EThe Life and Times of a Bit Monger

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Slice of Life
• Anthology

Cadance enjoys the benefits of having money.

• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Cadance
• Shining Armor
• Main 6
• Crystal Ponies

KarmaSentinal · 24k words  ·  22  1 · 879 views

Introduction: Hello everyone, Nailah here with another review, but I found that I just couldn’t do this alone, so I brought a friend. I hope the boss doesn’t mind. Would you like to introduce yourself hun? I mean I’m sure they know you, but still!

Hey, good day to you all! I’m Stinium_Ruide here, and I guess I’ll be joining Nailah for a co-op review! And that means that this review will cover the story in significant detail. So before we continue, please beware of the many spoilers ahead!

Chapter 1: The opening gets right into the plot/setting of the story, but the pacing feels a bit too quick for everything that is going on. Cadence is apparently a high up pony, and has many resources. Quite an emphasis on bits in this chapter, mafia-like talk of how to deal with ponies that go against them. And the dynamic between Shining and Cadence is very believable to their characters. The first chapter peaks my interest in what might happen, but I also worry the author is going through the plot of the story too quickly for me to truly get into it, I will have to read more to find out. 

I have to agree with you on that point. The overall pacing of the story was, by and large, too hurried for a concrete, robust development of the world the characters are in. The fact that this universe explores the concept which during the characters are very different from their normal personalities in the canon show means that a good amount of development must be done to show and explain to the reader how this universe transpired or to show how the characters are different. However, this is, after all, my first impressions, so, yes, let’s carry on.

Chapter 2: Now we went from the perspective of Cadence to her secretary of Interest Rate. Changing perspectives of characters between chapters can work, but the sudden shift of tone doesn't hook me as a reader.

Hmm, let me think. Well, I guess it is true that the alternating point of view or perspectives, if not managed well, can be a challenge for the reader to deduce the focus of the story, especially if the scenes alternate as well. However, I do want to say that the switching of perspectives, if done well, can be an excellent tool to help bridge the gaps of a few things. By and large, this development would greatly assist the author showcase both perspectives or more on a specific circumstance which would help the reader immerse themselves into the environment of the story more fluidly. Unfortunately, the focus of the story is unclear and there is a lack of connection between the switching of the characters between the scenes, particularly between unique chapters. Perhaps the author could consider shaping up each scene in a more precise and concrete manner and then transition between the scenes more fruitfully with the aid of linking phrases or the introduction of the time into the opening statement.

I find the talk of business and bits is still very much the focus of this chapter, and does continue where the first chapter started. Interest Rate herself seems to be a fairly stable pony, she has dreams and aspirations and doesn’t want to be stuck in the position she’s in, she wants to be Cadance. However I am stuck wondering who am I supposed to be rooting for here? Does the author want me to root for the business empire Cadance is running or to root for the little ponies that keep it all running? The aspect of bits here is all over the chapter, bonuses, income, and how important it is to the business. It’s honestly rather bland. I can clearly see what the author wanted to do, but the execution leaves much to be desired. It almost reminds me of my economics class in highschool. Except that was more interesting, where this is really not. Now I do like the introduction of Interest Rate and getting to know the other characters within this tale, but who are we rooting for? Will that be revealed later on? Or will the author just continue to do this back and forth between characters. Almost like they don’t know who to focus on.

Again, I find myself unable to disagree with your assessment. The lack of focus overall in the story causes the development of the overall message to be murky. And as I have discussed earlier, the author should tie in the scenes more fruitfully to link towards a specific character of the story into focus, presumably Cadance.

Chapter 3: Once again, we shift to a different character’s perspective, and I don’t understand why. The author seems to not know what they want to do. Or in more literary terms, I’m borrowing a wiki here.

Alternate Point of View (POV) is a complicated narration form, but, if done the right way, it can make for a captivating read.

This technique combines the depth of a single character’s perspective with the versatility of switching between characters. You can alternate between two characters, or several – but the more you use, the more work you will need to do.

This narration form is paired with either first person POV or limited third person POV. Most commonly, first person alternate POV switches between two characters, but there is nothing stopping you adding more if you can handle it.

Okay, after you’ve read that, I just have to say the way the author changes between characters doesn’t make any sense. It lacks focus, and I’m to the point where the interest I had in the beginning is fleeting, and I’m beginning to wonder what the author was trying to accomplish here. Clearly they want to tell a story about Cadence being a Queen/Emperor pony, and being in control, but then that focus shifts to so much that is going on around her that the whole thing feels disjointed and very vague. 

We must note that there must be a purpose to why the story alternates between character perspectives so often. Typically, the author switches to showcase unique perspectives to convey a message to the reader that connects with the rest of the story. Regrettably, I could not glean the direction the story is heading towards as the implied inferences I could draw were not connected.

Chapter 4: We shift back to Cadence and Shining Armor attending dinner with Shining’s parents. This gives me a good chance to breathe, and think of what the story is trying to accomplish, while seemingly not knowing what it wants to do, or how to focus on anything for too long. We find out some things in this chapter. That Cadence is very business oriented which stays in theme with the beginning chapter, so there is consistency there, and yet the fact Twilight is married to a Zebra, totally broke my immersion and I just had to stare at the page and go wtf? 

Whoa, whoa, whoa...calm down Nailah. We have to remember that this is an alternate universe, and if the author wishes to build up this story arc, and if he/she does so convincingly, it’s absolutely fair game.

The chapter continues with family dynamics, politics mostly around bits and what they mean to Cadence, and by the end of it, we are left with a reveal that I saw but was unsure how to process at the time, that Cadence and Chrysalis are the same pony. I am baffled, I don’t know how to process this, or how it ties in with the plot, and I’m sure that will lead to much confusion on the part of the reader. I do hope this gets explained in the story, for not many actually read the author’s notes.

I think the author could go into nuancing that by dropping a few subtle hints of development that something amiss was occurring, or to show that Cadance’s personality shifted dramatically at a specific point of time pertaining to the takeover. This would help foreshadow this development of the story much better.

Chapter 5: I just have no words. This story continues to be a jumbled mess, and very unfocused. We keep changing characters without rhythm or reason, it seems the author is just frankly putting words to the page. I wish I had more to comment on, but at this rate the story itself is a total train wreck.

Geez, Nailah. And I thought you were supposed to be the kinder reviewer here!

It started off with an interesting idea, but then fell into a lot of pit falls where it could have done so much more than what it’s doing, and the author constantly poking in through narration to tell us things like how Maverick Twilight’s husband is smart, and should be with Twilight just leaves me with a sour taste.

Again, I can see that the story wants to build up the world around the characters gradually, but there must be a foundation on which the world is built upon. Inserting particular points about the characters loosely at different, non-specific parts of the story is certainly not ideal. The author should consider outlining this universe out and then portray it from the perspectives of a few. And I opine that the story could be more descriptive and subtle to convey the universe around the characters, perhaps with minor observations available for the reader to latch on and infer from to deduce the world around them.

Chapter 6: I’ll admit this is where I stopped reading so I have no comments on the last three chapters. And now I’m going to address some things. 

When you are writing/crafting a story, you start with an idea. Let’s say our idea is that Rainbow Dash decides to do some crazy performance for her friends to show off. Okay? So you have your basic plot. Now, you know you want other characters in it, but you don’t want them stealing Rainbow’s light, so you use those characters as more of a background to Rainbow who is our focus. Breaking immersion constantly between characters is not a good thing to do, and it leaves the whole thing feeling disjointed, and unfocused. The way to fix this? Honestly. I’d say go back to the beginning. What do you want to do with Cadence? Who is the main character? Who are we rooting for? And why should we care? Those are all things you should ask yourself when writing, and addressing them will ultimately help this story, but there are some things which I’m not comfortable talking about so I brought a friend.

It is important to ask questions to help the author shape up the plot, but more importantly, the author should ask himself/herself the right questions. We should look at the various aspects of the universe, such as the time during which the story happened, the place, the character introduction, the perspectives and so on. With all these pointers anchored down, it is time to work on laying the groundwork and build the story with concrete character development through the justification of their emotions and apt worldbuilding.

Okay, that’s my thoughts. Nailah, do you have anything else that you would like to add?

Alright while, this review looks totally different from my usual reviews, I felt a more in depth analysis was needed, and I also needed to call a friend, because I was struggling with some things. But I’m going to get into scores now and overall thoughts. So here we go!

Initial thoughts: This story looked interesting from the summary and the cover art was amusing so I decided to give it a chance. I am not sure what I was expecting, but this story is all over the place, and we’re going to dwelp into it. Spoilers! 4/10

Heart of the Story: The heart I feel is Cadence and this empire that surrounds her, while the idea of this is interesting and the beginning does a decent job to grip my attention, the rest of the story doesn’t seem to know what it wants to do, or who to focus on, and it makes the whole thing feel...sloppy. I will say the author here has a good idea, and if they can focus on Cadence and her empire rather than trying to do too much at once it can have potential. As is...well it really was a chore to get through. 4/10

Characterization: Alright, the characterization here well it’s...all over the place. I feel like we got good characterization of Cadence and Shining Armor, but everyone else feels like they were given the “bare bones” meaning you know it’s the character, but the character is not really developed, or established into the plot of the story.. 4/10

Story/Concept: 
The plot itself started out with a good idea, but poor execution and a lack of focus made the whole thing feel like it didn’t know what it wanted to be, and left me with far more questions than answers., and that didn’t help the story overall, for if you plot if lackluster, the story itself can be dull. 5/10

Originality/Execution: We briefly discussed the execution already previously, so going to focus on originality here. I like this idea. It’s interesting, and well I’ve never seen it before. Cadence is an underused pony, and I feel like this could be a great character piece for her, if the story/piece was focused on her and her empire, rather than what it is, which is a jumbled mess of switching POV’s with no rhyme or reason, and makes the whole thing unfocused. 5/10

Overall thoughts and final score: This story I picked it up because it looked interesting, I don’t see many Cadence stories that are actually good, and with this being a comedy, I was interested to see where it would go. The first chapter was a good start, but the rest of it feels flat. 

4+4+4+5+5=22/50
4.4/10

Alright, it is my turn to talk about my final views on this piece. Well, this story does have potential, but I believe that the story could have been executed in a much more effective manner. The overarching idea behind the story is interesting, and I have much confidence in it. Once polished, I’m certain it will be a creative and fascinating read. 

Overall: 3/10

To the author: You have a good idea for a story here, that could very interesting, but I felt like you were scrambling around with who to focus on that the overall piece sorta suffers because of it. I'm not saying don't focus on multiple characters, but think of what you want to do, plot out who is most important to the Empire and give us more details of the empire itself while we learn more about the characters that help make it what it is.

Headpat worthy:
Boop worthy:
Meh worthy: Yes.

Next up is "The fire's last ember by Cosmic Eclipse" see you soon!

Thanks for the review you two, and if it helps explain some things these chapters were written years apart. Original Idea was to show Cadence in a more capitalistic world, with each chapter showing how the main six have 'flourished' in this sort of world. This is the reason for many pov changes, but to counter this I tried hinting who was going to be in the next character towards the end, but this likely didn't go so well.

My biggest reason for resuming this story is because I'm trying to finish every story I started, and already had some of these chapter pre-written. So, I figured what the hell can continued where I left off. Hot mess and all.

Since there is like one guy following the story, I'll leave the spoilers hidden. Twilight met a zebra she liked, and her mother didn't really approve of it and this sort of caused a divide within the family. Cadence just marrying into the family took Velvet's side none have spoken to each other since, and to forget about this starting throwing all of their time into their respective careers. Which is where the story starts some years later.

Still, thank you people for taking the time to review this first attempt at story, and perhaps one of my newer ones might settle that upset stomach of yours? Later people, and have a great day!