Hi,

My usual editors have abandoned me, and I need feedback on characters/plot structure for my fic badly.
It's a politics/intrigue story about Sunset visiting Griffonstone in the times way before the show, and witnessing (and taking part) in the fall of Griffonstone and them losing the Idol of Boreas. I'm trying to draw inspiration from Zelazny's Amber series and Count of Monte Cristo sort of style, and it's very much outside my current writing abilities.

The elevator pitch for the fic is:

Sunset Shimmer (pre-EQG) goes to Griffinstone at the time when Idol of Boreas still was making griffons proud. She learns that they intend to start a war with Equestria and tries to prevent it, in process learning a lesson about what true power is from a Lord, a Warlock and a Whore.

It's going to be M-rated, though does not contain any gore, porn or very detailed violence. It will have [Narcotics] and [Death] tags, though.

It's currently standing at about 45k words, and the plan is to get it to 60k before Christmas, so it's gonna be a pretty long haul, at a, hopefully, brisk pace.

I need someone to read what I have, tell me when pacing/characters/plot twists make no sense, and, ideally suggest improvements, providing regular feedback.

Please PM/answer in thread, ping me in #writing-help in Fimfiction discord

Sure. It sounds like you already have things pretty well in order so may not be able to provide much help beyond saying this are going smoothly, but i would be happy to help as much as I.
I'll admit I don't know much about the Amber series. Though I have read the Count of Monty Cristo.
Feel free to link me to what you have and I will read over it first chance i get.

6559715
Thank you!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GaSlLKGS1smHG8sZl3esAOQdLoJh3Vz4M6uogA3lqu0/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18IBwukCpdIBWA68Z7Js-TDt3rhjZPy6lAOCAM0hOnvg/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1110Qm_MbNDgOsWELDbuJWDR2ahYCYj6tfRST59GesqU/edit?usp=sharing

Any comments would be appreciated

Hey read through the first book. Or first 5 chapters.
Overall the story is very good. The writing and prose is very good. Like published book level good.

Characterization is good. I like what is done with Sunset being more of a blood thirsty warrior and her going behind Celestia's back in terms of trying to figure out another way to become an Alicorn. The inclusion of Ahuizotl as the being she is learning from was odd but interesting. Story wise it's interesting since it means we get what is basically Aztec culture along with the Griffon's more Babylonian inspired culture.
I also like a lot of the stuff done with Griffons. Like there claws being able to cut magic and them being more noble but prideful rather then just jerks as they often come off in the show.

I noticed some spelling and grammar errors. Nothing big. Mostly very minor stuff. (should also mention notes/corrections done by the name Brian Green are me) I also noticed in the first 10 or so pages a tendency to use run on sentences. This actually stops about halfway through chapter 1 thankfully but it is something you might want to look over.

Pacing is good expect for the prologue. It's not bad but it feels a bit bogged down and whip-lashed due to it going back and forth between Sunset being in Griffonstone and her remembering about her nightly magic journeys. Perhaps some of the flash back to her practicing her illegal magic could be chopped up and placed elsewhere in the story. Making them a semi-reoccurring thing throughout. Some definitely need to be in the prologue so we get the idea she is engaging them. But they feel just a bit front loaded.

Also this is just me but I feel like i missed something in regards to what Sunset's plan is? I realize she is trying to stop Gideon from declaring war on Equestria, and is trying to get an audience with the Eagle counsel in order to block Gideon's attempt at his request. But I am confused on the place holder line 'AS A RESULT SHE MANAGES TO FIND THE FIRST SCROLL' Am i missing something here? I don't remember a scroll fetch quest being mentioned. Clarification would be very much appreciated.

One thing I find confusing is the timeline. The King at the time is King Grover. Which according the the Griffonstone episode and MLP wiki was the first King of Griffonstone. This is very confusing for 2 reasons.
1: The idol wasn't lost till the 14th King. King Guto. Which likely took place a good 1,000 years after King Grover.
2: Even if this story was dealing with King Guto the time period when he lost the Idol seemed to be implied to be decades or even centuries ago. Not a few years ago when this fic obvious takes place. At best it was lost before Gilda was born since she didn't think it existed.

In the meantime I will continue to read though the other 2 Act's.

6572082
Oh, you didn't tag me, so I did not see that review.
Thanks for detailed feedback, and your edit suggestions.
And yeah, it's supposed to be King Guto, not Grover. My mistake.

And yeah, the main plot is a bit murky at the moment. The idea at the moment is based on the Friendship is Magic comic #60.
The war seems to be predicated upon one document that says that Griffonstone owns most of the territory of Equestria, and Sunset tries to prevent it by finding the second document that says that the land in question was bought by Equestria fair and square.
The CAPS BITS are all placeholders, where I haven't figured out the details yet.

6583487
Good to know. I don't read much of the comics so i wasn't aware of that aspect. I will hunt down a copy to get myself more up to speed as a I read through more.

Hellow Sorry for the long time with no reply. I finished reading over the other two books since then. I lso tracked down and read the two issues of the comic.

Like the first book the other two are really great as far as writing goes and i over all like the plot and characters and how everything goes and how the story goes in death into Griffon culture.

First a technical nit pick. I suggest going though and adding in all the suggested dialogue you intend to use as it can be a bit troubling reading through and then having to read down 5 pages of side text.
It also makes it a bit hard to know what in the story is true or not since stuff described in the side could end up being axed later.

As far as the plot and characters go my only real concern is in the third book. Mainly the reveal at the end of Bluette being this mare behind the curtain. I like Bluette as a character and her reveal but it feels like she and her relationship to Sunset aren't really given enough screen time to justify her being so sure Sunset is so enthralled to her, nor to really justify her being revealed as this true mastermind behind the certain. There needs to be a bit more about her history at Griffonstone, her history with Fancy, and her manipulation and control of Sunset.

I also find Fancy's reaction to Sunset ripping out his heart rather odd. I get Fancy is calm about most thing, but to be so calm about his heart being ripped out? I Feel Fancy, heck almost anyone, would fly off the handle at that point. I do however think his panic would subside quickly as he realized the game/trap he was no enthralled in.

I'll re-read though book 1 and bit and comment more later.

6608819
Oooh, almost missed this. Thank you for your opinion, it really helps.
Follow up questions:
Was the magic explanation in first part of the third act understandable?
Were the fight scenes tense?
Is the language repetitve?
Was the pacing reasonable?

In this order.
The magic was explained very well. Like i said in the previous response I really like the idea of the griffon's being able to cut magic and having control over icey winds. It does a lot to make them a threat to ponies in battle while also making the griffon magic and combat style different from the ponies.
The fight scenes I think where the best part of the story. You do a very good job of describing character's tactics, the battle wounds that various attacks inflict and the exhaustion the characters suffer from those wounds.
The only place the language got repetitive was a bit in the first few chapters that had some long run on sentences. As i noted they seemed to stop around the second chapter and the story settle's into a good even pace for the rest of it.