TDour

• MLP: FiM
• EaW
• Slice of Life

Rose Meadow receives some unfortunate news - An Equestria at War short

• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Royal Guard

The Great Scribbly One · 2.6k words  ·  30  2 · 772 views

SUMMARY
After returning from some convalescent leave, Rose Meadow receives more than just the usual gossip update from the old veteran of her section.

A short slice of a much larger world, this story manages to create a detailed and interesting snapshot of a section of royal guards during the central conflict of the Equestria at War universe.

Some spoilers, but all my reviews have them so don't blame me.

LANGUAGE - 9/10
Style:
Overall the style is consistent and fresh with excellent characters that work well for this piece. While I've discussed the author's style at length in my previous review, there are some subtle yet interesting differences here versus "Prologue" that are worth mentioning.

First is the tense; this story is told in present tense and done so with no noticeable errors. This gives the sense that, in contrast to "Prologue", this story is happening as we read along rather than being an event that is later recorded. This decision thus enhances the slice of life feel.

Second is the change of narrator from Rose Meadow to Victor Strihooveski. With this change comes a slight shift in the language; the sentences are drier and focused on fact while smaller details are pointed out instead of the grander, more poetic styling found when Rose was the narrator. Consider these two passages from the same location, the first from Rose in "Prologue" and the second from Victor is this story.

The sun, which had been lingering in its descent like a foal seeing how long she can put off heading out for school, finally got a move on and slid downward. Though the scene was as beautiful as always (honestly, the views were one of the best perks of a Canterlot posting, even if it meant dealing with annoying tourists now and again) and the physical clouds remained pointedly absent, the metaphorical cloud of doubt – of fear – remained, as if the tardy sun was being devoured by the distant horizon, a horizon beyond which the source of that cloud lay.

I glance over her head at the peaks of the Canterhorn far above us and think I catch a glimpse of somepony climbing the path we take on the weekly route march.

I will discuss more about these differences in the characters section as this parity is effective in it's indirect characterization.

Mechanics:
No major errors in grammar or other mechanics. This is good considering present tense tends to be prone to tense errors. The sentence structures pair well with the style.

Mood and Tone:
The approach to this story seems to be one of minimalism, matching Victor's own personal outlook. Indeed, the majority of mood must be inferred by the reactions from other ponies, especially Rose, that Victor observes. This excerpt highlights this:

The mare sags somewhat, ears twisting back. "The rest of them too. Afraid to be in front of me when I'm angry, probably."

"You're being silly." I chastise. "Yes, we're all a little scared of you, but that is good. Respect alvays has an element of fear to it. Fundamentally, it's the same as how a teacher maintains order."

"Except you." She comments.

I shake my head, feeling my mouth twitch upward at one corner.

There are quite a few emotions that surface in this exchange. There are tinges of sadness or disappointment with Rose that she her section is afraid of her, but also the sense of kinship between Rose and Victor and some friendly humor. The language is not overt in describing these; rather, it is the characters that help to convey these emotions to the reader.

SETTING - 9/10
I am continually amazed at the amount of worldbuilding present in such a short story. The calendar in particular is impressive and definitely shows some equine-centric cognition on the part of the author.

The conversations between characters are able to pack so much information about the world without seeming unnatural or like exposition dumps. Consider these comments:

Rose replies with a shrug. "Thanks for the flowers by the way, they were delicious."

The above excerpt is worthy of mention because of how well it adapts a familiar action to the equine world. It is also a comical subversion.

"Especially not vith the rumours you apparently missed." I say. "Mares who get called up dropping out of basic that vay."

Rose's ear flicks. "Plenty of married mares have been getting the papers, it's inevitable some of them would have been trying in Windy, got called up and didn't know yet."

In just this simple exchange much can be deduced about the state of Equestrian society at this point in the war: there is some form of conscription, it applies to mares and stallions, there are those who try to evade the conscription, and of course there are the reproductive elements.

I actually find this story's presentation of reproduction interesting, if merely because of my real world experience working in the equine industry. The author finds a delicate balance in presenting how the sexual physiology of these ponies affects their lives in a way that few other authors on this site can; most either don't touch it or take it to the far extremes. I like this approach and believe it lends maturity and realism to the world the author is creating.

CHARACTERS - 9/10
This story is, by and large, a character piece with a focus on the two characters of Rose and Victor that were introduced in "Prologue". There is not so much of change in these characters as there is development.

The chemistry between Rose and Victor is one of the alluring aspects of this series; the two characters are balanced against each other quite well. With Rose we have the young but competent leader, prone to poeticism but still pragmatic. Victor provides the counter to this, being old and experienced with the wisdom to enhance Rose's outlook.

(This type of pairing is a fairly common trope, especially among the works of Bernard Cornwell. It is also a feature of some modern militaries which will pair young officers with senior enlisted.)

The use of perspective is strong in exploring the characters (granted this works best if the reader has read both this story and "Prologue"). A character is heavily defined by their voice as what they percieve and choose to say, in addtion to how they say it, can give clues to motivation and values. I like this excerpt which in just a few sentences captures a lot of what we need to know about Rose and Victor:

Rose smiles, but it's soon overtaken with worry. "I know when you're avoiding something Victor, what's the m-" She pauses and her red tail flicks as she looks behind me. "What's happened to Soapy? Her bunk's been cleared."

And there it is. "She... Vas discharged."

Green eyes blink and ears twitch with worry. "Discharged? It's wartime, how did she get a discharge?"

That's a bit of a sore spot for me. I was supposed to retire in three days when the bucking war started. Instead I got reclassified as an Immune. Sometimes I think the world hates me.

"She got pregnant." I reply slowly. "She-"

"What." Rose interrupts flatly.

"Your ears vork." I reply equally flatly. "She told us three days ago [...]."

With Rose, although Victor is merely describing her physical actions, it is clear that she is concerned for Soapy and likewise the other ponies in her section. This is a motivation, her focus on her ponies as their leader. This is also why I believe Victor likes Rose, the way he notices these things and is even able to predict how she might react, i.e. "And there it is." Furthermore, Victor keeps his emotions guarded, giving a clue into his motivation: to do his job and serve without complaint, he is too old for that. It is somewhat of a reserved motivation, but one that is brought out by his investment into Rose.

All in all, these characters are complex and come to life through these stories. The background characters as well are decent, although all except Soapy still seem distant as they don't play a direct role in this story or the previous. Despite not being physically present, Soapy receives significant characterization albeit influenced by the biases of Rose and Victor.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 8/10
There is not much to say about the plot as this story focuses primarily on characterization and worldbuilding. The pacing is good and there is a sense of progress as Rose and Victor work through the news of Soapy. Furthermore, the use of conversation between old friends catching up on gossip is a nice way to tell a story that occurred over a much longer time period.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I liked the atmosphere and intimacy with the characters this story provides. The use of perspective and voice was well executed, making this story a perfect companion for "Prologue".

I really don't have much to say in my area of improvement section here. Continue to work on these characters and world and think of how these motivations they have can be used to bring out flaws and subsequent growth in their longer arcs.

Overall, Excellent story 9/10

Score guide
Unsatisfactory: 0-3
Fair: 4-6
Good: 7-8
Excellent: 9-10

Thanks for the review, I'm blown away by such positive feedback, even if it makes me a little nervous to follow up well with the main book!

As a note, I will say that at the point in the war that this story is set, conscription only applies to mares due to a number of socio-economic factors, mostly stemming from having a 70% female population in a strictly monogamous civilisation of a race with fairly limited sexual dimorphism that has been ruled by a largely female aristocracy pretty much since banging rocks together was considered the cutting edge of technology.
The Guard used to be almost exclusively male due to certain traditions before the reforms, but today it's worth mentioning that Rose Section (before Soapy's unexpected departure at least) is only 25% male, which is on the high side for any part of the armed forces at this point, unless one begins looking at auxiliary services like the ARP, medical staff and air command adjutants where a lot of male volunteers often end up.