EThe Dreamwalker's Lament

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama

In the garden of dreams, Luna confesses her greatest fear to Twilight Sparkle.

• Twilight
• Luna

Sledge115 · 5.7k words  ·  168  11 · 2.8k views

Description

For Twilight Sparkle, getting crowned as the reigning Princess of Equestria may have been the easy part. Handling both day and night may not be as much, but fortunately, Luna's there to help. Equestria was her garden once, and now Twilight was its gardener.

But when the amulet gifted to her to move the Sun and Moon begins to break down, and her tongue tied about it, where better for Twilight to talk to her marefriend about it, if not the realm of dreams?

After all, in Luna's own realm and garden, and to the mare she loved, surely, there are few secrets and worries to be kept between them.

Initial Thoughts

Romance is a nuanced genre, and it is very easy to miss it as it is hard to place it. That goes for both conventional storytelling and fanfiction, and just storytelling in general. Given the nature of a fan piece, it is easy to get away with most ships, and the ethos that is sometimes required of non-fan pieces goes away when a ship is popular enough to stand on its own.

As literary critics understand it, romance is effectively built on the tension of will they won’t they more than the actual romantic aspect of it. The driving force behind fictional love is not necessarily that the love exists, but that the love is in peril for existing. I am dubious f this particular interpretation, as it feels too snobby for me, but there is a level of truth in understanding that the function of romance is to dramatize, not domesticize—at least, in writing it.

I say this as I look over the tags of the story, noting, of course, that it is both Romance and Drama. Based on the description, I can guess that this is a story about Twilight coming to terms with, perhaps, her new role as sole ruler of Equestria and her own relationship, however burgeoning, with the former Princess Luna. Where the tension that creates the “oomph” behind either genre, however, is left largely unclear, though that part about the breaking of the crown seems to be the direct source. How, then, will the story deliver?

Spoilers below. 

Summary

In the Dreamscape, Twilight confronts Luna regarding two observations she's made. One, is that for some reason her crown feels "broken," or at least sluggish; and the other, is that the moon has become ever so slightly difficult to raise each night. As it turns out, Luna is partially to blame; at least, she certainly believes so. It is her understanding that her unwillingness to completely let go of her roles as both Princess of the Night and Guardian of the Dreams is negating Twilight’s ability to perform, and her grief over that inability is coupled by her fear of hindering Twilight altogether. Ultimately, it takes Twilight reaffirming her commitment not just to their relationship, but to Luna herself, to remind the former princess that life is not a solitary endeavor, but one of shared experiences, that one never should feel ashamed of walking in the company of the beloved.

Plot

What bears immediate mention is the fact that this isn’t necessarily a “chasing” romance. The relationship between Luna and Twilight is not the focus of the story, but is rather a feature of the main plot, which, as determined in the above summary, is far less about romance itself (to me, anyway) and more about overcoming personal hesitations and uncertainties. 

That said, what the story does do, in terms of plot unfolding, is quite interesting. The premise, for instance, is apparently that Twilight notices something is wrong with her crown. This made me think at first that something sinister was at play, but clearly that isn’t what the author actually intended. The subversion of that expectation was a welcome one. The truth of the matter—that Luna fears it is herself who is inciting this particular conflict—was also interesting. 

That said, I believe that word can be used to describe the story as a whole. It’s interesting, and has interesting ideas, but the execution of those ideas seems underdeveloped.

Take, for instance, that revelation—that Luna is the one responsible, however true that may be, for the issues Twilight has been feeling with her crown. This seems to be the climax that the story is building towards, yet when it comes up, it regrettably falls short. In part, this is because it comes up suddenly, and its effect is diminished by where the author instead places a lot more emphasis: that of the setting.

Take heart; the setting and the description of that setting is really good. However, in terms of building tension or leading the reader to understanding that there is a conflict, I never got the sense that that was fully achieved. By the time Twilight actually brings up the issue with Luna, and before Luna reveals her own side of things, I was already sucked into the world of the story, but not the problem itself. While I did not necessarily forget that the conflict existed, neither Luna or Twilight seemed willing to acknowledge that there was a conflict—at least, not until the story made it convenient.

This is all to say that so much buildup was placed at the beginning, but that building leveraged a different direction. We get the sense of genuine enjoyment from Luna and Twilight, but the conflict takes a weirdly drastic backseat. Any hesitancy on Twilight’s part which might have been expected either falls short or is otherwise lacking in impact, and as such when the conflict itself actually springs up, there’s a sense that it was shoe-horned in. Development of that conflict, as a result, falters. 

I note a possible theory, that it’s because there’s a difference in a physical plot and the metaphysical one. What we have here, it would seem, is a premise based on the physical—that of a tangible (in a loose sense) problem with Twilight’s crown, lifting of the moon, etc.—in conflict with the metaphysical—Luna’s feelings about stepping down, her fears about their relationship, and so forth. What follows is that neither conflict accentuates the other; both, in fact, detract importance from the other, and the reader is left uncertain about what the actual issue is. 

To put it another way, I was promised both a mystery and a character study, but the dead body was shoved under a couch, and the characters seem happy enough to move on from that premise. Further development of either conflict would have made this a lot more enthralling. 

Score - 6 / 10

Characterization

This… was a toughie to score.

I believe the author got all the characters correctly, and they definitely performed the roles they were given exceptionally well, even given my issues with the plot. Perhaps the best part of the story is the unspoken part: the fact that Twilight and Luna are in a relationship is thankfully never questioned for believability, and, in fact, comes off as perfectly natural.

I also enjoyed the fact that the this was a “slower” kind of romance, where everything’s already established, and so the characters don’t need to become hyperbolic projections of their passion, which is something a lot of romances attempt to do, to varying degrees of success. As I mentioned in the plot section, this is not a “chasing” romance so much as it’s a “field of flowers” kind of thing; there’s joy in the smallness of the moment, a joy that the characters evidently feel with great flourish, and their actions as a result of that joy feel more-or-less natural.

However, in coupling that with issues of plot, Luna and Twilight also end up feeling ever so slightly underdeveloped. I’m not sure if either change. I’m not saying they should have changed drastically, but there wasn’t quite the sense that they had come away with realizing something new about the main feature that exists between them: their relationship itself. 

This particular feature of the review is even harder to score, due to the fact that, in this story’s case, plot and characterization seem to go hand and hand, and it’s hard to separate the issues of one from the issues of another. I would caution against attempting to separate character and plot, of course, since characterization is itself a result of plot development; but, again, as one falters, so too does the other.

Score - 7 / 10

Syntax

I’m not sure if it was intentional, or if the author has read it, but in terms of syntactical style, this story reminded me a bit of Gabriel García Márquez’s style of writing. Long sentences and beautiful descriptions abound, and the author never shies away from demonstrating the fluidity of language and the natural wonder it can create. The imagery isn’t flat; it’s sharp and crisp, and the Dreamscape comes alive with a richness and vastness I’ve yet seen in other fanfics. 

In particular, there’s a series of paragraphs near the end of the story that really encompassed just how much work was put into the strict composition of the story:

And then Luna stood up, glancing down at Twilight, only for a moment, before she looked back up and closed her eyes. Twilight’s eyes followed her gaze upwards, and her eyes settled upon the Moon. From Luna’s horn, a trail of magic did flow, weaving in and around the Realm. It met with a trail of stardust, falling down from the Moon.

Then, it grew. It surrounded them, in many warm shades of green, yellow, violet and blue. It flowed, spreading out throughout the cove, a dance of the Northern Lights. Flowers grew where the stardust fell upon the enchanted soil. Lavender, morning glory and moon orchids, roses, sprouting beneath enchanted, magical mushrooms. Beneath the waters of the cove, life too flourished, where the reef glowed brightly in shades of red and pink and lavender, and purple, always purple, in its bioluminescence, together with the lights above.

It turned, before Twilight’s eyes, even as the dance continued. Flowers grew wild and untrimmed, wilting and decaying. Their shedded petals flew in the wind, leaving behind vines and thorns that rivalled the Everfree. The water dimmed, with the reef’s own decay, the sickening, dull grey spreading throughout the cove. Gone was the tranquil beauty before Twilight’s wide eyes, for all around them, from flowers to bushes to mushrooms, all were to fade...

And when Twilight could not weather the decay any further, her eyes fixed upon the dying life and uncontrolled growth, she too stood up with a grimace and glare, her horn aglow. She flared her wings, and cast her own woven thread. Luna’s magic faltered in the face of her own, stardust mingling with vines and leaves. It danced around them, pushing and pulling, and blessed them, pulling them from the brink, and turning those who’d been lost into golden stardust that joined the wind.

When she was done, with the dead embraced and moved to the ether, the beauty of this sanctuary had been restored, and above the two alicorns, the aurora danced in many shades of blue and purple.

Combining short, effective, straightforward prose with lengthy, poetic, flowering sentence structure, changing up the order of subject and predicate, positioning adjectives in categorical lists, linking image with an appropriate verbs to accentuate the image—these are the efforts of one who paints with words rather that simply writes. Everything is woven wonderfully together; few sentences feel unnecessary or overly long.

One issue I did find was the over-abundance of “did” clauses—that is, clauses that use the helping verb “did” to convey the positive affirmation of an idea. (For a brief example, not necessarily taken from the story: “Only when the last of the sun finally gave way past the glimmering, green horizon in the hills, did at last Ulysses turn away.”) One has to be careful with the use of that particular clause, for it can quickly become cumbersome to the ear. It conveys a kind of archaic sense, but if done excessively, the sound of the writing sounds laughably Shakespearean in all the wrong senses of that word. 

Score - 9 / 10

Final Score - (6 + 7 + 9) / 3 = 7.3 / 10

Final Thoughts

What is the theme of this story? I think it’s about learning the meaning of “letting go.” Not the “letting go” of the past, or even of “fears” in the traditional sense, but the “letting go” of the old love and making way for the new.

As the author puts in their author’s note, time is of little meaning to the immortal lover, but that just means you need to take a break in the passions of love—both the wonderful kind and the terribly depressing kind—to recommit yourself to what it means to feel whole. A fire only stays burning for so long before it needs to be tended to. 

As I see it, the lament that Luna speaks of is the lament of change. It is the fact that she must now leave one facet of her life in exchange for another, one that is filled with more uncertainty not just for herself but for she who would now take her place and responsibility—Twilight. And similarly, Twilight must be lamenting over the change, knowing that, even though her ascension was prophesied in some ways, it was also the representation of a takeover, a special kind of coup d’etat wherein the rulers prior acquiesce the throne to the ruler new. 

In that sense, the story bares its heart on its sleeve. It tries desperately to unlock the fundamental machinations of a relationship so weirdly defined by time, lack thereof, and the changing of the world as we know it. Yet the story, so wrapped up in wonderful sentences and imagery, suffers from that change in focus. The beauty lies on the surface but it does not reach the story itself. 

Those who enjoy romance will still get a kick out of this exploration of Twilight and Luna as a couple, and those who enjoy beautiful imagery will certainly enjoy it. Still, the author must keep these problems in mind. 

7268551

Hello, thanks for the review

Even as I wrote it, The Dreamwalker's Lament felt somewhat rushed in its writing, suffice to say. I wrote it during a period where a few exams were crammed together, and I wished to complete it long before the contest's deadline. Not that I'm asking you to excuse the flaws, no, just some context for why it is the way it is, heh

Plotwise, I did think it suffer from the shorter length than I was aiming for. Initially, I had planned it to be two chapters, not one - hence, the sudden plot switch.

Take heart; the setting and the description of that setting is really good. However, in terms of building tension or leading the reader to understanding that there is a conflict, I never got the sense that that was fully achieved. By the time Twilight actually brings up the issue with Luna, and before Luna reveals her own side of things, I was already sucked into the world of the story, but not the problem itself. While I did not necessarily forget that the conflict existed, neither Luna or Twilight seemed willing to acknowledge that there was a conflict—at least, not until the story made it convenient.

Hmm, I wished to convey that this is a Twilight that has significantly developed past her neurotic self in previous seasons. She knows something is wrong, but decides to take it slowly and steadily - the Moon, so far, is only a little harder to move, not outright immobile. So, she decided to address the issue swiftly, yet also decided to ease the subject in.

This seems to be the climax that the story is building towards, yet when it comes up, it regrettably falls short. In part, this is because it comes up suddenly, and its effect is diminished by where the author instead places a lot more emphasis: that of the setting.

Duly noted. It seems to be the heart of the matter, from which all the other issues stemmed from.

I tend to have long, winding talks between two characters, so long that I fear that I might have talking head syndrome in writing. The Dreamwalker's Lament is an experiment in both character dialogue, setting writing, and keeping things short and simple, and yet, at the end, it definitely could have benefited from a longer, more complete storyline.

In the end, The Dreamwalker's Lament was a fun little experiment in writing, an attempt to capture one moment in a relationship - not a defining, sweeping way, but a quiet little moment of my two favourite characters . Thank you very much for your time, Jarvy. I shall gladly take note of your comments and criticism - especially on the plot and setting - very insightful to how it turns out, heh.

Cheers!

7268676
This, and another story I reviewed, seem to have the same issue: a misplaced notion of narrative emphasis. By misplaced, I mean that the story focused on highlighting one aspect - in this case, the setting and description - while neglecting the development of the rest.

As in the other story, that's a matter of constraining yourself to a limited narrative space. You mentioned that it would have been two chapters had it not been crammed. I agree that I definitely could be longer. In fact, I think a longer narrative length would allow for a further exploration of the plot and characters, allowing for both the highly descriptive setting and a highly nuanced examination of manner and wit.

There's this saying I'm fond of that I picked up in college: let the narrative determine its length. This is a good story premise, but the shortened length works quite against it, as my review notes. Cramming everything into one chapter is bad by design no matter the personal limits or fears.

In effect, one must learn what Luna learns - to let go of the fear of change. Length is not a matter for consideration until well after everything else has been made; you'll find, I think, it easier to shrink the story once the story has actually reached its end.