TControl the Power

• Equestria Girls
• Adventure
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Getting used to new comers is always a little hard at first, especially if they have magic!

• Spike
• OC
• Other
• Sunset Shimmer
• Main 7 (EqG)

armid · 9k words  ·  21  10 · 816 views

armid

Summary: Sunset met two new students last week. Flaming Star and Steely Armor. And she understood they have magic. but it seemed they didn't want it. so sunset and her friend decided to help them so they started a new adventure together and now sunset want to write the story for princes Twilight.

Analysis: This is a case of an amazing idea and concept struggling with the technical aspect. First, let me talk about the story itself. I love the concept of trying to understand and control a dangerous ability. It can show a lot of character, especially with the ideas of fear and relation to others who have felt that fear. I love the part that Twilight plays, and I am intrigued by these two OCs. There is a lot of promise in a story like this. Extra points for writing some song lyrics at the end.

However, there is one point that makes the story suffer the most, and that is spelling. I found quite a few flaws, and I need to say that this writer needs a good editor. You always have to be careful about the ones you pick, because some of them aren't experienced enough. If the author can simply go over the story again, the quality of the story can improve tenfold.

In the end, it's concept vs technical failure, and the reason why this story struggles is because of these failures. I think that this author's best option is to go over it again and work on these writing errors. If the spelling is fixed, the story can shine more for what it is.

Grammar: 3/10 I can spend so long talking about the numerous errors on this, so first, I will deliver a concise list of the main errors.
Failure to capitalize names.
Improper spacing of paragraphs. The times you more to another paragraph are when there is a change of topic, scenery, or when another character is talking.
Failure to add proper spaces with periods and commas.

I can go on and on, but it's hard for me to go over all of the errors. So I did something unique that may give the author a more visual guide to the mistakes that were made, and can help with editing in the future. I edited the entire first chapter to fix all of the errors that I can find, along with adding a little more characterization and emotions that I will cover in the Story flow section. Keep in mind that this story isn't mine, and this was used to help give an idea of how well this story can work with better editing.

How to fix a lot of the errors.

The entire story can be hard to read with all of these errors in it and is honestly why the story struggles. In spite of the concept, the spelling errors hold the story back and is why it turns some readers away.

The plot of the story: 9:10 Like I said, I love the concept! The ideas behind this story are brilliant and can do so much more if the spelling can be fixed. My main criticism is why is this listed as a comedy? Just because you add a couple of jokes, it doesn't make it a comedy. Comey has a constant light-hearted tone, and this story doesn't have that. Drama works well for a story like this, but I don't see the strong comedy element, and the action in the second chapter just gives it the adventure element.

Story flow: 6:10 A good part of this is the spelling, but there is a lot of emotional descriptions missing in this story. One thing I like doing is adding little descriptions of how a character acts or feels in a situation, and I do add some of this in the doc. Here is a few random examples of how that little emotional description.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FHLKV7Iraj6-ikXcEFy1dr_CXEyKExi0MGHdEFNkoOE/edit?usp=sharing

"Can you get rid of this?” Steely asked hopefully.

There is also en environment around that needs to be interacted with. The writer did a good job describing the fire, but when somebody says that a place looks nice without addressing it, you run into issues. The little details can add a to of flavor to a story.

Final score 18/30 6/10

This is my message to the author. This story generally struggles through writing errors. If those can be fixed, then there is a great story hidden underneath it. Don't let failure get to you when your flaws are pointed out. Learn from then, improve, and become better. There are brilliant ideas and concepts behind this story. You just need to be able to polish them up in order to get them to shine. Keep writing. I can't wait to see more from you.

7280233
Thanks, I will fix those issues as soon as possible.

I'm really happy that you liked the plot, the real concept was adding some boys that can wield magic into the EG universe.

Also, just to let you know this story is actually the start of a series. Now with that said I want to ask you a question.

Would you like to read those too?

Since if you don't I won't push you to do so, but I believe you are the reviewer that fits the genre of my stories. So I leave that up to you.

7280474
I would be very interested, but make sure to follow the guidelines of how often you can submit stories for review.

7280567
OK, but do be warned that the sequels are trying to show and build the charecters for a while till they get back to more intense and thought provoking stuff.

7280567
Can you provide me with the link or tell me where can I read about the guidelines?

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213901/my-little-reviews-feedback/thread/441458/forum-rules-and-requesting-reviews