The Edge by BeautifulHorse is a short read that certainly qualifies as a one-shot in my books. And it appears to be a pretty dark story, with all those tags of tragedy and self-harm. Alright, without further ado, let’s begin!

Warning! Self-harm and suicide story embedded within!

Summary

The pain, the suffering, the grief of her mother’s passing prompted Rainbow Dash to end it with a fall. Yet, when she neared the edge, her conscience stopped her dead in her tracks, forcing her to reflect on the value of life. Would she be enveloped by the darkness to take the leap of faith, or grudgingly turn back on the radiance of life?

Content/Plot Analysis

This short story inspires many feelings into me that I find relatable in a soul who was pained and tortured by grief to contemplate whether she should end it all in a simple jump. The rain in the story also helped to elevate the darkness in the scene, with thunder and lightning sharpening the emotions in the story. I believe that this story seeks to bring about the emotion that such a soul would have in the reader and the conflicting thoughts Rainbow Dash certainly had. Well, I can definitely feel the emotions emanating from the text, though I would like to recommend a few pointers to enhance the scene and deepen the impact the story would have on the reader, for example –

She screamed in fear, grabbing for the ledge and only just grabbing a root to break her fall.

The author had an opportunity here to show how close Rainbow Dash was to her death. I felt that the author could have developed this scene with greater detail to inflict a sense of loss in Rainbow Dash’s heart and to inspire suspense in the story. One example could be to show how she lost all contact with the surface, resulting in her sudden realization of how fragile her life truly was. Then, the author could build up that scene with how close Rainbow Dash was to grabbing that root to break her fall in a sudden rush of adrenaline, with the blood in her veins rushing down in the heat of the moment when she instantaneously stopped her fall. These would help to enhance and intensify the connection between Rainbow Dash and the reader.

Flow

While the content of the story is excellent, I felt that the pacing of the story hindered the flow of the content, making the content less effective into driving the emotions it seeks to develop into the reader, notably –

The moon dared to peek from behind the clouds for a second, seemingly blinding Dash as she trudged along so frighteningly close to the edge. She tripped.

The jump between how Rainbow Dash moved slowly to the edge (bolded) and her fall into the abyss was abrupt. The author could include some degree of foreshadowing, perhaps in terms of how her front legs suddenly tipped over the edge in that critical moment, or that she felt nothing more than the gust of cold wind blowing between her legs.

Moreover, I would recommend having a new paragraph for the sentence “She tripped.” This simple act of paragraphing would help significantly to keep the reader engrossed into the story’s contents and to keep them on tenterhooks as they continue reading the story. Greater paragraphing in the story would help build the story up in a more robust manner to separate ideas and allow the reader to absorb each scene of the story more effectively.

Scrambling to recover her balance, Dash caught herself just in time.

Furthermore, while I understand that the scene the author seeks to drive is hurried, I believe that the author should pause for a moment, in terms of the pacing of the story, to show the fear and apprehension in Rainbow Dash’s eyes as she realized the peril that she was in. The moments of reflection and flashbacks of her mother’s passing may even be integrated into this aspect of the story, amplifying the scene more resolutely.

Next, after Rainbow Dash’s reflections, she decided to veer away from her mission to end her life. This portion of the story could have been foreshadowed better to help build the flow of the story, but first allow me to quote the relevant section –

Dash could no longer feel the rain on her back as she ran through the woods. A burning desire to live her life properly was warming her from the inside.

In my opinion, this portion of the story is slightly rushed. Prior to the quoted excerpt above, the story was focusing on the thoughts that ran through Rainbow Dash’s mind to persuade herself not to do the unthinkable. Immediately after that, the story suddenly turns to Rainbow Dash running away from the ravine. I recommend the author to show how Rainbow Dash eventually transitioned from actually thinking of jumping over the edge and standing up for her valuable life. This could be done with greater development, to show the change in her mindset that can be reflected into her actions to turn back. Subtle body language and facial expressions could help here, even though there would be no other character to witness them because there is still a reader that is witnessing it all!

Language

Language errors were scarce throughout this short story, which is great for readability. However, I would like to make a few recommendations, which I would now point out-

The jacket made wet squidgy noises as she walked, occasionally releasing gush of water like a squeezed dishrag.

The jacket made wet squidgy noises as she walked, occasionally releasing gushes/a gush of water like a squeezed dishrag.

Why hadn't she just worn a jacket then, if only to prevent her pegasus nature from saving her?

Why hadn't she just worn a jacket then, if only to prevent her pegasus nature from saving herself?

As her resolve shattered into a thousand pieces, the moon flicked out again, and this time Dash gasped and took a step back.

As her resolve shattered into a thousand pieces, the moon flickered out again, and this time Dash gasped and took a step back.

Stance

An emotionally-inspiring tale that I enjoyed, though I wished the feelings experienced by Rainbow Dash could be enhanced further to build up the story more acutely.

Content/Plot: 7.5/10
Flow/Communication: 6.5/10
Language/Readability: 7/10
Overall: 7/10

To improve, the author should develop the story with the flow of the ideas in mind; do check my individual comments for clarification. And as usual, I am always here to discuss your story and help you improve.

Thank you! I will definitely be improving the story based on this feedback :)