EErrors

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Comedy

Three unlikely heroines are accidentally sent halfway across the world. How will they get home?

• Trixie
• Diamond Tiara
• Derpy
• Starlight Glimmer
• Filthy Rich

The Cloptimist · 20k words  ·  35  1 · 827 views

Written by The Cloptimist

Summary: A magical accident leads to Starlight Glimmer mistakenly sending three unlikely heroines halfway across the world. Now, lost in a strange land, they fight to survive and seek a way home; meanwhile, a guilt-stricken Starlight tries to work out what went wrong, and Princess Twilight gets ready to mount a rescue.

Analysis: It's a pretty decent story that used a bingo writing contest. The writer had to use these cues, Derpy, Tartarus, Maretonia, Pony Politics, Diamond Tiara.

This is admittedly an impressive feat, considering the taxing challenge of taking several words and trying to take those cues to make a storyline. The writer uses a lot of emotion in this story, and it makes for an interesting read. There are admittedly a few errors that I have seen in other stories, but I'll get to those soon. This story was able to connect characters that we normally don't see together in an interesting way. From Diamond trying to help Derpy while butting heads with Trixie. You also get a lot of determination from Starlight to fix her mistake while Filthy shows his love and protective nature over Diamond.

Admittedly there are a few parts that I think are out of character, but in the end, it's a rather nice story that I'd recommend to anybody.

Grammar: 8/10 This story again messes with me, having the action in front of the name and not even capitalizing it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it just feels off to me.

"The idea is to show off how awesome Ponyville is, right?", said Rainbow Dash, suppressing a yawn.

(I feel like it should have been Rainbow Dash asked, suppressing a yawn.)

There are also a few words misspelled, but I want to explain why I don't doc any points for the Arabic language. (the guards pov will translate it for you) If you put the Arabic words in Goggle translate, some of the results may be weird, and I was admittedly thrown off by this. I had to take the English language and translate that to Arabic, you will find that the writer ended up getting the translation that was searched for. He tried his best. Just know that there are youtube videos that sing songs that had been tossed through Goggle Translate for a reason.

The plot of the story. 10/10 Okay, I have to give major credit to the idea of this story. Let alone the fact that this author had to deal with random prompts for the story, but the story is actually very intriguing! Having three ponies that you wouldn't normally see together is just the hook that leads into an incredible story! Being able to do so much in so little time is amazing, and I'm proud to see such ingenuity in a challenge like this.

Story flow: 9/10 The story is rather well-paced and adds in a few interesting twists in it. My only complaint with the pacing is why did it end so soon? The Last chapter feels abrupt and makes me long for one more chapter that takes place between chapters 6 and 7. I can say too much without spoiling the story, but the last chapter has to be the weak point of this story.

Final score: 27/30 9/10

This story has a lot of heart and a few mistakes. I think that there is some editing needed and maybe the long lost chapter of what happened before the three mares went home, but it's a rather solid shot at a story. I enjoyed this one and would like to so some more from this author.

Aw, thank you so much for the review! Nopony ever reviews my longer pieces, so it's great to be able to talk about this one.

Yeah, the ending was badly rushed - the contest had a hard 20,000 word limit and I was right up against it. I had, indeed, planned to have a whole extra chapter in there detailing the rescue a bit more, but just ran out of space. It feels wrong going back to "fix" it now.

And the machine-generated Arabic - I mean, I did apologise for it likely being horribly mangled gibberish in the author's note for that chapter. I was going to just have the Maretonians talking in generic Unintelligble Foreign Language as far as the Equestrians were concerned (with their POV then revealing what was being said), but then thought it might as well be something analogous from Earth, even if I knew Google was butchering both the translation and transliteration the words! If anyone out there does speak Arabic and wants to provide an actual translation/transliteration of what the Maretonian ponies are saying, I'd be glad to have it.

Thank you again for the kind review, I'm really glad you enjoyed the story! And if you do decide to read anything else I wrote, I hope you enjoy that too.

(I also like that this thread looks as if it's going to be talking about common errors reviewers make, or that they come across, or some other kind of review advice blog)

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Yes, I actually clicked on it because I thought it was going to talk about those stuff, but I guess a review of a story wouldn’t hurt.