A Long night of solace, the story starts with a diary, a recollection of past events to bring the reader back on par with the present letting it know what happened before it. The story starts with the planet unification, then two races the zebras and the caribous started rioting, following their defeat they later on steal three colonial ships and flee the planet, this requires further analysis but we will talk about it later. The story goes on to reveal that said species managed to survive and build their own fleet declaring war of conquest on the Equestrians, with their biological weapon they made the male population useless in battle and now are on their doorstep, for some reason they don’t know where the main planet is but that won’t last. 

Flurry Heart is our protagonist, now head of the unified military of equus she is the one that makes the decisions, now she find herself on a remote planet trying to evacuate civilians before anything can go terribly wrong. But she is too late, the enemy is here and now they can’t escape so she pray for a miracle inside of an ancient ship that they found and dug out.

The miracle happens, the ship comes online and deals with the enemy in a show of force, the ship is autonomous with an AI inside, Long Night of Solace is his name. We don’t know much about this character for now having him lost all memories except being part of the “Fog Fleet.”

With the plot out of the way let’s start with the story itself, first and foremost this: 

Unfortunately, two races rose against the UEG government, the zebras and the Caribou.

At the time of unification, those two had started a war of conquest, their barbarian traditions of submission and perversion had horrified the princess.

It was the only time a conflict escalated to a point of war.

Until that moment.

The majority of the coup plotters of those races represented 60% of their population, a total of 10.000.000, they had proved to be skilled builders, so the construction of the colonial fleet had been commissioned to them along with several teams of other species.

At the end of the first fleet, they got up in arms, massacring and kidnapping the engineers and scientists who were there.

The lack of a larger and trained security body proved to be a fatal mistake.

When the protection fleet reached the moon, they had already disappeared.

This section gave me nightmares, it is incredibly confusing and puts the whole planet in a very bad light, on one hand if they gave the task to a freshly defeated enemy and expect that nothing could go wrong then they are inept, incompetent even. On the other if they gave the task to the enemy still at war then they are suicidal. It is not clear enough if this happened after or during the war. 

Second would have been the FTL, they have the tech to punch a hole through a dimensional barrier allowing them to go to a higher dimension (supposedly the fourth). This is extremely big, it is a level of tech that only type 3 civilization can posses more on this later. 

Another problem comes soon after, the caribous comes back with extreme force behind it, now they call themselves Covenant and using the colonial ships they stole managed to achieve a much higher level of tech then the Equestrian. Ok, sure they could have made their whole economy circle around war tech so that can happen, what I’m wondering is how did they find a suitable planet. Planets that can sustain life are scarce and these people found one that is so distant that the Equestrian haven’t found it in those 200 years of colonialism. My question is how, how did they do it? The universe is huge and even with the slip engine technology there is no way they could have found a planet in that immense vastness without any help from the main planet. 

After this we are introduced to Reach the fortress planet, and the population number baffle me, 5 million only on the entire surface that’s basically nothing at a planetary level thus makes me wonder how much guarded it can be. But that’s a minor one.

Now for the big problem, the biggest in my opinion, Long Night of Solace can only exist in space. The ship is too big to sustain any kind of stress coming from a planet gravity let alone the immense pressure of stone and dirt covering it, so much dirt mind you that they took 40 years to properly dug it out. Those kind of ship are not made to exist in gravity, they are created and are useful only in open space, and that’s a fact. Considering also the absurd length of it any kind of seismological event would have snapped it and from the amount of dirt necessary to cover it that ship remained underground for millions of years.

But let’s say that this thing can, let’s say that it is made out of some unknown material we still don’t have and so can sustain its own weight, fine. How can it still operate? Any kind of fuel would have gone to waste even nuclear ones after all that time. But fine, that happened so ok, it goes out and starts to wreak havoc and they win, that’s what I call a Deus ex Machina by the way. 

Another big one I found was the biological weapon, a civilization so advanced hasn’t found any way to kill it or cure it? None at all? You can punch through dimension but I guess a bacteria can roam free doing whatever. Also gas masks are a thing so why is that so big of a problem in the first place? 

And it’s over, this were all the major errors I dared big enough to talk about extensively. There a couple of minor ones but not as big as these so let’s go to the scores.

Scores.

Core Idea: 4/10: the idea is goodish but it is not an extremely original one, also the fact that it is basically a crossover puts it down a bit more. 

Pacing: 4/10: The pacing is confusing, really difficult to follow through and the dialogues as well as the description are very amateurish with very little detail aside from numerical data.

Grammar:6/10: I suggest a proofreader there are errors here and there that ruins he immersion. The story really needs much more meat for the details.

Finally a word for the author, you have to re-read what you write a lot, there are too many confusing parts in the story so you have to go back and straight them out to make the reader much more engaged in it. What I also suggest to you is to never use images, you are a writer, your work is to take pictures in your head and put them in words detailed enough so that the reader can put them back into images and create their own world to imagine. Relying on images hinders you especially in the long run and makes other see you as lazy because you don’t want to describe. So get rid of them. 

Final score: 4.6/10 needs a lot of work, don’t let yourself drag down by this score but use it to rise again from the ashes like a phoenix bye!

7242496
Nice review Firefoxino.

7242496
when I saw my story was reviewed, almost give me an orgasm, it is very appreciated :'3

I was worried and confirmed my fears about whether I explained all about of the key events when I wrote this idea, I practically spat in a prologue what is had to be about 3 or 4 chapters with the same number of words.

All the inconsistencies have an answer, but I did not explain it in depth.

The caribou and the zebras went to war at separate times and in the past, I like to think that when equss was unified, at least 120 years had passed since the most serious conflict, so a good time had passed and all suspicion it was catalogated as isolated cases or as prejudices.

For that reason, and their numbers and skilled, they were entrusted with that work, in addition to being a public image movement as a sign of good faith.

The other problem is answered in the halo lore, the first slipspace engines only served for long-distance and low-precision trips, thats why the aid fleet took so long to arrive, having the technology does not mean that they know how to use it well, that is why the Covenant took the shit out of the UNSC in most battles.

The other problem I thought I explained well, the reason for the great technological gap and the capacity of the enemy is for the theft of almost all space knowledge, scientists, engineers, builders, etc.

I like to think that Twilight already had everything ready (surprise) and the plan was already in its final stages, with a list of planets in mind for possible colonizations, but all that information would have been lost in that hit.

That blow left a very deep mark on equss, both due to Twilight's incompetence to ignore the signals (that's why all power decentralized), and the low intention of improving the military and security corps in the name of harmony and friendship.

The other problem is about Reach, I also thought I explained it (it takes the devil and my lack of ability).

The planet had previously been evacuated from its entire non-essential population, leaving only military bodies, security, investigators, and so on, along with their families, but the evacuation had not been completed, so there were still normal citizens on the planet.

and the other big problem is about the ship, the long night is a super carrier class ship (one of the largest in the Covenant), the original is half as long, a part that I did not put, but I did write, and I think for that is the inconsistency, is that the AI ​​is a displaced person, a total of 3000 words more or less were from its history and because it is in that universe and place, leaving the merchant aside, it have a reason for why that ship is so absurdly powerful and big, and because it can exist in those conditions, it is due to the mix of Covenant engineering and the capabilities of the fog fleet, making it very resistant, being practically all made of nanomaterials, together with shields and power generators are from that facction, to more answer see the anime blue steel xD

the virus is magitec in nature, from a almost extinct species of equss, with knowledge stolen and forgotten, in terms of pure technology, the Covenant surpasses equss almost 200 or 100 years, and in terms of magic, they are unknown.

It is practically transmitted by magic, for the UNSC, each invaded planet is a lost planet, since it is not yet known as decontaminating magic.

And above all, duly noted. :'3

In itself, the whole story that it should have been a little more than twice as long, especially the part about the activation of the ship and the battle, that was about 4000 more words.

7242604
I'm very pleased to know all of these info, as I always say I'm not perfect that's why I love when authors talk back to me. Everything checks out so I wish you good luck on this and I hope I helped you in any way. But about their tech why didn't they make any back up? No internet at all? With one of these bad boys you could have stored all those data into a cloud and no amount of moon massacres will destroy it XD. The ship in gravity environment still bugs me though but fine sci-fi will be Sci-fi

7242619
For the same reason that Celestia left her sister in oblivion for 1000 years, and also because she left the catalog of prohibited information in the restricted area without maintenance, nobody is perfect, and for immortal beings everything can become tedious or minimized, also, even if the information exists, without something to interpret or apply it, it becomes useless.

And about the size, the didact's ship is much bigger and it was fine, almost new when it came out from requiem.

If you want to be more tedious, the technology to manipulate gravity on a small scale is normal for the covenant and the UNSC, with that the gravity of the center of mass can experience only an influence, so the integrity of the ship is not affected unless the structure is torn for x and reason by the inertia of the mass.

7242619
Although I never had any intention of continuing the story, I wrote this for a idea like "here I leave you just in case" and see if it is worth it or not to continue with it according to how many they like.