A recent plague of freakishly strong thunderstorms has been ravaging Ponyville's borders, and somepony has to put a stop to it. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack and Rainbow Dash must venture into the depths of the untamed Everfree forest, further than ever before, and find the source of these natural disasters... and in so doing, they uncover a being that is beyond all natural law.
Set in the early days of the mane six's friendship, before discord's redemption, and before the King of Shadows or the Queen of Lies were struck down. Don't let the cutesy prologue fool you... this story is a bleak and foreboding glimpse at a fragment of Equestria's ancient history. The story is complete, and chapters will be released every one or two days.
Chapters (11)
This is actually really good so far! I'm surprised there aren't any comments yet.
Onto the next chapter! Lovin' Dash's attitude!
This is awesome so far, keep it up!
I have a distinct feeling that twilight wasn't the one that saved her...
A Power Greater - Witch Mountain
Well, this story has potential. A lot of it.
However, after reading the prologue, I have two things to say:
One is that there are a few capitalization errors sprinkled throughout the narrative, mostly when a new sentence starts.
The other is my opinion that it was all going a bit too fast. You seemed to be jumping from voice to voice without much heed to the overall description and imagery, and without those two elements the newly introduced characters felt more flat than they should be. They all felt a little too excitable as well.
And that actually brings up another point. Don't overuse your exclamation points. I know you want to show emotion and conviction in your dialogue, but exclamation points are better used in moderation. If written sparingly, a well placed exclamation can come alive and spur adrenaline through the reader, but here, when it seems like you liberally coated it with the symbols (as in, almost every other line uses one), it feels as if everyone's head is going to explode because they had recently inhaled a veritable mountain of candy.
Beyond those three qualms, though, this looks like it'll be a fun ride. World building, good writing, and interesting concepts.
I'm game.
Good gravy! Forty favorites in a single day? Is that... normal?
This is the first story I've posted that actually reached the front page. A big thanks to everyone who Liked and Favorited! And, as always, it immediately gets one single dislike. I really want to know what that guy was thinking, actually... that's what I'm most curious about.
2532149
Thank you very much for the frank and forthright comment. I'll have to take a closer look at the remaining chapters from here on out: not too late to edit those more carefully for capitalization problems.
As for the hectic speed and saccharin punctuation, it's primarily an attempt to call-back earlier generations of the MLP franchise... but that's still no excuse for poor writing, of course. Also, I cut the prologue by at least a third of it's original length (under the advice of my editor) which might explain the choppiness. I'm curious to know if the problems persist into later chapters. If so, then Houston: we have a problem.
2532319
Erm... my first chapters tend to be total non-sequitors, designed to set up the rest of the story in some unexpected way. "The Death of Daring Do" was the same. I'm beginning to think I have a problem.
umm quick question why does it say complete this story doesnt sound complete to me atleast i hope its not complete cause man this is good. so if your readin this could ya tell me if the complete is just an error or if this just leads to another story.
2532585
The story is listed as complete because all the chapters are online, fully written and edited, but they haven't been published yet. I'm going to make a new chapter available every one or two days. This way, there's no chance I'll lose interest and leave the story unfinished forever. If this is against the rules, somebody please let me know immediately.
2532618
Alright thanks for the info
Creepy...
Reminds me of the Blair witch project...
2532618
I am pretty sure Complete is only for fanfics that have all their chapters online and published. I'd refer to the site rules if I were you.
EDIT: I see no rules regarding it in the FAQ section. I would think it's supposed to be as I stated above, though. From a reader's perspective, this is not complete. I can not, for example, download this to my ereader and go read it. It is incomplete until I can do just that, in my opinion.
Looks great!
, is this it, or will you be adding more?
But I'm confused at the complete tag
Edit: Ah, just reread the description, all good now.
looks pretty good
Love the vibe those figures in the tree are giving off, SPOOOOOoooky
And I would like to imagine the homemaking scene was done in a montage.
Can't wait for the next release.
Where the hell is Rainbow Dash? How has she not found them yet?
2533718 Your second sentence doesn't make sense. I'm sure you mean 'confused'?
(sorry)
2533583
As some may have already guessed: Yes, this story's original title was in fact "The Mare Witch Project." But then I noticed somebody else already had a fic by that name. Ah, well.
2533604
Hm. There does seem to be a lot of confusion and/or frustration about this, and it does seem vaguely deceitful on my part. I have sent a PM to one of the mods requesting clarification.
2533604
Update from a Moderator: The "Complete" tag is, indeed, for stories that are fully published: not just fully written. The story has been set to Incomplete. Terribly sorry, all.
2535907 You betcha
, NINJA EDIT AWAY!
Blair Witch Project
... what the devil is going on? I MUST KNOW!
Keeps getting weirder and weirder. Hope Applejack doesn't lose her nerves.
wow the ponies lack lots of knowledge of how natural weather works
Well thats what you get when it can be manipulated by pegasi
This is so interesting!
This is really heating up.
MOAR!
I'm suspecting that their's more to the stick figures than one would think . . .
2541528 *there's*
<3
"An it harm none, do what ye will." (the Wiccan Rede)
Oh My.
Another nice update
You do masterful suspense writing
Is the centaur a vision of a future encounter, or just a dream I wonder.
Can't wait for more,
For some reason, I keep expecting Mr. Jiggles to show up... wouldn't that be perfect?
Edit: Bitter... almonds. I see what you did there. And, utterly mundane as it is, that had me spooked for the whole chapter. Well played, good sir... well played.
2542445
You get a gold star! Unless you just Googled the phrase, of course.
2543212
You have no idea how happy I am that you recognized it as being centaur shaped, even though I never actually used the word "centaur." The ponies wouldn't have such a word: it's half horse, and half... what?
I suppose that didn't stop them from having a minotaur.
2543413
But Mr Jiggles has appeared.
Look behind you.
2543557
Renard Leblanc turned around to look at Mr. Jiggles.
~Fin~
2543557 My pleasure to sooth your fears
Though I'm still confused at the "Bird-like head" part.
I've got 2 theories:
1) The centaur has some weird, horned bird head
2) The centaur was wearing a helmet
I have most believe in the second one, but if it's the first one, because you mentioned GW1, I suspect Tirek
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3ikvyOukS1ru5991o1_500.jpg
2543835
I do so love fan speculation! I will say this: My primary concern was to take inspiration from G1, but I didn't use any canonical characters. The named characters in the prologue are, as far as I know, my own original creations.
The dream monster certainly resembles Tirek, though... doesn't he?
Hmm... An axe next to the chicken coop? Looks like we're have Scootaloo tonight!
Good thing they didn't see a headless chicken running around.
.......applejack dies first
HERES JHONNY
I am so glad I decided to read this.
Shelter - Witch Mountain
YOU ARE SO DAMN GOOD AT DESCRIPTIONS!!!!
it!
Also a big fan of your characterization, how long did you spend writing this story?
My first thought was hobbit hole, but based of the reading (and the prologue
) I'm getting more of a Baba Yaga vibe
.
I'm just WAITING for the stick men to become animated, it's just screaming at me.
Can't wait for more
Edit: Quick error though.
Forgot the "she".
Damn, this is good. I can picture it all.
2544241
HA. HA. HA.
Ok it's a little funny.
oh no applejack cannot unsee
cool
And thus, Pinkie Pie struck again.
moaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar
... WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? What's causing this freak weather? Certainly not a few weak little BEARS? Perhaps there's... something more to this. Oh... I think I need to check on my Vault of Ancient and Indescribable Apocalyptic Evils... One moment...
DAG NABBIT! I forgot to replace the airtight seals! The Storm Spirits got out again! Well, you're on your own! Took me MONTHS to catch those guys, and I'm NOT doing it again!
Lack of answers and even more questions. I NEED TO KNOW!!