TA Monstrous Meeting of the Fourth Kind

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Sci-Fi
• Slice of Life

You have been coerced into helping Applejack in a stakeout, seeking to find the one responsible for stealing some apples. Needless to say, the perpetrator isn't at all who you expected. Rather they are out of this world.

• Sex
• Second Person
• Alt. Universe
• Applejack
• OC

Robipony · 7.1k words  ·  112  2 · 2.2k views

SUMMARY
A bookish stallion is setup by a well-meaning friend to help Applejack keep watch over her trees at night, hoping to catch what is destroying the crop. However, what should have been a quiet night to forget soon becomes one that stands out of this world after a very close encounter.

The premise of this story is quite fun and contains a lot of the lovely references and worldbuilding that we expect from the sci-fi genre. Furthermore, there is an overtone of romance that is present, even if not exactly what that well-meaning friend intended. This is a fun read and only held back by a few small details that, if tweaked, would make it stellar (get it, because of space.)

LANGUAGE - 7/10
Style:
This is a story that possesses a rich, descriptive style of storytelling as seen through a second person narrator. This choice of perspective is interesting and while its usage does not hinder the story, I also do not see an obvious reason why this story must be told in second-person. Perhaps, given some deeper reading into the text, the slight tinge of mystery and the subtle themes of seeing above prejudice might justify the need for second person perspective and likewise foster the reader participation inherent in it.

That being said, there are a few instances where the use of "you" becomes repetitive especially when the main character/protagonist is the only pony "on screen".

Opening your eyes, your vision was obscured by the gelatinous structure you were inside, a dull green light filling your view. Your heart nearly froze as a shape outside of this little world obscured the light...

This sentence is grammatically correct and manages to convey the narrative, but notice how many instances of "your" or "you" appear in just two sentences. This is not an issue necessarily caused by second person, although the uncommon nature of "you" in storytelling draws more rather than less attention to the high density of pronouns in this excerpt. Second person tends toward the imperative, that is, every time "you" is used it commands the reader to do action, "You did this.." or "You saw this...". (It is also for this reason that second person tends to be written in present tense). This excerpt, though, seems to exist to establish a scene while the character is mostly immobile, thus the interjections of pronouns take attention away from the scene and redirect it to the character. However, this is a minor point and one easily remedied.

The rest of the style is fine. The language has a nice flow to it and is nearly indistinguishable (that's a good thing). My only other complaint is with some of the descriptions, but we will discuss those in later sections.

Mechanics:
Overall, the mechanics of the language are well-executed. The primary issue is a difficult one to spot, although the mistakes were consistent in each instance. These mistakes have to do with comma usage that slices sentences or improperly sets up a parenthetical phrase. Here is the first instance where the sentence should exist as one straight clause:

The only reason, you had agreed to this was as a favor.

Skipping a few instances of errors:

You found yourself, resting on some sort of artificial lily pad, floating on the surface of a glowing green pool.

This is an example of where the use of commas combined with participles creates a confusing relationship between the subject and objects. It is difficult to tell whether "you" is resting or floating, or both since the use of commas makes the "resting" clause parenthetical, that is, only an extra bit of information not necessary to the sentence. I would rewrite this sentence without any commas at all, as here:

You found yourself resting on some sort of artificial lily pad that was floating on the surface of a glowing pool.

See how this sentence not only clearly defines the relationships between the subject, the lily pad, and the pool, but also has an unimpeded flow that sounds more natural. (A quick note on commas with "that" and "which" since these appear in the story: "that" is used for information that is required for the sentence to make sense and thus not separated by a comma; "which" is more of an extra and set aside by a comma.)

Mood and Tone:
I do not have much to say in this section since I will be covering several points in the next section. In general, the mood is well established through details in the setting and a few good bits of dialogue. The scene setting at the beginning, for instance, is proper in creating the expected bit of mystery that might make the reader wonder what kind of encounter is going to occur (assuming they read the title). Furthermore, the use of color is interesting in separating the mood of each scene; green, for instance is prominent in the third scene when our protagonist has the real "close encounter", suggesting an environment that is perhaps more earthly and familiar than the expected alien setting. The prominence of pink, likewise, suggests a familiar feminine quality in that of the alien character.

But while I like the mood of the third scene in particular, I believe the execution of mood shifts within this scene could be better executed. The fact is that there are a lot of emotional shifts occurring between the characters as they feel each other out; many of these, though, occur are released before enough tension has built-up or are simply passed over quickly by other details. There is a lot of potential for drama in the type of interaction this scene presents, especially if the tone of the underlying emotions is used to create a series of well-defined tension and release (in music these are called suspensions and I love them!) that draws the reader closely to the narrative and keeps them there.

SETTING - 8/10
The setting is a hallmark of science fiction and this story does a brilliant job of building an in-depth world in very few words. The descriptions are good, although the establishing scene of the spaceship is somewhat stereotypical (nothing wrong with this, per se). However, the explanation of the translation program is a wonderful example of showing the reader how this world works without boring them with a dump of exposition.

The larger world that the alien character Haewara describes through explaining the intergalactic laws that justify why she is there is a well-executed bit of world-building that could easily be the basis for a much grander work. The necessity of such details is questionable given the scale and focus of this story, bu they are a nice touch regardless as they make the setting that much richer.

Most of the setting and exposition in the third scene is delivered via the ignorant party method as the protagonist and Haewara converse. If were not for the fact that they are discussing their respective species and thus establishing a sort of connection through that, I would classify this part of the setting delivery as very "tell-y". However, as it stands it is acceptable.

CHARACTERS - 8/10
There is a very small cast of characters in this story, only three to be exact: the protagonist, Applejack, and the alien Haerwara. In a way, this small roster is beneficial to the purpose of the story, which is to focus on the alien character.

The protagonist (I saw his name once, but have since forgotten it ) does not see much development in this story, with much of his characterization coming in the form of callbacks to his appearance in previous stories. Some of these details seem irrelevant to the narrative, in particular the mention that he is a writer; this makes him seem like a self-insert character. However, he serves his purpose well for the story, that is, to be the reader's eyes as they focus on the character of Haewara.

Applejack, likewise, serves as a character to counterbalance the protagonist and provide a somewhat more expected response to the events of the narrative given the unique experience of the protagonist. In a way, Applejack's and the Protagonist's character serve as a contrast that develops the story's themes - Applejack assumes the negative, the protagonist the positive.

The character of Haewara is well-developed, more so than the other two characters. Her first line of intelligible dialogue establishes what the reader can expect of her character right away:

Hello? Can you understand me?

This line is simple, yet is able to suggest that this is not a stereotypical alien, but rather one that is sensitive and empathetic and thus relatable to the reader. The next several bits of dialogue take the character in a slightly different direction, focusing on her professionalism with direct questions and dry reactions. This development of her character sets up a nice contrast for the more intimate presentation of Haewara in the third scene between her and the protagonist. My only complaint of her characterization, though, also comes from this scene; having removed her suit, her appearance is given to the reader via direct description. While it does not detract from the story, this means of physically describing a character lacks connection to that character's motivation; what a character is is not nearly important as why a character is. The details do not tell the reader much about Haewara, nor do they tell them much about the protagonist as he does not react much to the descriptions either.

However, there are some nice bits of shared emotion between the two characters that fosters the connection that is central to the story. More on this below.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 7/10
In general, the plot has a good motion to it and fits the type of pseudo-romance/sci-fi story this is. The opening scene is an excellent example of a promise to the reader; the romantic tension or lack thereof between Applejack and the protagonist immediately establishes what the reader can expect of the conflict, i.e. that it will involve a relationship. There are some other elements as well, such as the line "Do you think they are going to probe us?", that provide some minor foreshadowing as well as comedic effect when repeated at the end of the story.

I like where the plot leads in the third scene, but this scene as well as the others suffer from poor pacing in the tension and release. Perhaps the best way to describe the plot at this point is that is does not diverge far enough away from the status quo, thus creating a rather static balance throughout the story. Let's look closer at the scene in question.

The introduction is a nice example of building tension through the protagonist's confusion at his surroundings and his near panic; this build-up, though, is quickly released and a new stasis is created only to be burst a few sentences later. Such an effect could be interesting for the narrative where a slow pace suggests the unknown amount of time that passes for the protagonist until he is suddenly snapped back into the moment, but it is spoiled too early as in this excerpt:

Occasionally during your slumber you would dream, strange visions of needles, tentacles, carapace and numerous tubes, however these painful dreams were gradually washed away by the melody that played softly outside your watery abode. You weren't sure how long you slept, however you did recall how suddenly the peace of your sanctuary came to an end. You were about to fall asleep once more when suddenly the membrane in front of you split open.

As the pod burst you could feel whatever it was that was supplying you oxygen in the fluid ceased. You coughed, expelling the liquid from your lungs.

I've added italics to show the offending sentences that tell the reader what is about to happen as showed by the next paragraph, thus ruining the effect. Notice how two of the three sentences in the paragraph are focused on what is about to happen rather than what already happened; this creates a confusing timeline for the reader to follow.

Moving past this start of the scene, the rest actually moves quite well despite a few extra descriptions here and there that slow the pace briefly; for these instances, I would rely on the dialogue to carry the feelings of the character's rather than accompanying reactions. The conversation between the protagonist and Haewara has some lovely emotional development that creates this romantic tension that is rather enthralling. Here are some excerpts of dialogue that do a great job at creating this effect:

Haewara tilted her head, "The female that I brought on board with you, is she your breeding partner?"

"Oh, no not all [...]"

"I see."

[...]

"So do you have a mate?"

"I... Uh, well... No." You confessed.

"That is a shame."Haewara looked you over, her scrutiny made you feel uneasy.

"Well, what about you," you inquired. "Do you have a mate?"

The alien looked down, her antenna and the appendages on the back of her head drooped in a sullen manner."I too am lacking."

"Oh, sorry."

"Sadly, most of the males of my species do not find me very attractive," Haewara continued, "most of them say [...]."

Haewara motioned to the fluffy fuzz around her neck. Looking at the fur, you didn't think it was all that bad. [...] "Honestly, I think you're quite attractive."

The reader can feel the shared emotion between these characters as they have this conversation and perhaps even desire the relationship to work. This is carried a little further with this line:

Haewara said, "it would seem the ponies and Shirlectas share ninety two percent genetic similarity and are reproductively compatible."

The innate tension of sexual curiosity could make for a great tool to further accelerate the plot, but this development fails to draw out any more from the characters than the simple expression of curiosity. The conflict that could emerge is resolved too quickly within the next lines of dialogue:

"As curious as I am on the matter," you sputtered, "I don't think it would be right for us to follow this train of thought under the circumstances."

Those alien eyes blinked before Haewara gave a nod, her lips turning into a soft smile.

"I suppose you are right. It would be unprofessional for me to have relations with someone I have detained."

The simple fact is that these characters seem to act too rationally, too logically, which might be more realistic, but does not introduce any more excitement into the plot. It is somewhat of a disappointment to the reader as they do not get to see much of the characters struggling with this line of thought and their feelings towards it and each other.

The closing bit of the story is a nice place to end, suggesting that perhaps the story might continue beyond the written text and that Haewara and the protagonist may in fact get together. But again, the logical reactions of the characters hinder the emotional tension of the moment and result in an unnoticeable departure from the status quo.

Thematically, this story has a positive message of seeing past physical difference to see the beauty within.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I enjoyed this story, especially the lovely elements of world-building. And despite my criticism, the interaction between the protagonist and Haewara was fun to read; I gladly ship these two.

Really the only thing I didn't like is what could have been done. Understandably, this story is not tagged as a romance but rather a comedy and slice of life; in my opinion, the core concept of the story makes it seem like a romance, hence why my expectations were not exactly satisfied. (Then again, author, you also have the unfortunate luck of me writing this review after reading the romantic chapter of Background Pony and writing my own essay on the subject - quite of an unfair comparison. )

Also, a quarter of a bonus point for the references thrown in: "Beam me down, buggy!" and the homage to "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" - my stomach

Overall, Excellent story. 7.75/10

7432767 Well, this went surprisingly well.

As many authors can attest, writing can be both fun and intimate, as it takes a part of the writer's soul and places it on display. It can be both an exciting and an embarrassing situation. So admittedly, I was both surprised and terrified when I saw that this review was up. Now while there were obviously a few mistakes with my work, I can see that you still enjoyed the story and that makes me happy. So I would say that it was worth it.

The simple fact is that these characters seem to act too rationally, too logically, which might be more realistic, but does not introduce any more excitement into the plot. It is somewhat of a disappointment to the reader as they do not get to see much of the characters struggling with this line of thought and their feelings towards it and each other.

Yeah, I will confess that the scene could have been handled better, I'm just not sure how. I don't write clop and while I wanted to hint at some romance between the reader character (who technically doesn't have a name ) I didn't want it to become too dangerous. Although I do wonder if perhaps there could have been a less abrupt way to have both the reader and Haewara to come to their conclusion (of course if you have any suggestions on how that could have been done, feel free to mention it).

Will there be more Haewara, the answer is... I hope so. It's really a matter of trying to figure out a way to have Haewara show up without it seeming completely out of left field.

Thank you for this review. While I was worried at first, I think you did a great job. Keep up the good work. 👾👾

7432802
Worried? My fellow author, you have no reason to fear - I don't bite (although my otter does ).

As far as making scenes like that between "You" and Haewara better, you don't need to get into any clop (in fact, that would ruin a scene like this one), but rather just need to prolong the tension. Make the characters indecisive and unsure of how they feel for a little while so that when they do decide, it feels like a satisfying conclusion rather than an answer they already knew. Think of it kind of like when you have a schoolyard crush and you sit on the swing pulling pedals from a daisy, saying "He loves me. He loves me not...". There is also the long-distance aspect and the difference between species angle to play with; the conflict could stem from the fact that both parties want a relationship to work and struggle with reconciling their wants with the reality of the situation, ultimately resolving on what you wrote. Through and through, the most dominant emotion I see in this scene that should be brought out is not so much sexual desire, but rather an innate, innocent curiosity and longing to know somepony else as a companion.

But these are only my opinions and observations and thus subject to my own tastes. You're a good writer and the monster mare series is rather creative, so keep on writing.