After suffering severe harassment from a noble, Octavia decides to leave Canterlot. With the aid of her roadie Metal Riffs she will be forced to change her solitary ways as she faces against other musicians, gangsters and various perils that haunt the Big Apple. How much can the career of a cellist really change before she snaps?
And why does she need to make friends with various artists if they don't even play the same music as she does? She has avoided learning about the importance of friendship, and reality will make her learn.
A story taking place in the same universe as Requiem for a Soldier
Chapters (3)
Not bad.
You did a fairly good job of establishing the characters. It could perhaps have used a little more on Octavia's position at the start. The world you are creating in back alley Canterlot is working very well. There is plenty of interesting conflict going on. The story reminds me of showgirls (the film) in several aspects. I consider that a good thing.
There are some problems with it though. Metal Riffs feels a lot like you writing yourself into the story to rescue Octavia from the bad guys so you can fall in love. I've noticed there's no romance tag, so maybe that won't happen, but that's something people around here don't like. The start was better than the fight scene. The fight scene was laughable in places, like where Metal Riffs jumps in out of nowhere are saves her with the power of heavy metal. I actually enjoyed this, because it was so funny, but from a tone perspective it was too blunt.
My tips for you are:
Fix the description. The second line implies they are going to Canterlot instead of away, and the last sentence should be "...will have to struggle against unlikely foes..."
You have a problem with comma splicing. That's when you join two sentences with a comma. Try to stop doing this.
Think a little bit harder about what is too silly to put in a story during the serious parts.
2560139
I thank you for your constructive review, now I shall proceed to eradicate any traces of doubt left.
First: I didn't know what else to describe about her, she plays the cello in a club and that's about it. I really can't think of anything else, yet anyways.
Second :Metal Riffs is not a self-insert, I've already done that in my other story (Requiem for a Soldier). And even there I Make sure to alter my character because i dont find myself very appealing. I'm actually trying to portray Metal as a big brother.
Third: I believe myself to be incapable of writing romance, so I won't. And if I were to try I would need several chapters to begin establishing a relationship. I don't want to turn my stories into mainstream stuff, if people like it they will read it. I only put what I think is needed. if this isn't the norm here, well then, I am sorry
Fourth: Metal was right behind the bad guys, just that no one bothered to notice him. Octavia didn't see him coming because she was looking down. I hope that w the answer you were looking for.
Fifth: thanks for reporting the problem in the description, I hadn't noticed till now.
Sixth: I invite you to read my other story, requiem for a Soldier,it's connected to this story. Maybe you could get a better view of things.
Seventh: I hope I answered all your questions, if not then say so.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The magic of Music
Grammar score out of 10: 4.5
Pros
Very nice, original portrayal of Equestria.
DUDE FIGHTS WITH GUITAR LIKE A BOSS.
Very tasty storyline.
Cons
Grammar errors are a little detracting.
Octavia's character could use a bit more definition.
WHERE's VINYL?!
Notes Section
I honestly do love this story. this is one of the few fics I've read where the story is so fascinating that the errors that may exist in grammar/spelling don't make you want to stop reading. I love your concept, it reminds me slightly of Bioshock or 1950's era New York.
The relationship between Octavia and Metal is rather interesting (If it seems a little forced due to grammar issues when they speak) But I could definitely go for more.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: TOTR is the only one I'm really interested in... so you get a freebie.
VYNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!
Definitely gettin' interesting.