After the unsuccessful attempt to destroy Alma, Sergeant Michael Becket get teleported to... Equestria. He wakes up in a world full of ponies, magic and weird creatures. After meeting the mane six and avoiding misunderstandings he finally make some new friends. But soon after the first day very terrible things are happening..
Hey guys, this is my first HiE, and my first fimfic ever. And maybe the first AiE (Alma in Equestria) ever on fimfiction.
The coverimage was made by Doubleleaf on deviantart.com
Editor: Lolsternater (First chapter only)
Chapters (13)
2596504 you liked my story, then facehooved?
You've got a good story here, but there are a handful of odd spots. Aside from grammatical errors, some of the dialog doesn't flow too well. Contractions are a writers friend. I'd rather leave you to proof your own work, as I find it helps improve ones writing in the future. Aside from direct errors like that, I'd recommend you start asking yourself some questions. How, and why did Becket get to Equestria? He was in F.3.A.R. so you might have to come up with some answer as to why he's with the ponies. Another thing, it seems a little rushed. Dash tries to tackle him, and then she's a crying wreck. Then they're suddenly friends. Show and tell, 20 Questions and "Bam! Friends!" all happen in the first chapter. I, personally, would strech it out, expand on the characters.
If you're looking for more specific help, get a pre-reader. Hope this helps!
You guys are all right: My grammar is horrible. But over the next days I will try to correct all errors and improve some of the dialogs.
2601608 I choosed Michael Becket, because I didn't like the way he died in F.E.A.R. 3...
And why RD and Michael became friends? Why not... :P
Ok, back to serious: she hurted her wing (and pegasus wings are very sensitive, you know), and then she was saved by MB. She started to develop feelings for him, no romantical, but she cares about him and he cares about her.
2602253 Thanks for the Tip with Google Docs. Its just AWESOME
The current coverimage is made by doubleleaf on deviantart.com
Its just a placeholder for my story until I get a better one... or do you like this version?
Hmm the line that Celestia said is the start of something romantic. 'He finds me pretty'
Yet no romance tag. What gives!
2661696
Why not? That would be the though when she heard from someone that she is pretty.
And again, there will be no further romantics
Well, guess who's not sleeping tonight!
I like it when stories involves the bitchslabbing of the princesses using words as a proxy.
alright an update thanks
I wonder what you will do to Michael for him to be able to defeat Alma.
2693294
This will be a surprise
What!! Why
Quickly, you know that Paxton and Becket are brothers right?
And Alma is their mother. Please tell me you know this.
2756228
Point Man and Paxton Fettel are brothers and Alma is their mother. Michael Becket is not involved in this 'Family'...
2756282
I only played the first FEAR. I heard 2 was a disappointment, and 3 barely passed for decent.
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)
F.E.A.R 2 is not bad but F.E.A.R. 3 or F.3.A.R. is just like any COD game (Call of Duty: Alma edition
2756467 LOL that has got to be bad.
2756494
Yes and F.E.A.R. 3 is not even scary... but the action is nice.
So does Becket get RAPED in this one too, and is it 20% hotter
I favorite this but I can't guarantee that I will read this, my interest in gaming kinda went to hell
2772386
no, becket didn't get raped in this one
Now, I mention spoilers here, so if you haven't finished the book DON'T READ THIS COMMENT!
But, when Shining Armor got caught by the tentacles and I played that music.. Oh my God, it was just so.. MMMMH!!!
2844458
Shining Armor? He died like Douglas Holiday...
did he get raped
AGAIN?!?!?
seems legit?
Fix your mistakes PLEASE! THERE ARE SO MANY THAT I DON'T WANT TO FIX THEM. IF YOU FIX THEM, MAYBE THE ENTIRE FIC WILL BE BETTER!!!! Thank you.
Sometimes I can see myself walking into the room/place of a awkward situation and just saying:LOL! NOPE!
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He got raped?
2773728 Awwwwwww
Man, I REALLY want to re-write all these chapters for you. Not taking them for my own or anything, but just make it more solid quality then you can just place in the new chapters over the old ones. This is such a good story, but between the grammar and broken English, it makes it hard to continue.
I probably am saying this too late but AJ's accent is killing meh.
I wanted to play F.E.A.R. before I read this chapter
Fuck it.
I stay away from everything TCB, so no.
Loving this story its my second time resding it and its still good! Nice work :)
4413538 lol *reading
I loved your story!!! It was way bettrr than the first time i read it and i could tell why ppl didnt like the ending but ehh you cant do anything about alma shes evil and i liked the ending :) There is a lack of fear stories though xc ...if you happen to know any could you tell me? Good luck on future stories! :D
4414630
Thanks for your feedback.
/)
4414630
I found some FEAR xover
New Model Army
Blood Symphony
Just search them ;)
4415238 thanks cx
2661696
The line doesn't exist anymore as well as the Mary Sue Character Black Needler.
2984973
I've edited the story. Look up if you want
3531256
2663238
Creepypasta (Rainbow Factory and Cupcakes) + FEAR = WHAT THE FUCK!!!
4414630
Another one:
Foxtrot 813
2873779
Look again, there's no intention of rape anymore. I've cleaned up the story from most of it's errors and mistakes.
You should do a F.E.A.R./Equestria Girls crossover, with Beckett of course(SCREW YOU, POINT MAN!)
4805117
Mhh...actually nice idea. If you could start my imagination by feeding it with ideas, I could write another FEAR cossover after I've finsished the colin mcrae crossover.