blasé attitude about the situation, but still, Twilight should show at least any form of worry for her. I attribute this to the lack of emphasis on Twilight’s emotions, which the author could have brought out through many tools, such as body language, facial expressions and even her very thoughts. Also, the word choice for Twilight’s dialogue was not ideal to paint such a picture; the word “asked” has a neutral connotation that could not help describe her feelings of concern. It should either be replaced, or have another word tied to it to show the degree of concern.

In addition, Twilight seems to be relatively insensitive to the farm’s damage. Despite observing the ruined state of the farm, she continued to venture on her quest to settle the “Friendship Day” celebrations. I thought that she would at least help out in the clean-up effort, or ask whether Applejack needed additional time to prepare. Yet, she simply left Applejack and Pinkie Pie to their devices, to settle the farm’s damage and the celebrations.

Next, Pinkie Pie and Applejack heard Twilight and Fluttershy meeting up to chat at the entrance of the farm. A slight nitpick here, but Fluttershy’s voice is so soft, hence surely Pinkie Pie and Applejack could not hear the conversation as accurately as conveyed in the story.

After Twilight left, she met up with Rainbow Dash and Rarity to discuss the plans for the celebrations, until she was interrupted by a royal summon by Princess Celestia. Now, allow me to comment on the private meeting between Twilight and the princesses. It is interesting to see the self-awareness that Princess Luna had on the impacts of her work in the scientific scheme of things, as though she was repenting on her past mistakes to both Princess Celestia and Twilight during this meeting, but I felt that the reason for the urgency was not as strong as I would like it to be. It was convenient to the plot to allow Twilight to meet the princesses to talk about the subject of the origins of the Elements of Harmony, introduce the concept of the Elements of Nature, and also to allow Twilight to witness the invasion of the Storm King. I would recommend that the author should develop the aspect of Princess Luna more vigorously to persuade the reader of this, particularly the anguish felt by her to necessitate this meeting.

Finally, the fight I was promised concerning the Storm King! I will say that the descriptions of the fight are decent, but they could definitely be enhanced. Each snippet of action within the fight scene could be enhanced with greater levels of descriptions to show the feelings, thoughts and emotions which was slightly lacking in my opinion. With greater development, I am firm in my belief that the fight scenes can connect to the reader to an elevated level.

Twilight’s about to struggle to break free out of the net, but she realized she’s closer to the ground. I guess this is it. Twilight closed her eyes and screamed as she waited for her death to come.

Let’s consider the above. The development of Twilight’s impending death was rushed, and it caused the overall execution of this aspect to be diluted. The author should strongly consider splitting ideas through paragraphing to help create suspense through the demarcation of ideas and the usage of more aggressive vocabulary in terms of the word choice. There are many opportunities to build to a moment here, to show the peril Twilight was thrown in in the heat of the action, which the author could have executed in here.

Before I close off this section, allow me to weigh the two unique threats faced by the realm Twilight was in. Due to the greater quantity of elaboration and emphasis the author devoted into the fight scene with the Storm King, the answer in my mind on which would be the greater threat is obvious. I felt that the devastation wrought by the dinosaurs should have been amplified to have an even playing field with the invasion of the Storm King. This would help play on the quandary faced by Twilight and her friends.

Flow

Although the chain of events makes logical sense to me, I must admit that, due to the massive number of underdeveloped subjects happening at the same time, the communication that I had with the story is not ideal. Linking phrases could be employed more often to bridge and connect the points brought up in the story. The rhythm of my reading was also hampered by the language, syntax and punctuation, which I will discuss in the next section.

Language

Errors in this story are fairly uncommon, with syntax and punctuation scattered throughout the story, such as –

"Are you okay?" Twilight asked,

The hedgehog tapped the microphone to test it, and tapping sounds emanated from the speaker then he raised the microphone under the unicorn's mouth.

Realizing how much of a threat Tempest was, the crowd turned towards the opposite direction, and ran in fear and panic away from her, while knocking over Twilight and fell against the wet ground.

Next, I would like to talk about word choice. I strongly recommend that the author should choose the words that go into the story with greater thought to help bring out the nuance in the descriptions, rather than using more neutral words that do not bring much into the story’s portrayal. Check the connotation of the word, and consider its meaning towards the story. To elevate this, even concern yourself with the rhythm of the word in the sentence and how well it fits into the sentence. This would significantly bring up the standard of the content you would like to portray to the reader, and strengthen the connection between the characters, the reader and the plot; to inspire feelings within the reader; to allow the reader to vividly picture the scene surrounding them in your world of fantasy.

Stance

I believe that this story does have much potential to grow on readers, but it can surely be enhanced, in terms of its foundations and structure, especially in future chapters.

Content/Plot: 5/10
Flow/Communication: 5.3/10
Language/Readability: 5.3/10
Overall: 5.2/10

To improve, the author should develop the story in a more thorough manner, with the aid of better word choice in the descriptions of the story. Check my comments on each individual section to help. Feel free to clarify your doubts with me; I am more than happy to help you to improve your story.

7237569
Thank you for the review, and I except your constructive criticism. I'll render the story
on haitus to edit out the errors of the story.

7238036
If you require any clarification, feel free to ask :)

7238506
Would you review once the story solved all the problems you point out?

7238506
PM me.