EA False Hope

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Sci-Fi
• Slice of Life

Fluttershy awakes to find she has been revived by Twilight using science and magic. However, how much of a blessing is it really?

• Fluttershy
• Twilight

Emotion Nexus · 1k words  ·  62  6 · 1.1k views

Summary

Twilight Sparkle uses a combination of magic and technology to revive the deceased Fluttershy. Fluttershy tries to explain to Twilight why this was a bad idea.

First Impressions

I was drawn to this story because of the concept. The idea of grief is fascinating to me, and many of the best stories I’ve ever read feature characters dealing with grief in both healthy and unhealthy ways. This is decidedly the latter.

However, the story is short. Almost criminally short. Several ideas and issues are hinted at or brushed past without being fully explored. The ending is rushed, handled as a quick exposition rather than a rich, detailed dialogue that it should have been.

Due to the nature of the story (I am aware it was a speed write) several things are handled quickly that certainly need much more attention. Fluttershy’s reaction to waking up is certainly rushed. Afterwards, the primary conflict is introduced, and then within a bare few lines of dialogue, is completely resolved. Again, we scratch the surface of a very interesting conflict and simply don’t take the time to appropriately handle it.

The final complication is the resolution, which is handled in exposition rather than narration. I believe this also could use some expansion.

Despite these issues, the true strength of this story is in the characterizations. The author takes two very familiar characters (Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle) and creates a very believable and understandable conflict between them. It makes perfect sense to me that Twilight Sparkle would struggle to manage her grief in healthy ways, instead resulting to obsessive research and experimentation. It also makes perfect sense that Fluttershy would be able to cut to the heart of what Twilight Sparkle is going through.

Ratings by Category

Characters: 8/10. Clearly this story’s strongest point. Twilight prances about in a victory dance when Fluttershy wakes up, celebrating the triumph of experimentation and research even while not understanding the gravity of what she’s done. This feels like perfect Twilight behavior to me, and a good example of showing rather than telling.

Setting: 7/10. Also a strong point. The author’s description of the laboratory works well as a backdrop for the conflict. The techno-detritus that fills the room does a good job setting up the conflict, and helps to enhance Fluttershy’s sense of displacement.

Dialogue: 5/10. The dialogue isn’t terrible on its own, but there’s simply not enough of it. At times, it’s used as exposition in ways that come off bland and blunt. I’ll give one example:

Embarrassed, Twilight cleared her throat. “Mmhmm, yes sorry about that. Basically, you may not know this, but…” she paused, her elation suddenly faltering, “a few years ago... you died.”

Fluttershy did not for an instant think her friend was lying to her, but tilted her head all the same; “But, that makes no sense. Years? H-how?” if anything, the yellow pegasus’ volume shrank further, “What… what happened?”

Twilight seemed determined to spur herself back into a happier state, assuring her friend “It… It is a long story—and I know, by all accounts it doesn’t make any sense, but somehow it worked! I managed to transfer your soul into a robot.”

These paragraphs hint at so much untapped potential drama. Instead, it’s just brushed aside. There’s an opportunity here to have Twilight tell the story of Fluttershy’s death, all the while subconsciously hinting at the conflict ahead (by showing that she’s not dealing with grief in healthy ways). We could have also seen Fluttershy’s reactions to waking up in this way.

Plot Structure: 3/10. The plot suffers from the brevity of the story. There’s nothing wrong with short stories per se, but the subject matters in question demand a much longer treatment.

This is a very easy fix. Simply expand the story, and give each subject the subtle, gentle attention it clearly deserves.

Grammar: 9/10. The story is technically very solid. There was perhaps one or two misused words, but nothing much structure wise that would distract from enjoying the story.

Total: 6.4/10

Final Thoughts/Feedback

I enjoyed this story, but struggled with the length. I feel like the entire plot and subject matter deserves a much longer treatment. Indeed, the only thing holding A False Hope back from greatness is the shortness. My advice would be to lengthen the story greatly, not by adding to the beginning or end, but by expanding throughout.

With a longer word count, the author could appropriately explore the topics involved, and avoid moments of telling, not showing (such as the expositional ending).

Best Part: Twilight’s tone-deaf dance of joy when Fluttershy wakes up.